Singing the Blues - A Semi-Fictional Story of Managing Birmingham City on FM23

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Season One

Part One​

Welcome to a new project in which I take charge of Birmingham City and write about my experiences like they're my actual job because I'm a bit bonkers. In this part, I take over as manager and recap preseason ahead of the Championship season kicking off.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

I open the door to my new office at Wast Hills and drink in the sensation of being stood right here, right now. It's a special day when you take over as manager of the club you've supported your whole life.

I plonk myself into my chair and begin gently stroking the desk as my new PA, Harry, pops his head around the door.

"To think Harry, I'm sat at the same desk as so many icons of this club - Trevor Francis, Barry Fry, Gil Merrick..."

"No boss, that's a new desk we got from John Lewis last month. Do you want a coffee?"

"And now," I continue, not listening, "I get my chance. It's the stuff of dreams, isn't it?!"

"Mhm, yes, coffee?" Harry replies.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. What's the deal with that? Bean-to-cup? Pods?"

"I think we've got a jar of Kenco in the cupboard, if that's out then I've got some Morrisons Gold Blend in my desk drawer."

"I'll take it black then please," I say, my intestines crying quietly. Add a coffee machine to the top of my transfer shortlist.

"No worries Nicole, back in two ticks."

Harry shuffles out of the room so I go back to the desk and start rifling through the drawers. Letterheaded paper, whiteboard pens, stapler... nothing overly exciting. I decide to scout the cabinets that line the wall opposite me. A nice crystal whiskey set (that'll be helpful later, I'm sure), every copy of Men's Fitness from 2002 to 2007 (less helpful), a small wooden box that's got a tiny silver lock, Troy Deeney's autobiography with offensive names scrawled onto seemingly every page with more and more vitriol to the point that pages have been torn and what looks like blood is -

My attention suddenly snaps back to the box. I don't remember seeing a key that matched that lock in the desk. I pick up the box and inspect it closely. It looks like it could be 50 years old, yet there's not a speck of dust on any of its surfaces and the lock looks brand new. I lift the box to my ear to see if I can make out any sounds...

"What are you doing?" Harry blurts out, a slight note of panic in his voice.

"Where did you come from?" I retort, jolting back to reality. "Where's the key to this? What's in it? Why have you brought me a coffee in a pint glass?"

"The kitchen, I can't tell you, I REALLY can't tell you, and the last gaffer started throwing the mugs at the wall towards the end of last season, breaking all that were left after the Blackpool game."

Makes sense, coming down with COVID was only the second worst thing I experienced as a result of that trip.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"You've not been here long enough."

"How long is long enough?"

"Hopefully, you'll find out."

Well, that's not at all ominous. We maintain silent eye contact for a moment longer before I take my pint of coffee from Harry and turn back to my chair. "Thank you Harry, I take it the squad overview has been sent over for me?"

"Yes," Harry says, clearly relieved we've moved on. “I've loaded everything onto your laptop for you, ready to use once you unlock it. Your password will be 'Trev8', please reset it to your own personal choice once you've signed in for security reasons."

"Thanks Harry, this'll help make a few decisions over the summer. I'll let you know if I need anything else."

Harry nods and leaves, shutting the door behind him. I briefly consider going back to the box, but I decide against it - there's more pressing matters at hand.

* * * * * * * *
​

"What's the reaction been on social media then Harry?"

"A bit of sexism, but there's been plenty of push-back from the rest of the fanbase."

"I meant on transfers you pillock."

"Oh, of course. There's been a mostly positive response to the sale of Neil Etheridge, most understood that it wasn't worth having two top goalkeepers on the books, though some would rather he was picked over John Ruddy."

"John Ruddy who saved two penalties in preseason and isn't on over £20,000 a week in wages?" I snort back through a much nicer cup of coffee thanks to some smart investment at the end of June - who needs a transfer budget? "At least we made £70,000 from his sale"

"What about Danny Rose? Are they happy with that at least?"

"They are actually, even though he's 32, they felt he added a bit of mobility and quality at left-back that was what George Friend and Manny Longelo were arguably missing respectively. If he plays to the best of his abilities then he'll elevate the team for sure."

"They seemed to be quite excited at the prospect of Ramon Azeez coming into the midfield, though after today I feel we shouldn't dwell on that boss..."

"If I here anything else about Azeez, I may have to throw my phone out the window."

"What's the mood overall then?"

"Pessimistic, but what's new."

"Didn't they see any of preseason? We held our own against Chelsea!" I exclaim, genuinely shocked that we didn't get the type of treatment that causes footballers to consider a change of profession to something that doesn't require the use of your legs.

​

"At least we aren't favourites to go down now Nicole, that's a plus right?"

"Yeah, because we all aspire to be 20th."

​

"I think we should be excited gaffer, I think if everything goes to plan then we could be in for a happier season than we've gotten used to over the last few years," Harry tells me, hoping to keep me optimistic. In truth, I'm expecting 20th to be a best-case scenario.

Don't worry, it's only Luton to open the season. Away. Who got to the play-offs last season. What's there to be scared of?

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram @chonkypandatactics, and @PandaTactics on Twitter!

 

[Crayth]

Good luck fella. (Hope you lose. I'm a Villa fan, JKS)

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Two​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! In this part we get under way with our first five games. Can we start the season positively? Will we be naff? Will ANYONE take Harlee Dean?

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Huddersfield game!

Part One
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

​

"So, why are you both here as assistant managers? Does it really need two of you to do the job?"

Matthew Gardiner shuffles awkwardly in his seat as Keith Downing inhales deeply before answering.

"We have discussions and come to a consensus before feeding back to you."

"Is that why I only ever hear from you?"

"It doesn't seem necessary to hear the same information twice."

"That's why you're paid more then? Because you actually talk to me Keith?"

"I don't think it really matters what we earn in truth."

"Might do," I reply, sipping my tea. "We are trying to run a tighter ship around here after all..."

"Shouldn't we be focusing on the match?" Matthew interjects, making me jump slightly given I thought he was mute.

"We feel we should start off fairly cautiously and try to frustrate Luton. A draw would be a great result, we should play with that in mind," says Keith.

"Thanks guys, that's a very sensible idea."

"Thank you," Keith smiles.

"It's not what we're going to do though."

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I know it's ambitious, but I want us to play quick, flowing football, and I don't want us to shy away from that in the first match of the season. I have faith in our lads and you should too," I finish.

Keith and Matthew exchange a look before Keith turns to me.

"You're right Nicole, we should believe in the boys - if you think it's a good idea, we'll support you the whole way."

"Good," I reply, "Then let's send those men out there and hope they believe in themselves too."

​

And believe in themselves they do.

We move the ball around well in the first half, though not creating much outside of a Troy Deeney half-volley that he sends into orbit from 12 yards out.

Then, things start clicking in the second half. Juninho Bacuna sets Tahith Chong away on the right and he bursts past two men before floating a ball to the edge of the box for Krystian Bielik to volley with the ferocity of a cat on forearms to give us the lead on the hour mark. Things are going so well that Bielik decides to even things up a bit by pulling his knee ligaments 20 minutes later, though that wouldn't stop us from sealing the three points as Danny Rose sends in a cross from the left for Deeney to make amends and volley home from the penalty spot with nine minutes to go.

First game, first win, first clean sheet. Perhaps it won't be such a painful season after all.

* * * * * * * *
​

"If Krystian's going to be out for two or three weeks, then I need him in now Craig."

"But he'll be free in January, Nicole, we've agreed that deal," retorts our technical director Craig Gardner, "can you not get by with the young lads until then?"

"He would add some senior depth to midfield that we're lacking and would start ahead of your brother when everyone's fit if I'm perfectly honest."

"My relationship with Gary shouldn't stop us from trying to build the best team we can I guess. It'll cost us £325,000 to bring Emerson in now, are you happy for that to come out of your budget?"

"Yes," I say, "yes I am."

​

"Oh, and Craig?" I add, standing up.

"Yes, Nicole?"

"Any update on anyone taking Harlee Dean off our hands?"

Craig bursts out laughing for what seems like several hours before he regains his composure: "No."

"Even for free?"

"No."

"Even if we paid half of his £31,000 per week wages?"

"No."

"Cheers Craig."

"Cheers Nicole, good luck tomorrow."

* * * * * * * *
​

Cardiff are an interesting prospect. On the one hand, they were a bottom-half team last season. On the other, they've signed 429 players over the summer, so who knows what to expect. Emerson Hyndman comes in for his debut with Gary Gardner dropping to the base of our midfield to replace the injured Bielik and Josh Williams comes in for Maxime Colin who picked up a slight knock in training.

​

The first half seems to be passing with all the excitement of a Monday morning until the stroke of half-time when it's suddenly Saturday night. Gardner sprays a pass wide to Chong who fizzes a ball into the six yard box for Deeney to glance home for 1-0.

But if that was our Saturday night. the second half is the hangover. In quick succession, Mark Harris misses two chances after long balls over the top of our defence, causing us to drop deeper and try to tighten up, yet he keeps on coming. Just when we think we might be home and dry, the inevitable happens. A long ball down Cardiff's right after a rushed clearance sees Romaine Sawyers ghost inside the area to square to Harris for a tap-in. Heartbroken.

* * * * * * * *
​

As much as that late equaliser will have been a blow to the boys, they'll need to pick themselves up to go again Friday night for last season's losing play-off finalists, Huddersfield. Colin comes back in for Williams in our only change from Tuesday's match.

​

The first half is once again passing with little incident before, heading into injury time, Jonathan Hogg decides he wants to give Dion Sanderson a cuddle at a corner to hand us a penalty. Deeney slots into the bottom corner, settling us down as we go into half-time.

Our composure is maintained as we head out after the break, taking only seven minutes to double our lead with the sort of sumptuous football that I'm looking for. John Ruddy plays a goal kick out to Rose and he drives forward, crossing the halfway line before sending a ball centrally for Bacuna who lofts a pass for Hannibal Mejbri to nod down from the edge of the box and Deeney rifles in off of the post. 2-0 up, we cruise through the rest of the game, the only downside being Chong pulling up - he'll miss the next two weeks of action.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We now have nearly a full week to recover for our first round match in the EFL Cup against Stevenage on the following Thursday, also giving us some time to handle transfer business. As much as I love Lukas Jutkiewicz, £15,000 a week is far too much for a third-choice striker in our financial position.

​

If I'm totally honest, the cups are not my priority this season and, truthfully, I think even our backup squad should be good enough to see us through. Ruddy and Gardner are the only players to keep their place from Friday as we hope to put in another controlling performance.

​

We absolutely dominate the first half, the only surprise being it takes nearly half an hour to break the deadlock. Przemysław Płacheta plays a one-two with Jordan James on the right before swinging a ball to the back post for Jonathan Leko to head in from close range.

Our dominance continues in the second half, with Manny Longelo picking up the ball out on the left and making the type of run that ends right-backs' careers as professional footballers, surging into the box and smashing in at the near post for a goal on his first senior start. We seem to be closing out the game when Stevenage suddenly wake up with five minutes to go. Scott Hogan loses the ball upfield from our goal kick, Jake Taylor receives the ball on their right and plays a low ball across the box for the totally unmarked Luke Norris to finish from four yards out. Fortunately, that's their last chance of note and we progress, drawing Leyton Orient in the next round.

* * * * * * * *
​

With most of our best eleven rested on Thursday, our team seems refreshed and ready for a rather different level of competition - Watford, a team who were playing Premier League football last season. We go with the same eleven that beat Huddersfield, with Bielik fit enough for half an hour from the bench.

​

Both teams decide that the match isn't worth playing until the last 15 minutes when, suddenly, the game sparks into life. In a well worked move from a throw-in on our left, Rose receives the ball on the edge of the box, cuts inside, and threads the ball into the near corner to send Blues fans wild. Clearly, Danny is still delirious as five minutes later he tries to dribble across his own area and runs into Ruddy, allowing Joao Pedro to gleefully roll the ball into an empty net.

