Guti the maestro
Banned
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2011
- Messages
- 23
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Rule 1: Always start with five forwards
You must become a disciple of the prophet Ossie Ardiles, who invented the modern 2-3-5 and utilised it to devastating effect at Tottingham in the early 1990s. At home, against weaker outfits like Schalke, you are encouraged to apply a 1-3-6 or 1-2-7 variant.
You must become a disciple of the prophet Ossie Ardiles, who invented the modern 2-3-5 and utilised it to devastating effect at Tottingham in the early 1990s. At home, against weaker outfits like Schalke, you are encouraged to apply a 1-3-6 or 1-2-7 variant.
Rule 2: Midfielders must not press the opposition
- You must allow the opposition so much time that they can dig through a granite wall with a needle, enjoy a round-the-world cruise, wait for Fernando Torres to score for Chelsea, and still have time to snail through unopposed to score.
Rule 3: Wesley Sneijder must never track back
You must tell your most creative midfielder that when he loses the ball, he is to beat the floor with his fist Rino Gattuso-style and moan like an Italian housewife, before breaking Dimitar Berbatov's 'least distance covered' record.
Rule 4: Disagree with Carlo Garganese that Maicon is finished
When Carlo Garganese remarks five months previously that Douglas Maicon is “finished” you must laugh at him, ridicule him, and complain he is anti-Inter. Your faith in Maicon remains unchallenged even when he fails to keep pace with Schalke’s Hans Sarpei, the antonym to Usain Bolt in all good dictionaries.
Rule 5: Instruct Cristian Chivu to get sent off
A controversial tactic. Some argue that you will concede more goals with Chivu on the pitch, others claim that it is harder to defend in a 1-3-5 as opposed to a 2-3-5. Either way, you can’t lose…or should I say – win.
Rule 6: Leave Nagatomo on the bench
Despite his superiority to both full-backs Maicon and Chivu, you must persist in leaving Yuto Nagatomo on the bench. You can, however, grant the former Cesena star a few minutes at the end to please his thousands of countrymen who travel all the way from Japan to come and see him.
Rule 7: Apply grease and oil to Julio Cesar’s goalkeeping gloves
You must maximise the probability of your castaway goalkeeper spilling a routine shot from 20 yards or dropping a harmless cross by smearing grease over his gloves before every game. Alternatively, you can drop your first choice shot-stopper and play Luca Castellazzi. Or you can swap your best defender for Fabian Carini.
Rule 8: Place hand on mouth when you want to self-destruct
You must possess a secret suicide signal for your players to follow. When you want Ranocchia to score an own goal, Maicon to turn slower than milk, or Chivu to chase the Lady in Red, simply place your hand on your mouth pensively. Do this for the entire 90 minutes, and you will hit the jackpot.
Rule 9: Pick Dejan Stankovic when he is unfit and will only last 20 minutes
This is a regular ploy which has previously been practiced by Roberto Mancini, Jose Mourinho and Rafael Benitez, and assures that your defensive patterns can be thrown out of the window in the early moments. The resulting entrance of Houssine Kharja will ensure plenty of attacking freedom for the opposition's midfield.
Rule 10: Instruct Andrea Ranocchia to score own goals
Simply having a proclivity to regularly pass the ball to the opposition is not good enough, Ranocchia can do much more to help them out. By scoring own goals with either left foot, he can cut straight to the chase in your team's downfall.