The Alfa Romeo Metaphor

Sunday, 27 September 2015 9:00am

As I pulled into the parking lot at King's College London's New Malden facility, I saw a person get out of their car and towards my car. This person screamed reporter. A phone call isn't good enough? And where the **** were the regular reporters who covered the lower leagues? I drove around the parking lot a bit just to be a ****.

As I got out of the car, I saw the Guardian logo emblazoned on his windbreaker.

"Sweet Mary Mother of God why can't you just call?" I bellowed as I got out of the Alfa. "Every reporter that covers the lower leagues has it. What's with you paparazzi anyway?"

"Matt Jenkins with the Guardian," he said tentatively extending out his digital recorder but so fast that I might swat it away. "I have source that told me that ..."

"Nope, I asked two questions first," I said. "You answer my questions first."

I crossed my arms.

"Um what?" Jenkins asked.

I tapped my wrist to indicate I didn't have all day.

"Sorry, what questions?" he asked.

"Why the **** can't you just call?" I repeated.

"I ... uh ... don't have your mobile," Jenkins stammered.

"So you've been waiting out here for what, an hour now?" I asked. "Just to jump in my face with questions I've answered dozens of times already? Don't you read your competition? Why don't you talk to the guy, I can't remember his name right this second, who covers the lower leagues for the Guardian?"

Jenkins just looked at me baffled.

"Okay, so what's the deal with you paparazzi anyway?" I asked. "Alright, fine. Here's your quote. Now shove that thing up my nose like the rest of your paparazzi friends do so you record all the words."

"I'll be signing a new contract with my current club," I said in Italian. "Furthermore, I'm looking for a new, bigger apartment."

Jenkins just looked at me even more baffled than before. I stomped off toward the entrance of New Malden.

'Swede Jebus they can't finish the construction of the new parking lot soon enough,' I thought to myself. We were just a couple of weeks away from completion of all the upgrades to New Malden. One of those upgrades is a secured entrance to the parking lot.

I whipped out my mobile and texted Erik that we needed to hire someone from the Wombles Watch as a security guard to keep the parking lot secure.
 
Monday, 28 September 2015 9AM

I shook hands with Nigel Higgs, Dickie Guy, Ivor Heller and Erik Samuelson. These men make up the Don's Trust Board that oversee the operation of the club. I had requested this formal meeting because I wanted to demand one change prior to negotiating my new contract: I wanted the wage ceiling increased. I was going to need to extend a few players and I'd need some wiggle room so that I could offer them higher wages if they demanded it. The ceiling was currently 28K per week and I was currently spending just over 31K.

"Well, let's get started," Erik said and hit play on the digital recording device we use for formal meetings. "First of all we're delighted that you want to sign an extension. Since you've asked for this meeting, what would you like changed about your role or the vision of the club?"

"I'd like to suggest an alteration to the wage budget," I said.

"Okay," Erik said. "The current ceiling is twenty eight thousand and you're roughly three thousand over that. Since our pre-season brought in so much cash, we've got the money to increase the ceiling. What's your rationale for raising it?"

"I'm going to have to extend a few contracts before January and I'd like the flexibility to bring in another player in January if I feel there is a need," I said. "I just don't want to start negotiations only to realize that I can't offer a current player a higher wage or a new signing something that would tempt him to join us."

"Duly noted," Erik said. "Are there any other items you would like to discuss?"

"Nope," I replied.

"Since you're willing to extend your contract in the face of all these clubs that reportedly want you, we're happy to raise the wage ceiling," Erik said and slid a folder across the table to me. "Essentially, this is merely a raise. Your rent and car maintenance deals remain. Please take a minute to review it."

I looked it over. They were offering a 100 pound per week raise. I kept a straight face. Also reduced was the promotion bump. Previously, I had a 30% increase if I got the team promoted. This offer only had 10%. Did they think I wouldn't get them promoted? Or were they just being cheap? They most likely don't realize that this offer is insulting. But I really like it here and I'm sticking around until something big comes along.

