Cook Islands: a story of being ranked 202nd in the world

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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The Cook Islands road to Glory or Ignominy

After an illustrious career of international football for the Cook Islands, being given a full 11 caps, only one below the record holder winger James Nand, I retired from playing.
My playing days now over it was time to swap boots for chalkboard, as luck would have it the Cook Islands national job was available, so with joy in my heart and optimism in my mind I applied for and received the most coveted of Cook Island jobs. However only having one national competition; the Cook Islands Cup containing 7 amateur teams I knew the job was never likely to be an easy one. Thankfully national expectation is never likely to be high.

Home to Vanuatu
So my first match at the helm is a difficult one against Vanuatu at home, a team 60 places above me in the FIFA rankings, I decide to choose a young team with only 3 capped players in the squad, with intentions of using the friendly’s this season to gel the team together. Things go fairly well until late in the game when the fitness, or lack of it show and my opponents net a couple of late goals.
Result: Cook Islands 0-2 Vanuatu
Not the worst result in the world but I was hoping to get a draw with the scores still tied that late in the game.

Away to Wallis & Futuna
Second match of the year, after my debut as Manager in feeling confident of getting something from this game. An early own goal from Junior Mataio shakes the team up, but I have faith in the lad, he came off the bench last match and did well, my faith wasn’t justified as in the 60th he bangs another one past Brown in goal. A disgraceful performance and if things continue like this there are going to be wholesale changes in the squad!
Result: Wallis & Futuna 3-0 Cook Islands
I’m now worried about my squad, I’m sure they are just about the best team I can field, they just haven’t played together enough, that must be the problem. One more chance before the older players are brought back to strengthen the team.

Home to American Samoa
A match on paper that should be close, American Samoa lay one place above us in the ranking, we have the home advantage and I really need the win if I’m going to keep the FA and the fans happy. Jubilations finally a 51st min free kick is banged in at the back stick by Junior Mataio (it seems he can do it in the opponent’s box too). Disaster! A ball crossed in from deep in the 90th and keeper Terry Brown charges out of his box to clear the danger… but cant control the ball, is dispossessed to leave an open goal. Although being rated the best player on the team it’s looking like Browns days are numbered in my team.
Result: Cook Islands 1-1 American Samoa
Too many of my squad have been released from contract from their respective clubs, I’m not keen playing lads who don’t even play so it looks like a major reshuffle is in order, I only hope I’ll be given the time to do it.

Away to East Timor
Another match I need a result from. East Timor are placed on below us in the FIFA ranking at 203rd, with the squad change around I really don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m hoping for the best. Things went unsurprisingly the same as in previous matches; wingers get the ball and forget what to do, defenders are brushed aside and when they do get to the ball boot it straight to the opponents.
Result: East Timor 2-0 Cook Islands
Disappointed but it was a new team thrown together so the defensive debacle that was put on display may work itself out. I am however becoming under increasing pressure from the fans to get a win. A main problem is the complete lack of pace anywhere in the team they just cant get to the ball first or close down quick enough to pressurize the opposition.
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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Jan 2009, lets hope its better than the beasting I got in 2008. Current Ranking: still 202nd

Away to Tonga
Things need to turn around… desperately. I can’t say I’m too confident though. Only one goal last year, just not good enough. After taking an early lead with a powerful strike on the edge of the box from Tuka Tisam (my only semi-pro player) the defense once again fell to pieces and I was forced to shut up shop to hold out for a draw.
Result Tonga 1-1 Cook Islands
Not the result I was hoping for, but at least we looked more like a football team and not a netball team.

Away to New Caledonia
Hoping to build on the draw I got in the last match, but they are ranked 113th, so not an easy game. I thought thinks were going to go very badly when my now reserve keeper Brown spannered one into his own net via the post and his back, but I’m quite please with the way the team held up managing to score a couple and dominate in midfield against a superior team, hope fully things will look better when my first choice keeper is back.
Result: New Caledonia 3-2 Cook Islands
A vast improvement on the games played so far, the team held onto the ball well and created some good chances, I’m feeling confident I can grind some results out in the future. The fans and FA were also impressed with the result; I might be able to hold onto the job after all.

