As is the case when dispensing with managers, the same question should be voiced when calling for the heads of TV presenters like Keys and Gray. Specifically… “who are you going to replace them with”?
It’s all very well saying they have compromised the integrity of the game by their remarks over female lines-woman Sian Massey, but has anyone ever stopped to think about the consequences of removing them? Has anyone stopped to ponder what football broadcasting would be like if Keys and Gray are removed from television screens? It is in no way hyperbolic to state that, without question, the achievements of Gray and Keys are unparalleled in post war media. Their contribution should never be underestimated.
Those reactionaries who say they should be fired have obviously never experienced the intellectual delight of listening to Andy Gray explain why Barcelona probably wouldn’t beat Stoke, or why “all the success that Liverpool have had has been based on a flat back four and a solid four in front of them”, when opining why Steven Gerrard should play in central midfield. Those same upset people have likely never fully understood the sheer complexity involved when Richard Keys says “Welcome To Super Sunday. Now here are some adverts”. If it’s so easy – why don’t you try it? I guarantee you’ll barely be able to get past the word “welcome”, if at all. It is simply too difficult. Too demanding for anyone bar the very, very elite – and you will find that out if certain wishes come to pass.
For some, beauty can be found in a MIchelangelo sculpture. For others it can be found in a Bach Symphony. And yes, for a great many more it can be found in a Richard Keys link to Anne Diamond or Frank Bough on TVAM in 1986. Those who saw the way Keys read those words on that thing whilst simultaneously sitting on a sofa knew, even at that early stage, that they were in the presence of something greater than the medium itself. When someone comes along whose raw talent can transcend not just broadcasting but an entire culture, you don’t discard it without very good reason.
Those who are based in the USA and have a subscription to the Fox Soccer Channel saw first hand what Keys and Gray bring to the table this summer during the World Cup. It is something no foreigner, woman, non-professional footballer, disabled person or black person could ever understand or emulate. Watching Keys and Gray (and that other bloke who used to play for team USA or something) go through the groups, team by team, mentioning the names of some of the players, left no doubts that what was being broadcast was groundbreaking.
Even Warren Barton, who read classics at Cambridge, could only stay the pace for so long. Once Gray had stood up and placed some circles on a pitch stuck on the wall, there was no doubt that what we were witnessing was utterly unique. Even engineers at NASA’s jet propulsion laboratory stopped what they were doing to tune in, as Gray broke through the barriers of conventional understanding to highlight that David Villa likes to cut in from the left. Those hoping that Barton could then chime in, using his oft cited experience from playing as a full back, that it might be a good idea for opponents to “show him outside onto his weaker foot”, were disappointed when Gray beat him to it. All achieved, it must be pointed out, whilst looking into the right camera.
But Gray wasn’t finished there. The existentialist nature of the holding midfielder was raised, and finally, once and for all, the problem that has vexed philosophers for centuries was solved. It turns out that Fergie doesn’t like to have a holding midfielder, he’d rather have Scholesy getting into the box on the end of things. And thus, in an instant, the Universe had one fewer mystery. The revelation was all the more fulfilling for the way Man United have consistently conquered Europe’s greatest teams year after year, the zenith of which being the schooling they gave Barcelona’s holding midfielders in Rome in 2009, albeit they couldn’t get the ball off them for 90 minutes.
The very real threat of losing this from our culture should send shivers of fear through anyone who values true greatness. At the end of the day, all that is at stake in this is basic human rights. It’s ludicrous to say that the human rights of half the world’s population should take precedence over the careers of someone who used be on TVAM and the guy that scored a couple of headers for Wolves, Villa and Everton.
Back in 1992 when the Premier League began, football was extremely boring. Different teams would appear randomly in the top four every single year, and nobody knew whether they were coming or going. Thankfully that has now been put to bed, and fans can be safe in the knowledge that they know Man United and Chelsea will win the league and Cup every single year. That is thanks in no small part to Sky Broadcasting and by association Keys and Gray.
I personally will never forget the night that Andy’s Bootroom was first broadcast in 1992. It was the first year of the Premier League, when that Simple Minds song was played with the video of all the players in the dressing room (think Paul Stewart was in it). I will never forget the way Gray dissected Mark Wright’s poor positioning for a corner against Forest using some drafts pieces whilst Keys watched, totally in thrall of the Scottish confucius, as he made one of the first known references to the full back “showing the attacker onto his weaker foot”. I recall as if it were yesterday how Gray cut through the haze of misunderstanding to proclaim that “Mike Walker will be furious” that his team conceded an equalizer barely a minute after going ahead.
The list of names of those people in Britain whose life’s work simply cannot replaced, trips off the tongue with ease. Newton, Shakespeare, Darwin, Turner, Brunel, Churchill, Lennon, Blake, Dickens, Hawking, Keys, Gray. Perhaps one day, that list may also feature the names Redknapp, Shreeves, and the dolly bird that Gray asked to put her hands down his pants – Charlotte something or other – Christ knows – but for now, we must be watchful of maintaining the great heritage within the arts and the sciences.
So the question is simple? How do you replace the irreplaceable? Some might argue it would be better to just have silence during half time than risk attempting to recreate the magic, the electricity, the gravitas that once ruled Super Sunday. Indeed some might prefer silence full stop. If the worst should come to pass and Keys and Gray are sacked, simply to pacify those who care about the integrity of the game and human rights, then there is only one other titan that can carry the torch for truth, enlightenment, showing the attacker onto his weaker foot, always working the keeper, and setting your stall out with your two banks of four. Great men truly stand on the shoulders of giants. The only man great enough to stand on the shoulders of these two giants has the potential to be the greatest of them all. That man is Andy Townsend.
