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Manchester United Lose Ferguson To Arthritis
Manchester United fans could be heard sobbing into their tissues as news was released that the Wiley Scot had called time on his illustrious career with the club. Ferguson who seemed to have a fascination for big shiny cups, leaves due to his Arthritis. Fergie admitted that he just couldn't cope with pointing and waving his arms around like a looney anymore. He also admitted that he never really liked Malcolm Glazer and thought that he was a sweaty ginger *****, who only wanted the club to rape it of it's money. Ferguson did however add that he will be looking forward to his weekends now where he'll be sat in his pants with a beer and of course some chewing gum watching Sky Sports, the Man Utd games and playing Fifa. He even added that at home he would be able to kick boots at his players!
United Install Skeeven Sneed As New Manager
Malcolm Glazer has today announced that young Ukranian manager Skeeven Sneed will replace the departing Ferguson. Sneed has a huge reputation in Ukraine and even managed to get his sons Under 8's team promoted to the above division. This huge feat was enough for Malcolm Glazer to act fast and ensnare his man. Glazer admitted that he was shocked to get his man with such ease and was seen jumping for joy when the deal was confirmed. Malcolm Glazer even laid on a private jet to fly his new man back to England but was shocked to learn that Sneed is afraid of flying after having watched the film Airplane at a young age. Glazer flew back alone while Sneed had the luxury of a 22 hour coach journey. Plenty of time for him to learn about the Red Devils...
This Story Will Be From Skeeven's point of view...
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I didn't get much sleep on my journey even if the coach was of a luxury standard. I was told by Glazer that I was to watch Man Utd DVD's and understand the club a bit better. It was good and I even got to see a guy called Eric kung-fu some guy in the face. It got a bit dull though when players like Kleberson and Djemba-Djemba were signed. I must admit I switched off and started watching mine and my son's favourite programme... Pokemon. After I'd watched a few episodes I thought I'd better ring the wife and let her know how it's going. Her names Helga and she is to remain in Ukraine so our son Manki can stay in a settled educational environment. Basically he's thick as Rhino **** and he'd be an embarassment to have in England. After the call I switched back to my United DVD's but switched off after watching some guy called Berbatov waltz around the pitch with the ball. It was about as exciting as opening and closing the curtains over and over again.
I arrived at Carrington Training Ground around 8 o'clock after hardly a wink of sleep and probably could have made a better impression. I was zonked out on the bed as the coach pulled in and was unaware of the journalists pointing their camera's into the coach. I was wearing nothing but my Carmen Electra boxer shorts.
I got changed and after Malcolm Glazer quickly met me and we whizzed inside the complex. He asked me what I thought of the DVD to which I nervously said yes very good, I liked it, nodding my head ferociously. He glanced at me in a weirded out kind of way before leading me towards the dressing room.
We entered and there was a sudden silence. Glazer shushed the players and bellowed for them to shut the **** up. They all looked like scolded children which reminded me of managing my son's under 8's football team. Glazer introduced me and then left me with my team. I recognised some from the DVD there was that little ginger man who could never tackle, he looked shy and reserved like a little lost puppy. There was another I remember from the DVD the one with the hairy chest who swings his shirt around his head. The first player to approach me spoke in such a weird dialogue I could only guess that he was from outer Mongola with his thick foreign accent. I nodded and just agreed with him in the hope he'd move on quickly. I wanted to know who he was as I hadn't seen him on the DVD and as he turned around I caught a glimpse of his Jersey... Rooney it said on the back.
Another player to welcome me was a chap who called himself Chicharito, he smiled and was so cute I could have put him in my pocket and taken him home with me. He told me that in his homeland Chicharito means something that sounded like little Pig.
After enjoying a few pleasentries I decided that this was enough and that I wanted to see the team train. I lead them out to the training ground and told them all to pick a partner. This always worked with the kids back in Ukraine. There was one player left out and all alone without a partner, he told me his name was Macheda. I asked why no one wanted to be with him and a few players shouted out that it's because he was ****... I thought to myself for a few seconds, ****? I then walked up to him and walked him off the pitch. I apologised and told him not to come back. I don't need **** players. I ran back to the other players clapping my hands gleefully and told them the good news. They looked shocked and after were all extremely nice to me.
A man called Mike Phelan approached me and asked if I was ok. I told him that I was a bit tired and could do with a deck chair to sit in with one of those megaphones to bark out my orders. I also told him to wear a wig whenever he is near me as I have a phopia of bald men ever since I was egged nearly everyday as a child.
Come the end of the day I was pooped and starting to lose interest in the squad. Luckily I was now in my deck chair relaxing and playing Angry Birds. I was told by a player called Nanny that it was time to go home as it was getting dark. I grabbed my coat and said see you tomorrow to the squad before jumping back into the coach which was to take me to my new home. On the way to my new abode I saw that Macheda bloke who I was told was **** trying to blag a lift by someone as he walked down the side of the road. I instructed my driver to drive up close to him so I could apologise to him and tell him there were no hard feelings. As the coach drove close though the wheels whizzed through a puddle and the poor bloke got soaked. I **** myself and shouted for the driver to drive, drive, drive!
Finally I got home and after a long day I went to bed, after watching some more Pokemon.