Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

We flew into Corsica Wednesday afternoon. Smooth ride, no complaints. Had plenty of time to get from the airport to the stadium.

Thomas Hengen had managed to get two English forwards, Jerome Sinclair and Osayamen Osawe, and they joined us on the plane. I'm still learning my player's names but I was particularly interested in two of them: Neal Gibs and Julian Niehues. Neal is a 19 yo left back and Julian is a 20 yo defensive midfielder. Both are unproven but have potential.

Also, the adult options aren't very good.

Muhammed Kiprit scored a PK in the 18th. He'd been flattened by a Ajaccio defender while waiting for a cross. He joined this June and will more than likely be my main striker.

I replaced Elias Huth at halftime with Sinclair as Huth just hadn't done anything as Kiprit's strike partner. Sinclair's first touch was to control a pass, second was to chip a pass out right for right back Zimmer to run onto. His third touch was to smash Zimmer's cross into the back of the net.

I pulled my phone out. I found his agent's number and dialed.

"This is Bobby."

"Hi, this is Enrico Pucci."

"Hey, how are you? How's Jerome doing?"

"Great. Corsica is lovely, you should visit sometime. Jerome's doing great. Just scored for us."

"That's Jerome. Nobody's given him his chance. He'll deliver, I'm telling you. Wait, is that fans singing? Are you in the stadium now?"

"Yeah, match is still going on. I'm wondering what weekly wage Jerome wants."

"Eighteen thousand or so."

"Okay."

"So you're interested?"

"Not at that price. Sorry. Have a nice evening."

"Wait, hold on a second. So that's it? Jerome's a great guy. He works hards, never causes any trouble."

"Its more that Kaiserslautern are in financial crisis. I'm looking for bargains, unfortunately. Good luck."

"Alright, mate. Cheers."

Click.

F***.

The other Englishman was quick. Didn't do much but he sure is quick. Hopefully, he'll be cheaper. I'm going to have to send Jerome home.

Both teens did fine, Niehues quite well. I'll still need another fullback and defensive midfielder, but at a bare minimum, the kids will do alright.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 15 July 2021

8am

“Alright, so what did we learn?” I said. I sipped my espresso.

“Gibs was s***,” Jörg. “Pfaffenroth was s***.”

“This is true,” I said. “Gibs didn’t close down his winger all that quickly nor did he ever really make a challenge to win a tackle. He won two headers but he wasn’t challenged. But can you and Lorenzo teach him?”

“Gibs?” Jörg asked looking at Lorenzo D’Anna.

“Gibs keine scheisse,” Lorenzo said.

“So you think you can train him up to standards?” I asked in Italian. Lorenzo nodded. Then I looked at Jörg. He shrugged then gave me a thumbs up. Then in German I said: “But I’m getting ending Pfaffenroth’s tryout contract. I think we’ve seen enough.”

“Kiprit showed signs he’s a decent enough attacker,” Ulf said. “His top speed is not great, its alright, but he’s pretty quick. I can work with him.”

“What about Huth?” I asked. Elias Huth had scored two goals all of last season.

“We’re going to need another option,” Ulf said. “I don’t know if that teenager, what’s his name … uh … the Dutch kid … Bangura. Saydou Bangura can make it. Maybe.”

“Osayamen Osawe is really fast though, ja?” Frank added.

We all nodded.

“Fast as f***,” Jörg added then made the sound of a bullet whistling past.

“Sinclair’s not an option?” Ulf asked.

“Sadly, no,” I replied. “Agent quoted me eighteen thousand. I’ve got ten thousand and we’re going to need some starters and some cover.”

“But not for midfield,” Ulf said. We all nodded.

“Thank the footballing gods we don’t need midfielders,” I said.

“They’ve got to stay healthy,” Günther said then knocked on the table.

“Kenny Redondo and Hendrick Zuck will be good in your winger position,” Ulf said. “I’m not sure who’s faster Redondo or Osawe, but those two and Kiprit up top will get us plenty of goals.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Wolfgang Wimmer said as he walked up. “Laptop issues.” He set his backpack down.

“Glad you’re here,” I said as I stood and shook his hand. I introduced him. “Moving on, today we’re going to meet Assani Lukimya. His agent approached me. He played for Werder a few years back before going to China for big money. He played the last few seasons for Uerdingen. Apparently, he’d like to play a few more seasons.”

“So how old is he?” Günther asked.

“Thirty five,” I replied. “So the question is has he still got anything to offer? We need to find that out today. He’s from Congo but has German nationality, too. If he’s still got it, I want to offer him a contract.”

“Then there’s Jan Hempel. He’s a left back, but I think he can cover at defensive midfield, too.” My phone vibrated. I pulled it out. It was a text from the Head Physio Agnieszka Tobiasz-Kolodziej. “F***. ATK says new loan signing Marvin Senger has COVID. She has him isolating back in his hotel. S***. One less central defender and COVID tests for everyone.”

“We’ve got a guy in reserves,” Frank said. “Alexander Winkler. He had a falling out with the last manager. He’d be decent cover.”

