Friday, 9 July 2021
11am
“Well if it isn’t the infamous Enrico Pucci,” Rainer Keßler said offering a handshake. He’s chairman.
“Nice to meet you,” I replied, smiled and shook. “I’m glad my reputation proceeds me.”
“I’m Thomas,” Thomas Hengen said as we shook hands. He’s the Technical Director. “I’m both pleased and surprised you’re willing to talk to us.”
“I’m Soeren Voigt,” said the third man. He’s the Managing Director. “I always thought you were bigger.”
“Ah, ja, nice to meet you,” I replied as we shook hands. “Those camera angles are so flattering. No, seriously. My video guy at Lazio pulled together a mashup of my behavior on the sidelines. It was very informative. Gut in, chin out and they’ll always take that flattering, upward shot of you.”
“As far as I remember, you were borderline criminal your entire career,” Hengen said as we stood awkwardly in the lobby. This is how they break the ice? Okay. “I caught a few of your matches on the TV back in the day.”
“I can’t dispute that,” I said. “I did everything I could to make up for my inadequacies.”
“I don’t know about that,” Hengen replied. “You ran the midfield pretty well. You could play a pretty pass.”
“Why thank you,” I said.
“Shall we go into the board room?” Keßler said. I followed Hengen in.
“So what do you think of Germany?” Hengen asked as we sat. “I mean you’ve stayed after Eintracht.”
“Ja, its good,” I said. “I’m anonymous here and so’s my wife. She’s a model, you know. No anonymity for us in England or Italy anymore.”
“Why Eintracht?” Hengen asked.
“They called,” I replied. “Lazio just didn’t pan out. I was really frustrated. I’d gotten the players I wanted, asked for. Beautiful apartment with a view in the hills plus it was near the training ground. Everything just seemed set to hoist the Scudetto. I guess I thought a change of scenery would do me good. I arrogantly thought I was primed for glory.”
“Your German is rather good,” Voigt said. “You’ve only been here three years, ja?”
“Ja and thanks,” I said. “Honestly, I just stumbled into a really great class. Maybe I have a talent for languages, I guess. I did study hard. I don’t know, this is my fourth language.”
“Well we are really pleased you’re here,” Keßler said. “Wouldn’t this be a step down for you?”
I told them how Gwen booted me out of the house and exiled me to the Arctic Circle to hike the Kungsleden. I explained how I’d thought everything over. I explained how much fun I’d had with Wimbledon after they rescued me from the Spanish El Segundo. How rebuilding Bologna was an amazing rollercoaster ride. How I really preferred type two fun.
“Sorry, what is this type two fun?” Keßler asked.
“Oh type two fun may not be fun while its happening but in retrospect you realize it was a blast,” I replied. “Like hiking for fifteen days in the Arctic Circle. Like dragging a club like Kaiserslautern up through the leagues back to where it belongs.”
They all nodded and smiled.
“First, I just want to say that I want to stay in football,” I said. “I still think I have what it takes to be a manager. I’m desperate to prove I still have it.”
“You think you can get the club promoted on very tight finances?” Voigt said. “I don’t want you to think you can buy promotion. If you want to change the personnel …” He trailed off.
“The big clubs are always releasing players that could tear up the lower leagues and get noticed,” I said. “The trick is convincing them to do it. I think I’m pretty persuasive and I’ve done it at Cadiz, Wimbledon, and Bologna.”
“Talk to me about club culture,” Hengen said. “What do you think you’d bring to the changing room?”
“Hristo Stoichkov’s mantra was ‘mas fuerte,’ work harder,” I said. “He was incredibly gifted and yet never let anyone outwork him. I think that’s Catalan, but maybe Spanish. I don’t know really. But I remember seeing an interview and him talking about work ethic. You play the way you train. Train hard, play hard. It pays off. It did for me. You may think I was a talented midfielder, Thomas, but I didn’t. I knew I had to work harder than anyone. So I did. I’ll bring that to your club. Your current crop haven’t tasted what its like to play top league football, face the living gods of the game. I know what its like, I know what it takes. I know the kind of desperation it takes to succeed.”
