The Joke Thread
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Mike
Like a glove!
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My wife can be so annoying at times:
"When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen?"
Three times I asked her and she still hasn't done it.
"When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen?"
Three times I asked her and she still hasn't done it.
Irish Scouse
Bob Kelso. ❥
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My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
---------- Post added at 12:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 AM ----------
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
She was attacked by a giant crab.
---------- Post added at 12:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 AM ----------
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
I was trying to install windows 7 on the computer and getting nowhere fast.
My 12 year old son came in and hit a few buttons and got it working in no time. He turned round and said to me, "Everyday's a school day, dad."
Schoolboy error on his part. I've now got a private tutor coming round on Saturday and Sunday for him. That will teach the cheeky little ****.
My 12 year old son came in and hit a few buttons and got it working in no time. He turned round and said to me, "Everyday's a school day, dad."
Schoolboy error on his part. I've now got a private tutor coming round on Saturday and Sunday for him. That will teach the cheeky little ****.
Irish Scouse
Bob Kelso. ❥
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To people that haven't seen Borat,
you will never get this.
---------- Post added at 10:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:33 PM ----------
Two Jews are walking down the road when they spot a stunning looking woman, perfect body, face and everything.
One of the Jews says, "Phwoar, I'd lend her one!"
---------- Post added at 10:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 PM ----------
Dear Gillette,
Are you really the best a man can get, or are you just saying that because it rhymes?
Regards,
Rick - the man with the world's biggest ****.
you will never get this.
---------- Post added at 10:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:33 PM ----------
Two Jews are walking down the road when they spot a stunning looking woman, perfect body, face and everything.
One of the Jews says, "Phwoar, I'd lend her one!"
---------- Post added at 10:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 PM ----------
Dear Gillette,
Are you really the best a man can get, or are you just saying that because it rhymes?
Regards,
Rick - the man with the world's biggest ****.
I saw CountDown yesterday.... He's Dracula's spastic brother.
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I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."
I said, "Hard work?"
He said, "No, you're an ugly ****."
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I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."
I said, "Hard work?"
He said, "No, you're an ugly ****."
Irish Scouse
Bob Kelso. ❥
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As I sat having a ****, I noticed a label in my boxers warn, 'Keep away from fire'.
Lucky I read that, as the next thing I'd planned to sit on was a Bunsen burner
Lucky I read that, as the next thing I'd planned to sit on was a Bunsen burner
Mike
Like a glove!
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I hate to spoil your party, but the groom doesn't change his surname.
Irish Scouse
Bob Kelso. ❥
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Most fish and chip shops using 'fake cod'.
That's pollocks.
----
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker
That's pollocks.
----
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker
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psycho1970
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My wife just rang me to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious but I've got the car...
Meerkat_Arshavin
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This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
---------- Post added at 04:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:22 PM ----------
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
---------- Post added at 04:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:25 PM ----------
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
---------- Post added at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:28 PM ----------
A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
The bartender is a blonde woman.
The bouncer is a blonde woman.
The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.
I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
---------- Post added at 04:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:29 PM ----------
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
---------- Post added at 04:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:22 PM ----------
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
---------- Post added at 04:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:25 PM ----------
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
---------- Post added at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:28 PM ----------
A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
The bartender is a blonde woman.
The bouncer is a blonde woman.
The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.
I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
---------- Post added at 04:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:29 PM ----------
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
Ride The Walrus
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If a woman falls over in the kitchen and no one hears it, who is gonna make my dinner?
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots. "The lover, remembering the last time, asks
the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! How much did
you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots. "The lover, remembering the last time, asks
the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! How much did
you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now."
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