“Nice. Okay, one more thing,” I said. “I asked Thomas for some free agents. They'll arrive on trial today and tomorrow. Let’s figure out if we should keep any by Saturday. Or sooner.”

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 17 July 2021

9:30am

“Enrico, how are you?”

“Need caffeeine, Thomas, need caffeine,” I replied.

“I see you have your espresso,” he said. “That must be a sign we have a lot to discuss, ja?”

“Ja, so many details. Shall we?” I sat and took a sip of my espresso, set it on his desk then logged into my iPad. “First, sign Hempel, our Congolese Gentleman, and our Englishman. Hempel will sign for pfennigs, try to get Lukimya for as close to three as you can, and Osawe should agree to something under five but try to get as close to four as you can.”

“Alright,” Thomas said as he wrote himself notes.

“Get rid of the rest of the trialists except Regäsel. I still want to evaluate him some more.”

“Any news on Senger?” Thomas asked. “How’s he feeling?”

“ATK says his symptoms aren’t too bad so that’s good. Everybody else tested negative. That’s also good. Um, let’s see … um … that loan signing from Hannover, Simon Stehle, can we send him back? I’m not going to use him. He’s not done anything to give me any reason to keep him around.”

“Checking,” Thomas said as he navigated on his laptop. “Let’s see. Here we are. Good and bad news. Good news is we’re not paying Hannover anything, bad news is we cannot terminate his loan.”

“Okay,” I shrugged.

“Are you going to keep Zimmer and Zuck as Captain and Vice Captain?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Good,” Thomas said. “Its its no fun when you have to demote a leader. Also, sorry it took so long to get Trojan here. The DFB’s website and app are so frustrating.”

“You aren’t kidding,” I agreed.

“There you are, Enrico,” Olaf said, poking his head in the door. “Is this a good time? May I join you?” I motioned for him to sit in the other chair. “Good, I have some scouting updates to review with you.”

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 July 2021

7am

“I can drive you.”

“That’s so sweet of you my sexy Rennfahrer chauffeur of a man,” Gwen said.

“I’d like to see you all off, anyways.”

“You have enough time before training?”

“I think so. The boys know I might be a smidge late and they know what to do anyways. I’m going to go and wake Allie up.”

I walked to Allie’s room.

“Dad have you seen my crocs?” Matthew asked as I passed his room.

“Uh, yeah. Living room unless Elke put them away. Then the mud room.”

Matthew trundled past me, towing his favorite stuffed bunny.

“Good morning, Allison,” I said as I walked into her room. She grunted then stretched. “Do I smell something stinky?”

“Stingy poopy,” Allison mumbled then yawned. “Daddy paddy skaddy waddy.”

“Egads,” I said as transferred her from her crib to the changing table. “I am continually amazed by how stinky your poo is.”

“Stingy poo.”

“Sweet Mary Mother of …” I said in Italian as I unwrapped her diaper. “God in heaven save us all from this … seriously … how does a creature as small as you excrete so much?”

“I’m all packed and ready to …,” Gwen said from the doorway. “Egads, that stinks to high heaven.”

“Seriously. What are we feeding her?” I agreed. “So small yet such gigantic poops.”

“Stingy poopy, Daddy,” Allie said.

“There you go, my dear. All clean, all dressed, ready for France. Are you ready for France, Allie?”

“Gobbie Hommie,” she said looking around in panic. “Gobbie Hommie!”

I picked her up and dangled her upside down into her crib so she could grab her blankie. We have no idea why, but that’s what she’d named her blankie.

“Gobbie Hommie!” she chortled as I carried her out of the room dangling by her ankles.

“Do you want to walk?” I asked her.

“Dangy!” she replied so I continued to carry her upside down. I strapped her into her car seat and we piled into Gwen’s sky blue Volvo.

“Are they going to have movies on the plane?” Matthew asked.

“I don’t know,” Gwen replied. “We’ll find out when we get on.”

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 20 July 2021

9pm

The cab dropped Jörg, Ulf and I off in the back alley and snuck in the back of the pub. I’d brought them with me because Jörg is huge and a legend and Ulf is a legend.

The room quickly went silent after we entered.

“Hello,” I said. “We’re here. We’re yours for an hour or until you tire of us.”

“Hi, I’m Arnold of Devil Corps. Let me introduce everyone. In the corner are Devil Corps. Over there are the Unnamed. That group is Left of the Devil. And those guys are the Betzenberg Elite.”

“The BE are the newest, Devil Corps are the oldest, Left of the Devil and the BE are the political groups and the Unnamed are nihilists.

“Ja, we don’t believe in anything,” someone yelled from amongst the Unnamed.

“Oh, there is another group, but they’ve been banned, “Arnold said. “The Strong were banned over a racist banner and members would sometimes do **** salutes. So

they’re gone.”

“Good,” I said. “Why Betzenberg?”

“That’s the name of the hill upon which the Fritz-Walter was built,” someone from the BE’s answered.