“Talk about desperation more,” Thomas said.
“Take Luis Suarez,” I said. “He is so desperate to succeed, he’ll do anything. Obviously, the whole biting thing with Chiellini was his desperation taken to an extreme. That and Chiellini is a master of the dark arts and I’m sure he was winding Suarez up. Anyways, Suarez has always seen each chance to score, each defender to beat as what’s standing in the way of him escaping poverty in Uruguay. Each duel is life and death. He isn’t just chasing a through ball, he’s being chased by death with the reward of life and untold riches awaiting him if he scores. Each defender wants to send him back to poverty.”
“Sure there are plenty of guys in the top leagues who are so gifted its disgusting,” I continued. “Some of them are my friends even. But I’m just a kid from the Washington DC who grabbed his chance and worked harder than anyone.”
Thomas nodded that i should continue.
“I’m going to guess that most of your players failed out of a big club’s academy or never got a chance with a big club,” I said. “The only difference between me and them is that the first choice defensive midfielder was out injured and the back up was suspended and the center back who could step in had to play at the back due to other injuries and all the other midfielders were too artistic and the reserve team defensive midfielder had blown his chance so they had no choice but to take a risk on the acne-scarred American kid. I grabbed my opportunity as I knew I wasn’t going to get a second chance. That’s a chip on their shoulders I think I can exploit. Even better if they got their chance and blew it or didn’t impress. I think its a matter of finding the right way to wind up each player so that they’ll run through walls to score that late equalizer or protect a lead.”
“Hah!” Hengen laughed. “I’ve always thought the Italian clubs relied on their academies.”
“Yeah, they do,” I said. “But I saw the writing on the wall. Maybe I was hallucinating from the acne meds they had me on, but I wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass me by. I jumped to the line to the front, knocked a few complacent adults out of my way. I’ve always been like that.”
Hengen was snickering and trying to hide it behind the water bottle he’d raised to his lips.
“Klose told me he was something, Rainer,” Hengen said after he’d taken a sip. That would be former German international and living legend Miroslav Klose who I’d managed at Lazio and who broke through at Kaiserslautern. “What have you learned from Lazio and your time at Eintracht?”
“Building a playing system that accounts for mistakes and acts of genius,” I replied. “No coach can account for the thirty meter free kick a dead ball specialist curls into the upper corner. You couldn’t defend against Messi in his prime or against Mo Salah right now. But you can build a system that accounts for the typical kinds of mistakes players make, train the players how to avoid the common ones and make teams beat you with luck or brilliance.”
The three of them looked at each other.
“The reason I’d get your club into the Bundesliga is you’re not going to face many game changers in these lower divisions,” I continued. “A system that reduces mistakes and only concedes lucky goals wins clubs promotion.”
“Okay, what about the offense?” Voigt asked. I nodded to indicate I was about to get there. Then I looked at Hengen. Did he smirk? Did he know where I was going?
“Its just in inverse of how my squads defend,” I explained. “Wherever the ball is on the pitch when the opposition has it, my system guarantees they’ve got to get past three, four even five players before our last line of defense the keeper. So I run an offense that works to create overloads and exploit the common mistakes that most teams make. There are always soft points. The trick is to get your players to play the ball quickly to find the seams, force the defending team to overcompensate and make mistakes. I’m always shocked by how much ball watching goes on even at the top levels. How many runs from deep go unnoticed.”
“Primarily, that’s what I’ve been thinking about since Eintracht Frankfurt sacked me,” I said. “I’ve been watching a ton of matches in my free time and pondering. I think I’ve thought about it enough. I think I’m ready to put it into action.”
“So a year of pondering?” Hengen said.
“Ja, I replied.
“Ja, I think this concludes your interview,” Keßler said.
“Shall we tour the facilities?” Voigt said, pushing his chair back and rising.