The Joke Thread

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You all know the drill. Post your jokes.

a man wakes up in a hospital bed with the doctor stood over him. "i've got some good news and some bad news" says the doctor.
"whats the bad news?" says the man
"we've had to amputate your legs"
"oh sh it, and the good news?"
"the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"
 
What did the Parisienne say when he jumped off a bridge?


"I'm insane!"
 
good joke John,im afraid i dont get that one Oli...
 
Teacher: O.K class what does your father do for a living?

Billy: He works as an exotic dancer in a gay bar, and for the right price he goes to a seedy motel and sleeps with the punters.

Teacher takes billy out of class and ask`s: Was that true?

Billy: No he really plays cricket for Australia but i was to ashamed to say






A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the **** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ******* who are getting on, get your ***** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
 
Last edited:
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


BUMP........





BUMP........







BUMP........







Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain,
he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP........






BUMP........







BUMP........







He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It
was
a
coffin.



Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.










BUMP........










BUMP........










BUMP........











He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........












BUMP........BUMP......









BUMP........BUMP......











BUMP........BUMP......











The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard
the coffin speed up after him......











BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...











BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...












BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...









He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......










BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.








BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....










BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....










Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming
the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into
his comfy chair.



Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........









BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...










BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...











BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door
flew
off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came ........











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it
came......








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...











He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......









BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........









The coffin stopped.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and Mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000,Whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
:D :D
 
Sophie Ellis Bexter has been found dead in the hotel room of an international french footballer in Madrid.

Police have said it`s murder on Zidanes floor.



also in other news -

SIX Newcastle players have been accused of a drug abuse scandal .

Apparently : Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed...
(btw a bit out of date)
I crack myself up :D :D
 
I ought to slap you for those jokes,apart from the mother in law one!

Nice one Oli :D
 
someone explain the bump bump coffin one !!! I dotn geddit at all !!!
 
Benelyn cough medicine, The coffin (coughing) stop
 
Slightly harsh Daire.

In honesty, the jokes pretty poor anyway and in no way worth the effort it took to read it all.
 
John said:
In honesty, the jokes pretty poor anyway and in no way worth the effort it took to read it all.
Click to expand...

Definetley
 
What do you get when you cross the Ocean with the Titanic?






Half way
 
Funny, yet sad :sadclown:
 
A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He
can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him,
and the large ***** this man has.

He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice what a large ***** you have." The short man replies, "I
am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him
anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short
man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it."

The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK, "the
short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The
man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

"I want a ***** as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one
catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I
have to have *** with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is
worth getting a ***** that large. "OK, go right ahead." The
short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I
can't believe I'm gonna have a ***** as big as yours."

The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a
leprechaun!"
 
not amazing, but meh. :thup:

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of the switch.

3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5. Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

8. Airplanes don't care about how many airplanes you've flown before.

9. Airplanes and pilot both arrive at the same time.

10. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

11. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

12. Airplanes expect to be tied down.

13. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

14. However, they both have one thing in common ... when either one of them gets quiet, it's definitely not good.
 
Welcome back

I liked that joke Daire,also good from John :haha:

Why was the pie waiting on the corner???

Because he was meatin potato! :rolleyes:

Feel free to send me hate mail for that disastrous joke,i cringed when i heard it >_>
 
*How To Shower Like a Woman*

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Dry off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


*How To Shower Like a Man*

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake ***** at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your ***** and scratch your ***.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ***, leaving those coarse *** hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire ***** size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake ***** at her and make the -woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

:D
*Makes a woo-woo noise* :P
 
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