“Hi, I’m Gustav of the BE. We’d like to know your political beliefs, please?”

“I’m a lefty,” I said. “I voted against Trump. I hate the fat f***. I’d like to talk about racism. Can we?” There was a chorus of Ja’s. “I haven’t talked it over with my players, but I plan on it. If there are any racist chants against us at away matches, we’re going to have a policy. I have an African player, he’s also got German citizenship, I have an Englishman who is black. I’ve got a Dutch forward who is black. I’ve got two Germans of Turkish descent. First I’m going to talk it over with them. I want to know how they want us want to handle it.”

“Like if bananas are thrown and there are monkey chants, what do we do? If there are anti-Turkish chants, how do we respond. Once they’ve come to a consensus on what to do, then I’ll present that to the whole squad. I’m thinking we’ll deal with it on a case-by-case basis but you never know. I’ll see what the minority players want to do. Regardless, we’ll set up a procedure of how we’ll handle each situation when it arises.”

“So you’d walk off the field?” a woman asked. “Sorry, Silvie from Left of the Devil.”

“If that’s what my players want to do,” I said. A murmur of agreement swept the room.

“We really … um, sorry, Berat, Devil Corps … We really appreciate that you’ve brought in a really strong coaching staff. I think that everyone pretty much agrees that the coaching hasn’t been good for a while.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Ja. I’ve done well in League Two in England and in Serie B because I’ve brought in really good coaches. I’m not enough of a an idiot to think its all me.”

“Is it possible to get selfies with you three?” Arnold asked.

“We figured you’d like that,” I said. “Individually, together or whatever.”

And there were selfies.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 22 July 2021

5:06pm

“Hi, Dad.”

“Hi Matthew, how are you?” I replied. Live streaming was better than nothing.



“Good.”

“Yeah? You look good.”

He shifted uncomfortably.

“I miss you, Dad.”

“I miss you, too, mon Capitan! Hey, you’re wearing your Yellowstone sweatshirt. That’s not too hot is it?”

“No its windy today.”

“I’ll never forget that trip.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Mom says I have to let Allie talk too.”

“Will you hold the phone so I can see her?” he nodded yes.

“You’re the boss again, Dad?”

“I am.”

“Do you shout at them?”

“Yeah,” I admitted.

“Like all the time?”

“When we’re training, out on the pitch. Mainly because the field is big.”

“But yell mean?”

“No, I haven’t had to do that, yet. The real matches haven’t started, yet.”

“Is your club bad?”

“We haven’t been good in a while so I guess, yes, we’re bad.”

“Are you going to get relegated?”

“No, we’re going to try and get promoted.”

“Oh.”

“What do you like most about France?”

“Mom won’t let me go sailing,” he complained.

“Really? Should I shout at her for you?”

“Here’s my sister. Mom can hold the phone. I love you, Dad.”

Click. He hung up.

“Bye,” I said to my blank phone. He always ended the calls suddenly. “I love you, too.” I was getting used to it. Gwen called back in a minute and I got to talk to them a bit, too.

 

[Sam91]

Brilliant storytelling as always mate looking forward to seeing the proper matches get started

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 23 July 2021

2pm

Three reporters faced me in the cavernous press room. Social distancing was optimal. I guess Niklas Boll didn’t make it out of bed or Kicker had higher priority press conferences today.

“Tomorrow is your first match, thoughts?” Jakob Böttcher of the Kaiserslautern Express asked.

“I’ve had twelve days preparation,” I said. “One friendly does not a preseason make, if you know what I mean. Look, manager transitions happen. I had plenty back in my playing days and I’d prefer to have worked with my players for a month. But they know how to play the game and I think the systems we’ve set up for this squad play to our strengths and are relatively easy to learn. Obviously, we’ll see how we’re doing tomorrow.”

“No new signings?” Dennis Friedel of Sportbuzzer asked. “Free agents or loans?”

“We’ve offered three free agents contracts,” I said. “Two we’re waiting on signatures and the other one is processing at the DFB.”

“Do you expect any of them to be available tomorrow?” Friedel asked.

“I hope so. You know how this goes, though.” I shrugged.

“Relegated Eintracht Braunschweig visit tomorrow, how do you see your squad matching up against theirs?” Florian Carre of OneFootball asked.

“They have a solid squad,” I said. “On paper they should do well in the third league. You all know that. You all have made your predictions. But they were just relegated and have a new manager. On the other hand, we had a terrible season last time out and came a bit too close to the relegation scrap for anyone’s liking when everyone predicted we’d get promoted. They’ve turned quite a few of their players over, so have we. So who knows what’s going to happen. We’ll find out, ja?”

“So you don’t feel confident?” Carre followed up.

“I have some good players and if we perform as I think they can, we’ll win. We’ll see.”

“Kaiserslautern are one of the clubs picked for promotion, after what you’ve seen so far, do you think that still holds true?” Böttcher asked.

“The players are aiming for automatic promotion,” I said. “Our key players from last season want to bounce back with a good campaign this time. Also, I have a “freaking” awesome win percentage in the lower leagues. Sorry, freaking is English slang, but I think you get my meaning.”

