Chasing The Dream

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JohanCruyff14

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*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

What, it's time to get up already?!

I laid my head back on my pillow. The 5:30 alarm. The worst way to start a Monday. Still feeling rough from Saturday night. What a night that was but Christ, I'm paying for it now. These weekends seem to be shorter every time they come around.

Grabbed my phone, read the BBC Sport gossip column, Twitter, 20 minutes of lying around and then time to get ready. Standard. Up and out of the door. Nice, warm day outside. 2 long bus journeys to work. Tifo podcast. Order breakfast with the rest of my colleagues. Same every Monday. There's comfort in it - especially when you bite into that bacon sandwich that seems to cure the hangover instantly - but there's got to be more than doing this every weekend.

Small talk with my manager and colleagues. Work through to the half hour escape that is lunch. Then back at it for a couple of hours, home, relax, bed and do the same tomorrow.

I don't know what it was. The ease of arranging it perhaps, the extra money I had to pay for it, the boredom of the day in, day out routine...it could be a number of things. However, on that Monday, I decided it was time to sort things out. I did it, did what I always told myself I would do. The FA Level 1 coaching course. Applied and paid for. My course date received via e-mail. It's time to work to where I want to be rather than where I have to be.


It's time to chase my dream.​

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I got home from work and again checked the letters on the side.

Albion Rovers of the Scottish Third Division. Rejected due to a lack of experience.
Warrenpoint Town of Northern Ireland. Rejected due to a lack of experience.
Oxford City of the English 6th Division South. Rejected due to a lack of experience.
The list goes on.

My Level 1? Pretty ineffective as it goes. I sit and think back of the thousands I've wasted on the days and nights boozing but not just that, the amount of time spent doing that. Time in which I could have used to get the experience that has been so frequently the thorn in my **** throughout these job applications. Still, I've learnt from it. My heroes - Cruyff, Guardiola, Bielsa - they all had that previous playing experience that made things a lot easier for them, alongside their obvious talent. Regrets, I've had a few, and all that. All I can do is keep putting myself out there, keep working hard, keep focusing on the end goal. I start to read Cruyff's autobiography for the 4th time and it's lights out, another day over.

*CLANG*

Awoken by the rattle of the letterbox. I get up and rifle through it. Bank statement, "you may have won" letter, leaflet for the local Labour candidate and a white envelope. I open it up and the club crest of Hemel Hempstead adorns the top of the letter. Here we go, another "due to a your lack of experience..." letter I think. But no.

David Boggins, the Chairman, liked my application and ideas and wants to discuss them further, over an interview next Monday. It's the other end of the country. It means leaving everything behind for a lot of risk. It could go right and change my life for the better. If it goes wrong, I'm back to square one hundreds of miles away from home and with a black mark against my name.

I think it through on my journey to work and once there, book it off as urgent annual leave for the day. Now, where's my railcard?

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I jumped off of the train and straight into a taxi. A bit of small talk with the driver and getting a quick summary of the town from him. He guessed, by the destination, that I was going for the job. I asked him what he knew about the club and he gave me two insights.

"One: the players are poor, not enough fans turn up and there's no money in it.
Two: Don't bother, Watford is only 8 miles away and everyone just goes there instead."

Great.

I got to the ground 20 minutes early, just to let things sink in. To see the size of the pitch, the meager facilities, two small stands that hold about 500 fans combined - the fact I could just get in and walk around summed it up for me. I have to start somewhere though, so does the club. If I grow, the club grows, and likewise. There's no point judging it until I meet David and find out his plans.

Then out of nowhere, a voice shouting "Oi! What are you doing?" to me. Little did I know, it was David. Not the best first impression. After I'd given him a firm handshake and apologised for my loitering, we headed to a tiny office/cabin. It was miniature. Like a Subbuteo sized office area. I couldn't think negatively, as much as my head was telling me to.

