View attachment 107043
View attachment 107042
Why is it that even when things are starting to look up all around me I can't lift my head up to do the same? It's like as soon as things start to fall in to place I can't seem to accept that things are going well and just, I don't know, live in the moment? You see for as long as I can remember I have never been a happy person, sure on the outside I am and I can have a laugh but you can bet your house on it that even when you see me smiling I am dying inside. Even if I look happy and I should be happy you can guarantee it's killing me inside trying to keep up the pretence. I don't know if it goes back to my childhood, my failed football playing career or the tragic incident involving my ex-girlfriend and my baby girl but what I do know is that I have suffered enough. I don't know how much more of this pain and hurt I can take. I've made mistakes, I've wasted a lot of my life and drunkenly killed my ex-girlfriend and newborn baby in a car crash I am not a good person, I do not deserve happiness. I won't ever get over the hurt that I have caused others in my lifetime. I just wish I could wake up one day and everything was okay once again, if I could sleep all the pain away I would Better still, I wish I could just end it all and ease my sorrow once and for all but I can't bring myself to do that, I don't know why. I want to do it but I still have that voice of reason in the back of my head telling me that things will get better. i sure hope they do soon, quite simply; they have to. It's getting so hard trying to get by in my day to day life without turning back to drink and drugs once again. I honestly don't know how I've managed to take control of a football team this year when I can barely control my own life, thoughts and feelings. I'm just glad no one has noticed the change in me or at least they haven't challenged me as I think I would break down crying on them. I've got to get these lads through this season and then sort out a long term solution in the summer as this is really getting out of hand.
View attachment 107042
Why is it that even when things are starting to look up all around me I can't lift my head up to do the same? It's like as soon as things start to fall in to place I can't seem to accept that things are going well and just, I don't know, live in the moment? You see for as long as I can remember I have never been a happy person, sure on the outside I am and I can have a laugh but you can bet your house on it that even when you see me smiling I am dying inside. Even if I look happy and I should be happy you can guarantee it's killing me inside trying to keep up the pretence. I don't know if it goes back to my childhood, my failed football playing career or the tragic incident involving my ex-girlfriend and my baby girl but what I do know is that I have suffered enough. I don't know how much more of this pain and hurt I can take. I've made mistakes, I've wasted a lot of my life and drunkenly killed my ex-girlfriend and newborn baby in a car crash I am not a good person, I do not deserve happiness. I won't ever get over the hurt that I have caused others in my lifetime. I just wish I could wake up one day and everything was okay once again, if I could sleep all the pain away I would Better still, I wish I could just end it all and ease my sorrow once and for all but I can't bring myself to do that, I don't know why. I want to do it but I still have that voice of reason in the back of my head telling me that things will get better. i sure hope they do soon, quite simply; they have to. It's getting so hard trying to get by in my day to day life without turning back to drink and drugs once again. I honestly don't know how I've managed to take control of a football team this year when I can barely control my own life, thoughts and feelings. I'm just glad no one has noticed the change in me or at least they haven't challenged me as I think I would break down crying on them. I've got to get these lads through this season and then sort out a long term solution in the summer as this is really getting out of hand.
[video=youtube;JxPj3GAYYZ0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxPj3GAYYZ0[/video]