“Who do you see as your key players?” Carre asked. “Who will lead this team?”

“Our keeper is great. Avdo Spahic is my number one. Our captain Jean Zimmer will lead our defense and bomb forward down that right flank. Fullbacks are key in my system and I foresee him thriving in it. Marlon Ritter and René Klingenburg will control the midfield. Ritter is key. His vision and ability to open up defenses will be key. He’s nasty at set pieces and think we’ll get plenty of goals from corners and dead ball situations. Kenny Redondo is really fast and we’ve added Muhammed Kiprit who has impressed me so far.”

“But you are relying on two untested players at fullback and defensive midfield,” Böttcher said.

“Julian Niehues and Neal Gibs have shown they are ready to step up. They’ll be fine.”

"So your formation will be a four-three-three?" Friedel asked.

"Four at the back with wing backs," I replied. "A defensive midfielder and two attacking midfielders. Three forwards."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The Westkurv was full. Mostly. The rest of the stadium was not. Half of all the fans were in the Westkurv. A couple thousand Braunschweig supporters were in the southeast corner.

Our Captain Jean Zimmer complained of a pulled muscle in his stomach on Thursday but we weren't worried then. He wasn't able to start, however, so maybe we should have. None of our paperwork was back from the DFB so Osawe, Lukimya and Hempel are not available. I chickened out and started Philip Hercher at left back over the teenager Neal Gibs. I could tell the players were nervous listening to the Westkurv singing from Die Kabine, the team room.

It was a slow-paced first half. Braunschweig had a lone striker and five in the midfield designed to stifle us.

I paced the touchline and inwardly cringed as we played safe passes and didn't do much of anything in the first half.

"F*** this s***," Jörg said as we walked off at halftime.

"Ja, pretty much," I replied.

"Alright listen up," I said once we were all in Die Kabine. "I'm not pleased by what I just saw out there. They aren't much of a threat. If you keep passing safe, neither are we. You can do better than what I just saw in the first half. Move the ball quicker. Look around you before the ball arrives. Know what your options are before the pass arrives."

They all nodded in agreement then started talking amongst themselves.

While we tried to press the game, Braunschweig just bunkered in more. It wasn't until the 56th minute that anything happened. We'd won a corner and Ritter played the corner to the second post. Central defender Boris Tomiak sent his header back across the goal. My speedy winger Kenny Redondo was a the first post and deflected it goalward.

The ball hit the post and trickled across the goal rolled along the goal line. Everyone just watched it wobble towards the opposite post. When it hit the far post and stopped several players pounced and the ball squirted out over the end line somehow.

The ref signaled goal kick.

In the sixty fourth minute, Elias Huth finally got a header on target. Redondo had curled in a perfect cross. He'd blazed over twice already and I thought he was due, but their keeper clawed it away.

I spun to look at the bench and everyone was off it ready to celebrate.

F***.

Five minutes after that and our midfield maestro Marlon Ritter squeezed a pass between two defenders and Redondo was behind the defense.

He beat the keeper.

But not the post.

We took 21 shots and got 9 on target. Braunschweig keeper Jasmin Fejzic was Man Of The Match.

"That was just the first match, Enrico," Ulf said as we trudged up the tunnel. "Go easy on them. We're getting in good positions. I can work on their finishing."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Brilliant storytelling as always mate looking forward to seeing the proper matches get started

Thanks. I'm itching to go, too. I can't wait to see how this season plays out.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Welcome to another Rötlich und Teuflisch podcast, this is podcast number 8.42. I’m your host Werner. Joining me is my good friend Jakob. How are you Jakob?

Jakob: Ja, you know we were close, very close to starting off the season well.

Werner: Ja, and normally the start of the season is the start to fall for me, but this seemed awfully early. So we’re here to talk about our beloved club Kaiserslautern and the goalless draw with Eintracht Braunschweig that occurred yesterday. Like and subscribe, please.

J: Ja, I’m betting it feels really soon for Enrico Pucci. I bet he would like to have a few more weeks to work with the squad prior to the first match. But no. That's just how it is.

W: That lack of preparation showed, didn’t it? It really showed. I mean, our opponents didn’t look all that great either …

J: I’m going to try and look on the bright side …

W: Good, good. After all we do sing that song quite a lot from the Westkurv …

J: … right and here’s why I am going to try to look on the bright side: Ulf Kirsten. We have one of the premier, one of the legendary goal machines of the Bundesliga as one of our coaches. Yesterday, we got some good chances. Created some good chances. But none fell to Mohammed Kiprit. Additionally, in other news Elias Huth still cannot score.

W: Ja, Huth is really depressing.

J: Pucci mentioned that we have three new signings coming.

W: Excellent.

J: He said that one of them is a speedy Englishmen by the name of … and I know his name should sound familiar … Osayamen Osawe. And he plays forward. This means that on paper, Redondo and he might give us the fastest attack in the third league.”