"First off," I said when I finished looking it over. "Gwen and I are closing on a new flat. After the incident, she doesn't want to stay there. I'm sure you understand. We're closing on a flat with underground parking and solid security. What I'm saying is the free rent deal is no longer a bonus for me."

"Secondly," I continued. "My salary is way below my fellow League One managers. And thirdly, because I realize that keeping salaries in check is foremost in your mindset, I would like the promotion bump to be 30% like it has been. I can lead this team to the Championship where I'll be the lowest paid manager by a factor of five to ten. So I want 1500 pounds per week and the promotion bump of 30%."

I asked for 1500, which is still low, because it wouldn't **** them off and because I figured I could get 1300 out of them. Just so you know, At 1300 I'd leap upward and become the second lowest paid manager in League One.

"That's a larger increase than we're willing to pay," Erik said. "We could pay 1200 and a 15% wage bump."

"You all know I really, genuinely love this club," I said. "Otherwise, I'd be talking to Doncaster and Ipswich or I'd have listened to the offer I receiving to manage a club 40 kilometers outside of Rome. Yeah, that one didn't make the papers. You all know how much revenue we're generating with all these pre-season friendlies and weren't we just discussing how a wage ceiling increase wasn't a big deal because of the cash we're sitting on? Well, I'm the one generating all that cash and I'm the guy that can lead this club to the promised land."

View attachment 346734"1400 and 30% for the bump," I concluded.

"1300 and 20%?" Erik said sheepishly.

"I'll sign that contract," I said.

And with that we all stood up, shook hands and I went off to review match videos on my iPad at New Malden prior to the players arriving at noon.
 
Spent around the last few days reading this story all the way through bit by bit, it's amazing! I'm as entertained and excited by Enrico's personal life as I am by his Wimbledon are doing, and that's a testament to your excellent writing. Keep up the spiffing work you are doing!
 
OlliLFC said:
Spent around the last few days reading this story all the way through bit by bit, it's amazing! I'm as entertained and excited by Enrico's personal life as I am by his Wimbledon are doing, and that's a testament to your excellent writing. Keep up the spiffing work you are doing!
Click to expand...

Thank you very much!
 
Kingston-Upon-Thames derby: AFC Wimbledon v. Kingstonian FC

View attachment 346658I lined up Kingstonian FC for our Tuesday friendly. For those of you not in the know, they are the former owners of Kingsmeadow. When AFC Wimbledon rose from the ashes of the FA allowing the Norwegian owners to move the club to Milton Keynes, Wimbledon joined the Premier Division of the Combined County Leagues and ground-shared with Kingstonian. When Kingstonian hit financial troubles in 2003 following relegation from the Conference, Wimbledon purchased the ground so that both clubs would be more secure.

This is the last season that we'll ground share, so this is also the final Kingston-Upon-Thames derby.

We dominated possession but couldn't convert it into goals until late in the first half. Thankfully, Matteo Nole scored. Maybe now he might score in a match that mattered.

Jim Fenlon was the best player today, but it was a pretty uninspiring performance.
 
Wednesday, 30 September 2015 11:30am

"Enrico, a word," Coach Brian Carey said popping his head into the small conference room where we coaches meet. I was reviewing the training schedule for today.

"Of course, what's up?" I said.

"I want to sign up for a training course to get my Continental B License," he said. "How do I go about that?"

"Email Erik and cc me," I said. "We'll pay for it."

"Great, thanks," he said.
 
League One: Cheltenham Town FC v. AFC Wimbledon

View attachment 346549We took the bus west into Gloucestershire. The weather was great in the morning and it looked like it would be a fabulous day, weather-wise. Cheltenham have been sliding steadily down the table after getting off to a great start. They're winless in their last three. They played Portsmouth (3-0 away loss), Ipswich (1-1 away draw) and Leyton Orient (3-0 away loss) during this stretch. So they're probably glad to be home and hoping for a good performance today.

We know them from last season and we're catching them at a good time when their confidence isn't the highest.

