Sir Alex Ferguson is going to
continue with his stated on-
the-record policy of only
ever investing in youth by
sending £12m spondulicks to
Everton's current account in
exchange for the 27-year-
old fresh and fledgling
full-back that is Leighton
Baines . Kids these days are
so nice and polite and shy
and reserved and respectful
and Baines is no different,
which means he won't have
the temerity to hand in a
transfer request but will
instead stand patiently in the
corner, hands behind his
back, while the Toffees' No1
suit slugs it out with his
Manchester United
equivalent over the deal.
That £12m will then soon be
squandered by Everton
manager David Moyes on
The Andrea True
Connection's biggest fans,
Landon Donovan and Steven
Pienaar while Ferguson will
balance the books and bench
by ridding Old Trafford of
Anderson.
Good news for Arsenal fans.
The significant improvements
in Arsène Wenger's side
without Nicklas Bendtner
are set to continue apace
now that the so-called striker
is definitely, positively,
absolutely, categorically,
youcanbelieveusonthisone,
173% certain not to return
to the Emirates once his
holidays in Poland and
Ukraine are done. The Danish
Under-17 player of the Year
for 2004 will instead be
operating his jewellery
business from the city of
Dortmund, where he will no
doubt be attending the
Sparkassen chess meeting
which has been held in the
city since 1973.
Also receiving a tin of
Roses, a hastily scribbled
card and a finger pointing
in the direction of the
Arsenal exit sign are the
Carling Cup goalscoring
sensation duo of Marouane
Chamakh and Carlos Vela,
the comedy goalkeeping pair
Manuel Almunia and Lukasz
Fabianski, and Denílson. With
all those lads decamped
elsewhere, there will be
plenty of locker space in the
Arsenal dressing room and
on the substitute bench, and
Wenger plans to fill the gaps
with Blackburn's serial seven-
goal-assister Junior Hoilett
and Toulouse's Etienne
Capoue.
After West Ham were kind
enough to offer Ricardo Vaz
Tê a route out of Yorkshire
and back to civilization in the
south, the striker-come-
winger-come-haircut will
do the honourable thing and
shove two giant fingers
under the noses of the east
London club and stalk off in
the direction of Portugal but
only "if something came
up" . Other than that he
wouldn't even dare to dream
of such a move because, you
know, he is "happy at West
Ham." Happy like the way
the Mill is when people
shove their sour sock-
smelling armpits in its face
first thing in the morning on
an overflowing Tube. Big Sam
will replace Vaz Tê with
Granada's Dani Benítez –
"Dani would love to join a
Premier League club,"
yodelled his Mr 15% – but
the Hammers face stiff
competition from
Southampton and West
Bromwich Albion.
And finally, Gareth Bale is
not ... zzzzzzz. Eden Hazard
might ... zzzzzzz. Edin Dzeko
wants to ... zzzzzzz. Oh, and
Matt Jarvis is off to
Udinese. No really. Matt.
Jarvis.
From Guardian