W: Wait, we know this guy, don’t we?

J: Because he couldn’t score for us back in the good old days of Two Bundesliga and he couldn’t score for Uerdigen the last three seasons in Three Liga. Although, he did blow his knee out last season.

W: You had me there for a minute. You had me experiencing that fleeting sensation of hope. Just for a minute there you horrible, terrible person, Jakob. How dare you.

J: I had the same sensation talking to Pucci yesterday at the post match availability. He seemed excited about Osawe. I was less excited when he said his name. Much like you’re feeling right now.

W: And think of our three listeners. And your Mom. Enough depressing subjects. Let’s talk about something positive. We kept a clean sheet. That is worth noting isn’t it?

J: Maybe.

W: Oh, great. Here we go. You’re now going to rip any sense of hope from my heart.

J: Probably.

W: Fine. Go ahead, I’ve braced myself.

J: Braunschweig were the lowest scoring team in Two Bundesliga last year and they had the third worst defense.

W: Fine. Fine. But aren’t they expected to do well in this lower league.

J: Yes. We’ll see, though. Sometimes when teams drop down a league their poor play continues.

W: Please tell me something good.

J: One of the three signings we’re expecting in the next few days is Assani Lukimya. He played the last three seasons for Uerdigen, but they released him. He featured for Werder Bremen before he got a big money move to China. He’s thirty five, but Pucci rates him highly enough.

W: Will he be a back up or will he replace Kevin Kraus.

J: Kraus wasn’t that bad, but he didn’t look that comfortable yesterday.

W: Okay, so we get these new signings on board for next weekend away to Meppen.

J: We should and I emphasize should be able to put a few in the net against Meppen. They are perennial strugglers and we should get all three points from that one.

W: Great. Lets move on the questions …

J: Lets …

W: Another one from your Mom …

J: If it wasn’t for her …

W: Anyways, your Mom, @Pmencsh92 on Twitter, asks Is this squad really good enough to get promoted or is it more suffering?

J: God I hope we’re good enough. I hope we’ve finally got the right manager.

W: On that hopeful note let’s end this …

J: Go away now.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 25 July 2021

8am

"F***," Jörg said as I sat down.

"I couldn't have said it better," I replied then took a sip of my espresso. "Ahhhh. Better."

"It could have been worse," Ulf said.

"Schlecht tor ... uh ... uh ... gegen," Lorenzo said then smiled at everyone.

"You mean they could've scored against us because of a fluke or terrible defending?" I asked in Italian. Lorenzo nodded. Then in German. "Yeah, he's got a point. They didn't really threaten us, did they. We didn't collapse defensively and give them a goal."

I took a sip of my espresso. Looked at it for a moment then took another.

"Alright, what's the worst start anyone's ever been a part of?" I asked.

"2007, that was f***ing s***," Jörg said. "seven straight to start the season. Got relegated."

"Ja, that's pretty bad" Ulf said. "Dresden or Bayer never had a losing streak like that."

I repeated the question in Italian to Lorenzo. He said that in his final season 2006-07, Chievo had started without winning in the first eleven matches. Three draws and eight losses. I restated this in German. Chievo were relegated that season. That elicited some groans.

"All I'm trying to say is that we drew our first match," I said. "What was the xG for the match, David?"

"It was 1.72 to .43," David Aschenbroich our head performance analyst said. "Those numbers show we should have scored."

"Their keeper was really great," Wolfgang Wimmer added.

"Alright, what challenge do we face away at SV Meppen?" I asked.

"A much easier challenge," Florian

said. He is a retired Roten Teufel legend who'd joined the scouting team and scouted upcoming opponents. "They clawed their way into the professional leagues five years ago and just barely avoided relegation last season. They play a four-four-one-one. They will play a low block and hope to attack on the counter or score from set plays. They've got a big, strong center forward. Their outside midfielders and fullbacks will lob in crosses for him."

"Thanks, Florian," I said. "So we'll work on defending set pieces otherwise lets focus on getting our scoring on track."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 28 July 2021
2:30pm

"Welcome to you all, thanks for coming," Technical Director Thomas Hengen said to the three journalists spread out across the vast press room. My three new signings sat with me. "First question?"

"You look quite pleased, Enrico," Florian Carre of OneFootball said. "Would you comment about Assani Lukimya?"

"He is the kind of quality we need to get promoted," I replied. "I'm delighted to welcome him. He's got the experience and skills we need."

"How important will he be?" Carre continued. "Do you expect him to make a big impact?"

"Very and yes. He's tall, strong, has great positional sense and reads the game like a veteran. He's exactly what we need. I brought him on because I know he'll make a big impact."

"One player can sometimes make the difference between winning and losing matches," Jakob Böttcher of Kaiserslautern Express said. "Do you see Osayamen Osawe filling that role?"

"I do."

"Follow up," Böttcher continued. "Even though his record doesn't indicate he scores that much at all?"

"I see a player who is scary fast, composed on the ball, makes good runs off the ball, and is very athletic," I replied. "Furthermore, Ulf Kirsten thinks he'll do well. I don't know about you, but I trust Ulf's input and I think he'll be a dangerous threat for us."