Cameron Dummigan gets rested today so the fullbacks are Jim Fenlon and Brad Smith. George Francomb still needs to find his shooting boots so he'll be looking for them from the bench. Plus, maybe it's Matteo Nole's day to score!?! Jason Banton switches to the right. I decided to roll with Lovers up top. Maybe Michael Smith off the bench will cause some mayhem.

I would just like to say, right off the bat, that I really hate the long throw. Cheltenham have two players who can heave it 40 to 50 yards. So nearly every throw in our half becomes a set piece. They chucked 5 into our box in the first 5 minutes.

Andrea Sbraga is 6'4", Manny Smith is 6'3" and I played Steven Gregory who is 6'1" to deal with the heaving. Cheltenham aren't going to rank very highly in terms of beauty but at least we'll get lots of heading practice today.

In the 26th minute, Sbraga got carded for a foul on Terry Gornell about 35 yards out. Fullback Matt Richards lobbed a high ball into the mixer and Daniel Lincoln managed to punch the ball out for a corner in heavy traffic.

From the resulting corner, striker Glenn Murray got free from Manny Smith at the near post but thankfully his header went just high.

In the 33rd minute, Leandro Depetris slipped a pass behind the left back and Jason Banton caught him ball-watching. With only the keeper to beat, he shot wide of the far post.

Then Cheltenham took the ball downfield and bombarded our penalty area with a bunch of long heave throws and several corners.

In the 40th minute, Nole raced down the left flank, right past the fullback and whipped in a near post cross. James Loveridge met it with a glancing header that gave the keeper no chance.

0-1

We stole the ball back pretty quickly after the restart and kept the ball in the Town half. But in the 43rd minute, a clearance turned into a chance. I'm sure that whomever hoofed it forward will claim they intended to drop it over Sbraga's head but too far out for Lincoln to come out and keeper-sweep it away, but judging by their previous clearances, I think they just got lucky.

Murray gambled that it would go over Sbraga's head and he found himself in alone on Lincoln. Manny Smith and Jim Fenlon were racing back to try and shut him down so Murray didn't have the option of rounding the keeper. He decided to go with power.

He absolutely crushed the shot. All Lincoln had time to do was look over his shoulder after the ball was past him. Lincoln was shocked to see the ball coming right back at him off the crossbar. He barely had time to spin and catch.

But thankfully, he did.

I told them at half time to keep it up. We were dominating the possession and only had to defend occasionally stretches of aerial bombardment.

Lovers nearly iced the game directly from the kick-off. Leandro sent a ball into the right channel, but the angle wasn't great. Lovers decided to shoot with power and his howitzer was aimed just a tinch too high.

We continued to keep possession. Town barely got a sniff of it. When they did, it was usually a hoofed clearance.

View attachment 346555 In the 59th minute, Lovers forced a very impressive double save out of their keeper. From the resulting corner, Leandro played it out to the top of the box for Jason. They blocked his shot and they cleared. Everything would have been fine except Brad's control abandoned him. The ball bounced off his shin and ran 15 yards to one of their midfielders. He quickly passed the ball up to Terry Gornell and it was a 2 on 1 in acres of space. Gornell had Murray out left waving his arms and begging for the ball. When Fens chose to run over and defend the Gornell, Gornell rolled a pass out left to Murray.

Murray jogged across the penalty box line, looked at Lincoln's positioning, looked down and fired. But Lincoln is as nimble as any Premier League keeper and can occasionally make the spectular save. Today was one of those days. Murray went low towards Linoln's right. Daniel got down and got a hand to it. Andrea Sbraga had sprinted 90 yards and hoofed out over the top of the Wyman's Road stand. He then spun, screamed a series of Italian obscenities at Brad which I will not translate then bent over and put his hands on his knees to catch his breathe.

And that was Cheltenham's best chance of the match.

I started replacing players soon after. Matteo Ricci on for Leandro, George Francomb on for Jason and Mark Byrne on for Mark Tomlinson. We kept the ball and Cheltenham Town were left to rue their chances.