David told me he was looking to build something long term. He wasn't getting any younger and after last season's play off failure in the league, was giving it one last go before cutting his losses. I felt sorry for him. It was a humble world and you do wonder how much they - and many other clubs in a similar position - would benefit from the locals watching their local team rather than going to see Watford play in the sterile Premier League and treated as little more than a customer, paying through the nose at the same time.

We got talking though. About the history, the current crop of players, the progression of the club and David's ambitions for the future of the club - he was grounded and understood the realism of where the club was and where they could go. Then David asked about me. He'd done a bit of scouting on me (how, I don't know, as my footballing contacts list was as small as the manager's office). He knew I'd thrown my hat into the ring for a few jobs. I was honest with him; explained I was only just starting out and although the number of jobs I'd applied for was high in number, I assured him it was my first opportunity and once I secured that opportunity, I'd spend every waking hour of every day dedicating myself to the club I ended up at.

We got on well and even before the interview was over, I felt I'd made if nothing else, an experienced, realistic contact in the game. Then he hit me with it. We'd had an honest, long chat about the state of the club, the game and both of our ambitions for the future. He told me he liked my ideas and honesty. The next thing I know, I'd signed a contract for a season, £200 a week - significantly less than I was earning in my full time 9-5 position - and we were taking the obligatory handshake-and-scarf-in-the-air photo for the club website.

Not a bad day's work, all in all.

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I mentioned earlier that Bielsa, Guardiola, Cruyff - my three heroes in the game - had it a lot simpler than me in the sense that they had that playing career to hark back to and gained respect for that from the off, wherever they went. Even those players that played at a lower level got at least some respect from their players. This was proving a lot harder for me though.

I'd already spent early June dismantling my manager's office and I turned it into a meeting room as I felt the manager's office was a bit egotistical at this level. Pre-match meetings, training overviews, tactical meetings and the standard player and coach meetings would take place in there. Frankly, I had to do it as there was nowhere else to do it otherwise.

I looked at the playing squad in detail. Their stats from last season, their playing history, their previous performance ratings; as much as I could get hold of. Which at this level, wasn't much. Then I got to the frankly ludicrous contracts situation. You had 5 players, 4 of which were at elder stages of their career to put it kindly, on £350 per week and the rest of the squad on part time contracts or non-contracts with appearance or goal bonuses. The idea that veterans on their way out and decreasing physically and in terms of ability were to be given the full-time contracts with guaranteed high wages every week perplexed me. Too much of an easy payday, in my opinion.

My first meeting with the players was at the start of June. The World Cup was just around the corner and although I had my eye on it, my focus was purely on getting this team and club into shape. It's tough is the first meeting, even tougher when it's your first meeting at your first club in your first job in football. I felt the key was to be positive but assertive that room for improvement was needed and that hard work and focusing on the collective was the basis of this team progressing.

My aim for the season was to finish in midtable and this seemed to confuse a few of them after their play off finish last season. They say honesty is the best policy but my explanation that we were trying to build something long term didn't go down as well as I'd hoped with the expensive elders of the squad. The younger lads, on non-contract or part-time contracts, seemed to buy into it more. Maybe it was a mutual understanding - an appreciation that they were trying to work their way up the ladder as I was, maybe it was just that they wanted something to get their teeth into. The lack of respect from the older lads grated on me - not prepared to give me or my ideas the time of the day, poor body language, not focusing on what was being said.

I knew the older lot had to go. Paid expensively and giving not much of a toss. For £350 a week and not much respect shown to me, I'd be immature and try to work them to fitness levels I knew they wouldn't be able to reach in pre-season. They were key parts of the dressing room and I needed them to be role models, not revolutionaries planning a coup on my control. Ultimately, younger, hungrier blood had to come in.

David provided me with the contact details of a few agents and away I went to plan our attack on midtable.

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My first pre-season. No tour of America or China to sell our "brand", no warm weather training, no time spent using hours and hours of analysis as we didn't have the resources to get that data.

