Tobey Mason
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- Joined
- Aug 10, 2011
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Manchester Un-United
I couldn't believe it. I had made it, I had arrived at Manchester United! Since the day Alex Ferguson arrived at my house on his mobility scooter to tell me he had hand picked me as his successor I hadn't slept much. He had bought a bottle of Red with him, sat me down and explained that as Mourinho was too much of a threat to his legacy and that Benitez was still a moaning ***** it had been left to me to fill his boots. Also being Scottish helped. Apparently Andy Murray was in the frame too.
After his visit I immediately loaded up Football Manager to see just exactly who was in the United squad. My face fell as I perused over the name Wayne Rooney. I'd worked with that granny bashing **** before and he had tried to sue me over my comments in my Auto-biography. I only stated that he almost shagged my nan at the Everton FC Christmas party. I began to dig a little deeper and saw a few names of people I hadn't met yet. Anderson? Who the **** is that? Cleverly? Who?
That night I rang Bill Kenwright and explained my news. He cried down the phone to me and explained that I had been doing a good job at Everton and that ten years of **** all was more than enough to satisfy him. I told him that i'm better than him, the club and it's players then hung up. I had to quickly tweet him afterwards and tell him to expect half the Everton team to be playing for United next season though.
The next day I arrived at Man Utd's training ground. It was amazing, they even have artificial grass. The closest Everton players got to that was on their Fifa games. I immediately met up with the Glazers who looked just as I imagined them, hairy, fat, slob-like yanks. They told me I had ?50Million to spend to improve the squad. I gasped, That is alot of money! I nearly have enough for Fellaini I thought! I then proceeded to meet the squad. I sat in the changing rooms with the team, they all glared at me, especially Rooney who was clenching his gorilla like fists. Ryan Giggs was counting down the days to the first league fixture on his Imogen Thomas calender and Rio Ferdinand was on the blower to Ronaldo begging him to re-sign for us. There were two players missing however, Darren Fletcher and Ashley Young! When I asked where they were I was told that Darren spends his days in the toilets due to a stomach bug and that Ashley was in town at the local swimming bars practicing his diving.
After the morning register the players all left for the training fields. I told Giggs to lead the warm up and to set up a practice match with the troops. I stayed behind and caught up with Fergie's backroom staff. I looked at them and told them it's not good news. Taking a leaf out of Lord Sugar's book. I told them they were all fired and that my team would be coming from Everton to aid me with my cause. Three of them cried, I laughed and told them to man up. *****'s
I got out to the training fields and already Rio and Nemanja were out injured, rolling around on the floor. I told them to go home and get some TLC. I grabbed Phil Jones and Chris Smalling and said that they were now my first choice defensive pairing. They hugged and high-fived! Smalling took a sip of Jaeger and cheered running over to tell his team mates.
After training we all headed back in for a spot of tea. I noticed Rooney drinking some water by himself. I approached him and he looked upset. He told me that his water was luke-warm and that this had made him unhappy, he added that this was unacceptable and that he would be writing a written Transfer Request. I gazed in shock horror... It was at this moment I really did notice that Rooney does look like Shrek! I accepted Rooneys request but told him he would cost ?300,000,000 to buy.
I went home feeling great after the first day. What a **** hot manager I am!
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