We aren't giving up that easily though.

We win a corner straight from kick-off which Sanderson meets at the near post with a thunderous header that nearly breaks the net.

"We should drop in now boss, we can't give them another chance to get back in this," shouts Keith over the noise.

"Seriously?" I shout back. "Don't you remember what happened when we tried that against Cardiff? We need to stay on them, what we're doing is working and there's no way-"

A roar from the Gil Merrick stand breaks my monologue.

"They've scored, haven't they?"

* * * * * * * *
​

Five games in, we're unbeaten in the league after a tough start, have progressed in the cup, and seem to be getting to grips with my tactical ideas. Tougher times will be ahead I'm sure, so it's important we get points on the board as soon as possible.

After all, there's no way we're pushing for the top six this season...is there?

* * * * * * * *​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Three​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! Can we follow up on our decent start to the season? Unlikely, Norwich are scary.

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Leyton Orient game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

* * * * * * * *​

“So you’re telling me they’ll make a decision this morning?”

“Should do, Nicole,” answers Harry, my personal assistant. “They told us to expect to hear from them by 11am, so not long to go now.

I’m currently pacing in my office at Wast Hills, waiting to hear the result of a work permit application. Any other day, I could wait, but not today - it’s match day and I want our potential new recruit in the squad.

“Have we at least got kit ready for him? We need to be as prepared as possible,” I say. The last thing I need is to get the go-ahead from the FA, only to find out that we’ve forgotten to give him clothes.

“Yes, we checked with him about what number he wanted too - he asked if 22 was free but he got laughed at. Hopefully that hasn’t upset him much…” Harry trails off. The number 22 was retired when Jude Bellingham left the club in 2020, with the only exception being that he could have it back should he ever return. Wishful thinking in truth. We stand in silence for a moment, both reminiscing about Jude when I pull myself back to the present.

“Everyone’s prepped then? All ready to go?”

“Yes gaffer, everyone’s ready. I sure hope Josh Williams doesn’t get too deflated by being taken out of the squad should Mathías have his permit come through,” ponders Harry.

“Given Josh nearly gifted a goal to Cardiff and seemed overwhelmed by the might of Stevenage, I’d be amazed if he wasn’t relieved,” I snort back. Poor Josh, he’s shown he’s just not at Championship level yet and that’s why we had to make a move for Mathías Suárez of Montpellier. He’s not a superstar, but he’s decent cover that we could really do with and can cover both sides if necessary. That, plus he’s fairly cheap and we currently have very little in the way of money.

Then, the phone rings on Harry’s desk.

“Nicole Andrews’ office, Harry speaking,” Harry answers, having dashed from the room. “Hi Graham, got some news for us? Excellent, I’ll let her know.” Harry pokes his head back through the door frame. “He’s in.”

* * * * * * * *​

Wigan have started the season better than most would have expected, picking up seven points from their first four games and sitting three places behind us in sixth, making this the meeting of the two teams with the most unexpectedly good starts - someone might be brought crashing back to Earth. Krystian Bielik and Tahith Chong are both fit enough for at least an hour so come back into the starting lineup with Przemysław Płacheta and Gary Gardner dropping to the bench. Suárez is as sharp as a spoon but will take Poor Josh’s spot as a substitute given he actually looks like a Championship footballer.

​

To say things were one-sided would be an understatement - this was a total demolition. Thankfully, we were the ones in the bulldozers.

Ten minutes in, we work the ball outstandingly well with every player having a part in the move prior to Troy Deeney thumping a shot from range that Ben Amos does well to parry, before he seemingly defies the laws of physics to get to Juninho Bacuna’s follow-up shot from three yards out. Then, following another long range shot from Deeney, Chong whips in a corner from the right for Auston Trusty to meet with force at the near post. Again, Amos makes a stunning save but Trusty must have taken this as a personal insult and followed up with a strike from two yards that would’ve decapitated anyone who thought it sensible to try and stop it. Auston’s clearly in the mood as he finds himself in the box again following a free kick, only to have his shot blocked this time. We go in at half-time having had nearly 60% of the ball.

We continue to squeeze Wigan in the second half, Bacuna threading a glorious ball through to Deeney to lob over the onrushing Amos. Every home fan in the stadium begins celebrating, but Graeme Shinnie has the audacity to make a lung-busting run and fling himself goalward to prod the bouncing ball wide. It doesn’t take long before we’re through again, though this time it takes everyone by surprise. Hannibal Mejbri wins a header on the left which trickles towards the goal like an elderly slug, but nobody notices substitute Scott Hogan ghosting into the six yard box. He takes a touch yet snatches at the chance and lashes his strike straight at the ‘keeper. We decide to ease off and try to slow the game down with some keep-ball and Wigan seem quite relieved to escape with just a 1-0 loss as they barely threaten for the last 15 minutes. Glorious.

* * * * * * * *​

Another Carabao Cup match, another game on a Thursday for seemingly no reason. I’m starting to think the “E” in “EFL Cup” stands for Europa.

Once again, the cups are not my priority this season, so we’ll be making ten changes from Saturday. Only John Ruddy survives as Zach Jeacock is struggling with an injury, with Suárez making his full debut. The boys should have enough about them to see off a mid-table League Two team in Leyton Orient as they did Stevenage, ideally without any issues.

The first half can be summed up in one sentence: “Great chance for Scott Hogan, straight at the goalkeeper.”. Unimpressed, I voice my dissatisfaction to my players at the break.

It seems to have somewhat of an impact when, ten minutes into the second half, Płacheta decides to stop setting up Hogan to fail and instead curls a left footed strike into the top corner from the edge of the box. I hope that this is the catalyst for us to start banging them in, but we revert back to Hogan and now Jonathan Leko missing every chance that comes their way. We have a brief moment of panic as the rather unfortunately named Gerald Sithole prods a cross goalwards for Orient’s first shot on target in stoppage time, but Ruddy gets down well to hold. In his short cameo from the bench, Poor Josh manages to get himself booked and suspended for the next round - can’t say I blame him for wanting to miss it.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Norwich will be a stern test of where we’re at as a team. A Premier League team last season who have a tendency to romp the Championship whenever they return, the Canaries are sat second in the league and, frankly, have me making a small mess in my underwear.

We revert to the lineup that saw off Wigan with young Rico Patterson making his maiden appearance in a first team squad off the back of some decent form for the Under-21s and Płacheta being ineligible against his parent club.

​

When Ben Gibson strokes home through a crowd of blue shirts from a pulled back free kick on the edge of our box six minutes in I fear for the worst. It’s taken until the eighth game to see us go behind, so it’s time to see how these lads can respond.

They respond by keeping the ball well and controlling the game whilst being as threatening as a baby duck. It’s not until midway through the second half that Bacuna plays a defence-splitting ball through to Chong who sets himself before smashing a shot past Tim Krul’s flailing arms, agonisingly cracking off of the crossbar with such force that I’m surprised it doesn’t go out for a Norwich corner down the other end. We spend the remainder of the game probing but failing to create another clear cut chance, seeing us fall to our first defeat of the season. We competed well and would have gotten something from this game had we had a little more luck, which sees the players' little faces light up when I tell them as much in the dressing room after.

* * * * * * * *​

The transfer deadline comes and goes without any ins or outs, meaning we’re lumbered with Harlee Dean’s wages until at least January. MK Dons did offer to take him on loan, though fancied having him without paying any money at all. Shockingly, I told them to sod off.

I want to see how the boys react to our first loss together, so I pick the same eleven who started the Norwich match in search of a reaction against Preston… is what I would say if Bacuna wasn’t away with Curacao for some reason, so Jordan James will step in for him in midfield.

Preston have started the season with the worst attack in the league yet are somehow still 16th, so we’ll have to be at our best to break down their defence.

Sometimes, I think I’ve made a mistake. Why did I think it was a smart idea to take charge of a financially unstable club, predicted to finish bottom of the league before I joined, who made it clear that I was initially employed as I was cheap?

But sometimes, we have matches like this one at Deepdale.

Just over a quarter of an hour in, Chong gets behind Robbie Brady to pull back for James in the box. Before he can pull the trigger, he’s tripped and we win a penalty that Deeney calmly puts down the middle for 1-0. Chong’s at the centre of everything as, seven minutes later, he sends in a corner that Trusty gets a flick to and sends zipping in at the back post. It seems obvious, therefore, that Chong would twist his knee and need to be replaced at half-time by Płacheta.

Keen to show that he can do everything Tahith can, it takes all of three minutes for Płacheta to whip in a near post corner for Trusty to sledgehammer home for his second, and another 30 for him to centre a ball from the byline for Deeney to thunder home to make it a scarcely believable 4-0. As if he hadn’t done enough already, Płacheta fires in one final corner in injury time and you can already see the grin on Auston’s face as he once again clatters through Preston’s pathetic excuse for a defence and grabs his hat-trick of headers to sign off on the rout. Anybody who claims to have believed Auston Trusty would be our first treble scorer is a liar.

5-0.

This is the reaction I wanted.

* * * * * * * *​

We now have our first free week between Saturdays and we’re all invigorated for it. The mood in the camp is improved even more by Trusty being awarded Championship Player of the week, which he thoroughly deserves.

​

We go into our match against a Swansea team that have drawn more than half their games this season in high spirits, looking to keep our momentum going strong. I pick the same lineup that sent Preston home to their mums because how could I not, with a slightly jetlagged Bacuna filling a space on the bench.

​

This team. This blooming team. I think I’m in love.

After fantastic pressing by the whole team, James wins the ball and feeds a ball for the recovered Chong to shoot straight into Ben Cabango. Luckily for us, the deflection catches the wrong-footed Andrew Fisher out and rolls gently into the bottom corner. Perhaps looking to distract from his fellow centre-back’s misery, Joel Latibeaudiere fancies attempting to amputate Tahith’s legs at the knees with his own legs for a straight red card not even 20 minutes in and we don’t look back.

Swansea can’t handle our press and their refusal to bend their passing principals, whilst admirable, doesn’t help matters. Hannibal wins the ball high up the pitch and finds the influential James who lays a simple ball square for Emerson Hyndman to wallop home from outside the area, coasting our way to the end of the half.

Chong’s causing yet more carnage straight from the break, lifting a ball over the Swansea backline to Hannibal who crashes a strike down and in off the crossbar for one of our best looking goals of the season. The Swans have a decent chance as the clock ticks down, but Jamie Paterson’s effort from ten yards is saved tremendously by Ruddy. Another big win chalked up, another delightful performance, although the news that Maxime Colin will be out for four to seven days is a slight annoyance.

* * * * * * * *​

That’s now five clean sheets from eight league games and, honestly, I wasn’t sure we’d manage that many before the World Cup. A terrific start sees us move up to second, but we can’t expect this to be our position all season. Teams will figure us out, players will get injured, being eaten alive by Manchester UFC in the cup will see morale plummet, so let’s not get our hopes up.

Fun to dream though, eh?

* * * * * * * *​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Four​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! Two local derbies? Two games against teams in the top nine? Sounds like some accidents waiting to happen.

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Coventry game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two

​

“Tell me what’s in this box Harry, it’s driving me insane.”

I’m sitting at my desk at the Wast Hills Training Grounds, attempting to pry information from my personal assistant, Harry, over what’s contained in the small, wooden box that was in one of my cupboards when I took over as manager at Birmingham.

“I told you Nicole, I’ll give you the key when you’ve been here long enough,” Harry replies.

“But how long is that?” I respond. “We’ve had a whole transfer window together, surely that’s long enough?”

“You don’t need to know, stop asking because I won’t tell you - I’ve had plenty of practice at this,” says Harry, firmly.