"Are you going to change your style of play or formation to accomodate Osawe?" Carre asked.

"No, he'll slot in perfectly. He's an ideal fit."

"What do you see as Osawe's best position?" Niklas Boll of Kicker asked.

"Seriously, Niklas?" I said. "He's forward, man. Figure it out. Next question, please."

"Do you think you have too many players up front?" Boll asked.

"No."

"Would you care to expand, say more?" Boll followed up.

"Sure, I guess. Kiprit and Huth are experienced pros. Saydou Bangura is a prospect with great potential. I needed a fourth option. Osawe is my man."

"Osawe, Lukimya, and Hempel join what is already a large squad for the third league," Carre said. "How can the club afford such a big squad with all of the well-documented financial problems?"

"I would never do anything to risk the clubs finances or future," I replied. "I have a budget. These three men are high quality, experienced players that we can afford."

Then the three journalists turned their attention to the new signings. They asked the usual questions and the players gave the accepted bulls*** responses they'd been instructed to give.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

We were all up early for a four and a half hour bus ride up to Meppen. We arrived in plenty of time for our 2pm kick off.

Teenager Gibs replaced Herscher at left back, Lukimya and Osawe make their debuts. I told Kenny Redondo to play as a right winger as their left back was slow. I told my players we should be winning this match. They all nodded.

We started off on the front foot and in the 13th minute Muhammed Kiprit headed the ball into an open net after they're keeper misjudged captain Jean Zimmer's cross. Sadly the asistant ref raised her flag. Apparently, Kiprit was offiside.

Redondo played a ball over the top in the 18th minute but Kiprit's sublime over-the-shoulder control and finish was for naught because he was about 5m offside.

I began to wonder if we were going to have another match of firing blanks.

In the 20th minute, Rene Klingenburg chipped a ball into the path of Kiprit. This time he was on side. Unfortunately, this time he hit the post.

I turned to the bench. Everyone was off the bench in that particular agony in which you were about to celebrate but now can't.

"It's coming," Ulf said as I walked over to the bench to get a drink of water.

It happened again in the 21st minute.

This time Marlon Ritter sent Kenny Redondo in on goal.

Kenny froze the keeper with a shoulder feint then passed the ball ...

... against the post.

I found myself on my knees with my head in my hands.

The footballing gods were not smiling upon us today.

From the following thrown in, captain Zimmer whipped in another cross, their keeper mishandled it as Kiprit challenged him for the high ball and the ball fell to Ritter.

Thankfully, Marlon side-footed it into the back of the net.

I was engulfed by a wave of players and coaches.

Phew.

0-1

In the 34th minute, Redondo blew past the Meppen right back. The poor guy did they only thing he could do to stop him, grabbed his shirt.

"THAT'S YELLOW, THAT'S YELLOW" I screamed at the ref. Instead he just jogged over and sprayed for the free kick.

"He grabbed his shirt after Redondo was past him," I said to the fourth official. "How is that not a yellow card?"

The fourth official ignored me. Ritter placed the ball and Meppen formed their wall.

Tweet.

Ritter ran up and hit a curling ball over the wall. Would it dip? Yes. Enough? Yes.

Yet again I was engulfed in the celebration.

Ritter ran to the corner where the Roten Teufels celebrated.

0-2

Just after the restart, teenager Gibs curled in a high cross. Their keeper fumbled it and I thought for sure the Kiprit would be able to use his left foot to score from a tight angle, but he decide not to.

Instead he fed a pass back and out left to Osayamen Osawe who fed Redondo who side-footed our third past their sprawling keeper.

0-3

They scored in the 60th minute but it turned out to be only a consolation goal. Klingenburg had his shot blocked and the ball fell to a Meppen midfielder. He turned and lobbed a pass over the top of our central defenders Boris Tomiak and Lukimya. Tomiak was slow to react and Lukimya wasn't close enough so their striker was in on goal. He rounded Avdo Spahic and rolled the ball into our net.

Not much happened after that, thankfully.

 

[Sam91]

Great win that!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

“Jörg,” I said. He grunted. “Let’s step out for a moment. I have a personal question for you.” We stepped out of the team room into the hallway. “It occurred to me that the boys would all be drinking on the drive home. So I sent out Ayaz (the kit man) to check and there are several cases of beer on the bus. Is that a problem?”

He shook his head no.

“No seriously, man,” I continued. “I know you’re sober. It doesn’t make … I don’t know … make you nervous, bother you, or something?”

“Thanks, Enrico,” Jörg replied. “Been sober a while, have no desire to go back to that. Its no problem.”

“Okay, I just wanted to be sure.”

“Thanks.”

"If its ever a problem, like you don't want to be around it for whatever reason, you'll let me know, right?"

He grunted.

We stepped back in.

“Alright, alright!” I said over the chatter which ended promptly.. “Nicely done. Nicely done. I’m really happy with your performance today. That was a good win.”