View attachment 346563

View attachment 346558
 
Be careful about rising too fast with AFC Wimbledon. It may be advantageous to stay in League 1 for yet another year in order to solidify your financial situation. Promotion is all fun and games until you find yourself outclassed by teams that can purchase players that are as valuable if not more valuable than your entire team.

Anyways it is good to see you stick with AFC Wimbledon, they are one of my favorite sides as they are sponsored by Sports Interactive and wield the football manager jersey's. I don't know how you have managed to do so well with them, but it is certainly an exciting read and I can't wait to see what happens in the future!
 
penquin11 said:
Be careful about rising too fast with AFC Wimbledon. It may be advantageous to stay in League 1 for yet another year in order to solidify your financial situation. Promotion is all fun and games until you find yourself outclassed by teams that can purchase players that are as valuable if not more valuable than your entire team.

Anyways it is good to see you stick with AFC Wimbledon, they are one of my favorite sides as they are sponsored by Sports Interactive and wield the football manager jersey's. I don't know how you have managed to do so well with them, but it is certainly an exciting read and I can't wait to see what happens in the future!
Click to expand...

You make a very interesting point. Rise too fast and suffer. In other saves I've had over the years in various incarnations of FM, I've brought some completely over-achieving sides into higher leagues. I recall a Como side in FM12 that I survived my first season in Serie B by 2 or 3 points. Won promotion to Serie A the next season then stayed just above the relegation zone all of the following season until the end when I went on a winning streak against unmotivated sides.

I think that some of my best managing was surviving Serie B then A. Those were epic challenges.

I think that this AFC Wimbledon side will hang around the promotion hunt all season. If they make it into the Championship for next season (and that's a BIG IF) and face teams that have single players worth more than my club, that'd be freakin' epic.

The big key with AFC Wimbledon is I replaced most of the squad my first season with free transfer signings. I kept only three defenders: Andy Frampton, Reuben Hazell and Jim Fenlon. The others I kept were back-ups. A player that Neal Ardley discarded, Michael Smith, I signed on a free.
 
Sunday, 4 October 2015, almost 1pm

My phone jangled as Gwen and I were signing the lease for our new flat.

"I'm terribly sorry," I said and pulled it out of my pocket.

It was Erik Samuelson.

"Sorry, I'd better take this, it's the boss," I said and stepped out of the conference room.

"Erik, what's up?" I said.

"So you're signing the paperwork today then?" Erik said.

"Actually, right now," I replied. "It's a nicest of the three we looked at."

"Three? What? You were considered three? Have you read the Mirror today?" he asked.

"Um, no? Should I have?"

"According to them, you're leaving for Ipswich!"

"I am?" I asked. "Wait, what?"

"They say your signing the paperwork later this afternoon."

"Erik, the only paperwork I'm signing today is for my new flat," I said. "I might sign my new contract tomorrow if it'll be ready."

"Oh ... well then ... yes, it will be ready," Erik said.

"Wait a sec ... you don't believe anything you read in the Mirror, do you?" I asked. "They get just about every transfer rumor wrong. Relax Erik. Let's schedule a press conference tomorrow and end this bull**** and sign the contract in front of these ****ing paparazzi clowns."

"Thanks, I was rather worried there for a minute," he said.

"Let's keep a media silence until tomorrow," I said. "Let's keep them twisting in the wind for a little bit. Spread the word. Training is at three so I'll message the team list right now. I'll tell them the story is a lie, but to stay silent if anyone asks and that I'm signing my extension tomorrow."
 
View attachment 345921Monday, 5 October 2015 10am

"I'd like to thank you all for coming," Erik Samuelson said to the two journalists who bothered to show up for our little press conference. "Here at AFC Wimbledon we pride ourselves on being upright, open and honest. We have repeatedly said that the manager of this club, Enrico Pucci, wasn't going anywhere. I personally have told dozens of journalists that nobody has contacted me to talk to my club's manager. Also, Enrico has repeatedly reassured me that he's not going anywhere."