“Fine,” I concede. “I’ll drop it for now. Doesn’t mean I won’t pester you periodically until you give in.”

“I look forward to it,” says Harry. I can feel how hard he’s trying to not roll his eyes. “If you need me for anything else, I’ll be outside.” With that, Harry leaves my office for his desk. I’ll squeeze the knowledge I’m after from him at some point, but not today. Today’s the day before we play West Brom away, our biggest local derby of the league season, and I can’t let anything distract me - a result tomorrow is too important.

That’s when there’s a knock at the door and Maxime Colin hobbles in, fighting to be fit after suffering from a twisted knee against Swansea.

“Hey Max, something I can help you with?”

“Uh, yes, there’s something I want to let you know,” Maxime mutters sheepishly before taking a deep breath and puffing out his chest, steadying himself. “I’m planning on waiting until the end of the season before making a decision on that contract we discussed, I owe it to myself to see what other options are out there. After all, we all know that the finances here are headed down the toilet and I’m probably only getting one more decent pay rise now I’m nearly 31. You get that, right?”

Oh good, isn’t this terrific news on the eve of the biggest match of the season so far?

“I see. Would you consider a new deal should we find ourselves with new owners? There’s been a lot of media discussion about a possible takeover that might see us in a position to offer much more rewarding contracts going forward,” I say, hopefully convincingly.

“Maybe, but at the end of the season boss. I’m not saying I have my heart set on leaving, I’ll give my all on the pitch every week as I always have, I just need some time to think.” Maxime is much firmer this time, I accept this is a fight not worth fighting today.

“Okay then, Max, thanks for letting me know where you stand. We’ll catch up again soon, rest well today so you can at least make the squad tomorrow, I hope.”

“Thanks Nicole, see you tomorrow.” Maxime stands up and goes to leave the room but pauses in the doorway. “Oh, boss?”

“Yes, Max?”

“What’s this we’re hearing about a new left-back who’s joining in January?” he queries.

“You mean Lucas Rodríguez from Independiente? Our scouting team rated him quite highly, so we made a move to bring him in when his contract expires at the end of the year. We felt that, with Manny Longelo being unable to play much of a part given we have six players on loan and are only allowed five in our squad, having the option to make changes without messing too much with the team would be a sensible decision - especially for such a reasonable price.”

“What do you and the lads think?” I beam.

“None of us have heard of him, so we haven’t a clue. Sure you’ve made the right choice though,” Maxime says as he exits. I slump back into my chair. What a ringing endorsement.

* * * * * * * *​

We go into our match at Sean Dyche’s West Brom second in the league and in fine form, whilst The Baggies are eighth and gifted Coventry their first win of the season at the weekend. It’s a derby match though, so our perpetually awful record against other West Midlands clubs has me incredibly uncomfortable. We only make one change from the team that has an aggregate result of 8-0 from the last two games as Mathías Suárez comes in for contract rebel Colin who is only fit enough to limp onto the bench.

It doesn’t even take ten minutes before Suárez, on his first league start, plays a low cross into the box for Tahith Chong to put home at the second attempt after a good save from David Button. We continue to force openings and when Troy Deeney taps into an empty net from three yards after Hannibal Mejbri’s strike from a tight angle ricocheted off both Button and the post, you could be forgiven for thinking we were going to waltz to another comfortable victory.

Then, everything changed in the space of seven second half minutes.

After Morgan Roberts heads in a Karlan Grant cross following a long ball, fellow substitute Grady Diangana runs directly at our defence who, to their credit, decide that stopping him isn’t going to happen so isn’t worth attempting, and manages to find the ball-shaped gap between the post and John Ruddy’s shoulder to equalise in infuriating fashion. We have dominated this match, so push forward in the hope of retaking the lead.

And by push forward, I mean create nothing for twenty minutes and I take the short journey home staring pensively at the streetlamps as we pass, contemplating how we didn’t win.

* * * * * * * *​

We hope to shake off our disappointment at the Hawthorns with a match back at St. Andrew’s against their vanquishers last weekend, Coventry City; the Sky Blues are 23rd and we want to put them to the sword on live television. A fit again Colin retakes his place at right-back while Juninho Bacuna will replace Jordan James who’s in need of a breather. George Friend has picked up a thigh strain that will keep him out for a month, so Marc Roberts will fill his spot on the bench.

It takes 25 minutes for either team to have a shot on target and it transpires to be the only one of the first half, such is the quality of football on display. The standard improves early in the second period, unfortunately only for Coventry though. Dion Sanderson dithers on the ball and Will Bapaga nicks the ball off his toe for a clean run at goal - to absolutely nobody’s surprise, he slots in for a deserved lead.

The goal seems to wake us up and I jump up ready to celebrate as Hannibal thumps a shot at goal from ten yards, but Simon Moore makes a fantastic save to deny us and cause me to yell expletives that the fourth official has to warn me about not repeating. Moore can’t stop us forever though as substitutes Scott Hogan and Jonathan Leko link up and Leko holds his nerve to slot under the onrushing goalkeeper. We continue to pile forward but once again can’t quite find the finish we’re after and draw for the second time in four days. I flail my arms with vigour as I make sure the players know either how angry I am or how unafraid of looking like a moron I am.

Either way, I think I made my point.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We now go into a game against bottom of the table Rotherham, looking to get back to winning ways… I would say if it weren’t for Rotherham postponing our match as a result of players being away on international duty. We were also given the chance to postpone with Hannibal, Krystian Bielik, and Przemysław Płacheta being away, however we passed at the opportunity because we’re not cowards.

Instead, we get the joys of a Sheffield United team whose ninth place after ten games belies the quality of their squad - we’ll have to be at our best if we want to get anything from this match. James comes back in for Bacuna in our only change as we cross our fingers and hope half of United’s squad come down with food poisoning in the opening five minutes.

Our dreams don’t come true. What happens in the first five minutes isn’t an unfortunately timed need for the toilet but Anel Ahmedhožić carrying the ball 40 yards up field and threading a pass for the electric Iliman N’Diaye to smash into the top corner from the edge of the box. We continue being carved open at frequent intervals, so it’s at this point that I start writing my “They’re a good team and we did our best” speech for the post-match interviews.

So when, out of the blue, Emerson Hyndman plays a ball between the lines for Hannibal during a brief lapse in concentration from the Sheffield United backline, before he squares to Deeney to lash in from the penalty spot, I calmly and with great poise leap out of my seat in a blur of limbs and stumble over in shock, nearly crashing into Hogan during the wholly unexpected celebrations.

All this seems to do is anger The Blades. How dare this inexpensively assembled group of Championship also-rans have the impertinence to equalise against the run of play? Sander Berge heads over from a free kick, we’re ripped apart through the middle only for Rhian Brewster to pound his shot off the base of the post, we have 37% of the ball at the break and want to try and get more of a grip on this game.

However, the onslaught does not relent.

Our goal continues to lead a charmed life as Ahmedhožić sends a volley from four yards pinging off the post, then Brewster has a shot cleared off the line by Auston Trusty when it seemed easier to score. United seem disheartened and they tire, no longer making the inroads they once were, and we somehow find ourselves leaving Bramall Lane with a point that we, frankly, do not deserve in the slightest. This is our first truly poor performance of the season and I’m relieved we weren’t torn to shreds.

* * * * * * * *​

The tricky games keep on coming as we travel to Middlesbrough just four days later, another team who are around the playoff places. Sanderson’s form has been declining so Roberts will make his first league start of the season at his expense, as Hannibal is given a rest in favour of Leko on the left.

We start like a team that wants to make amends for their poor performance at the weekend, breaking through Middlesbrough’s defence within four minutes but Chong is unable to get his shot past Zack Steffen who’s out to smother well.

We are completely in control and looking dangerous, so obviously all it takes is a long ball over our defence to completely sucker punch us. Julio Enciso takes one touch to divert the ball around Ruddy who’s rushed forwards with the composure of a dog that’s just seen 30 tennis balls thrown up in the air at the same time, another to set himself, then rolls the ball into the gaping net to put us behind for the third game in a row. Fuming.

We keep going though, we keep creating chances and dominating possession until, with twenty minutes to go, a Boro free kick is cleared and we break down the left. Danny Rose centres a ball for Bielik who slips in Chong to squeeze a strike under Steffen for a deserved equaliser. We try to grab a winner that represents a fair reflection of the game but we can’t find one and the match peters out to finish 1-1. A special mention must go out to Roberts for how well he performed, he won almost everything in the air and has given me a surprising selection headache.

* * * * * * * *​

The games keep coming thick and fast, meaning a number of players are given time off from training to recover for our match on Saturday, at home to mid-table Bristol City. Off the back of four consecutive draws, we’re in danger of our six game unbeaten run becoming a five game winless run if we lose today. The “surprising selection headache” resolved itself in the form of Trusty getting himself suspended for receiving his fifth yellow card of the season against Middlesbrough, so Sanderson comes back in for him - this results in the lesser spotted Harlee Dean skulking his way onto the bench. Elsewhere, Hannibal returns for the underwhelming Leko out wide.

A quarter of an hour in, ex-Aston Villa man Andreas Weimann ploughs into the back of Rose with two feet so that he can have the bath all to himself as he gets given a straight red card. Our boys in blue smell blood and set out to embarrass the inferior BCFC, with Chong, Hyndman, Deeney, Hannibal, and then Sanderson all having attempts saved before Bielik decides he’s had enough and drills a shot from the edge of the box straight into the bottom corner just before half-time, sending the lads in with their tails up and they never look back in the second period.

Hannibal has a couple of great chances, one directly resulting in the substitution of Han-Noah Massengo after he makes him look like a toddler chasing after their balloon as it floats away, before Chong takes control of a ball down the line and squares for Deeney to spank home from the six yard box for 2-0. Troy then drives into the box six minutes later and volleys past the despairing Stefan Bajić after Kal Naismith can only flick the ball up favourably when trying to tackle our captain, and there’s even a first appearance under me for Dean as he comes on for the last ten minutes. A thoroughly comprehensive performance, backed up by the expected goals statistics - Birmingham City 4.00, Bristol City 0.16.

* * * * * * * *​

Another five games down and it’s been a slight dip in form, but we’re now seven games without loss and still sit in the play-off places after 13 matches. I’m slightly concerned by our newfound defensive wobbliness, but we’re still scoring goals and Roberts has slotted into our backline well after having to bide his time over the first few weeks of the season.

The big question though: what on Earth is in that box?

* * * * * * * *​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Five​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! Our form has dipped slightly, will it pick back up? The teams at the top would like to have a word with me about that...

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Hull game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

​

“I’m just concerned is all, we haven’t won a game against a team playing with eleven men since we ripped Preston apart.”

I’m lying in bed with my fiancée, Beth, contemplating whether this downturn in form of four draws from our last six games is just a blip or if it’s a sign of us losing steam after a good start to the season.

“Mmm,” Beth hums as she draws on her tablet.

“It’s not like we’re playing badly,” I continue. “Other than the Sheffield United game, we’ve actually done quite well.”

“Mmm,” repeats Beth.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting? What do you think?” I ask.

“I think you should ask someone more qualified than me,” says Beth, not looking up from her work.

“I guess, you’re just such a good listener,” I smile.

This time, Beth does put down her tablet.

“I’ve literally sat here making noncommittal noises every time you’ve gone quiet for more than three seconds for the last hour and a half, I really don’t see how I’ve been helping matters.”

Oops.

“Sorry Honey, I just needed to try and work it out aloud…” I murmur.

”That’s fine, but if I hear you whinging about Coventry again then I may jump out of the window,” says Beth.

“I just don’t understand how we didn’t beat them!” I retort, still hurting from that match three weeks ago.

“And that’s fine,” Beth replies. “But I’ve heard you say “I just don’t understand how we didn’t beat them” at least six times tonight, and it’s wearing a little thin. Just focus on Tuesday, it’ll do you no good to mope about dropped points.”