“Now we have a few things to establish since this is our first real away match,” I continued. “First, there is beer on the bus.” Cheers. “If we lose on the road, no beer. Okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Captain Zimmer said over the grumbling. “It’ll be added motivation.”

The players all nodded in agreement.

“Alright, that’s settled,” I said. “Next we have to decide who are the bus DJs. We need a main DJ and a backup.”

There was chatter then keeper Avdo Spahic raised his hand. Then there was applause.

“Zuck is my backup,” Avdo said.

Hendrick Zuck acknowledged the applause.

“Alright, that’s settled,” I said. “Get showered and lets get on the bus and go home. Ritter, no shower, yet. You’re with me.”

We exited to talk to the press.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 4 August 2021

4:41pm

I heard the automated front gate open. I got up off the couch leaving my iPad. The scouting reports would wait. The taxi was pulling to a stop as I stepped out the front door.

The driver nodded to me as he got out. He opened the back door and Matthew was out like greyhound out of the gate. He launched himself at me from two strides away. I caught him in a bear hug.

“Hey buddy,” I said as I straightened up. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

Gwen helped Allison out of the taxi as I walked up. Allison wobbled over and I picked her up, too.

“Hiya, Allie!”

“Daddy faddy chicken patty,” she burbled.

I gave her a great big smooch on the cheek which she returned. The driver unloaded the bags and Gwen signed for the ride and thanked the driver.

“So good to be home,” she said. She managed to get her face in between the kids and gave me a kiss. “So good.”

“How was your flight?” I said as I set the kids down.

“I watched Zootopia!” Matthew exclaimed. “Well some of it they turned it off cuz turned it off cuz they had to land.”

“You’ve only watched that a million times,” I said. He nodded.

“Good to be home and get back to the regular drama instead of the modeling melodrama,” Gwen said as she reached for some bags.

“No don’t, I’ll get them,” I said. I set the kids down and slung the two backpacks, picked up a bag and dragged the other two.

“Two suitcases and two backpacks of toys and games and books,” Gwen said. “One suitcase of clothes. Egads. How my traveling has changed.”

“Great to see you,” I said. “You gave Elke some time off after this?”

“Poor thing,” she said as she held the door for me. “A week. She is a legend. She not only managed them.” She nodded towards our offspring. “But fixed several crises some of which were not of our own making. The suite they gave us smelled like smoke. So did the second one. Allie lost Gobbie Hommie twice and she tracked it down each time. Several of the support people all came down with Covid and were rather sick so she ended up coordinating catering.”

“You know they all get more mental every shoot,” she said as she held the door for me and the kids. “You would imagine I would get used to it. Now it just seems that my kids are more reasonable and more mature than those anorexic skeletons with eyeshadow. Egads.”

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Werder Bremen drove down into the Rhineland-Palatinate for the DFB Pokal in scorching Qatar-like heat. Nobody gave us a chance as Werder's squad was mostly the same one that had competed in the Bundesliga last season. Our only chance was that these same players had just gotten relegated and hopefully hadn't had enough of a preseason to get over last season's failure.

We spent the opening 20 minutes in our half, defending desperately.

We finally managed to get our of our half in the 27th minute. Our midfield maestro Marlon Ritter lofted a long, crossfield pass for our speedy winger Kenny Redondo to run onto.

Kenny headed it into the path of Muhammed Kiprit.

He flicked it past the stranded Werder keeper.

"Sweet Mary Mother of God!" I screamed in Italian.

I was engulfed by the wave of players and coaches from the bench.

First venture forward, first goal.

1-0

Werder kept the ball in our half for the remainder of the half. Keeper Avdo Spahit kept the defense organized, made a few decent saves and Werder were very wayward. I couldn't believe we'd made it into Die Kabine leading.

The second half began as the first had ended. Werder played better and Spahit made a series of saves to preserve our lead.

In the 64th minute we brought the ball upfield from our own goal kick and decamped in their half. The Roten Teufels roared us forward.

We strung together some twenty five passes or so before Rene Klingenburg decided he'd had enough of the whole passing the ball around thing and unleashed a pile driver shot towards the upper corner of the net. The Werder keeper got fingertips to it and tipped it onto the post.

I was beginning to believe that we might actually win this cup tie. We had a series of corner's following Klingenburg's thunder strike and really had Werder on their heels.

Werder eventually broke out of their half, but they didn't seem like a confident side who were about to push aside their lowly opponents and stroll to victory.

Next time upfield, Captain Jean Zimmer, Klingenburg and Redondo were working hard to create a crossing opportunity.

It eventually fell to Redondo.

His cross found Osayamen Osawe wide open at the second post.

The Werder keeper made a stupendous diving save to claw away my Englishmen's goalbound header.

So close from making this a comfortable victory.

That comfort came in the 79th minute.

Captain Zimmer played a ball into the box for Redondo.

Redondo ran onto the pass but was covered by the left back and supporting central defender.