"So to put these rumors to bed once and for all, here is Enrico's new contract through the summer of 2017," he concluded and slid the document and a pen across the table.

I scribbled my signature on the line.

"So next time instead of stalking me like paparazzi, call me," I said. "Present company excluded as you guys have my mobile, do call if you have a question."

"So there was no truth to the Mirror's story that you were about to sign for Ipswich Town?" asked Martin Muir of the BBC. He was the replacement for Colin Massey. Apparently, we weren't the only club that didn't like him.

"Nope," I replied. "I never talked to anyone from Ipswich."

"And Doncaster?" Muir asked.

"Nope. Nada, zilch, no contact."

"What about the rumors linking you to Inter Milan," Simon Harrison of Sky Sports asked.

"Well, I read on Sky Sports that they appointed Mancini," I replied. "I'm not in the same league with Mancini. Let's be honest."

"My source says that your agent Lucca Piccioni is close personal friends with Inter's Director of Football Piero Auselio and that's how you got your foot in the door, so to speak," Harrison said. "Care to comment?"

"Sonafa ... really?" I lied. "Well, I'll be ... uh ... a son of a bus driver. I didn't know that. If your source has any other helpful information about who my agent knows, would you ask him to tell me. I mean, Lucca knows everybody, but I didn't know they were BFFs."

"BFFs?" Harrison asked.

"Best friends forever," I replied. "Either of you want to talk football? No? Everything else you could possibly want to know is in the press release. Or call me. But don't wait outside my new flat, it'd be a waste of time. It's secure and has underground parking. And if you get in I'll have you arrested. Also, our joint venture with King's College London to upgrade New Malden is nearly done and, just in case any of your friends want to behave like paparazzi at our training ground, New Malden will now have a secure gate with a guard to keep any paparazzi out. Present company excluded as the regular reporters for the lower league beat are always welcome."

"Thanks for coming," I concluded.
 
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Johnstone's Paint Trophy 2nd Round: AFC Wimbledon v. Leyton Orient FC

View attachment 345154It's a cold and bitter fall evening in southwest London. And, of course, this is England so it's drizzling. A reminder of how awful English winters can be. Consequently, turnout is embarrassing. This is the lowest turnout of my tenure. We've had friendlies in the winter with a better turnout. Trust me, I even checked.

I tried to be a man about it and wear a windbreaker and a fleece liner. But after warm-ups I switched to my parka. Seriously, Cadiz ruined me.

I demanded a win from my players. Leyton Orient are the kind of team we should be beating.

Leyton put us under siege from the opening kick. We only got forward once in the first quarter of an hour and won a corner. Manny Smith almost scored against the run of play with a glancing near post header.

Then in the 18th minute, Liam Noble tackled Steven Gregory from behind taking out Gregs standing leg. I knew from the scream it was serious. The ref didn't even blow for the foul.

"THAT WAS A RED CARD FOUL!" I screamed at the ref my voice echoing around the empty ground. "CLEATS UP AND ANKLE HIGH!"

One of Noble's teammates kicked the ball out. Whitney sprinted out onto the field.

"HOW IS THAT NOT A FOUL!?!" I bellowed.

"How is that not a foul!?!" I shouted at the fourth official as I ran toward him. "From behind. Cleats up. Through the standing leg. Clear intent to injure. Did FIFA change the rules about tackling since Saturday? I demand an explanation."

"Watch yourself, Enrico," the fourth official said covering his mic.

"But he clearly saw it!" I moaned. "It was right there in front of him."

Whitney signaled that Gregs was done. I spun to look at my bench. I'd given Mark Tomlinson the evening off. Mark Byrne was already limbering up. Hanks must have got him up and going while I was whinging. BTW, I love that word whinging. It so perfectly describes what I do when the ref misses a clear call like this. If I take away anything from my stay in England, it might very well be that word.

"Okay, Mark," I said to Byrne as the fourth official held up his board to announce the change. "Here's your chance to show me what you've got. Short passes, play the easy pass in front of you."