Away to Papua New Guinea
A match I never really had much hope of winning, the team looked good coming forward, but is still plagued by terrible defending. Another keeper, same problem, in the 10th min 17 year old keeper Mona comes out to take a cross and palmed it into the goal.
Result: Papua New Guinea 3-1 Cook Islands
Starting to look better and better when we have the ball, but the defending and goal keeping is shocking, all 3 conceded goals where down to huge mistakes from the keeper and the defense wasn’t quick enough to clear up after them.

Away to Tonga (6 away games out of 8, I’m taking over arranging the ****** friendly’s)
A match I thought we had a chance of sneaking, how wrong could I be, it looked like a bunch of old women turned up… blindfolded! A completely lackluster performance, I was deeply upset and told the players as much.
Result: Tonga 1-0 Cook Islands
I’ve just sacked my assistant; that’ll teach him for arranging 5 away games in a row. It’s the end of my first season in charge, I’m actually offended with the way the team has been playing, every time I think there is a chance we might be improving they manage to prove me wrong. I’ve played 8 drew 1 and lost the rest and its not actually my fault, the best keeper only has handling of 3, its like watching a clown trying to catch a bar of soap. I really hope that in the offseason some youth keepers come through who can catch otherwise I foresee another season like this. From now on and until things pick up I shall be refering to the bunch of big tent circus performers Icall my team as the "Clowns".
 

Lee

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Sep 15, 2005
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Sounds like a pretty frustrating job. Stick at it, one day you'll get to 201!
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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it is, i know its technically not a lower league job, but its as good as so i put it in here. Ive finally got a keeper he's got 11 handling... he might be able to catch the ball!!!
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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2009/10 Ranking: 201st (I’m racing up the rankings)
Home to Macau (oh yes, I sort out the friendly’s now, not my new assistant, the power has gone to my head! Complete control!)
I went for all out youth against the little Chinese principality, with my average squad age only 19; a number of young lads that had only played one competitive match apiece. Yet still we got off to a flier as 17 year old Jason Tereapii fired two screamer into the top corner to give me a lead at half time, but once again I was plagued with cow pats from the devils own satanic herd when in the last 20mins we fell apart yet again.
Result: Clowns 2-2 Macau
A good start to the season against a team ranked far above us. Will this form stay with us? I doubt it.

Home to American Samoa
In a make or break match for the team young Tereapii proved to the critics why he’s playing, he smashed in two more long range efforts, and created another by hitting the post. At 17 he is now the record goal scorer for the Cook Islands with 4 and has years to add to his tally. A fine performance against an old enemy. Everything seemed to click as we put A. Samoa to the sword.
Result: Clowns 4-2 American Samoa
A game that in all fairness has saved my job, however at 4-0 up after 80mins the defense donned their red noses and baggy trousers, flung the custard pies and brought out the ladders and buckets of water. Why can they not defend at the end of the game?

Home to Mongolia (getting my own back with all these home games)
This was not a game I was looking forward to. As the Mongols began their invasion I was pleased to hear that their star attacker Ghengis Khan would not be available due to an injury he picked up in the 13th century. So while the rest of the population of the isles prayed to their stone age gods, we few sharpened our boots and readied for battle. Once it was explained to the Mongols that they could ride neither horses nor yaks I thought we had a chance. Unfortunately once again I was wrong poor early defending let us down and although we clawed back the deficit, we could not forge a lead.
Result: Clowns 1-1 Mongolia
Maybe should have won this match, can’t really complain though, we haven’t lost a match in 3 and a run like this was difficult to see when I first took the job.

