JUVENTUS: THE OLD LADY RETURNS

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JUVENTUS: THE OLD LADY RETURNS
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The imminent departure of Antonio Conte amid match-fixing allegations has resulted in the appointment of the enigmatic Edward Nigma as manager of Juventus.
View attachment 270341When asked about the challenges he and his new club faced for the upcoming season, Mr Nigma merely shrugged and answered with a bizarre question “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?. Mr Nigma then proceeded to vacate the press conference leaving the bewildered journalists to scratch their heads in disbelief at this PR stunt.

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A Juventus FC website release gave the worried Juventus fans reassurance when Mr Nigma gave a brief outline of how he was going to restore pride and success to the Grand Old Lady of Turin.
“Fear not loyal fans, impending success and glory are a major mathematical probability when taking into account the strength and size of the squad I have at my disposal. We will be employing a 3-5-2 formation similar to that of the previous manager so that there will be a seamless transition for the players that will allow them to excel in pre-season and challenge for the Seria A Title. Transfers in and out of the club will be handled by me personally to ensure only the very best players are brought into this historical club, Yours in good faith MR E. Nigma.

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CANI – Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Scout Report: Classy attacking midfielder who will bring experience, creativity and consistency.

Bruno - Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Scout Report: Brings real steel to the midfield and astronomical passing ability, always stays back to defend which is handy.

Marco Verratti – Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Scout report: Long term replacement for Pirlo, same mould of a player.

Keisuki Honda - Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Scout Report: To accompany the arrival of Cani a quality left footed AMC was required, Honda is that and much more.

Paul Pogba – On loan
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Nigma Scout Report: Midfield beast, loaned this individual to see if the young man would be a viable option to purchase next year.

Yann M’Vila – Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Scout Report: A Tyrant in midfield, and adds to the French flavour along with fellow countryman Paul Pogba.

Sime Vrsaljko – Undisclosed fee
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Nigma Report: One for the future, also can play in a variety of positions to add much needed cover for the back three and the ageing Grosso.

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http://www.mediafire.com/?p13370zpm03e1aa My 3-5-2.
 
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Pre-Season results
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Not Much has been heard from Mr Nigma and his elusive Juventus team, when not participating in fixtures he has had the entirety of the squad on a secretive training camp deep in the Himalayan mountains. Guarded by Para-military the following is as close as we got to speaking to Mr Nigma.
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“I knew you couldn't resist my ****! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got the burgers that'll... I just got burgers.”

Not sure if this was another insane PR stunt to advertise for McDonalds or whether this truly was a deranged individual ****-bent on protecting the Juventus’ squads privacy, all journalists left abruptly.
 
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Seria A, Match Day 1.

Match Report

Venue: Juventus Stadium
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Line up:
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Early season jitters were apparent but Mr Nigma has guided his team to a winning start. Full Sky Sports Analysis ensues.

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Mr Nigma post match comment:
“A Dominant display by the boys in black and white, good to see a solid defence was rewarded with a vital 3 points. New signings seem to be blending in well and I am off now to analyse the hard stats of the fixture and to make tactical adjustments prior to our next fixture”.
As a parting gift Mr Nigma posed yet another bizarre question/riddle to the journalist and disappeared in a swift fashion.

“The more there is the less you see.?”

Doing himself no further public relations favours, fans and journalists alike are pondering the sanity of the newly appointed Juventus manager.
 





Seria A, Match day 2View attachment 270421
Match Report
Venue:
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Domination away from home is a rare thing and so were the stats on show. A comprehensive 2-1 victory away from home has got media and fans excited to see Juventus’ next home game against title rivals AC Milan.
Our very own Sky sports analysts gave a brief dissection into the statistical variables that were apparent in the fixture.
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Mr Nigma post match comment:

“What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?”

Dumbfounded again by the erratic Mr Nigma, journalists thought it prudent to not ask any further questions in fear of a more confusing or off subject remark.
 
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Seria A, Match day 3

Match Report

Venue: Juventus stadium
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The Victory run continues as Juventus snap up a clean sheet and a vital win against AC Milan, new signing Honda is obviously having trouble adapting to the Seria A capping another poor performance from the Japanese star.

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[video=youtube;IeS0mfiGzJw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeS0mfiGzJw&feature=g-upl[/video]

Failing to score from open play Juventus managed to scrape a goal from a corner, highlights show that Fabio Quagliarella seemed to be showing off his most dramatic dance move prior to nicking a goal at the front post.

Nigma post match comment after being asked whether Pirlo could regain his place in the starting 11 after two imperious displays by M'Vila:

"At night they come without being fetched, by day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?"

"The answer is the answer to your question i have many in my team and will interchange them depending on fitness and form"
 
love this your press comments are very mad keep it up
 
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Seria A, Match day 4

Match Report

Venue:
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An early goal by veteran Del Piero saved Juventus and their blushes as they failed to break down the Palermo defence for the entirety of the game post 18mins.
[video=youtube;QNyoIj6QOGg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNyoIj6QOGg&feature=youtu.be[/video]
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Sky sports journalists were shunted by Mr Nigma at the post match comment section leaving only the assistant manager to fill in finishing the press duties:

“My mentor Mr Nigma is a walking riddle! He is as intelligent as his obscure riddles and has great tactical knowledge of how to win a game of football”

Here is a mock-up of Mr Nigma as a walking riddle! Hopefully the new Juventus coach can see the funny side.
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