An Idiots Guide To Manchester United

Tobey Mason

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AN IDIOTS GUIDE TO MANCHESTER UNITED

Chapter 1

I was laid out on the beach, it was 32 degrees, I had a Piña Colada in one hand and a bag of assorted skittles in the other. Life was bliss! The Florida sunshine beat down on me and I could feel the Vitamin D revitalizing me. I was like a BIG SEXY Solar Panel laid out on the sand! You see I'd left England for Florida looking to forget the world. I lavishly spent all my savings and went whole hog by flying economy (which I have since learnt is where all the paupers sit!) and was now relaxing trying to forget that i'd only days before been sacked from my curren... former place of employment.

You see I've been a grocery store employee all my life, it's all I've known. I herald from generations upon generations of grocers, but... as soon as you accidentally lock your area manager in the chiller for 3 and a half hours suddenly you become public enemy number one in the fruit and veg world. Unfortunately I was sacked! The area manager was fine too... After being treated for hypothermia, pneumonia and a slight case of frostbite.

Anyway I digress!

As the day was so warm! I decided to cool down in the sea for a while so I grabbed my rubber ring and set off. As I proceeded to walk towards the water that's when I saw it. The most beautiful thing you could ever have seen! A Beautiful red Jet Ski, glowing in the sun, bobbing up and down as the waves carried it towards my direction. I had to have a go. I had to!

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I ran towards the Jet Ski running through a load of athletic gentleman's beach football game. I didn't care! I was almost at the Jet Ski and I reached out and clambered aboard discarding my rubber ring in complete disgust. I was now the epitome of "AWESOME". I twisted the throttle and away I went. Some man wailed at me as I splashed the Schmuks In the water. I sped off out to see where I felt like a young boy again. The sun on my skin, the sand in between my toes and water hitting my face.... But then. THUD...

The Jet ski jolted as if it had struck something... A mechanical issue obviously... but It still fired up so I continued to cruise around the ocean.

After about 20 minutes I remembered my skittles were still in the sun and were now probably melting and at the mercy of some greedy, unlawful seagulls who I knew would more than likely sell their grandma's for a taste of succulent rainbow coloured... as the yanks call it "candy"

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I raced back to the beach, like a bat out of ****, full throttle half way up the beach, laying waste to children's sandcastles along the way and Stopping just short of my belongings and my "Cher" beach towel. To my horror no skittles, nothing... just a rabble of over confident seagulls mocking me. their beaks painted in rainbow colours. The monsters!

I couldn't face those seagulls any longer and decided to pack up and head back to the hotel for a much needed snooze in my hotel room.

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I arrived at the hotel room and grabbed myself a pop-tart and a banana milkshake and switched the TV on. It was strange at first... Bizarre! There on the TV was the beach I had just come from. An Emergency News Broadcast was on the screen and the reporter was stating that a male who had gone into the water and had not returned after a while out at sea. The name of the male was Ole Gunnar Solskjaer! I felt numb, I felt sick, I felt sorry for the man... Who in the blue **** has that kind of hilarious name I thought! There were those athletic men again who's football match I had run through, some were crying and some looked dejected I'm guessing they knew this Ole Gormer Soldier fella!

As saddened as I was that a man was missing at sea. My tummy took centre stage as it started rumbling and as I'd missed out on my skittles and the pop-tart was hardly filling I knew I should venture down to the restaurant for my usual nightly fill of hot-dogs and sea bass.

Anyway after my meal I would be heading up to bed... I had to travel back to Salford tomorrow as I would need to start applying for other jobs soon!

Soon the world would know my name... For I am... Barry Babble!

 
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