Home to Anguilla
Now considering this is a place I’ve never heard of, I was surprised to find they were above me in the rankings. This considered I felt confident going into the match. I was not to be for my lads unfortunately, the West Indians were too fast and strong, always a danger to me when the ball was crossed in. Yet another score draw giving me a now 4 game unbeaten run
Result: Clowns 2-2 Anguilla
As it approaches Christmas and no more friendly’s I must admit that I’m fairly pleased a good run of form and no defeats in 6 months have made my job secure. I do have a slight concern that I let in goals like a Kevin Keegan side, and that is going to be something to thing about before the Oceania Nations Cup (ONC) in January, but I fear there is little I can do until more players come through the youth systems of the local teams.
Ranking: 184th
 

Kris

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Sep 17, 2005
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See my problem with this is the regens your going to end up with, they will just be as **** as the players you have now. Your achiements will be minimum same with your progress but i guess it's a laugh.
 

ajw

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Sep 18, 2005
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**** me that's a right challenge...and as the Cook Islands probably doesn't have a league, I guess you don't have much to work with! Good luck, reading it made me chuckle!
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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the bonus of having a small player pool (about 180) i can look at every single player from the nation. also just throwing it out there, but would it still morally be fine if i took a job in belgium and brough some of the better players over with me? if i did that after 3 years they would be EU citizens, so by about 20 i could sell them to anyone and they would still be playing pro football
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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ONC 2010 Preliminaries (Oceania Nations Cup)
For those of you who have never graced with your presence the biggest and only national competition in the South Seas. (Wait until the world cup qualifiers, that’s a real joke) The ONC has a very weird set-up, 2 groups of 5 teams are in the prelim round. Each team playing the others in it group in a round robin system, all games are played in the country that holds the games. The top 2 teams from each group qualify for the final group and join the 2 highest FIFA ranked teams, on this occasion New Zealand and Wallis & Futuna. Another single game round robin is played and the top 2 teams play each other in a 2 leg final. All league games are played over a one month period so fatigue is a problem if you progress. The final being played a couple of months later (it’s a queer auld competition like)

ONC Pre Group A
Cook Islands
Papua New Guinea
Samoa
Solomon Islands
Tahiti
In fairness I’ve got to say I don’t stand a cat-in-hells chance of progressing here Tahiti should **** the group and Samoa or PNG should scrape through in second place.

Solomon Islands
A game I was touted to loose, well my lads certainly did the media proud, more embarrassing goal keeping and zero edge up front. The penalty shout could have gone in my favour, but we still would have balls that up I reckon.
Result: Clowns 0-1 Solomon Islands
What can I say? An expected start to the tournament. The lads have started as I presume they will continue… rubbish!

Tahiti
Now I was looking forward to my first game against Tahiti, mainly because I wanted to play against them away. I fancied letting the assistant take over and having a holiday sipping margarita’s on the beach. Playing the game in Papua New Guinea is a little different, if you try that here you’ll be chased all over by headhunters and cannibals. The lads showed there worth today as the defense turned out wearing blinkers and the only fit keeper I could turn out was 15.
Result: Tahiti 3-0 Clowns
It seems I may have to put up with the cannibals for the next match, after having what I thought was another blatant penalty turned down the script followed as so… I turned up to the post match conference a little worse for wear; the recent result having turned me to the drink. On being questioned what I thought of the appeal I proceeded to tell the ref that he was blind if he couldn’t see that it was a penalty and that he also performed unnatural acts with both his mother and father. Needless to say I shall be in the stand for the foreseeable future.

Samoa
God **** it! Not even a ****** shot on goal! Let alone on target; look at what happens without me? They still loose that’s what!
Result: Clowns 0-2 Samoa
No Comments to be made, apart from if I don’t score a sodding goal in this tournament there is going to be **** on!

