I've just had my own Agueroooo moment! Albeit at the other end of the table.
The context: Having achieved the miracle of taking Joinville from the Brazilian third division to the first in back-to-back promotions, my main hope this season was not to do a Derby County. After all, we're facing the likes of Santos, Internacional and Sao Paulo - it's 2032 so they're full of super Brazilian regens. And I have a team of free transfers hardly any of which are on more than £5k a week. My entire wage budget - £73k a week - is less than Internacional spend on a single player. Somehow, we spend most of the season in lower mid-table, and get some famous victories over Santos, Atletico Mineiro and Cruzeiro, but a couple of poor runs sees us finally slip into the bottom 4 on the final day. Either us, Atletico Paranense or Nautico are going down. But Paranense and Nautico are playing each other, so if we win, we stay up.
Our opposition for this make-or-break game are Avai, who should be beatable. They aren't great, they've astonishingly not won since they last played us four months ago (though being the division's draw specialists has made them safe) and we're at home. The problem is that Avai and their manager F---ing Robinho have beaten us on a regular basis in the big games, both in the league and the Santa Catarina championship. In the three years I've managed them we've won 1, drawn 3, lost 7 (counting two-legged ties as one), but that doesn't adequately describe the humiliation of being repeatedly gubbed by three goals by F---ing Robinho.
We concede on 19 minutes. But after 37 minutes our high pressing drags it back to 2-1. And on 45 minutes, joy of joys - they have a man sent off after he lunges at Malian midfield dynamo Drissa Traore while on a yellow. I take off a left-back and put on aging left-winger Everton Caetano to stretch the play. They inevitably make it 2-2 with a simple poorly defended cross from our left flank (great substitution, genius), then 2-3 with a penalty following a corner.
At 87 mins, it's pure desperation. Both the men with assists are off, replaced by mercurial loan striker Rafael Cesar, and 16-year-old wonderkid Laurici Porto. Desperation is the word - he may be an exciting young talent but the only assist he's managed in his regular cameos was to the other side. But what's this? A cross from the right sails over everyone's heads, and Everton Caetano volleys it beautifully past the near post! My substitution worked! Eventually! I'm a football genius! One more goal and we're safe!
90+3 mins: It's been a great run for Joinville, who have surprised us all this season, but surely, surely, it's coming to an end now. Lumped forward by Neto, Caetano heads into midfield. Traore picks up. Porto. Porto with a lovely reverse ball, Vega can't keep hold of it, played forward by Jales... TRAOR-RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE! I swear you'll never see anything like this ever again! So watch it! Drink it in! Two goals in the last five minutes, to keep Joinville up! Traore ran past Vega expecting the pass which didn't come, but he does well to stay onside, it fell to Jales who saw the run, and scooped a delightful ball into his path. Traore gets a bit of luck, it'***** straight at the keeper but he can't keep it out, and you can't say he doesn't deserve it. What a match! Joinville weren't just certainties to go down, they were certainties to finish bottom - but they've defied the odds, and they'll do it all again next year!
Let's just not mention that during this fairy tale season, we broke the Brazilian record for worst discipline, smashing prissy goody-two-shoes Atletico Mineiro's 69 yellows and 8 reds with a stonking 85 yellows and 3 reds. The boys showed spirit and willingness to fight, and I won't apologise for that. Ever.