Clark_Messi
"Football is everything"
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Another good update,
Perhaps a bit of personal experience there? :L
Perhaps a bit of personal experience there? :L
Borderline Madness - The Young Inductee
- Thread starter Eds
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NunoPeixinho
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Great story so far mate, your writting is magnicent 
keep up the good work, I will follow beyond doubt 
keep up the good work, I will follow beyond doubt Chapter 2 – Consequences
Tomas nervously edged towards his council estate house in one of the most central parts of Prevessin-Moens. He knew his dad would absolutely freak at what had happened, and he wasn’t looking forward to it.
His house came into view and he pulled his key out his pocket, so much running through his mind, would his dad be able to tell purely from his nerves? Tomas had taken the long route back home, and had certainly dawdled, he could only hope his father wouldn’t know what was up.
“Wha’re you doin’?” Tomas knew as soon as he heard the slurred tone that his dad was drunk. His father was a good man, but he’d also been a sucker for the alcohol, and recently, he had become an alcoholic.
“Hey dad, something happened at school today.”
“Tell me all ‘bout it after the Weakest Link has finished.”
Tomas was slightly relieved but he knew he’d be nervous right up until the moment he told his dad what had happened. The sooner the better, right? No, his dad had given him a lifeline to put it off, and that was what he was going to do.
Tomas bashed his old, second-hand PlayStation 1 as it yet again froze while he was about to score a hattrick with Rivaldo at the 2002 World Cup on FIFA 02. He and his family had never had the money for luxuries, and Poundland was the local Supermarket for Tomas and his dad.
It’d been an hour since Tomas’ dad had promised to see him, and Tomas gently crept down the stairs to see what was going on. And as he had guesses, his father had fallen asleep. Tomas then decided against waking him as he got a text from his little brother Pierre.
Hrry up nd pik me up, whr r u?
Tomas had yet again forgotten to pick his little brother up from school, and it was the perfect opportunity to get away from his dad for a bit, so he wrote a quick note saying where he was, left it by his dads arm, and hurried out the door.
Tomas nervously edged towards his council estate house in one of the most central parts of Prevessin-Moens. He knew his dad would absolutely freak at what had happened, and he wasn’t looking forward to it.
His house came into view and he pulled his key out his pocket, so much running through his mind, would his dad be able to tell purely from his nerves? Tomas had taken the long route back home, and had certainly dawdled, he could only hope his father wouldn’t know what was up.
*
“Wha’re you doin’?” Tomas knew as soon as he heard the slurred tone that his dad was drunk. His father was a good man, but he’d also been a sucker for the alcohol, and recently, he had become an alcoholic.
“Hey dad, something happened at school today.”
“Tell me all ‘bout it after the Weakest Link has finished.”
Tomas was slightly relieved but he knew he’d be nervous right up until the moment he told his dad what had happened. The sooner the better, right? No, his dad had given him a lifeline to put it off, and that was what he was going to do.
*
Tomas bashed his old, second-hand PlayStation 1 as it yet again froze while he was about to score a hattrick with Rivaldo at the 2002 World Cup on FIFA 02. He and his family had never had the money for luxuries, and Poundland was the local Supermarket for Tomas and his dad.
It’d been an hour since Tomas’ dad had promised to see him, and Tomas gently crept down the stairs to see what was going on. And as he had guesses, his father had fallen asleep. Tomas then decided against waking him as he got a text from his little brother Pierre.
Hrry up nd pik me up, whr r u?
Tomas had yet again forgotten to pick his little brother up from school, and it was the perfect opportunity to get away from his dad for a bit, so he wrote a quick note saying where he was, left it by his dads arm, and hurried out the door.
the idea of the alcoholic is an interesting one, especially given we know very little about the story or who this kid is 
as someone has said, this story is slightly away from the norm, but as it's being written by such a good writer, you know it will be brilliant! keep it up.
as someone has said, this story is slightly away from the norm, but as it's being written by such a good writer, you know it will be brilliant!
keep it up.I hope this does not come across the wrong way and please don’t take it to heart but I wish to offer some constructive criticism.