“You’re right,” I admit. “I should get some sleep so I can work on our plan tomorrow.”

“Exactly,” sighs Beth. “Good night.”

“Sleep well,” I say, rolling onto my side. I really need to find a better way of working out my concerns, that was less than helpful.

* * * * * * * *​

We go into our rearranged game against cowards Rotherham United on a seven game unbeaten run, whilst The Millers are propping up the table, so we take a chance to rest some players en masse for the first time this season. Marc Roberts is the only member of our back four from our last outing to start, whilst Jordan James and Troy Deeney are all that remain further forward. Hopefully, we’ll come through with the three points and a lovely fresh squad for our visit to surprise promotion-contenders Hull on Sunday.

​

Four minutes gone and Deeney has already volleyed us in front following a Mathías Suárez cross - we get the impression that this could be a walk in the park. When Jonathan Leko speeds into the box and chips over Josh Vickers, time seems to move in slow motion until the ball bounces off the base of the post and former Bluenose Wes Harding clears. It’s such a comprehensively one-sided first half that I have to take note of the match statistics so far.

​

So, of course, Roberts misjudges a long ball for the first time since coming into the lineup three games ago and Chiedozie Ogbene volleys in from 12 yards with Rotherham’s first shot of the entire game just before the hour mark. Heck.

We continue our barrage and finally break the red resistance with ten minutes to go as Deeney sends a delightful ball through to Przemysław Płacheta to smash in from ten yards, yet our recent habit of drawing games we should win rears its head again as Conor Washington ghosts in front of substitute George Friend to equalise five minutes later. I make sure the players know how angry I am post-match. Wholesale rotation is off the table for a while.

* * * * * * * *​

We head up to league-leaders Hull refreshed and with a point to prove. The Tigers may have gone ten games without losing, but there’s a feeling around the league that their form is unsustainable - though many have that same feeling about us. We revert to the eleven that beat Bristol City last weekend, looking to recover after our slip up at the New York Stadium.

I hope there’s no issues with the goalposts.

It’s a very cagey first half with Hull edging it slightly, though neither team create good enough chances to deserve the lead, yet it takes Danny Rose all of seven second-half minutes to send a splitting ball through the Hull defence for Hannibal Mejbri, who in turn latches onto it and squeezes in at the near post.

Hull squander their best chance to force their way back into the match when Óscar Estupiñán slashes his volley off target after a ball over our defence, so we make them pay as the clock runs down. We fire a Hull goal kick back down field and Scott Hogan latches onto the loose ball on the right, playing a pass in behind Brandon Fleming for Tahith Chong to drill under Nathan Baxter to wrap up the three points and put the exclamation mark on a fantastic display.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We follow up our match against former leaders Hull by welcoming new leaders Burnley to St. Andrew’s as the games keep coming thick and fast. Our only change sees Juninho Bacuna come in for Emerson Hyndman who picked up a bruised shin and is only fit enough for the bench, though we also drop our line slightly as I’m finally accepting that we need to accommodate slightly for Roberts’ lack of pace.

​

Burnley start the better of the two teams with Scott Twine forcing a good save from John Ruddy low down midway through the first period, but we start to grow into the game almost immediately after. Deeney sends a delightful through ball to Hannibal whose shot across goal just clips the outside of the post on its way past before, with the half-time whistle approaching, Roberts rises highest at a Chong corner to nut home at the front post for his first of the season and give us a surprising advantage at the interval.

I tell the boys not to get complacent at the break which seems to have the exact opposite effect four minutes later. Josh Brownhill whips in a free kick from the right which Jordan Beyer volleys in with authority to restore parity, yet we don’t let our heads drop. We keep attacking and are rewarded as we have our own free kick from the right and Arijanet Muric has to pull off a stunning save to keep out Krystian Bielik’s header - fortunately for us, the ball drops right at the feet of Hannibal to prod in from roughly three inches to put us back ahead.

Muric continues to be a pain in the backside as he tips a thunderous Roberts header onto the post and we accept that we’re unlikely to beat him again with the form he’s in, so I instruct the team to attempt to slow down and see out the game with about five minutes to go.

We slow down so much in fact that Gary Gardner decides to stand still for a bit and let Twine tackle him five yards outside our area, run straight through the left-hand side of our defence, and place his shot into the far corner for an equaliser that, frankly, is totally undeserved. I put my head in my hands and hope to hear a roar from three sides of the ground to signify that we’ve taken the lead again, but that simply never comes.

We’ve drawn. Again. That’s half of our games now. At least we’ve gone ten games unbeaten, just ignore that six of those were draws.

* * * * * * * *
​

It’s time to complete our hat-trick of games against teams top of the table as we travel to Burnley’s neighbours, Blackburn. It’s been three years to the day since we last beat Rovers in the league and have lost on our last two trips to Ewood Park by a combined score of 9-2. Nothing to worry about then. Hyndman comes back in for Bacuna while Auston Trusty takes Dion Sanderson’s place in the lineup as we hope that one of them will have another good game sometime before they go back to their parent clubs.

​

You have to stand up and applaud when you see a goal of the highest quality… unless you’re managing the club that conceded. That’s how you get abused. A long ball gets floated over our defence and Ben Brereton Díaz meets it on the volley with extreme prejudice, leaving Ruddy rooted to the spot as the shot flies past his head and into the top corner. We seem shell shocked at what we just witnessed and barely create anything for the remainder of the half.

We start the second period in much the same way as we ended the first, with Trusty having to clear a Brereton Díaz shot off the line, but this time we bounce back. Chong plays a ball with pinpoint accuracy through the Blackburn defence for Hannibal who sends his shot back across goal and into the corner to level the match.

Both teams start laying siege to one another’s goals in end-to-end fashion. Hogan taps in after following up on a free kick, only to be called offside, Bradley Dack sees his shot from eight yards blocked tremendously by Roberts, and Hannibal has a shot saved splendidly by Thomas Kaminski as the game ends even after a breathless final ten minutes.

Another draw, but another decent result against a good team.

* * * * * * * *
​

It’s a relief that we finally get a midweek off so we can recover from the relentless run of games ahead of our match at home to Queens Park Rangers on Saturday. Clearly, however, not everybody gets the message that we’re meant to be going a little easier this week - Leko ruptures his anterior cruciate ligament and will miss the rest of the season, likely not playing for us again before his contract expires in June.

​

We’re finally facing a team who aren’t top of the league (though QPR are top of the bottom half), so we’re hoping to get back to winning ways here. Sanderson for Trusty is our only change.

​

When Luke Amos lofts a ball from the left to the back post and the unmarked Ethan Laird pokes in from no more than two yards three minutes in, you begin to wonder what happened to the team that seemed so impregnable a month ago. Then, after a fantastic defence-splitting ball from James, Hannibal smacks his shot into a satellite when he only had Seny Dieng to beat. We finish the first 45 having been much the better team, and that’s what I tell them rather than being my usual, grumpy self.

And that seems to be all they needed to hear.

Five minutes in and James has played another great ball through the middle, this time for Chong who makes amends on Hannibal’s behalf and tucks home to bring us even. Everything’s falling into place, all the bad luck in front of goal has at last been swapped for good, and we suddenly look like a team that’s got its mojo back. Bacuna sets Chong free behind Kenneth Paal to run through on goal and finish to put the scoreline in our favour, Tahith then turns provider as he rolls a ball across the edge of the box for Hyndman to rifle into the bottom corner, and the roles are then reversed as Emerson bends in a free kick from the left that Chong meets at the back post to complete his hat-trick. QPR are stunned, as am I.

Emphatic.

* * * * * * * *​

So we go into the home stretch for the first part of the season unbeaten in 12 and having taken five points from three clubs that were all top of the league when we played them. We seem to have finally learned how to finish chances, which had been becoming a bit of a concern, and we have three games coming up against teams in the middle of the pack before we break for the World Cup, so we can only hope that we’ll improve on our current positioning of fifth - should we avoid any slip ups. Am I being too optimistic? Am I forgetting something ominous on the horizon? Is there something that could cause a critical dip in morale just before we send everyone away to reflect for a month?

Oh yes, Manchester UFC in the Carabao Cup.

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Six
​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! It's the home stretch before we break for the World Cup - will we end on a high?

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Stoke game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three

There’s a chill in the air and the nights are drawing in, with floodlights being lit at weekends for the first time this season - it must be November.

November arriving means we’re on the home straight before we have a month off from matches as we break for the not-at-all-controversial World Cup being held… you know, I can’t seem to remember where for some reason. Must have been quite a low key build-up.

I’m wrapped up with blankets in my office at Wast Hills, as the board has decided to save some money by not having the heating on for anybody who isn’t a player. I’m pouring all my attention into my laptop as my personal assistant, Harry, enters the room without knocking. I hurriedly slam the computer closed and try not to look suspicious.

“Coffee for you, Nicole,” says Harry, placing a steaming mug down on my desk before turning his gaze to me and looking like a parent who’s just watched their child drop something suspicious into the soup pot. “What’re you doing?”

I spend far too long staring back at him before mustering: “Working on tactics…”

“Is that so?” Harry raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying what I’m trying to sell.

“...Yes…”

“Don’t you write all your tactical plans on paper?”

Well done me, what a terrifically thick thing to say.

“I-I was thinking it’d be better to not waste so much, y’know? Better for the environment and all…” I stammer.

“Interesting,” says Harry. He snatches my laptop from the table before I can react and opens it. “Did you ever change your password?”

No.

“Yes,” I lie, as if Harry hasn’t already started typing in ‘Trev8’.

“What on Earth?” Harry looks flabbergasted and turns the screen back to me. “Are you playing Football Manager?!”

“It’s for scouting and tactical purposes, nothing more!” I shout, perhaps louder than I should have.

“So that’s why you’re PSG manager and are trying to sign Jude Bellingham?” Harry counters

I’ve definitely been rumbled.

“I’m just planning for when we’re Champions League regulars,” I answer, still lying.

“You know what? If this is what you want to spend your time doing when you’re the real life Birmingham manager then fine. As long as you get a good result Wednesday then I won’t tell anybody,” and with that, Harry storms out, shutting the door rather firmly behind him as I flush red.

Not my finest hour.

* * * * * * * *
​

Wednesday has rolled around and it’s time to face ninth-placed Millwall at St. Andrew’s. The Lions only won two of their first 12 games, but have subsequently gone six games unbeaten, winning five in the process as former Blues player and boss Gary Rowett looks to get them pushing in the direction of the play-offs again this term.

We continue to play the hokey cokey with our centre-backs as Auston Trusty is in while Dion Sanderson is out. Hannibal Mejbri and Krystian Bielik could both do with a rest, so Jordan Graham is brought in from the cold and Jobe Bellingham makes his full league debut at the base of our midfield after showing signs of developing at an astonishing rate over the last few months.

​

I spend the majority of the first hour wondering what it must be like to really be PSG manager as I watch one of the most drab games of football I’ve ever seen, until Tahith Chong is set free down the right. He bursts past two men and cuts back on himself when he gets to the byline, spotting Troy Deeney on the edge of the area having held his run as the entire Millwall defence sprint back towards their goal. The pull-back is perfect for our captain and Deeney picks his spot beautifully, stroking home unerringly through a thicket of yellow.

Chong is at the centre of everything as he whips in a corner for Marc Roberts to head home at the front post for 2-0, before then sending a free kick straight into the wall a few minutes later, allowing Tom Bradshaw to counter. He breaks the length of the field and plays a clever one-two with Jamie Shackleton, freeing up the space to curl into the far corner to pull one back for the Londoners. Are we about to crumble again? I’ve gotten worryingly used to drawing from winning positions and I simply can’t sit comfortably.