Instead, 4 games. We'd play Winchester, Dunstable, Burton Albion and Welwyn Garden City, all at home. 3 lower ranked sides would allow us to boost morale, understanding and the tactical aspect of the game and the game against Burton was a money spinner, nothing more, nothing less. With 7 league games coming in the 31 days of August, pre-season would be primarily fitness orientated with more tactical emphasis coming in for the final 2 games.

Finances were tight and any player that had some talent had been snapped up by sides higher in the footballing pyramid or simply weren't interested into moving to us. With the toxic personalities of Ismail Yakubu and Lloyd Doyley robbing us of £350 a week and Darren Ward not being able to train, I knew central defence was a priority. I also knew we needed another striker as we had no recognised number 9. My aim was to get the young, hungry lads that had been released by more prestigious clubs and that had something to work for and play for.

We brought in 3 central defenders, in the form of ex-Scotland U17 international Graham Hutchison, 19 year old Jayden Corbridge who'd been released by League Two Yeovil Town and 18 year old Connor Young, who Cardiff had released in the Summer. We also agreed a deal for former West Ham forward Yiannis Constantinou. If nothing else, Yiannis would make us a killing in shirt printing costs were he to become a cult hero.

Pre-season went as I'd expected it to.

Saturday 7th July 2018 - Winchester City (Home) - Walker; Corbridge, Hutchison, Young; Parkes, Cotter, McCall; Watt, Clifford, Roberts; Cawley.

A 2-0 victory for us in our first pre-season game. Only 155 fans attended - the taxi driver's infamous words were proven to be painfully true. Our new back three of Hutchison, Corbridge and Young looked settled and composed and our 3-3-3-1 formation proved effective. We dominated possession and had high completion rates for passes and tackles. My only complaint was only 8 shots from 18 attempts were on target but that's nit picking. Goals from the new man Hutchsion and midfielder Kavan Cotter grabbed us the win.

Saturday 14th July 2018 - Dunstable Town (Home) - Walker; Corbridge, Hutchison, Young; Parkes, Cotter, McCall; Watt, Trialist, Roberts; Cawley.

Crowd of 183 for this one. Progress. Making big gains and I'm not even into the start of the league campaign yet. Joking aside, an efficient performance here. 10 shots on target, limited Dunstable to one effort on goal and again, high completion rates for passes and tackles, as well as dominating possession. A hat trick from skipper Jordan Parkes and a second goal in two games for Cotter won us the game. Just one change to the lineup - we'd taken ex-West Brom attacking midfielder James Smith on trial and he came in for Billy Clifford. I wanted Smith to be an alternative to Clifford but wasn't sold on him fully, hence the trial deal.

Friday 20th July 2018 - Burton Albion (Home) - Walker; Corbridge, Hutchison, Young; Osborn, Parkes, Howe; Cotter, Clifford, McCall; Cawley.

Well if we were on a high from the two previous results, this brought us back down to Earth. Perhaps foolishly, I decided to switch things up and go for an adapted version of 3-3-3-1. We had our back three, Parkes as the man sitting in front of them with a wingback at either side, the three man midfield attempting to launch a quick counter and then Cawley up front, starved of supply, relying on that quick counter. It didn't pay off. Our attempts to 'limit them' limited them to 13 shots on target and us losing in all the key statistical areas. Their 3-0 victory was easily attained. I wasn't particularly concerned - this is the point of games like these in Pre-Season. It's not a loss if you learn, adapt and grow from the failure. The crowd was a healthy 753, which would boost the club coffers slightly.

Saturday 28th July 2018 - Welwyn Garden City (Home) - Walker; Corbridge, Hutchison, Young; Parkes, Cotter, McCall; Watt, Clifford, Roberts; Cawley.

We managed to win this one 2-1 to cap off pre-season but it felt like an underwhelming victory, to say the least. We dominated in the usual key areas but made it hard for ourselves, gifting them 6 shots on target. An early goal from Watt and an own goal helped us kill them off but we still conceded, nonetheless.