From someone who has written a story that drifted away from football and football manager http://www.fm-base.co.uk/forum/f81/memoirs-of-a-slovak-chapter-1-t29615.html I know what it’s like
I just don’t feel like he is in France, references to the weakest link, Poundland and the text from his brother, give off a very British vibe. Maybe add a bit of French in there with some translation in the text to give us a bit more of a French feel?
Apart from that I think it has been very well written and very enjoyable to read, looking forward to future updates.
From someone who has written a story that drifted away from football and football manager http://www.fm-base.co.uk/forum/f81/memoirs-of-a-slovak-chapter-1-t29615.html I know what it’s like
I just don’t feel like he is in France, references to the weakest link, Poundland and the text from his brother, give off a very British vibe. Maybe add a bit of French in there with some translation in the text to give us a bit more of a French feel?
Apart from that I think it has been very well written and very enjoyable to read, looking forward to future updates.
Yeah, I've found that the hardest part, and I've been thinking that to myself. I've got a few ideas that I'll be implementing in future updates, but I've got to get the balance of it being enjoyable and with touches of French. That's the hard part.
Anywhere I can find Chapter 2, by the way? XD
Clark_Messi
"Football is everything"
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It is such a nice break from all the screenshots that are a subtitute for writing.
For French stuff like that, just google it! I'm lucky in that I've got decent knowledge of the country and the language, which always helps. If you're stuck for something to put in, check out the newspaper websites online, and trawl through the most popular stories of the day...bit of a modern times twist always seems to work! Le Monde is a good un. What I mean is, something along these lines:
"I flicked on the TV to be greeted by the news...same old nonsense, seems as if Monsieur Sarkozy is on his pedestal again, in more ways than one!"
Hope that this post doesn't seem like a lecture Eds, given that you're the best writer on this site - I'm liking the backstory, intriguing!
Always love my feedback, djh, you know that.
Thanks for the help. I've added a few things on that subject into the next update, so if you and Kris could give me your thoughts in that area after I've posted it, that'd be perfect.
Update should be up in around ten minutes.
---------- Post added at 05:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:24 PM ----------
Chapter 3 – Olland
The Olland Boulangerie Pàtisserie is only a few minutes walk from Tomas’ house, and with a couple of Euros in his pocket, he had head there for his dinner more than a few times. His father had always been good to him, but the amount he wasted on alcohol was ridiculous, and when drunk, Tomas found it best not to disturb him.
Tomas passed the Boulangerie Pàtisserie and took in the waft that always lingered around the door. Apart from the fairly grubby owners that Tomas had seen every so often, it was perfect and Tomas contemplated stumbling in, but decided against it.
*
Pierre was waiting outside his school, on the bench. Tomas knew he’d be angry at having to wait half an hour to be collected, but he wasn’t prepared to take anything from his younger brother. And Tomas was perplexed when he saw his brother break out into a smile.
“Another fight? That’s ridiculous Tomas, you’re screwed. Dad’s not going to let you see any Prev games for ages.”
Tomas suddenly realised his little brother was right. Prevessin-Moens FC had been his club ever since he was a boy, due to his father’s love of the club. And being the keen young footballer he is, Saturday afternoon’s were always occupied with Prev matches.
*
Tucking into his ham and cheese baguette from Olland, Tomas glanced at the Television screen from a nearby hardware shop. Running across the screen was an advert that took Tomas’ eye.
“Are you a football fan?”
Tomas gently nodded.
“Do you want your career to be involved in football?”
Tomas’ nods grew faster.
“You could take the French Football Federation’s Coaching Course, today!”
Tomas’ eyes shot open and Pierre’s tugs on his arm were to no avail.
“All you need is €395 and you could be a fully qualified coach!”
And just like that Tomas’ dreams were shattered. What was he thinking anyway, a coaching course, him? Never. He, his brother and his dad needed all the money that could gather.
In the background the voice that had excited Tomas only a few seconds ago blurred on: “Call +33 518829012.” But Tomas had already accepted it was impossible and as quickly as his dreams had been made, they had been shattered.
*
But Tomas’ mind continued to tick over as he walked home with Pierre. So many questions needed answering, but there was no-one to answer.
Nice update Ed, and nice implementing of french things... Pity you won't become a football manager though
*chuckle*
Liked it, a bit more of a vibe francaise, if you will!