Helpfully then, with only seconds left on the clock, Graham plays a square ball into the box for Jobe who, having been let off the leash with the late arrival of Bielik, thwacks a shot with his left foot into the top corner to cause complete delirium. The restart is delayed as the pitch needs to be cleared of supporters, but nobody cares.

We’ve won, and we’ve only gone and seen another Bellingham mark his arrival in men’s football at St. Andrew’s.

I’ve also managed to avoid Harry sharing my dirty secret, which is the biggest victory here.

* * * * * * * *
​

We move on to Saturday with a newfound belief that we can see out games once again, as we travel across the Midlands to play Stoke. Hannibal, Bielik, and Sanderson all return for their replacements midweek, though Bellingham keeps his place in the squad at the expense of Gary Gardner. The Potters have been disappointing this season and find themselves in fifteenth, so we’re looking to pile on the misery in front of a live television audience.

​

I’ve not even taken my seat in the dugout before Emerson Hyndman runs onto a loose pass from Lewis Baker, sprints through the Stoke backline, and slides a shot between Joe Buršík’s legs to give us the lead after 12 seconds. It takes mere minutes to notice that most of the Stoke team look leggy already, so I tell the boys to be more aggressive in the press. This leads to Hannibal nicking the ball off the toe of Harry Souttar and doubling our lead inside the opening ten minutes, though Stoke keep the goals flowing as Morgan Fox heads home from a free kick five minutes later. We are irrepressible though and restore our two goal advantage from a Deeney penalty shortly before the half hour mark, with Roberts flicking a header across goal to make the scoreline look insurmountable as we go into the break 4-1 leaders.

We spend the second half trying to conserve our energy ahead of our big game in midweek, still creating chances but not being quite so clinical. We barely flinch as Edwin Andersson heads in from close range with the clock ticking down on added time, pleased to have come through the 90 minutes with the victory and, just as importantly, no injuries.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

When I said before that I wasn’t going to prioritise the cups this season, I wasn’t lying. That said, we’re hosting Manchester UFC and I don’t want my reserves to be so upset that all of them relocate to the Ibis hotel down the hill and start a new career in the hospitality industry, so we’ll be going with the strongest lineup we can, the only change from the weekend being Graham coming in for Hannibal who is ineligible to play against his parent club.

We go with our usual tactic as there’s simply no point lying down and waiting to be sat on by a club of their stature, but we’re going to need nothing short of a miracle to get through this tie.

​

“Why is Dion still up from the free kick? He should be getting back!” I shout at anyone who will listen. “Now he’s passed it straight to Victor Lindelöf!” I spin away in disgust. We couldn’t last five minutes without doing things that made my blood boil, could we?

That’s when I hear it.

The sound of 23,000 plastic seats hitting their backs as they fly up in time with their occupants.

Then, 23,000 screams of surprise.

Then, 23,000 people roaring with joy.

I whirl back around to see Deeney sprinting into the corner, thumping the badge on his chest. The stadium announcer declares a goal for Birmingham City. I can scarcely believe what’s happening. I turn the other way to watch a replay on the big screen. Lindelöf had controlled Sanderson’s misplaced pass and decided to turn to play the ball towards his left, not realising that Troy was lurking behind him. He nabs the ball from the unfortunate defender and thumps into the net from seven yards out and MY GOODNESS, WE ARE LEADING AGAINST MANCHESTER UFC.

I must be hallucinating, this can’t be happening - can it? We’re running the show, we’re not giving The Red Devils time to think, we’re sending in a corner on the 20 minute mark that Roberts is heading in to make it 2-0, we’re making more and more chan-

Hang about, it’s 2-0. Two, nil. TWO. NIL. TO. BIR. MING. HAM. CI. TY.

Honestly, I think I’m about to pass out. I have another heart attack when Harry Maguire powers a header off of the bar from a corner just before half-time and the ball drops for Anthony Martial at the back post. It seems inevitable that we’ll concede, but John Ruddy hurls himself across his line and makes a stop that Gordon Banks would be envious of to maintain his clean sheet as the whistle goes.

UFC’s failure to score from that set piece seems to have deflated them, and they just do not seem up for it when the teams return. The second period is without note as we manage the most unlikely of victories against the 20-time Champions of England.

I need a sit down.

* * * * * * * *
​

Somehow, we’ve now got to recover from BEATING MANCHESTER UFC by Saturday as we round up the pre-World Cup portion of our season with the visit of mid-table Sunderland, hoping to sign off with another victory to make it five in a row and send Bielik and Hannibal to the tournament in positive spirits. Prior to the match, we agree to sell George Friend to Ipswich come January; he’s not getting much game time, so we could do with getting his wages off the books. We also discover our next opponents in the EFL Cup to be Rotherham, which feels like a delightful banana skin after the upset we’ve just caused.

​

Hannibal regains his place on the left in spite of Graham’s decent performance Wednesday, whilst Bielik and Hyndman both drop out for fitness reasons with Bellingham and Bacuna taking their spots.

​

I don’t know what I’ll do when Marc Roberts stops scoring headers from set pieces. Probably quit. Unless it’s because he’s been replaced, but we’ll cross that bridge should we come to it. He uses his immense neck muscles to loop a Chong free kick over Federico Marchetti and into the far corner for yet another quick start. It doesn’t take long before we’re in again, only this time Chong figures that he hasn’t shown enough love to the upper tier and sends his shot their way when one-on-one with Marchetti. We aren’t overly dominant however and head into the dressing rooms fairly evenly matched, perhaps fortunate to still be ahead.

We don’t leave anything down to luck in the second half however.

We are totally in control, overwhelming The Black Cats from the off. Sanderson launches Marchetti’s goal kick straight back his way for Hannibal to latch on to and blast in at the near post, and we win ourselves a penalty when Gaëtan Bong shoves Deeney in the area at a free kick. Troy drills the resulting spot kick bottom left to rubber stamp the victory and send our fans home happy.

What a run we’re on.

* * * * * * * *
​

We conclude the first section of the season in third place, only two points behind Burnley and Blackburn above us, 16 games unbeaten, five won in a row, with the best goal difference in the league, and still in the Carabao Cup at the last-16 stage having, in case you missed it, BEATEN MANCHESTER UFC. That won’t get old.

I think it’s time to officially accept the truth, regardless of how much I’ve been trying to ignore it.

Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody in-between or outside, Birmingham City…

Are in the promotion race.

* * * * * * * *​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Seven
​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! Club football is back after the World Cup - can we keep up our momentum?

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Reading game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

​

It’s been four weeks, but this weekend Birmingham will return to league action having been left inactive during the World Cup group stage, and we’re going to want to pick up where we left off.

I’m stood observing the players going through their last training session ahead of the restart with my assistant managers, Keith Downing and Matthew Gardiner, wearing several layers of thermals as the temperature has started to drop dramatically in the last few days.

“Have you been enjoying the World Cup, Nicole?” asks Keith.

“Not been watching,” I reply, curtly.

“Really? Didn’t you want to see how Krystian and Hannibal were getting on?” probes Keith.

“That’s what we’ve got scouts and analysts for,” I sternly retort. “As a woman engaged to another woman, I think you can forgive my lack of interest in volunteering any of my time or attention to Qatar. Besides, the new Pokémon games came out the weekend after we wrapped up, I’d much rather spend time on that.”

“Are you being serious?” pipes up Matthew, known for only interjecting sporadically. “You would rather spend time playing a children’s game than working on tactical ideas or scouting any potential recruits?”

“Of course I’m joking,” I snap back, deciding it’s best not to talk about my Skeledirge after that reaction. “Frankly, we’re in great form, so we’re going to carry on doing what’s worked for us - no need to tinker. After all, we did beat Manchester UFC with our current blueprint and haven’t lost since the end of August. Also, the owners had to stick another £12 million in the bank so we don’t fail any Financial Fair Play rules, so we’re unlikely to be able to upgrade much in January even if we wanted to.”

“Fair enough, boss - if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it after all. You must have watched the FA Cup draw at least?” queries Keith.

“I did. I’m fairly pleased in truth, we could have had a number of tougher draws than MK Dons at home - especially when you consider the ball before ours was Man City away.”

​

“Very true, poor Derby. Anyway, shall I call the lads in? We’re going to need to get on the coach soon,” suggests Keith.

“Yes, please. Got your buckets and spades ready, you two?” I snigger.

“Sod off, gaffer,” grunts Matthew.

Charming.

* * * * * * * *
​

We resume our season with a trip to Blackpool, who went into the break tenth in the table. It’s been a while but we’re picking almost the same eleven who beat Sunderland in our last outing, the only change being Krystian Bielik coming in for Jobe Bellingham at the base of midfield, whilst young Adan George will fill Scott Hogan’s place on the bench after he managed to tear his ankle ligaments in training a few days ago.

​

It’s funny how we can spend a month not playing any matches, yet Marc Roberts’ obsession with smashing in headers hasn’t waned at all in that time. He puts us 1-0 up around 20 minutes in and we continue to be the controlling force in the game, scoring our second ten minutes before the break. Troy Deeney lifts a ball over the Blackpool defence and Daniel Grimshaw does well to get out of the way as Hannibal Mejbri thumps a shot at roughly Mach 4 into the roof of the net.

Whilst we are in charge, we aren’t playing at the levels I had gotten used to, though how much of that is down to Blackpool breaking up play frequently is up for debate. We remain the dominant team after the interval, only giving The Tangerines one decent chance with five minutes to go as John Ruddy saves well after Ian Poveda cuts in from the left.

We’re back, and it looks like we weren’t ever away. But just look at all those bookings against our hosts.

* * * * * * * *
​

We follow our triumphant return with the visit of Reading to St. Andrew’s. The Royals are struggling this season, though 19th actually feels like quite the achievement for them considering the struggles they’ve had financially recently. We rotate Juninho Bacuna out for Emerson Hyndman in the centre as the sole change, though we’re also giving another youngster a chance to impress from the bench as Finley Thorndike will take Jordan Graham’s place.

​

Tahith Chong is a set piece king, and he proves as much midway through the first period as he curls a free kick into the top corner from 25 yards in what is, honestly, the only moment of real quality in the first half.

Though my call for quality was not answered by who I’d have hoped.

Ten minutes or so have passed of the second half when a Tom Ince cross is headed out of the box and met on the volley by Tyrese Fornah, his shot whistling past the ear of Roberts and the helpless Ruddy, nestling in the postage stamp to grab The Royals an equaliser. We have to press forwards, but it starts to look unlikely that we’ll break the stubborn rearguard of Reading again.

That’s when Auston Trusty plays a ball over the head of Kelvin Abrefa down the left.

“Run, Fin! Get there, you can do it!” I scream to Thorndike as he chases the bouncing ball, heading for the byline.

“He can’t possibly, can he?” Keith asks.

“I’m sure he can. GO ON, FIN!” I yell.

Thorndike stretches every fibre of his being to fling his foot at the ball and provide an unexpectedly good cross that the talismanic Deeney meets with a thunderous header to restore our advantage. I instruct the players to pull back and try to squeeze the life out of the rest of the remaining time, but they have other ideas. Przemysław Płacheta has a shot blocked tremendously by Baba Rahman before, with almost no time left, Liam Moore shoves Bacuna at a free kick to gift us an unnecessary penalty that Deeney converts to seal the victory.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We’re back in Carabao Cup action against Rotherham following our dramatic victory, and I’m facing my biggest dilemma since taking charge in the summer. Now we’ve reached the last-16, I’d quite like to take this competition more seriously and I’m still slightly traumatised by what happened last time I made several changes against the bottom of the league Millers, so am reluctant to do so. That said, we’ve got a huge clash against second-placed Burnley on Boxing Day, followed by another massive game against Hull who are currently fifth.

With those games in mind, I make the call to rest my players ahead of those league games and hope that my backup brigade can do the job in their stead.

