The Joke Thread

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Cai1234 said:
Okay, seems like youve put a lot of thought into that.
Click to expand...

Now is when I miss a drooling emoticon XD

:Drool: What? I put so much effort thinking I can't close my mouth. Wuuuuuuuuhhhhhh...
 
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BREAKING NEWS: Afterwatching his performance against Liverpool, Bayern Munich are to appeal John Terry's CL final suspension.
 
Why is the mushroom always happy?

'cos he's a funghi!
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​
​
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​
​
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".​
​
 
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."
 
Sory manu fans, its not meant as an insult

Manchester united have sacked howard webb after a poor run of results
 
**** is the perfect word. the 'B' is like a bird's eye view of them, the 'oo' is a front view, and the 'b' is a side-on view.
 
My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday, I was so ******* angry!what sort of a sick ***** puts chloroform on her dirty knickers
 
The year is 2050 and Bill Gates has recently died. He goes to God and God says to him," Would you like to go to Heaven or ****?" Bill isn't sure so he asks for a preview of both. First God takes him to ****. Bill sees fancy cars, piles of money, and naked Playboy models. Then God takes him to Heaven. All Bill sees are fat, naked babies with wings floating around. Bill decides to go to ****. God says he will check on him in a week. A week later, God goes to **** and finds Bill burning under the Devil's torch. Bill says to God," Where are the cars, money, and women?" God replies," That was just a screen saver!" Milwaukee painting contractor
 
There was a British, a polish, and a Frenchman. They were in a plane that had crashed. They were all really hot as they walked across the desert. After a hour, they saw a magic lamp. They shook it up and saw a genie come out. The genie told them that they each got one wish. They British wished for a fan to cool down. The Polish wished for a jug of water so he could drink it. The Frenchman wished for a car door, so when he got hot, he could pull down the window. sms mobile marketing text messaging service
 
I see Ledley King has been released by Spurs..

"Thanks for the years of support"....He said to his crutches.​
 
An Englishman, an Irish man, and a Scotsman have all had the Liverpool job.No wonder the clubs a joke
 

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[TD="class: p2"]Demba Ba, Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Lionel Messi why he thinks he should have the seat and Messi replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of my amazing ability to get past players." Ronaldo says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of my amazing free kicks." God then turns to ,Demba Ba who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
[/TD]
 
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Jimmy Carr has avoided so much tax that in Scotland he's now known as........

Comedian 12!!​
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,"
he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from
the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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