That woke us up. We started dominating possession. Initially we squandered some decent chances, but Leandro Depetris came through with a perfectly weighted chip pass behind the left fullback for George Francomb to run onto. George hit a wobbling, disgraceful shot well wide of the far post. While I'm running short of patience with George, Leandro apparently was feeling sorry for George and played the exact same pass from nearly the exact same spot a minute later.

Unlike in the league, George graceful took his shot on the short hop and smashed the volley in off the far post.

1-0

The game changed with the substitution. Byrne was running around like a rabid dog, tackling anything that moved. Suddenly, the guy who was never where he needed to be and who always made the wrong choice looked like Claude Makelele. I kept glancing over at the bench as if to ask 'who is this guy?'

The second half started just as the first ended. Byrne playing the best game of his brief Wimbledon career and everyone feeding off it.

In the 52nd minute we capitalized on their disorganization following a corner. The ball was headed back toward the corner flag and we worked it back and then across the pitch to the middle where Matteo Ricci lasered in a pass for Leandro. Leandro spun and shot.

2-0

In the 72nd minute, Leyton Orient were trying to bring the ball upfield. Byrne intercepted a pass and played a 10 yard pass to Ricci. Ricci zipped a 30 yard pass upfield for Lovers. Lovers spun and chipped a ball behind the left back for George. George's first touch as he entered the box was poor and took him wide. So as he came to the end line, he pulled it back and fed the charging Ricci. Ricci smashed it home.

3-0

Game, set and match.

View attachment 345153 I sent on Andrea Sbraga for Leandro. Time to get him off in case it got rough. I switched to a 451. Byrne and Ricci in the center of midfield. Martin Riley moves up to defensive mid and Sbraga slots in at his usual position.

I replaced Lovers with Dylan Griffiths with ten minutes to go so that the Griff some playing time.

In extra time, Riley went down in a heap after a challenge with Leyton's Karl Henry. He got back up right away and signaled for Whits to return to the bench. No foul yet again.

I screamed some more at the ref and whinged some more at the fourth official.

Despite the injury to Gregs and an empty Kingsmeadow, it was a great night. Plenty of excitement and drama. Whits said he needed to see an x-ray of Gregory's ankle before he'd know how long he'd be out. He was also a bit worried about Riley's knee.

Bring on Round 3!

View attachment 345151
View attachment 345150
 
View attachment 345058Enrico Pucci @enricopucci - 7 Oct 15
Worse than I originally feared. @SteveGregs out 6 weeks, ankle ligaments.
@MartinRiley86 will be 2 mths, knee ligaments #wimbledon
 
Long time lurker here. Man this could be a book. Seriously great stuff. Also with the Graphics ... how did you do that animated pic of you at the press conferance. I want one of me so bad. Really good stuff. Awesome bro.

666969d1404450446-alfa-romeo-metaphor-enrico_at_presser.png


I want one .... lol.
 
ThePav said:
Long time lurker here. Man this could be a book. Seriously great stuff. Also with the Graphics ... how did you do that animated pic of you at the press conferance. I want one of me so bad. Really good stuff. Awesome bro.

666969d1404450446-alfa-romeo-metaphor-enrico_at_presser.png


I want one .... lol.
Click to expand...

ThePav, thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying this.

As to the presser graphic, I did this totally low-tech.

I started out with the head. Literally, just the head part. I used MS Paint on a PC to cut out just the head. Paint is cool b/c you can use your mouse to cut out just what you want to copy-paste. I pasted it onto a body sitting in front of a pair of mics.

Then I switch to my Mac and use Paintbrush. Paintbrush is cool because you can smooth edges that don't match. At this point the head fits correctly on the shoulders but there is not background.

The background was simple. Just copy paste the logos and make them all line up.

Then I used a PC to exacto-cut out Enrico's head n shoulders and pasted it onto the background.

Then I used my Mac to smooth the edges and add shadowing.

Of course, any graphic designer with all their expensive, hi-tech software could do this, too. But I'm not one of them.
 
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