The Joke Thread

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:haha:

A Teacher is telling his class about democracy and how laws are made;

'The goverment needs a majority. It needs more ministers to vote yes than no. If a petition is to be successful, it needs people to sign in favour. So, as an example, if I wanted to ban fox hunting in this classroom, what would I need?'

Kid: 'Foxes'

:P
 
This is an old one, but it makes me laugh.

Two blokes are sitting at a bar. While they're drinking, another man walks in and goes to the toilet. One of the blokes says to the other 'I haven't seen him in here before, but he looks quite rich. What do you think he does for a living? I reckon he's a lawyer.' The other bloke replies 'no, he looks more like a doctor to me. I'll tell you what, I'll go in the toilet and ask him.

So, the bloke goes in the toilet, goes to the urinal next to the stranger and starts to pee.

'Sorry, but I haven't seen you in here before, and me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'

The stranger says,' Im a logical scientist.'

'What's that?'

'I'll give you an example. Do you have a goldfish?'

'Yeah'

'Do you keep it in a bowl or a pond?'

'A pond'

'Ok, so you've got a big garden then?'

'Yes'

'So, you've probably got a big house as well then, probably about 4 or 5 bedrroms?'

'Yep, 4 bedrooms'

'So you've got a wife and a couple of kids then?'

'Yeah, 3 kids'

'If you've got 3 kids, you get on well with your wife then? I mean, you have *** quite a lot?'

'Yeah, I'd say we have *** quite often'

'So, you probably don't ********** then?'

'Not really, no'

'So, from asking if you have a goldfish, I now know you have a big garden and house, 3 kids, you get on well with your wife, and you don't masurbate'

'Hey, that's pretty clever. Thanks very much'

The bloke goes back to his mate

'He's a logical scientist'

'What's that?'

'Well, I'll show you. Do you have a goldfish?'

'No'

'Well there you go then. You're a ******'
 
haha very good. Will have to remember that one.
 
haha good one.

Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it :P

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and goes to order his drinks. The barman says 'you can't leave that lying there' and the man says 'it's not a lion it's a giraffe'
 
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do women have *****?

A. So we have something to look at while we are talking to
them!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man knocked a women over while he's on his motorbike,who's fault is it?

The mans.................he shouldn't have been on his motorbike in the kitchen!
 
>I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
>story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a
>recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
>Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
>Word Perfect organisation for Termination without Cause .
>
>
>Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
>Caller: Yes, well, I m having trouble with WordPerfect.
>Operator: What sort of trouble??
>Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>went away.
>Operator: Went away?
>Caller: They disappeared.
>Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
>Caller: Nothing.
>Operator: Nothing??
>Caller: It s blank; it won t accept anything when I type.
>Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??
>Caller: How do I tell?
>Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??
>Caller: What s a sea-prompt?
>Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
>Caller: There isn t any cursor: I told you, it won t accept anything I
>type.
>Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
>Caller: What s a monitor?
>Operator: It s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>Does it have a little light that tells you when it s on??
>Caller: I don t know.
>Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
>power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
>Caller: Yes, I think so.
>Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it s
>plugged into the wall.
>Caller: Yes, it is.
>Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
>were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
>the other cable.
>Caller: Okay, here it is.
>Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it s plugged securely into
>the back of your computer.
>Caller: I can t reach.
>Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>over??
>Caller: Oh, it s not because I don t have the right angle - it s
>because it s dark.
>Operator: Dark??
>Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>coming in from the window.
>Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
>Caller: I can t.
>Operator: No? Why not??
>Caller: Because there s a power failure.
>Operator: A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we ve got it licked
>now.
>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>came in??
>Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
>Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
>like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
>it from.
>Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
>Operator: Yes, I m afraid it is.
>Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
>Operator: Tell them you're too ******* stupid to own a computer
 
haha....

A blonde, a brunetter and a redhead are eating lunch at work. They all have cheese sandwiches. The redhead says "Cheese again! I'm sick of cheese sandwiches, if my husband makes me them tomorrow I'm going to jump of the building." All three women agree that if they have cheese they will jump off the building.
The next day they sit down to lunch and the redhead has Tuna Sandwiches, the brunetter has chicken tikka sandwiches and the blonde opens her lunchbox to find cheese. She then goes and jumps of the building as that was agreed.
The brunette and the redhead go and question her husband as to why he gave her cheese sandwiches again. The husband replys "What? She made her own sandwiches."
 
:haha: heard before though as an englishman,scotsman,irishman or raul ronaldo and beckham
 
itsatrap1jv.gif
 
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has *** with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day ******** the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
 
Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, *****! I'm married!'"

Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover... $100
Broken furniture... $2,000
Breakfast... $10
Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS
 
Liverpool are to sign Jason Euell, Phil Neville and Ian Walker on short term contracts, they're gonna call it the Euell-Neville-Walker-Loan!
 
Lmao John!! Took a couple of seconds to get it lol.
 
John said:
Liverpool are to sign Jason Euell, Phil Neville and Ian Walker on short term contracts, they're gonna call it the Euell-Neville-Walker-Loan!
Click to expand...

:yikes: :o :bigeyes:
 
'Give it here'
'No its mine'
'Let me have it'
'Its my turn'
'You had it last'
'**** off'
'Gimme it'
'No way'

....

Siamese twins having a wank
 
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