The Stag Party - A Mansfield Town Story

[BecksLeftBoot]

So I thought I would share the unlikely story of my career with the mighty Mansfield Town. It begins as follows....

CHAPTER ONE: THE JOB OFFER
(Pilates and Pub quiz)
​

17/07/12
6:30 am

The phone rings..

Me: Hello?

Carolyn Radford: Hi there, is that Stevie Devereaux?

Me: Err... Yeah. Who's this?

Carolyn: It's Carolyn Radford, we went to uni together, I was Carolyn Still then, I don't know if you remember me, we used to do the pub quiz together and you taught me the offside rule. I think you dropped out after doing nothing for the first year but play Champ Man '98... So how's life?

Me: Hmmmm.... O.K. I guess.

Carolyn: I'm doing great thanks!

Me: I didn't as.......

Carolyn: Yeah I actually run a football team now! Can you believe it?! Anyway the reason I call darling, in a bit of a dilemma. Had to sack my manager this morning, we'll tell the press, of course, personal reasons, mutual decision.. yadda yadda yadda...... you know how these things go, truth is, seeing his podgy little face around the office was putting me off my pilates so I had to get rid.
Anyway to cut a long story short we have an opening now, and well, I was wondering if your looking for work at the moment?

Me: Am.... Me..... Is this a wind up?

Carolyn: Not at all darling, I remember you were a real whizz in the sports segments of the Stags Head pub quiz and lets face it you basically went to Durham to study football management, albeit locked in your room on your PC, **** it all counts, so whoose better qualified, and we'll pay you 900 quid a week which has got to be better than... well what are you doing right now?

Me: Erm... I work on the deli counter in Morrisons.

Carolyn: (After a prolonged silence) .....Well yes.... so shall we say Field Mill at 12?

Me: Wow, I.... O.K. I'll be there!

Carolyn: Fantastic Darling, so glad, pleased as punch. See you there, chow chow.

Me: Errr.... Chow?



(More to follow, first attempt at a story so advice welcome.)

 

[BecksLeftBoot]

17/07/12
12:18pm

On arrival at Field Mill I am ushered up to the stands where John & Carolyn Radford are sitting watching an impromptu training session being held by Adam Murray. On seeing me approach John gives me a hearty shake of the hand...

John: Stevie boy, so glad to finally meet you mate, the Mrs has told me all about you. Bit of a Statto I hear?

Me: Hi there, yeah, all good I hope.

John: Oh Aye, tells me you've been down under, showing them Aussies in the A league how its done, bagging silverware like a Somali pirate she says!

Over his shoulder Carolyn winks and gives a quick nod of her head.

Me: Errm yeah.... (I fondly remember by FM 2010 Melbourne Victory save) Beautiful country John, but shocking football.

John: (In an awful Australian accent, reminiscent of Alf off Home & Away) Soccer mate, soccer! But seriously, you come highly recomended and thats good enough for me.

He gives Carolyn a slap on the **** before taking a seat.

John: It's a wonderful thing Steve, this little game of ours.

He gestures toward the pitch and I glance out in time to see Matt Rhead, who is practicing penalties, blaze one 18 yards wide, knocking over a One Call billboard.

Me: Yes John, yes it is.

John: So to business, I've sent you an email detailing the history of the club, give it a little peruse when you get a chance mate. Now as far as what we want from you this year, we've been out of the league a little while now and really need to be doing something about it, but we all know its a long hard slog so we're thinking top half finish this year then give it a bit of a push next season, what do you reckon?

Me: Sounds fair.

John: Great, so to that end I'm gonna give you a budget of 250k.

Me: O.K. thats..... Wait, What!? 250 grand? In the BSP? For top half? What will you give me if we challenge for the title?

John: I guess I could stretch to 350?

Me: B****Y **** Mate! Are you sure? You could probably buy every player in the division for that! Your on!

John: Knew I'd like you Stevo, the funds'll be in the transfer kitty in the morning, well thats the business concluded, short and sweet, maybe you should go have a chat with Adam down there, see what you think to the squad. Oh and I thought I'd take the liberty of arranging a little press conference to announce your appointment, that alright pal?

Me: Yeah sure, I guess boss.

John: Ha boss, I like that, you picked a good'un 'ere Kaz love!

 

[xelliotx]

Mansfield town are my local team haha, love to see how this goes on.

 

[BecksLeftBoot]

17/07/12
12:35pm

So as the Radfords make their way to the club bar for midday mojitos, I head down to the dugout for a chat with my new assistant manager Adam Murray....

Me: Afternoon Adam, Steve Devereaux.

Adam: Oh hello there gaffer, come to check out the lads? I've got them running a few training exercises for you so you can have a gander.

(Check out the lads? Sounds a bit dodgy but I think I'll let it slide.)

Me: Yes mate, very good. What's your opinion of the squad?

Adam: Well I think basically we have a pretty good squad here that should be able to achieve their goals. I reckon Gary Roberts is the best player in the team so you should probably take a closer look at him.
If you like I can arrange for a match between the first team and reserves tomorrow, give you a chance for a better assessment?

I look out at the chaps on the pitch tripping over themselves and lumping the ball around like Sunday leaguers and suddenly the thought of spending an afternoon watching them hacking away at each other fills me with dread.

Me: No, no Adam, no need mate. I see we have a few friendlies penciled in already and that should be plenty to work out where we're at. O.k. anything else I should know for now?

I zone out a bit as he starts to drone on about who he thinks should be taking penalties and throw ins etc. which I won't bore you with and when he finally stops I say cheerio and head for my new office.

All in all quite an eventful first day on the job, now for preseason. On the face of it there seem to be several points to address as we get ready for the season proper;

1. The transfer and wage budget are huge considering the level we're at (am pretty sure Paul *** wasn't given that sort of money) and as there are always quality free transfers available I reckon may be good idea to move the bulk of the transfer budget into wages.
2. The squad are ok but nothing special, think that just about every position can be improved, except maybe Roberts.
3. The backroom staff are pretty awful from top to bottom, there is surely better out there, Adam Murrays staff stats indicate he has borderline learning difficulties so I can't really trust any advice he gives me but he is also one of the better players in the squad, this may be difficult to fix.
4. Almost everyone seems to only be under contract till the end of the season, under the circumstances not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

I think the main thing that it all boils down to is we have an achievable target and enough money so sign an entire new squad so I think maybe thats exactly what I'll do.
See you after preseason!

 

[BecksLeftBoot]

Thanks mate, hope you like it.