GK: Manuel Almunia
DR: Gary Neville
DL: Phil Neville
DC: Titus Bramble
DC: Emile Heskey
In Almunia, we have a keeper who knows how to save shots, but sometimes chooses not to. At least when he lets goals in the fans can have some comic relief, when another keeper makes a mistake, everyone gets cross at him, but when Almunia has another howler then shrugs his shoulders and looks at you with his silly Spanish face, you cannot help but love him, a shoe-in.
Gary and Phil Neville at full backs speak for themselves. I've gone for the 'lack-of-pace' approach, their lack of ability will draw the opposition into a false sense ofsecurity, at which point Phil will tee up Gary for a 35 yard back-heel volley in the 98th minute which will catch the other team's keeper off guard and sail into the top corner, and their brotherly communication skills, general uglyness and random bursts of shouting will help the team no-ends.
Some people may raise their eyebrows at my decision to put Emile Heskey at centre-back, but with the mighty Titus Bramble at his side, I may just have found Heskey's zenith. Here, I will use Heskey to challenge for aerial balls with the idea of the big man using his condor-esque jumping to win it in the air and employ his trademark 'flick-on' to knock the ball forward to the midfielders. Bramble will be there to nurture Heskey and break him into the defense, any newcomer to the world of defending needs a cool head like Titus along side, the perfect defender to keep his head in those sticky situations.
DM: Lee Cattermole
DM: Nigel de Jong
MC: Rory de Lap
Here is a midfield that no team would look forward to facing. The ferocious duo of Lee Clatter-into-your-legs-mole and Nigel de(capitating) Jong will strike fear (and in de Jong's case, his boot) into the hearts of opposition players. If any cocky dribbler who believes in that bullshit called 'ball control' manages to get past the scything lunges of Cattermole, de Jong will be there, ready to falcon kick them in the chest, not a chance of getting past this pair, son. Playing against these 2 would be like trying to drive an Austin Metro on an ice rink filled with speeding lorries; sooner or later, someone's gonna get hurt and it sure as **** ain't gonna be them.
In Rory Delap, we have the creative hub of the team, a man whose sheer range of punts is a struggle for any defence to cope with, I have visions of Rory picking up the ball in the centre-circle, hoofing it in the air and seeing Heskey bombing forward on the overlap, ready for that all important flick-on, what a treat. I would also intend to utilise his long throwing ability to win numerous NBA titles on the side.
AMR: Shaun Wright-Phillips
AML: Saloman Kalou
FC: Dirk Kuyt
Wright-Phillips. What a guy. He will bring so much to the team, his ability to pick up the ball in a promising position and run it towards the corner flag is simply unsurpassed. I envisage this team being a goal ahead late on in many games, at which point Heskey et al will simply knock the ball to Wright-Phillips and he will run with it aimlessly until full-time, cracking stuff.
In Kalou, we have a winger who seems to do nothing short of **** all, and that's just what this team needs. With the endeavour which will doubtless be put in by the rest of the side, we could really do with someone who just minces about until the ball falls at his feet 3 yards away from goal, he will also bring an extra element of flair to the team and his natural swagger will delight the fans as he flamboyantly strolls down the touchline as the rest of the team is defending a corner.
Kuyt will be the goals of the team. With the quality of players in the team, I expect the defenders and midfielders to chip in with a fair few goals, but Kuyt will be the cutting edge. His composure infront of goal is an asset that the likes of Messi and Drogba wish they had, if they had the nerve of Kuyt they would be 5-goal-a-season players, but, alas, not all of us can be blessed with the finesse of Kuyt. The lad's better at poaching than David Attenborough in the Savannah and can be relied upon to hit the target almost as much as Ray Charles, truly the jewel in the crown of this wonderful team.