The Joke Thread
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Steve*
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A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
The man lost 31kg that week...
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
The man lost 31kg that week...
psycho1970
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Police to investigate alleged racial abuse against John Mikel Obe but yet its fine for Liverpool to rape Young Boys !!
TheRealMourinho
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We were in the pub last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen.
"Cost me fifty ******* quid this" he said as we all continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile.
"Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Liverpool club shop."
"Cost me fifty ******* quid this" he said as we all continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile.
"Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Liverpool club shop."
2 Ladies were standing at the club. One was ugly and the other was beautiful.
While they were standing a guy came and said to the ugly girl: " Hi "
Girl: Hi
Guy: Do you wanna dance?
Girl: Yes! (excitedly)
Guy: Go dance,I want to speak to ur friend!
While they were standing a guy came and said to the ugly girl: " Hi "
Girl: Hi
Guy: Do you wanna dance?
Girl: Yes! (excitedly)
Guy: Go dance,I want to speak to ur friend!
Steve*
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
TheRealMourinho
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I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.
I knew it was a **** squad with no future, so I declined the offer.
I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
I knew it was a **** squad with no future, so I declined the offer.
I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
TheRealMourinho
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There are two handles on the FA cup, but Liverpool will never Oldham.
Death Ball
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Cautionary tale
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm a smartass, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask people.
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm a smartass, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask people.
Death Ball
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Since someone will do it, I'll go ahead.
What did the Joker say to Vilas-Boas and his men when he broke into the locker?
"Why 50 serious?
What did the Joker say to Vilas-Boas and his men when he broke into the locker?
"Why 50 serious?
billyboots1
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Your mom is so ugly...
She can make an onion cry
She can make an onion cry
Death Ball
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I have been playing Football Manager for years. I know what I'm doing, so this is not my tactics, okay?
I've managed the same team for years. It's been win after win after iwn. And suddenly, I can't win against easy rivals! I'm out of the Cup already! I'm not even inEuropean Qualification places! This is outrageous. SI should really sort its **** together, for godsakes.
Couldnt beat West Brom, Burnley or Sunderland and I lost against Sweansea and Leicester. I lost in the Capital One Cup against MK DONS!!! FFS this is unaceptable and utterly unrealistic. No way Manchester United wouldn't win those matches
. That's it. I'm throwing this game out of the window.
- quote: MK Dons... You fielded all your youth team!
reply: I don't care! I'm Man Utd, I should win no matter what I do, this is bollocks! This game is scripted, it just decides you have to lose and you lose no matter how many times you replay it in your DVD.
(Sorry Man Utd fans, I can't change they're the team I know more about being disappointing this season).
I've managed the same team for years. It's been win after win after iwn. And suddenly, I can't win against easy rivals! I'm out of the Cup already! I'm not even inEuropean Qualification places! This is outrageous. SI should really sort its **** together, for godsakes.
Couldnt beat West Brom, Burnley or Sunderland and I lost against Sweansea and Leicester. I lost in the Capital One Cup against MK DONS!!! FFS this is unaceptable and utterly unrealistic. No way Manchester United wouldn't win those matches
. That's it. I'm throwing this game out of the window. - quote: MK Dons... You fielded all your youth team!
reply: I don't care! I'm Man Utd, I should win no matter what I do, this is bollocks! This game is scripted, it just decides you have to lose and you lose no matter how many times you replay it in your DVD.
(Sorry Man Utd fans, I can't change they're the team I know more about being disappointing this season).
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Death Ball
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About the "it's my opinion" stick. That thing to just shut up anyone who would challenge your opinions. Opinions are attempts to understand reality and how things are and their validity is tested by contrast. Yep, Popper's science ideas apply to opinions. "It's my opinion" it's a form of "I DON'T ACCEPT DIALOGUE NOR DISAGREEMENT LALALALALALALALALA" like a little kid or one who would censor media had he any power.
I put this here, because there's a strip of Critical Miss over the Escapist I find amusing and the end is quite good. As a note, I don't find Critical Miss to be funny most of the time, but from time to time it has some very good strips. My score: 6.5
How to Talk About Games #3 | Critical Miss | The Escapist
I put this here, because there's a strip of Critical Miss over the Escapist I find amusing and the end is quite good. As a note, I don't find Critical Miss to be funny most of the time, but from time to time it has some very good strips. My score: 6.5
How to Talk About Games #3 | Critical Miss | The Escapist