My overall impressions were that we met our expectations in pre-season. The players looked fit after I'd worked them very hard but ideally, I'd have liked the time for another two fixtures; purely to ensure the whole squad was up to speed. The new back three had looked steady if unspectacular and the midfield, Parkes and Clifford especially, impressed me. The key area to improve on is clearly up front as Cawley hadn't scored for us but out of inconvenience, he was the only option available to lead the line as Constantinou didn't sign until the day of the fixture against Welwyn Garden City. We hadn't yet managed to shift any of the three I wanted to move on and things weren't looking good on that front. I won't focus on the negatives though - a good start with a busy month upcoming.

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I'd hardly slept a wink. It wasn't really nerves as I don't get them, just pure excitement.

All the exhaustive training, all the hours spent making selection decisions then re-questioning them in my mind. Yet it would all come down to this, finally. The opening day. When you think of the opening day, you think of boiling hot sun, freshly cut green grass and not a cloud in the sky. I walked into Vauxhall Road at 12pm and although it wasn't anyone else's Wembley, it felt like mine.

I tried not to let the occasion get the better of me as the games were coming thick and fast this month but of course I'm going to be jubilant in my position. 3 months ago I'd been passing away the hours, stuck in a boring routine in a job I was fed up of. Now, I'd risked it all but it was already all worth it.

Saturday 4th August 2018 - Chippenham Town (Home) - Walker; Young, Hutchison, Corbridge; Cotter, Parkes, McCall; Roberts, Clifford, Watt; Cawley.

I kept things simple in my instructions to the lads. The same formation and personnel that did well in pre-season. I knew we were in for a tough game but as long as we didn't stop running, played intelligently, remained disciplined and stuck to our tactical plans, it'd be easier. I wasn't asking for much there.

Things started well as who else but Stephen Cawley tapped in from the 6 yard box after a quick counter on 11 minutes. Then on 40 minutes, disaster. A long ball launched upfield by Chippenham, Hutchison tracks his man and ends up elbowing his man, collecting a red card in the process. 50 minutes plus added time to hold onto a lead on my managerial debut, with ten men. Fantastic. Not to be outdone, Connor Young decided on the hour mark he'd give away a penalty, despite already being booked. Chippenham put it away to make it 1-1. A collapse felt inevitable so I did what any sane manager making their debut does.

Attack. It paid off too. Ten minutes left, Watt played it into the box and there was Kavan Cotter to make it 2-1, get in! Surely it's won now, surely...nope. 7 minutes later, heartbreak. They'd snatched an equaliser. Corner in, cleared off the line and tucked home on the rebound. Lack of concentration but with a man less, I couldn't moan at them. We went fully gung ho and on came the new youngster Constantinou to get a few minutes under his belt. Chippenham kept knocking on the door and every time we cleared it, they pushed higher. They'd regret that.

It was cleared one too many times and they missed an interception. Cotter claimed it in midfield, out wide to the sub Osborn and it was put home by an unmarked Yiannis Constantiou in the 91st minute. Just over 400 Hemel Hempstead fans sent into raptures and I'm not ashamed to say I ran up the pitch to celebrate with Yiannis. Emotion, nothing else like this game. We lost the possession battle, the key statistical areas, conceded nearly double shots on target and had a man less but how could I complain with a 3-2 last gasp win? Not a bad managerial debut, as they go.

Tuesday 7th August 2018 - Hampton and Richmond (Away) - Walker; Young, Hamblin, Corbridge; Connolly, Parkes, Osborn; Cotter, Clifford, McCall; Constantinou.

My heart rate had finally reached below 100 when this game came about. I wasn't expecting much from it and my negative outlook meant the return of the unsuccessful formation we'd experimented against Burton. Outcast Tom Hamblin came in for the suspended Hutchison, Connolly and Osborn came in to play the wingback roles and goalscoring hero Constantinou would lead the line.