Away to Papua New Guinea
Well, playing against the host in my final match of the competition, great. We went 1 down in 2mins, finally scored that goal I’ve been after for the whole tournament, but still, and this amazes me really, managed to throw it away in injury time.
Result: PNG 2-1 Clowns
With 4 more friendly’s left this season I’m going to have to get results, but at the same time I need to make tactical changes. I can see a lot of juggling involved in the next few months, both with me concerning the tactics against results and my defense with knives and flaming torches.
Ranking: 189th
 

TheCaptain

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Dec 31, 2008
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i didnt even realise it was possible to manage the cook islands.... if id of known that id of started managing those instead of trying to conquer the world with accrington stanley haha

its always good to pick a terrible nation, do your best, become a national treasure in a country you will never ever visit in real life, then think "yeah ive done enough to earn me a decent living, at a good club, in a good league" the an off come in from shrewsbury town hahaha

i speak from experience as algeria manager qualifying for every competition and even qualifying from my world cup group 1 point behind USA haha
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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Ive actually appiled for a teaching job out in the Cook Islands, thats why i looked them up on the game, i think just about any team is avalible to manage as long as you add the nation when creating your database right at the start.

Home to Papua New Guinea
Another day another defeat, the defense couldn’t tackle yet again and the PNG front men went ballistic.
Result: Clowns 0-4 Papua New Guinea
Tactics need changing desperately; I fear I’m trying to get the lads to play more flamboyant football than they can even dream of.

Home to Cape Verdi Islands
A late fixture I set up only 7 days before the scheduled kick off, not one of my best moments considering that they are ranked 150 places above us by FIFA. The new tactic was unveiled today, a very conservative style through the middle. An amazing success in the scheme of things, we went a goal down early from a magnificent strike, but always stayed in the match, on a couple of occasions I thought we might get the equalizer. The lads outplayed the far superior team for much of the match and on a whole were faultless, a great success for the new tactic.
Result: Cook Islands 0-1 Cape Verdi Islands (note I didn’t call them clowns this time)

Away to American Samoa
A game in which I expected nothing less than a win. Another shaky start, but after I stopped trying to play on the counter and gave them the hair dryer treatment at half time, the lads started to dominate possession and rewarded me with my second career win.
Result: American Samoa 1-2 Cook Islands
Another good result, lets hope my team can take this momentum through into the final game of the season.

Away to Samoa
Poor technique and pace led to mistakes at the back, this combined with a complete inability to break down the opposition defense made for an inevitable defeat.
Result: Samoa 2-0 Cook Islands
Although another poor season some good things have come from it, the best player in my squad has come under the scrutiny of Mexican side Pachau, I’m hoping in the near future they will sign him as the professional training he would have could really bolster our playmaking in the middle of the park. England lost the World Cup in the final 1-0 against Portugal.
Ranking: 179th
 

TheCaptain

Member
Dec 31, 2008
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cool i never knew about that

maybe next time i start a game i'll look for the lowest ranked nation in the world and see how i get on hah
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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Away to Anguilla
A game that could have went far differently between the 2 ex-British colonies. My newly turned pro midfielder Rua Tetava was chopped down in the 8th min and came off making no impact on the game. We created chances throughout and the midfield in general easily dispossessed the Anguillans. However poor defending and the fitness of having a really young side once again bit me in the **** as my team slumped to defeat.
Result: Anguilla 3-2 Cook Islands
Some good things to bring from this game, I started with 15 year old striker Jimmy Robertson and he did me proud by holding the ball up well all game and even open the scoring in the match, definitely one to watch for the future. With the current age of my squad I might be forced to curtail my drinking as it won’t set a good example to the boys.

