Chonky Panda Tactics
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- Joined
- Oct 6, 2022
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We’ve barely passed the five-minute mark when Ibrahima Konaté plants his 20th - yes, 20th - goal of the season past Édouard Mendy and our lead is doubled before there’s a quarter of an hour gone, Tahith Chong slotting under the Senegalese ‘keeper in his typical fashion.
At near-identical points to their first-half counterparts, Roméo Lavia rifles in a third from 25 yards after the break and Bob van Leeuwen gets in on the act by rounding Mendy and rolling in to make it four, though Ángel Correa does buck the trend by nabbing one back with 20 minutes to go. Irritated by losing their clean sheet, my boys continue to pile forward and get their reward in injury time when Arda Güler converts the penalty that Danny Namaso won, capping off an emphatic victory at the home of one of the best teams in the league this season.
* * * * * * * *
Fortunately for us, travelling to Germany with the aggregate score level and a clean bill of health for our first-choice options in every position of our 4-4-1-1 means we still have every chance of reaching the final, so Alex Scott and Oscar Gloukh will return from their weekend rest as we aim to topple the seven-time Champions of Europe.
Then, we’re sucker punched by a Joshua Kimmich thunderbolt from the edge of our area.
For all our dominance this season, Bayern have so much more European experience that dread sets in very quickly. They restructure promptly, so we change shape and push for an equaliser, but every crack in their brick-wall defence we try to break through is filled instantly, and time is running out.
As the board for added time goes up, however, it finally clicks that going over a wall is easier than going through one.
Scott catches Güler drifting towards the left edge of Bayern’s box and floats a delightful ball into his path which Arda meets on the half-volley, skidding a low cross straight to the back post for Endrick to stab in. That goal is enough to force extra time, but neither team has any energy and, with the scores, shots, and xG for each team level, we head for penalties.
Vidović is the first to step up and he sends Bijlow the wrong way. Next is our regular taker, Gloukh. He steps up confidently and smashes his effort straight off the crossbar.
“Well, now we’re done for.”
“Shut up, Matt.”
“Sorry, gaffer.”
The advantage doesn’t remain in our hosts’ favour for long, however, as Bijlow is able to beat Paul Wanner’s attempt away before Kevin Volland restores parity, then our ‘keeper stands his ground to catch Serge Gnabry’s Panenka and Güler tucks his bottom-left.
Suddenly, it’s in our hands.
Leroy Sané and Endrick both score.
A Castello Lukeba miss would send us through, but he puts his spot-kick just out of Bijlow’s reach, so it comes down to Ian Maatsen as our fifth taker to try and clinch progress.
I close my eyes as he starts his run up.
I hear him kick the ball, then I hear the ripple of the net and feel the players and staff I’m huddled with sprint onto the pitch.
I fall to my haunches and try to compose myself, holding back my emotions as I shake Julian Nagelsmann’s hand.
Birmingham City are heading to Old Trafford to face Jude Bellingham’s Liverpool in the 2026 Champions League final.
* * * * * * * *
Since Carlos Vicens jumped ship from Hull, The Tigers have looked a much improved side, whilst Leicester have been much worse since his appointment, so draw whatever conclusions you wish from that. Despite their lowly position, it’ll be the same personnel that started the two hours of football during the week, as a midweek fixture at nearby Nottingham Forest is crammed between today and the FA Cup final next weekend, so I plan to give most players a rest on Wednesday anyway.
“I really thought they’d put up more of a fight,” I admit. “They really didn’t care today, even before it got into ‘thumping’ territory at 4-0.”
“Was that the first goal Ibrahima’s scored with his feet this season?” Matt asks.
“Possibly, it’s difficult to keep track at this point - he’s scored so many,” I answer. “By the way, have either of you seen Harry since we got home?”
“Don’t think so,” Keith says.
“Me neither,” Matt adds. “Maybe he’s ill. Actually, I reckon he was uninterested in watching us dismantle a team that’ll probably get relegated next campaign, should they stick with their manager.”
“Maybe don’t say that so loud.”
“Nah, no one will’ve heard me - watch.” Matt crosses the tunnel to shake hands with Vicens before returning, stony-faced.
“Did he hear you?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“And?”
“He suggested I go swimming with concrete shoes on.”
* * * * * * * *
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