Just a poor night at the races, in all honesty. Dominated, gave away too many shots on target, didn't create enough. Another penalty given away by Connor Young led to Hampton and Richmond securing a 1-0 win. That's becoming a bit of an unwanted pattern and something to address. Learn and move on.


I knew we simply weren't creating enough and that another foray into my contacts little black books was needed. In came Rhys Kavanagh from Bristol City on a loan deal until the end of the season. He looked a decent all rounder and a hard worker. Another good option to have challenging Cawley and Constantinou.

Saturday 11th August 2018 - Dartford (Away) - Walker; Young, Corbridge, Hamblin; Cotter, Parkes, McCall; Roberts, Clifford, Watt; Cawley.

Another tricky away fixture; the second in less than 5 days. I reverted to the more attacking version of 3-3-3-1 and although we were statistically the better side, Dartford managed a 1-0 win with 5 minutes left through Charlie Sheringham. Annoying. I could hardly shout and bawl at the lads at this stage though, despite their clear lack of respect. We'd been resilient and defended well but again, only 1 shot on target. I started to focus on Roberts and Watt - the wingers - much more. They were given freer attacking roles and allowed the time and space to create but they simply weren't and it showed in our attacking play. Unfortunately, the best we had at that time.

At least we've got a home game next.

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One of the hardest things in the world of management is re-writing the story you tell your players. Essentially, you're telling the players you believe in the system but not in their ability to pull it off effectively. On the one hand, we were three games into the proper implementation of the tactics and formation I felt suited us best - it was in it's infancy. Yet deep down, I knew they didn't have the tactical or positional sense to make it effective and truthfully, this had been going on for longer than just these three league games. We weren't creating enough and simply put, we had to be able to.

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Tuesday 14th August 2018 - Hungerford Town (Home) - Walker; Doyley, Young, Hamblin, Connolly; Roberts, Clifford, Parkes, Watt; Constantinou, Kavanagh.

I simplified things to try and find solutions to our problems. The wingers playing higher up the pitch to try and create much more and get in those key positions and new boy Kavanagh partnering Constantinou, in an effort to get another body up top and hopefully score more or even just land more shots on target. I even recalled Lloyd Doyley to the team.

We started the game well and came out flying, leading to an early corner. However, this was cleared, Akpobire outpaced Lloyd Doyley on the counter and fired past Walker - 3 minutes in. Sake. By the 30 minute mark, Akpobire grabbed another as a long ball was horrendously missed by the defence and then Hamblin and Akprobire breached the defence, again, to fire home, again. Raging. Then on the stroke of half time, Akpobire continued his incredible performance with his corner meeting the head of Cairns who made it 3-0. 3 minutes were added on but I raced down the tunnel as soon as I saw the ball cross the line for the third goal. I'd had enough of the underperforming and lack of concentration, I wasn't prepared to let them off of the hook any longer.

What followed was a barrage of honesty from me. I told them a few home truths they weren't happy about but I cared almost as much as they did when they put on that Hemel Hempstead shirt whilst I was in charge. I told them I didn't care if they didn't respect me but that as long as I was manager, they had a duty to undertake my instructions and a duty to perform their best for the fans who could quite easily go support Watford instead. I made a point as soon as they walked into the dressing room that not one of them was allowed to speak for the 15 minute interval and instead they'd shut up, focus and listen to me, if they still wanted a place at the club.

Long story short, we battered them and deserved to win. A quick break from Roberts set up Clifford to fire home from the edge of the area, Kavanagh broke his Hemel Hempstead duck with 15 minutes to go after a Hungerford defensive error and a long ball from skipper Parkes was seized upon by Cawley whose effort was tipped into the path of that man Kavanagh who tapped home again to make it 3-3 with 2 minutes left on the clock. Maybe I was beginning to learn about what made this team click.

Saturday 18th August 2018 - Woking (Home) - Walker; Doyley, Ward, Young, Connolly; Roberts, Parkes, Clifford, Watt; Kavanagh, Constantinou.