I’m hoping this doesn’t backfire.

​

How do I put this delicately? It didn’t backfire, Rotherham were awful, we were unstoppable.

Bacuna played George through the middle five minutes in as he scored his first senior goal for Blues, Manny Longelo found a gap between Josh Vickers and the post from a seemingly impossible angle on the left to make it 2-0, Bacuna leathered in from the edge of the box from a Thorndike cross before repeating the trick but from further out from a Bellingham lay-off, then completed his hat-trick from the spot after Trusty was tripped by Michael Ndiweni with two minutes remaining.

A rather conclusive 5-0 by the changed squad, giving me a nice selection headache for once.

* * * * * * * *
​

We’re drawn at home to Everton for our quarter-final as a reward for beating Rotherham, and for some reason I have a genuine belief that we could beat them with the form we’re in.

​

We can’t let that distract us though - our game against Burnley is first and it’s a crucial one. Each of us have only lost one league match this season, but we’d leapfrog The Clarets into the automatic promotion places if we win and that should be all the motivation the boys need. We revert to the lineup that bested Reading, except Bacuna keeps his place at the expense of Hyndman after putting in such a marvellous performance during the week.

​

If you were expecting a cagey affair between two of the teams at the top, think again.

Josh Brownhill whips a free kick from the left for Halil Dervişoğlu to head home before the ten minute mark, but Danny Rose slips in Hannibal to shoot across goal for a leveller not even five minutes later. The game calms down slightly until we work a ball well down our right-hand side, Maxime Colin finding the underlapping Chong who pulls his cross back for Deeney to put home from eight yards and give us a lead to hold on to as we head in for half-time.

We continue to test Arijanet Muric in the Burnley goal as he saves one-on-one after one-on-one following the restart, then spectacularly tips a Roberts header from a corner onto the bar. Unfortunately for him, Bielik is lurking at the back post to tap in unmarked to make it 3-1 and we seem to be cruising, however Trusty turning a Nathan Tella cross into his own net after some excellent defensive work from Mathías Suárez makes it a nervy last couple of minutes of injury time. We see it out though, and it shouldn’t be understated how big a win this is.

We were utterly dominant against one of the big boys and have moved up to second in the league.

Bonkers.

* * * * * * * *
​

Defeating Burnley has boosted our confidence to unprecedented levels, so we host Hull with the firm belief that we’ll beat one of the teams currently occupying a play-off place and it feels good. We don’t make any changes from last time out because how could we? We also take the opportunity to trigger options in the contracts of both Deeney and George, keeping them here for next season at least.

​

A quarter of an hour gone, Rose gently rolls a ball across the edge of the box that Bielik fancies ploughing straight through The Tigers’ defence on its way to the bottom corner as we take control. Chong provides an encore from the Reading game as he scores an almost identical free kick, then Lewie Coyle figures there’s no hope of recovering and he doesn’t want to be a part of this as he needlessly trips Hannibal for his second booking before the half’s out.

Hull are nowhere to be found after the interval, the only surprise being that it took until the 78th minute to breach them again. Bacuna sets Chong free over the top and he turns on the afterburners, pulling a ball back for Jordan James to score from nine yards via a deflection, and Płacheta completes the rout by sliding a shot under Nathan Baxter and in off the post.

4-0 against a team as good as Hull is extremely satisfying, especially when it also means we’ve broken the club’s record for longest unbeaten run at 21.

We really do look undefeatable.

* * * * * * * *
​

So, we finish 2022 having not lost for 21 games in all competitions and having won our last 10 of those to boot. We’ve looked good against other teams at the top and have FINALLY settled on a centre-back pairing that seems to be capable of performing consistently.

Oh, and there’s one other thing to note - Blackburn drew with Middlesbrough in their last game. Why’s that important?

Because it means we enter 2023 as the team top of the Championship.

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! There won't be an update next weekend as I will be spending time with my family over Christmas, but I shall be back in the new year. Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Eight​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! It's a new year, but I hope it's not a new squad - I quite like this one now...

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the MK Dons game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

​

“Happy New Year, Everybody!”

It’s New Year’s Day 2023 and it’s my first chance to catch up with players and staff as I arrive at St. Andrew’s for the visit of Middlesbrough.

“What did you all get up to?” I ask as I hang up my coat.

“I had a celebration with my friends and family after I was named African Young Player of the Year,” says Hannibal Mejbri with a grin.

​

“I couldn’t sleep, too excited about joining up with the guys for match day,” shares new signing Lucas Rodríguez.

​

“I spent an hour on the phone with George Friend, I’m not sure he was too thrilled about leaving…” grumbles Troy Deeney, sounding like he’d much prefer to have been spending time with his children.

​

“What about you, gaffer?”

“I played some board games with Beth and had a quiet one, I’m not much of a party person and I didn’t want to be feeling fragile for today,” I admit.

It’s at that point that Harry stumbles through the door, looking like he had as much sleep as a new parent. His hair looks hurriedly brushed, there’s toothpaste on his chin, and there’s what I hope is a ketchup stain on his shoes.

“Mornin’ boss, sorry I’m late,” he mumbles as he shuffles towards his locker. I consider asking him about the mysterious wooden box in my office given I’ve now been here more than half a year, but it appears that it’s taking a great deal of effort to lift his key to the lock so I decide against it.

“You alright, Harry? Rough night?” I ask without any attempt to hide my amusement. A smattering of stifled laughter comes from around the room. Harry’s shoulders slump as he lets out a big sigh.

“I may have had a little too much to drink and, apparently, spent the night sending WhatsApp messages to my ex who works at Coventry making fun of how poorly they’re doing this season, ordering six air fryers on Amazon, before waking up at someone else’s house about three quarters of an hour ago.”

Nobody says anything until John Ruddy stands up and walks over to Harry, patting him on the back gently.

“Don’t worry, mate, we’ve all been there before. It’ll get better,” says John with his audiobook-quality voice. He then goes back to getting his kit on as Harry seems to relax a little and he cracks a small smile.

“Anyway, gang, let’s focus up and get ready,” I say, drawing attention back to today. “Middlesbrough are ninth and drew with Blackburn last time out to let us go top, so they’re not to be taken lightly.”

The lads nod and seem to sharpen their concentration. There’s no changes from our match against Hull last time out, so we’re hoping for the same sort of performance.

​

Clearly, Harry wasn’t the only one to have a messy New Year’s Eve as the first half is reminiscent of the days after Christmas where nobody really knows what’s going on but are full of cheese.

Luckily, asking whether putting some effort in is too much to ask for people on their obscene wages is enough to get a reaction after the break. Hannibal is put in behind the Boro defence and squares a ball across the box for Tahith Chong. He controls the ball and waits for Zack Steffen to commit before firing the ball through his legs for a deserved lead with our first goal of 2023. The collective lack of caring is restored shortly after and we meander to the final whistle, relieved that we didn’t have to work very hard for the three points.

* * * * * * * *
​

Ah, the FA Cup. The oldest domestic cup competition on the planet. What a stirring amount of history, including Birmingham City losing in the 1956 final to a team whose goalkeeper had a broken neck. So, shall we treat this trophy with the respect it appears to demand by fielding our strongest possible lineup?

No. The selling out in exchange for a bloated weekend of non-stop rescheduled football matches, followed closely by changing its name in exchange for money from an airline took that respect away first. It’ll be ten changes as mid-table in League One MK Dons come to town, including an experiment with Gary Gardner playing at centre-back because I don’t want Harlee Dean injured whilst I’m trying to convince Grimsby to take him.

​

Daniel Harvie plays a ball into the box from the left, Darragh Burns shoots into the far corner, and commentators everywhere have to apologise to lip readers as cameras cut to me just as I clearly shout something not family friendly. A positive though - it’s only three minutes in and there’s plenty of time to change this.

And on the quarter-hour mark, we do. Przemysław Płacheta is tripped by Harvie as he drives into the box and we win a penalty, with Harvie receiving his second booking and a red card for the privilege. Jobe Bellingham strokes into the bottom right and we take a hold of the game.

It’s not long before George Hall sets Płacheta free again and he lashes a shot over the onrushing goalkeeper to give us the advantage, and Bellingham then doubles our lead after he converts another penalty that he won himself this time.

We seem to be cruising out of sight until Mo Eisa has the nerve to lob Ruddy from 25 yards and the boys want to go for the kill again. The dangerous Płacheta is set through again and this time he rounds the ‘keeper before putting home, then mimics the finish to wrap up his hat-trick as the clock ticks down to bring a close to this breathless 5-2.

Magic of the cup.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We have both good news and bad news in the aftermath of our victory over The Dons; the good news is that we’ve finally found a willing taker for Dean as he packs his bags for Grimsby.

​

The bad news is that we’ve been drawn against Premier League Brentford in the fourth round of the FA Cup, which is a tougher match than I would have liked.

​

From one cup to the other as we host Everton in the Carabao Cup quarter-final. Having had a good rest, our starting eleven from the Middlesbrough game is restored and looking fresh. Everton didn’t seem to have the same foresight when they played League Two Harrogate in their FA Cup tie, so they start with the same players that started their match three days ago - they must be more tired than our lads.

​

It’s not even been a minute before Wolves-loanee Conor Coady heads The Toffees in front from a corner and I spend the rest of the uneventful first half sulking. We’re not at our normal standards and it’s beginning to look like it won’t be our day, even changing our system to a midfield diamond on the hour mark doesn’t seem to have any effect.

But resting our players against MK Dons has made a difference.

With Everton’s players looking like they might collapse in a strong breeze, Maxime Colin curls a ball around Vitalii Mykolenko for Juninho Bacuna to collect. He looks up and spots Chong unmarked at the back post, finding him with a great cross and Tahith taps in from the edge of the six yard box for a well earned equaliser. We now have our guests on the ropes, and any belief that they had left has been sucked away with our goal, so when Colin sends a hopeful punt through the middle it’s no surprise that it’s Chong who is first to react. He takes his time and picks out his spot to turn the game on its head in the space of two minutes and we play keep ball for all of added time, the ‘ole’s building as we, somehow, clinch victory from the jaws of defeat and advance to the semi-finals of the EFL Cup.

* * * * * * * *
​

In the continuation of our good and bad news combo, we have some good news as Jordan Graham is offloaded to Portsmouth for an extravagant £5,000 as we keep trimming the fat from our squad.

​

Bad news is that our potential semi-final opponents consist of Arsenal, Manchester City, and Tottenham. We get drawn against Arsenal for back-to-back Tuesday games at Wembley later this month in a repeat of 2011’s final, to which we say “at least it wasn’t Premier-League-leading Man City” and hope to not be embarrassed.

​

But enough of the cups, we return to league action against eleventh-placed Bristol City and are fired up after our late heroics against Everton. We pick the same team after giving them some time off as a reward for their last performance, aiming to keep the momentum going.

​

I love Tahith Chong.

In the eighth minute, he rounds Daniel Bentley to slot home for 1-0, then lifts a Colin through ball over the helpless Bentley to double the scoreline. We’re playing like the team at the top of the table and I’m delighted.

So when Ruddy decides to take a big step to his left just as a free kick from Cameron Pring is being smacked to his right, I can’t help but feel let down. The feeling doesn’t last though, as Bacuna runs the entire length of the field a couple of minutes later and tosses a ball into the middle for Jordan James to thunder home and restore our advantage. We go into the interval having been in near total control but having conceded from the only shot on target that we’ve faced.

The Robins improve slightly after the break but barely threaten outside of a Tommy Conway one-on-one that Ruddy saves well to redeem himself and, shortly after the hour mark, Marc Roberts ends his near post header hiatus to add our fourth to seal a very comfortable win to mark our fourteenth in a row and set a new club record in the process.

