Alan Partridge

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Michael: Me, I'd, I-I-I'd have an, an Apache attack helicopter.

Alan: Oh, great.

Michael: Aye. I'd gan back to school. But first I'd take out the labs and then I'd type into the attack computer 'Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher'. Blow 'im to bits.

Alan: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Michael: And then I'd go looking for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering just down the road from his house, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge, 'Hello, you *******.' He panics, right? And he goes in the house, so I get the 30-millimetre canon and I take out the fish pond, coy carp in there couple of rounds each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side and the machine-gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes out. 'Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!' I cut it right in half, right? And then he goes, 'Ahhh!' He runs up on to the garage roof. I say, 'Right. This is for you, Tom.' He goes, 'No, no!' He's begging us, he's begging us man, 'No, please don't!' And then I fly off to Cornwall and I just smash in the sea in a big ball of flames.

Alan: Sleep well, Michael. Erm, who's Tom Donaldson?

Michael: Oh, he's just a mate.
 
Hilarious with Peter Kay.


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCTTU_TbEio"]YouTube - Alan Partridge And Peter Kay Comic Relief (FULL)[/ame]
 
Alan - You farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.

Farmer - What do you mean by that?

Alan - I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.

Farmer - Oh, for goodness' sake.

Alan - If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother!
 
and these chickens are scared, they don't know why they're so big! they're standing above all the other chickens thinking, why am I so massive!
 
In work now so can't get onto the video but the one where he is being interviewd by a radio station about his new book.

"Needles to say, I done drugs!"

Man is a hero.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndWeuakyC70"]YouTube - Alan partridge[/ame]
 
needles to say I'm on drugs

HAHAHA such a classic line. I think almost every word uttered from his mouth is quotable..
 
If I have to put back my roger with Sonja one more time I'll be fit to burst!
 
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7rTk8Vihe0&feature=related"]YouTube - Alan Partridge At The Races[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SI3P0bB2Dqk&feature=related"]YouTube - Alan Partridge - How do you ride a horse?[/ame]
 
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