The visit of promotion chasing Woking brought with it 800 fans to Vauxhall Road. After Tuesday's game against Hungerford produced a Jekyll and Hyde performance, I was hoping my clear-the-air teamtalk would have a lasting effect on the lads and we'd start to see a run of decent results off of the back of it. Darren Ward came in after Tom Hamblin's mediocre performance.

It wasn't to be. Woking were simply too strong and sharp to match. They took an early lead through Jack Cook on 5 minutes after a corner was poorly defended. Finlay Wood doubled their lead on 42 minutes with a header after a deep, looping cross from the right hand side. It was a disappointing start and felt like we'd be going over old ground in training again but Woking were a stronger side, I could at least see the gulf in class. Jordan Parkes was able to pull back a consolation with 12 minutes left after cutting in from the right and striking from 20 yards out but Woking held on for a 2-1 victory.

After the defeat to Woking, we agreed one year contracts for ex-Newcastle midfielder Ben Drennan, former Southampton right back Connor Langan and Montel Agyemang, who'd scored 8 goals at this level for East Thurrock last season. These signings added squad depth, fresh legs and more competition for places. I was pleased to sign them up after impressive pre-season performances for the Under 18s.



Saturday 25th August 2018 - Welling United (Away) - Walker; Langan, Ward, Hutchison, Connolly; Howe, Clifford, Parkes, Watt; Constantinou, Cawley.

I felt a win was more than possible here and these were the sort of sides that we should be highly competitive against - new man Langan started, Hutchison returned and Cawley started, alongside Constantinou.

We got off to a bad start, again, and conceded from a sloppy set piece, again. Only 3 minutes in. Here we go, I thought. Less than 20 minutes later, Langan found Watt on the left hand side who headed to the back post and there was Stephen Cawley to head home an equaliser. Delighted! On 35 minutes, skipper Parkes knocked a smart through ball past the Welling defence and Cawley had enough pace to bypass them and fire past the keeper to grab his and our second. Much more like it.

Then after half time, we carried it on. Joe Howe knocked in a hard, low cross from the right which was picked up by nobody in the Welling defence and once again, Cawley fired home to grab Hemel's third and claim the matchball. Celebrations were short lived as Welling immediately went on the attack and Ward gave away a penalty, which Mills scored from, but all in all, we dominated in every area and it looked a resounding victory. 2 goals conceded due to poor defensive mistakes but injury worries and lack of form meant any familiarity and confidence building partnerships at the back was hard to find. I have to admit, I was just delighted with the victory and couldn't focus too heavily on the minor points.


Saturday 27th August 2018 - Chelmsford (Home) - Walker; Langan, Corbridge, Hutchison, Connolly; Howe, Clifford, Parkes, Watt; Kavanagh, Cawley.

Our final game of a hectic first month and one I was hoping for a win from after last week's performance. Corbridge came in for the injured Ward and loanee Kavanagh replaced the injured Constantinou. Oddly, we started well and even odder, bagged the first goal. Connor Langan won a header on the halfway line and Kavanagh outpaced his man to fire home from the edge of the box with a stinger of an effort. On 32 minutes, we doubled our lead and Kavanagh's tally as a long Clifford clearance created a counter attack which beat the Chelmsford defence and Kavanagh again fired home from the same area.

As well as we played, the conditions and human error cost us a second consecutive win. On 63 minutes, Taylor Miles pulled one back for Chelmsford as his 20 yard effort was tipped into Laurie Walker's goal by, well, Laurie Walker. With 7 minutes left, Barnum-Bobb's jinking run produced a poorly hit effort which Walker somehow struggled with and let beat him at the near post. It was a poor display from Walker and meant Hemel ended up drawing 2-2. This, and the lack of backup, would mean another foray into the transfer market for myself and the addition of Charlton's Ashley Maynard-Brewer on loan until the end of the season.



In conclusion, a busy, hard month with plenty of testing results and circumstances. As always, failure provides lessons to learn and we'd have many lessons to learn from.

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