The Joke Thread

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.


Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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I was in Sainsburys the other day.

I went to the self-checkout machine and was about to pay when I saw a button that said, "Cancel payment."

I pressed it and walked out.

What a great store.
 
Its Christmas Time in the average -Insert Place of Rivals- household

Brother: Come on Sis, give me a christmas kiss, will you!

Sister: No, you don't have any misletoe!

Brother: I do, its just in my pants ;)

Sister: :O
 
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Arsenal are apparently keen on signing Sergio Ramos from Real Madrid.

Arsene Wenger has said his experience in throwing away cups is just what Arsenal need.
 
Being a Paedophile living in Liverpool, I try to attract girls aged 13 to 14.

As these are usually the ones with the youngest kids.
 
I lost my job yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:

"Toilet out of order - Use floor below"
 
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ******* do it"
 
Mike said:
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ******* do it"
Click to expand...

Never heard that one.. oh wait..


Jasonlfc96 said:
here's one:

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "**** no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it"
Click to expand...
 
What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
Front row at a Justin Beiber concert
 
Kate Middleton will be the first person to slip into Diana's ring since Dodi Fayed.
 
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!' 'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the **** would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

---------- Post added at 12:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:22 AM ----------

God visits a man and tells him if he wants to come to heaven he has to give up smoking, drinking & ***. A week later God visits him to see how he's going! He says "I stopped drinking and smoking, but the missus bent over the freezer the other day and I couldn't help myself! So I ****** her up the ****." God says "Heaven doesn't like that!" The bloke says "Nah, Neither does Asda!"

---------- Post added at 12:55 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:24 AM ----------

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. Well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
 
My girlfriend said that I'm too immature for her.

I said "If I'm immature, how come I've got an Arsfor?"

She said "What's an Arsfor?"

"********." I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
 
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

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banner printing los angeles | brochure printing los angeles
 
I've just taken my girlfriend to play snooker, needless to say she was absolutely ****. Half way into a frame she took down her pants, took down her knickers and climbed on the table. Then with a cheeky smile she said to me, "Which one are you going for, the pink or the brown?" I replied "I dunno how the **** you expect me to go for any when you've got your fat *** in the way".
 
I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.

"Light brown, like everyone else," I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be
 
Three girls found a magic rug, when you lie you dissapear.

Brunette - I think i'm the prettiest girl in school

*poof*

Redhead - I think i'm the most popular girl in school

*poof*

Blonde - I think...

*poof*
 
I didn't know that the government took bins out on a bank holiday... XD
 
Today an American stopped me and asked "Do you know the time?" So I looked down at my watch and saw it was 9:10. I thought to myself "I'm sure if i think about it for a minute I can make a good joke out of this..."

In the end I told him "Time you got a watch!"
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I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.

It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bar tender asks "why the long face?"
The horse, unable to understand the language eats a beermat and ***** on the floor.
 
President Bush tried and failed.
President Clinton tried and failed.
President Bush JR tried and failed.
President Obama tried and succeeded.

Moral of the story is, if you want someone dead - hire a black man.
 
Schalke 04


Neuer
Escudero
Howedes
Papadopoulos
Metzelder
Uchida
Baumjohann
Jurado
Draxler
Raul
Farfan
 
Platinum said:
Schalke 04


Neuer
Escudero
Howedes
Papadopoulos
Metzelder
Uchida
Baumjohann
Jurado
Draxler
Raul
Farfan
Click to expand...

Really dont see how they are a joke. They got to the Semi finals of the CL against all odds.
 
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