* * * * * * * *
​

Our 5-0 win over Preston was the first game in this streak of 25 unbeaten and they appear to have been a bit rubbish since, so nobody is surprised that they have a new manager at the helm in the form of Graham Alexander. We pick the same lineup again and hope to flatten The Lilywhites as if Ryan Lowe is still in charge.

​

The first half is short of quality from both sides, yet somehow we’re two goals to the good as we return to the dressing rooms.

After the ball broke to Hannibal and he smashed into the top corner after a poor attempt at a tackle from Riccardo Flamozzi, Deeney succeeded in missing an open goal from eight yards as he sliced his shot several yards over the crossbar. He made amends five minutes later though, as the energetic Hannibal slid a ball through the Preston backline and Troy made no mistake this time.

The second half is continuing in much the same vein as everyone involved seems to be waiting for five o’clock so they can go home and enjoy themselves or something equally ludicrous, until Emerson Hyndman lays a Chong free kick into the path of Deeney to prod past a flailing Freddie Woodman with seven minutes remaining. I’ll forgive the boys switching off at a corner in injury time to let Troy Parrott score, simply because it means several of them now won’t get clean sheet bonuses.

Not quite the same level of performance as the 5-0, but a win nonetheless.

* * * * * * * *
​

2023 has started in the same way as we finished 2022, beating all that stand before us. This run of 26 unbeaten doesn’t look likely to continue for much longer however, as we are about to head into a run of three consecutive cup matches against Premier League opposition - we can hope though.

We’re not being allowed to run away with the league as Burnley and Blackburn are doing their utmost to keep pace with us, but Rovers have just sold Ben Brereton Díaz to West Ham and I’m hoping that they crumble in his absence.

Will 2023 finally be our year? It’s too soon to say, but I remain optimistic.

I’m an idiot of course, but all we can do is have faith.

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Nine​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! We've reached the Carabao Cup semi-finals - can we really make it through to the final?

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the first Arsenal game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three

​

To say I’m nervous is an understatement.

Tomorrow is the first leg of our Carabao Cup semi-final against Arsenal and, as if the occasion wasn’t daunting enough already, it’s at Wembley for some reason. The Gunners aren’t pulling up any trees in the Premier League, being eighth, but that doesn’t stop me being terrified of them. More than half of their squad are current internationals for crying out loud, how are we supposed to compete with that?

It’s nearly 1am and there’s not a chance I’ll be able to sleep any time soon. I know someone else who’ll be having trouble settling down tonight at least, so I grab my phone and ring the only person whose Birmingham City opinions I truly care about.

“Hi, Nicole, shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“Hi, Dad, I could ask you the same question! I’m far too preoccupied to drift off but knew you would be too - fancy a chat?”

“Sure, why not? How have preparations been this week? Any tactical surprises up your sleeve?” asks my dad.

“At the moment, no. Going with what we know worked against Manchester UFC, so I’m hoping the same line of thinking will work here. Worst case scenario, we send John Ruddy up for corners at the back post and start sending balls his way whilst Dion Sanderson and Marc Roberts act as distractions at the front,” I laugh.

He seems less than impressed.

“Really? Seems…bold,” my dad says unconvincingly.

“It worked for me with Thibaut Courtois when I played as Real Madrid on Football Manager last year with my friend, he was second only to Kylian Mbappé in the league’s scoring charts in February.”

“You’re basing tactics for a cup semi-final on what you did in a video game?”

“I’m joking, of course!” I hurriedly reply, not joking at all. I try to move on quickly. “What did you think of Agustín Almendra being announced for this summer? He’s a well-rounded midfielder, hopefully he’ll grow into an important player for us over the next few years.”

​

“I don’t know much about the fringe players at Boca Juniors to be honest, so I’ll take your word for it,” my dad says.

“Neither do I, but Watford wanted him and he was cheap, so it seemed like a no-brainer.”

“Good enough for me. On a different note, are you free after the game tomorrow? Your mum is making paella and wants to know if she should make enough for three,” my dad queries.

“As long as she’s aware that we might both be deeply miserable, then that works for me,” I respond. My dad lets out a gentle chuckle.

“Good, I’ll let her know in the morning. Now, try to sleep. I know it’s hard, but you won’t be at your best tomorrow if you don’t get enough rest.”

“I know, I know,” I concede. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sleep well.”

“And you,” says my dad, stifling a yawn.

“Oh, and Dad?”

“Yes, Nicole?”

I hesitate for a second and sigh.

“Do you really think we’ve got any chance tomorrow?”

“No,” my dad states, bluntly. “But then again, I thought we were going to get relegated this season. I thought we’d get knocked out of this competition by Stevenage. I was SURE we would get torn to pieces by UFC. It doesn’t matter whether I think we’ve got a chance of winning, I haven’t expected us to win for years. What matters is that you and the players always seem to believe you can.”

The vote of confidence puts a smile on my face. I’ll skip over the conditioned pessimism - it lives in all Blues fans. We conclude our call and I roll onto my side, finally able to relax.

All we can do tonight is dream.

* * * * * * * *
​

So, to Wembley. The arch, the towering stands with their three tiers, the enormous green pitch that looks like it’s had the saturation turned up as high as possible - everything about it seems so perfect and pristine. St. Andrew’s, for comparison, has turnstiles to the Gil Merrick Stand’s upper tier that were installed in 1995 and don’t appear to have been greased since, almost as if they’ve been trying to stop supporters experiencing the pain and suffering of the last decade.

We name an unchanged lineup to the one that beat Preston in our last outing, though Auston Trusty misses out on the tie as he’s on loan from our opponents. Whatever happens today, I would hope to at least be in with a chance of progressing when we’re back here next week.

​

I spend the first half sinking lower and lower into my seat until the television cameras can only show shots of me that consist of my knees, shins, and feet.

Martin Ødegaard hits a free kick just outside of the post, Gabriel Martinelli fizzes a shot from range just over the bar, then Bukayo Saka intercepts a sloppy pass from Sanderson to Danny Rose. He gets to the byline and pulls a square ball back to Martinelli who, with all the time in the world, pings his shot directly into the middle tier behind our goal. It seems inevitable that we’re going to concede.

Therefore, Roberts scoring a header from a free kick with our first attempt on target caught everybody off guard. We’ve gone 1-0 up at Wembley. Against the run of play. Against Arsenal. This can’t be right. Who let this happen? What are we supposed to do now? I don’t know, I wasn’t prepared to be winning at any point. All I can say is that it’s important to not panic and do something stupid like tripping people in our area when they’re about to run the ball out of play.

As we head into injury time, Jordan James trips Takehiro Tomiyasu in the box as he knocks the ball so far ahead of him that there’s no chance he’s getting it before it goes out for a goal kick, gifting Arsenal a penalty. Saka converts and we head into the break level.

The Gunners head out for the second half with the kind of rabid intensity that greets retail workers on Black Friday. Gabriel Jesus hits the woodwork before we have Ruddy and Rose to thank for both blocking shots from six yards at back-to-back corners, and William Saliba does his bit too when he heads over whilst completely unmarked at another. How much longer can we last? We can’t handle this kind of pressure for much longer and neither can my nerves. Right at the end of injury time, the ball gets cleared from yet another Arsenal corner but the referee blows his whistle. I go ballistic.

“What’s he seen in there to give another penalty?!” I scream at the fourth official. “The big-team-bias comes out again! No one was holding anyone and that ball clearly came off Dion’s head, so what on Earth has he awarded that for?!”

“He hasn’t,” the official responds calmly. “He’s blown for full-time.”

Oh.

Blimey, what a result.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

We return home to B9 for our FA Cup fourth-round fixture against Brentford in high spirits but with a price to pay for our efforts on Tuesday. A number of players still haven’t fully recovered by Saturday, so some hard decisions are made with the second leg coming in just three days as we rotate our four men out on the flanks and rest Krystian Bielik - I’m sure his knee will explode for the third time in his career if I push him much harder.

Brentford are stuck in the midst of a relegation battle so represent a tie we could reasonably hope to progress through, but we simply can’t risk all of our best players when we’ve got to play at the peak of our abilities midweek.

​

We just don’t look at it. We’re sluggish, we’re making the wrong choices, we’re not creating any big chances, we aren’t playing to the best of our abilities and we know it. It’s a good thing for us that Thomas Frank could probably say the same thing about his team then.

The game seems to be labouring to a dull, scoreless draw and an unwanted replay in West London when late substitute Tahith Chong runs onto an optimistic long ball. He breaks through The Bees’ defence and finds himself one-on-one with Thomas Strakosha as the clock ticks down, so he slows down and waits for the goalkeeper to commit himself. Chong touches the ball around Strakosha once he’s gone to ground and pokes the ball into the abandoned net, winning us the match and sending the fans bonkers as we progress to the fifth-round where we’ll face West Ham at home.

As if we won’t have had enough of cup games against London-based, Premier League teams after this week.

* * * * * * * *
​

As time is winding down on deadline day, we wrap up our signings for this season as Malachi Fagan-Walcott joins from Tottenham for £140,000 plus add-ons. He’s an upgrade on Tate Campbell as a fourth choice centre-back now Harlee Dean and George Friend have left, and he’ll have plenty of room to grow at only 21.

​

Now, we head back to Wembley for the Carabao Cup semi-final second leg against Arsenal and cross our fingers. I would say we’re about as likely to reach the final as we are to be the first football team to offer our fans complimentary trips to space on our own shuttle service - extremely unlikely, but there’s still that slim chance we’ll do it.

The players rested for the Brentford match are restored to the lineup and it’s a case of asking the players to perform one more miracle.

​

My boys. My beautiful, brave boys. They did their best. Unfortunately, they came up against a team of superstars performing at their best and it was finally too much for them.

Albert Sambi Lokonga curled in an effort from the D just after the ten minute mark and Thomas Partey then nodded in an Ødegaard corner at the back post a few minutes later to set the tone for the evening. We huffed and puffed but never came close to causing The Gunners any issues, even changing shape at half-time had no effect as the Londoners glided through the 90 minutes without issue, Martinelli adding a third to end any hope and condemn us to our first defeat since August.

The run ends here, but there’s no shame in being beaten at this stage by a team as strong as Arsenal. The Gunners will move on to face their fierce rivals Tottenham in the final after they snuck past Manchester City on penalties, whilst we’ll reflect on a cup campaign to be proud of.

* * * * * * * *
​

What’s the ideal remedy to being handed your first loss in five months? I don’t know exactly, but a trip to Wales to face Chris Coleman’s Swansea who are languishing in 23rd place seems pretty close. We make only one change as Lucas Rodríguez comes in for Rose - I’ve finally gotten sick of his patchy performances and have adequate competition to replace him with at last.

​

It takes all of four minutes to get an idea as to why The Swans are doing as badly as they are. Maxime Colin receives the ball on the edge of their box and beats three men without even trying. His shot goalward is tame, but Ryan Manning sticks out a leg to deflect it out of the path of Andrew Fisher’s dive and has to watch on in horror as the ball trickles over the line for 1-0. Things go from bad to worse for Manning as Chong volleys a cross from Hannibal Mejbri into the top corner via the defender’s face for one of the more impressive own goals I’ve seen.

We never need to leave second gear as we ease our way through the game, Swansea providing virtually no threat, and Finley Thorndike prods home unmarked from a free kick as the match heads into injury time to seal the three points with the first senior goal of his career.

A very pleasing reaction.

* * * * * * * *
​

If Swansea was exactly what we needed to recover, I imagine Norwich away is the complete opposite. The Canaries are the only team to have beaten us in the league this season and just beat fellow promotion chasers Burnley 4-1, so we’ll have to be wary of them. With this being our game in hand, we’ll send out the same team that comfortably beat Swansea knowing a victory will give us some daylight at the top.

​

“This has been a waste of everybody’s time. I’m so glad we’ve sat here in the cold and wet so we can see the most turgid match of football I’ve watched since Aitor Karanka was in charge,” I grumble to my assistants, Keith Downing and Matthew Gardiner.