At this point the fullback lost his mind. Redondo was contained and looked up to check if Zimmer was a passing option. The Werder fullback went through Redondo in a fruitless attempt to get the ball.

Redondo fell screaming.

The Westkurz all screamed "PENALTY" in unison.

And the ref pointed to the spot.

Kiprit walked over amidst the Werder player protests and scooped up the ball.

He sent the keeper the wrong way.

Werder wilted in the extreme heat. They had nothing left. The Westkurz celebrated a unexpected victory!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 9 August 2021

9am

“How was your day off,” I said as I sat down with my espresso. They all politely waited for me to take my first sip. "Ahhh, better."

There were a chorus of goods and excellents and a positive sounding grunt from Jörg after i'd had my sip.

“We have a short day today since the players have two days off,” I said. “I just want to go over the next steps on how we implement the system. Just to make sure everyone’s clear on everything. But lets start with ATK, anything to report?”

“Kenny’s ankle is sore from that tackle,” Head Physio Agnieszka Tobiasz-Kollodziej replied. “He’s currently in the cryo-tub and we’ll tape him as a precautionary measure. Kevin Kraus is also sitting in a cry-tub right now as well. He was cramping pretty bad in the heat yesterday. The rest of the crampers just had normal cramping for mid-30s playing conditions. Julien Niehues had a nasty bruise on his shin, but I gave him icing instructions and told him to call me if he doesn’t feel better today. That’s it.”

“Good to hear,” I said. “Wonderful news.”

“I’m going to head back over,” ATK said. She left to a chorus of goodbyes. She flipped us the bird over her shoulder.

“Alright, so let’s talk about the match,” I said.

Jörg, Wimmer and Frank just shrugged.

“That loss is going to sting for a while,” Ulf said. “But I wouldn’t put much into it. We just met a good squad that is severely lacking in confidence.”

“Its a very different challenge than we’ll face on most weekends, anyways,” Filip Trojan added.

“That’s also why I’ve called you in for own training session,” I added. “I liked how we dictated the game during the sixtieth to seventieth minute on Saturday. It really sapped all the energy from them. That’s when we won the match. I want to go over a few details so that our training emphasizes our off-the-ball positioning. I want us to work harder as a team to get into good passing positions when we have the ball. This correlates to how we defend. Its the same kind of working harder.”

“Alright, Florian, how tough are our next opponents?” I asked.

“They would be in the not much category,” Florian replied. “FC Viktoria 1899 Berlin have been in the regional semi-professional leagues for their entire history. Last year they won the Regional Division Northeast. So far they’ve won and lost in their first two matches. Interestingly enough, the scored in their win and gave up one in their loss.”

“They play a compact four-two-three-one. They’ve brought in a bunch of free signings in hopes of staying up. They just might. They’ve got speedy wingers and a big center forward. We are somewhat lucky as their speedy Brazilian forward or attacking midfielder is out hurt. They’re xG in their first two matches is 0.83 and 0.40 respectively. They didn’t create much of anything in their loss, their second match away to Braunschweig.”

“Do you think they’ll try to play more open, more attack-minded since they’ll be at home?” I asked.

“I hope so,” he replied. “We should be able to hurt them on the counter.”

“Thanks Florian,” I said as I rose. “Shall we head out to the pitches?”

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 14 August 2021

9am

"F***," Jörg yelled at the last stragglers. 'Get on the f***ing bus."

Ayaz The Kit Man finished loading our gear underneath and we werre off to Berlin. I brought along ‘Stillness and Speed’ by Dennis Bergkamp to read. For the first hour, DJ Avdo spun trance, trip hop and ska. Then everybody put on their headphones or put in their earbuds and we settled in for the long drive to Berlin.

My reading was interrupted at 3pm for the DFB Pokal draw for the second round. I’d brought my laptop and our resident IT expert and teenager Neal Gibs got it connected to the buses TVs.

“Ooooh,” everyone said as Hoffenheim drew Hamburg.

“Whoahhhhh,” everyone exclaimed as Augsburg hosted Leipzig in this round's first all Bundesliga clash.

And then Kaiserslautern were drawn. We’d be at home. The bus became silent.

“Please be Bayern or Dortmund,” I prayed as I crossed both sets of fingers.

“STUTTGART!!!” Everyone roared as our neighborly rivals were drawn against us.

This would be a huge gate for us. We sure as f*** needed the euros in the bank, that’s for d@mn sure.

Bochum hosted my old club Eintracht Frankfurt, Dortmund visited Sandhausen but the most intriguing match was 1860 München hosted Bayern in a München derby. 1860 were in the 3.Liga, but who cares. That would be a great spectacle even if Bayern have a 99.9% chance of winning.

Moments later the text came through that our second round match would Wednesday 27 October.

At the hotel, we all watched next weekend's opponents 1860 München in the Türkgücü München in the lesser München derby.

Türkgücü took and early lead but were pegged back before halftime. Türkgücü took the lead again in the 73rd and 1860 were lucky to score an extra time equalizer to share the points. We'd work on our set pieces next week as 1860 were quite vulnerable defending them.