Away to the Turks and Caicos Islands
Tetava had a fine match, he ran with the ball, his passing went through the TCA team like a knife through butter; it was a joy to behold. An early goal and I thought my luck was in, even after the equalizer I wasn’t too worried… I should have been in the 4th min of injury time my defense fell apart again!!! GRRRRR!!!
Result: Turks and Caicos 2-1 Cook Islands

Home to Aruba
Even would be the best way of describing the teams on paper, although the critics thought Aruba should easily see off my Islanders. We proved them wrong; playing with a defensive enforcer to smash Aruba’s strikes and a quick man to tidy up behind, Aruba never looked like scoring. A poor first half and then another of my famous half time beasting's and I was rewarded with a late goal, changing to a defensive counterattack after this a striker on debut tackled their keeper in injury time and put the game beyond doubt.
Result: Cook Islands 2-0 Aruba
A result that left the fans dancing in the err, can’t call them streets… dancing in the dirt tracks. I’ll be honest I have been thinking of resigning and going into club management, but this has changed my mind.

Home to Vanuatu
Now there’s a good bit of rivalry here. They were 40-1 favorites for this game, but some brilliant build up play from Tetava created ample opportunities for my strikers to get on the end of. Surprisingly enough though it was my 17 year old left winger who scored the only goal of the game and his 2nd international goal.
Result: Cook Islands 1-0 Vanuatu
2 wins on the trot now, can this be some form coming into the team? It could be, the players that I brought in, in my first season have really started to gel, and the rest of the team is youth and pace.
Ranking: 164th
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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this is how i was able to manage them... it should work with any national team if it works for the cook islands...

when you create your game underneath the database size there is an option to load all players from and i chose the cook islands. i only run a small database because my computer is old, but that still worked for me. i also chose the cook islands as my nationality, but i dont think that makes a difference.
 
Dec 12, 2008
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okay man, good luck patience is the key maybe a couple of your players will end up being pros? than you can take tahiti!!!! then vanuatu!!!! and the world will be yours!!! mwhahahahahaha
 

boozemonster

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Nov 20, 2008
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Away to Madagascar
13 thousand Lima’s turned up to watch a blinder of a game, 7 chances in the first 14mins, real end to end stuff. A goal on the back stick again for my young winger and a second late on in the second half when I brought on a lad who’s has 15 for pace and 17 for acceleration (only 6 for finishing though), the Madagascans just couldn’t deal with his pace.
Madagascar 0-2 Cook Islands
That’s 3 on the bounce now, brilliant results! I’m even starting to have selection problems with who to pick up front! At this rate by the time the ONC comes around again next year I might not get drilled every match.

Home to Tahiti
Ah the old enemy at home, with the recent run of form I was in a confident mood before the match and so were the team. Disaster struck early a well worked set piece saw us go a goal down in the 2nd min. things were pretty tight until late on when a missed header let Roberts get behind the defense the covering defender mad a last ditch clearance that hit Roberts flush in the face and past the keeper!
Result: Cook Islands 1-1 Tahiti
A great result, I don’t care if it came from a fluke goal, I’ll settle for results like this every time.

Away to Fiji
Another tough local game, results in these South Sea Islands friendlies are important as they will give me a grasp of my performance in the upcoming ONC. A boring game all round to be honest both defenses easily withstood the pressure on them and the result showed that.
Result: Fiji 0-0 Cook Islands
Still a great result for me, that’s a good few matches now without a defeat, let the good times roll.

Away to the Solomon Islands
A game that was more a fashion disaster than a football match, they wore their lime and luminous yellow, we had our gold with dark green away strip; only the ref was well dressed in black. Nothing much can really be said about this match, they were knocking on the door all game, we kept them out and apart from a few early chances we looked poor.
Result: Solomon Islands 0-0 Cook Islands
A great 10/11 season comes to an end. 3 wins, 3 draws and 2 losses. My job is as safe as houses and we’ve shot up the rankings. I’m looking forward to being able to compete in the 2012 OCN. My team no longer falls apart and up until recently have been scoring goals. More of the same next season please.
Ranking: 145th
 

Chrissy5

Member
Jan 13, 2009
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i enjoyed reading this,

im really rubbish at this game so i think id lose every game if i chose Cook Islands :(

good luck
 
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