“Don’t worry, boss - not long left. A point would be a good result against this lot anyway,” says Keith.

“Yeah, and we’ve just won a corner,” adds Matthew.

“We won’t score. No one’s going to score. We could play until October and no one will score,” I whinge as the corner’s swung in by Thorndike. Roberts’ header cracks against the bar. “See? I told you, there’s no chance -”

Jobe Bellingham has escaped his marker at the back post. Jobe Bellingham is heading the ball at goal from about a foot out. Jobe Bellingham is the reason I have to apologise to Adan George as I accidentally punch him in the face when I jump up to celebrate an eighty ninth minute winner that ensures nobody can do the double over us in the league this season. Jobe Bellingham has put us three points clear at the top of the league.

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

Part Ten​

Welcome back to Singing the Blues! The most anticipated local derby of the season looms, as does the fifth round of the FA Cup...

This part is spread across two posts, so please keep reading after the Cardiff game!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen
Season Two
Season Three
Season Four

​

I hate press conferences. They’re so regularly mundane and trivial, but if you dare send anybody else to go and answer the same questions that’ve been reworded 598 times you get slated and accused of either not caring, thinking you’re too important to waste your time on journalists, or both. Therefore, I subject myself to the mammoth task of looking engaged by the drivel that spills my way for however long before and after every match, trying to find new ways to describe how good Tahith Chong is and how we won’t get carried away until I’m told I’ve served my sentence and am free to leave.

However, the pre-match meeting the day before the visit of West Brom was a little spicier than usual.

“Nicole, could you please respond to rumours that’ve been circulating recently that claim you’re actually a West Brom fan?” A particularly daring reporter asked.

“Well, they’re a load of nonsense,” I laughed. “My grandad was an Albion supporter, but I’ve been going to Blues games since I was 3-years-old and was a season ticket holder most of my adult life prior to getting the job as manager.”

“So, you’ll admit you have a soft spot for them?”

“I don’t hate them like I do Villa and Wolves, but I doubt you’ll find one of our fans who does,” I responded, feeling myself start to become irritated.

“Does that mean you want them to do well then?” The reporter continued to probe.

“I want to beat them more than anybody else in the division,” I growled.

“But, overall? Would you like to see them get promoted, for example?”

“I couldn’t care less!” I seemed to be shouting all of a sudden. “Why does it matter to you anyway?”

“I feel that we all have a right to know,” the reporter said smugly.

“What you ‘have the right to know’ is the square root of fu-“

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” our press officer, Ross Lunt, interjected, stopping me before I got too carried away. “That’s all the questions we have time for today, thank you for coming.”

I left without making eye contact with anyone.

I really hate press conferences.

* * * * * * * *
​

Having calmed down, I name the same starting lineup and bench that sent us three points clear at the top of the league against Norwich. The Baggies are in poor recent form, with Sean Dyche’s men not winning in their last seven games, so they’re absolutely there for the taking.

​

Straight from kick-off, Chong sets Hannibal Mejbri free down our left and he hits the byline, centring a ball for Troy Deeney who wallops a strike goalward. The shot beats the statuesque Mark Gillespie but bounces off the midriff of Semi Ajayi on the line and is cleared.

This sets the tone for a first half that saw us go close to scoring in almost every conceivable way, without doing so.

There’s a Lucas Rodríguez free kick that goes just over, Chong clips the outside of the post when one-on-one, Juninho Bacuna has a thunderbolt spectacularly tipped wide, we hit both posts in the space of five seconds, and Dion Sanderson has a header that nearly snaps the crossbar, yet we can’t make the breakthrough. Our xG ticks past two before the interval and we start hoping a member of West Brom’s backline will make a mistake that lets us take charge.

Shortly before the hour mark, Ajayi makes a fantastic slide tackle on Chong. Fantastic for us that is, because he kicks the ball straight to the feet of the unmarked Bacuna who, from eight yards out, gobbles up the chance which gives us the lead we deserve.

Albion can’t sit back and hope for a point now so they start to apply a little more pressure, but this causes spaces to start opening up which we break into with the glee of a driver who’s been circling a car park for the last half an hour. Deeney plays a ball into the gap left by Filipe Luís for Chong to run onto and pull back to the penalty spot before he runs out of pitch, teeing up Krystian Bielik to spank home and settle any nerves as we cruise to a 2-0 victory over our local rivals.

* * * * * * * *
​

Good news! With that win, we’re now officially safe from relegation. With every high must come a low, however, so George Hall suffering from a double hernia that will see him miss the next month and a half isn’t entirely unexpected.

​

We must press on though, so attention turns to our next match - at home to Cardiff. We once again make no changes as the 14th-placed Bluebirds come to town, looking to extend a seven game unbeaten run that’s seen them edge away from relegation worries for the time being.

​

Am I back in Norwich? What a rubbish first half. At least, I think it was just the first half; I could have fallen asleep and missed the whole game for all I know. I check the clock once in the dressing room to make sure and send the players back out again after making clear how I felt about that performance.

We look much better. Passes seem slicker, sprints seem faster, tackles seem harder, then we shake off Cardiff having a goal disallowed for an offside as Jordan James drills home a skidding Bacuna cross to give us the advantage at last. Now we’ve got our noses in front, I hope that we’ll start to assert ourselves and take charge of the game.

But, we don’t.

We look a little nervy for some reason, and that uncharacteristic lack of composure would have lead to an equaliser were it not for the assistant referee’s flag being raised when Sheyi Ojo headed in with 20 minutes to go. We survive the scare, however, and refocus, allowing us to see out the remainder of the match without much fuss.

Tenser than we would have liked, but we still got the result.

* * * * * * * *​

 

[Chonky Panda Tactics]

As we prepare for our trip to Huddersfield, we’re able to confirm a new contract for John Ruddy. His consistency in goal has been a huge factor in our promotion push and has played every minute available in every competition, so I’m thrilled to have him around for next season. Even handing him a pay rise of over a third of his previous wages still sees him earning about 60% of what Neil Etheridge was on before we sold him in the summer, so it seemed a no-brainer for someone of his ability.

​

And so, to our adventure to Yorkshire. I’m worried slightly before the match when I’m told they’ve improved under David Wagner, only to learn that he’s taken them from 23rd to 22nd. Terrifying.

Maxime Colin, Bielik, Chong, and Hannibal are all rested as Mathías Suárez, Jobe Bellingham, Przemysław Płacheta, and Finley Thorndike come into the starting eleven in their place.

​

It’s been five minutes, Deeney’s cleared poorly, Danny Ward has headed in a Jeremy Sarmiento cross, and I’m chewing my hair to stop myself screaming. We don’t look ourselves again and it’s infuriating. We manage to grab an equaliser when Bacuna scores a stunning, first-time strike, but we’re still labouring through the game and I decide it’s time to bring the rested players on with 25 minutes remaining.

They have the desired effect.

We instantly look far more cohesive and it’s not even been ten minutes before Hannibal is teed up by Chong to lob Lee Nichols to put us ahead. You can practically see the hope evaporate from their bodies, so it’s no surprise when Deeney rounds off the scoring as the clock ticks down for his first goal in over ten hours of football and we leave the Kirklees having shown good heart to recover as well as we did.

* * * * * * * *
​

I’ve decided that Craig Gardner, our technical director, and I shall be doing an in-depth review of our physiotherapists at the end of the season. Why? Because Scott Hogan, our backup striker who only this week was described as “ready to resume training” after nearly two months out, has damaged his cruciate ligaments and will now miss most of the rest of 2023. This is the second knee injury this season, which I put down to the footballing gods punishing us for our frankly obscene overachievement.

​

That means Adan George will continue with his duties as our deputy striker as we host Luton. We reverse our changes from our last outing, though Suárez has picked up a slight knock so Poor Josh Williams will fill his spot on the bench. With The Hatters teetering on the edge of the relegation battle in 18th, they provide a good opportunity to keep our run of form going and also to see how we’ve progressed as a team since we beat them 2-0 on the opening day of the season.

​

If we’re looking for things we can compare, I’d suggest James rifling in from the D in the exact same way Bielik did back in July is the thing that sticks out. He strikes with the sort or force a Victorian school teacher would be proud of 20 minutes in and we don’t give Luton a sniff from that point onward.

We aren’t overly creative in the first period, but we really start to turn the screw after the break. Sanderson clatters in a header soon after the restart to stretch our winning margin to two, before Bacuna gets our third when he thumps into the far corner from the edge of the box. Hannibal completes the rout when he taps into an open goal after Deeney’s shot ricochets off the post and we prove, mathematically, that we’re twice as good now as we were at the start of the season.

Or Luton are twice as bad.

Take your pick.

* * * * * * * *
​

Amid all the excitement, including Blackburn and Burnley dropping lots of points between them, I’d almost forgotten about West Ham in the FA Cup last-16, yet the day has arrived for us to once again try and prove ourselves against a Premier League team.

We pick the same team again, looking to cause problems for a side that might under-scout and underestimate us.

​

I think we can conclude that The Irons have done their homework.

From the first whistle, Gianluca Scamacca pins himself to Sanderson, knowing he’s not as strong in the air as Roberts. By the fourth minute, Saïd Benrahma has looped in a cross and Scamacca has outjumped Dion to put the visitors ahead. I let out a little whimper.

But my boys bounce back off the ropes and come at West Ham, not giving them a second to breathe, and the pressure gives when Emerson Palmieri dives in on Chong to win us a penalty that Deeney coolly strokes into the bottom left to restore parity. We’re the better side for the remainder of the half and should really take the lead when Chong crashes a shot off the crossbar, but it’s not to be.

It’s frustrating, therefore, when we don’t switch on quickly enough after the start of the second period and allow Declan Rice to lift a pass over Rodríguez for Jarrod Bowen to race onto and curl into the far corner for a second goal that really doesn’t reflect the balance of play. Our players clearly take umbrage with this fact as well and pull themselves back into the game when Sanderson scores another header from a near post corner, setting up a dramatic finale.

The time seems to be ebbing away, we seem to be headed for extra time, but Danny Rose has other ideas. He makes some space for himself on the left and whips a low cross to Thorndike who has his back to goal, six yards out. With one turn, he loses the three men around him and he prods home a deserved winner to send us into the quarter-finals of the FA Cup.

Delirium.

* * * * * * * *
​

As we head towards the final quarter of the season, there’s an almost unnerving sense of calm around Wast Hills - no one expected us to be nine points clear of second with 12 games to go at the start of the season, so why should we be worried about pressure now?

As I’m making my way to my office, there are subtle hints to the excitement that’s building in the background however. The scouting team have two whiteboards on the wall with potential targets, one labelled “Championship”, the other labelled “Premier League”. The medical department are chatting about the new equipment they’d be able to afford if we go up. In the gym, Marc Roberts is humming “Up the Football League We Go” on an exercise bike whilst Troy Deeney flexes in the mirror, whispering “That’s what a champion looks like”, apparently lost in his own world.

Something’s off when I reach my destination, however. Harry isn’t anywhere to be seen. This is odd. He’s always at his desk by the time the pitch work is done for the day - where could he be?

I attempt to write up my notes from the day but keep finding myself distracted by his absence until, almost an hour later, there’s a curt knock on the door and Harry enters, looking very excited.

“Where’ve you been? I was getting worried about you!” I say.

“I was in a meeting with the directors,” Harry replies with an almost scarily wide grin spreading across his face.

“Oh, really? And?”

“Well…” Harry says, pausing for effect.

“It’s time for you to find out what’s in that wooden box.”

* * * * * * * *
​

Thank you for reading! Please follow this thread to keep up with the updates, and feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter! Please note that there won't be a new part next week as I'm away on holiday, so I look forward to sharing more of our journey the following weekend!