Charlie Mason
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BREAKING NEWS
REAL MADRID APPOINT LUIZ FELIPE SCOLARI
I see pictures of myself all over the hotel room's television as most of the news channel's report that I have replaced Joes Mourinho as the Real Madrid boss. Mourinho it seem's has decided to return to Chelsea to replace Andre Villas-Boas who has been sacked. Boas almost lasted less time than I did at the London club. Why Jose has decided to go back to Chelsea I don't know. I hope he keeps an eye on his wife as John Terry is still playing for the club I think, infact sometimes I think he manages them aswell. I hear his best friend Frank Lampard wasn't playing so he asked his second best friend Roman Abramovic to sack Villa-Boas... See England is way to much drama, not like Spain where it's warm and everyone is more relaxed.
After I had finished combing my slightly thinning, barely noticeable hair, I left my hotel room to go and meet the players which I had to do under the strict instructions of Florentino Pérez who calls himself the chairman, I will think of him more as a piggy bank. It seem's that he likes to spend money on players even if they're **** like Nuri Sahin and Hamit Altintop, yes I have researched Madrid... well on the plane over from Brazil and between snoozes, and my inflight meals and after watching Love Actually on the entertainment section on the TV.
I arrived at the Bernabéu, and immediately thought, what a dump! I saw Florentino Pérez waving at me like a little school girl but I thought I'd better say hello as he may think i'm rude. After listening to him babble on about how happy he was to have me at the club I stopped him in his tracks and told him that I wanted £50M to spend on players! He gasped and looked at me in disgust, that's obsurd he claimed! £50M you must be mad! That's far too little, you can have £70M and Don't be so cheap!
After my frank conversation with Florentino Pérez I walked off with the knowledge that my new boss is a **** but a rich one at least!Afterwards I found my way into the players dressing room, where the players had got together to meet their manager. As I walked in I was shocked!! Not only were the players larking playing on their I-phones and I-pads but they hadn't even noticed I'd walked in! "Ah Hem!" I firmly coughed! They looked up and burst out laughing! They all looked at each other struggling to put a serious faces on! "This is funny" proclaimed Sergio Ramos who started laughing again. I grabbed his I-Phone and flung it at the wall. "Right You! Your in the reserves for a week and if you come back with that haircut your sacked! You look like a woman and like the English Commentator Andy Gray insinuated, there is no place for women in football" His shoulders sunk and his head dropped as he walked out of the room. I now had all of the players attention apart from one who was eyeing himself up in the mirror. It was my old chum form the Portugal squad Ronaldo! "Cristiano.... Cristiano..... CRISTIANO!" he jumped back and sat with the rest of the players. I think I'll call him Cristina Ronaldo as he spends alot of his time in the mirror like a Diva, That's Diva not Diver!
"Right you lot! Last year, I hear you won a Cup?" I started my introductory speech with off with. "We certainly did" Kaka replied! That's **** I replied backhanding him in the face, He looked shocked and a little bit afraid. "I remember you" I said "Your the guy who broke his neck, played well for AC Milan and then came here and became Kack!" (New Nickname) He soon shutup! I continued "Right if we don't beat Barcelona to the league title this year, you can all feel **** about yourselves and if you start getting depressed then eiter do one or jump off a bridge"
I felt like my induction with the players went very well, I asserted some authority, told them what I think, set expectations and even got to back hand Kack in the process which was a brucie bonus!
After reviewing the players and watching them train in the afternoon, I gave most players a nickname!
I called Casillas over...
"I have watched you train and I realise that you are the player who has the most experience, your also one of the oldest and that means players will look up to you. I want to make you my Captain!" Casillas looked happy. "there's one slight problem though... I can't work with someone who has a name like Iker... Whats that... It's not a real name is it?" "ye..." "Shutup, I'm talking" I interupted " Your new name is now Michael, Like it or your fired" Michael looked downbeat but jogged off again towards the players.
