Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 2 July 2022

Robin Becker and Ibrahima Cissé made their debuts. Muhammed Kiprit had a ton of chances but was wasteful. Saydou Bangura scored a consolation goal. A bunch of youths got some minutes.

Marius Kleinsorge was terrible today. Just reinforced that we need at least one winger, maybe two.

Boris Tomiak also had a terrible match. He lost high balls, missed tackles, and had an all around bad day at the office.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 4 July 2022

2:00pm

"Let's get started," Thomas Hengen said to all four reporters.

"I'd like to start with Ibrahima Cissé," Niklas Boll said. "How happy are you to have him on a season long loan?"

"Very," I said. "We've got a real talent on our hands here."

"Is Cissé the sort of defender who can be a real foundation for this team?"

"That's the aim," I replied. "As you can see, he's a big guy ..." I glance over and up at him. "... strong in the air. I know he reads the game really well. So, ja, we think he'll be great for us."

"How do you think the squad will react to his signing?" Boll asked.

"We've brought in a top player and that can only be a good thing."

"I have a question for Ibrahima," Jakob Böttcher from Kaiserslautern Express said. Ibrahima held up his phone. "Uh, hi. Welcome. Would you like to say anything to the supporters?"

Ibrahima waited for his German to French app to translate. Then listened.

"Je suis très content d'être ici," he said. "J'ai hâte d'apprendre beaucoup. Le manager est un coach de haut niveau."

"Have fun translating that, Jakob," I added.

"I'd like to turn to Billy Arce," Niklas Boll said. "Is he the type of player who can make the difference when Kaiserslautern need it most?"

"We certainly hope so," I said. "But that's what we want from all our players."

"Are you hopeful of being able to help Billy finally realize his potential?" Dennis Friedel from Sport Buzzer asked.

"I think so," I said. "The skillset is there. He never really got a chance at Brighton. I think we have a great coaching staff that can help him take the next step."

"How much of that was due to his drink driving conviction," Dennis followed up. Billy had spent twenty days in jail in Ecuador for drink driving.

"One must consider the whole person not just the footballer," I said. "People make foolish decisions. I personally am a poster child for that. My first marriage and some of my investments I made back when I was a player turned out terribly. We're fully aware of Billy's history. Jörg Weber was a well-known bad boy of German soccer but now he's sober and a model citizen. Ulf Kirsten, on the other hand, has always been a role model professional. We've got a staff of people who have all overcome their own problems. We think this is a perfect environment for him to thrive."

"If you rate him so highly, are we talking that he'll turn out to be a club legend like Miroslav Klose?" Dennis asked.

"That's a pretty lofty comparison," I said. "I mean, Klose is a international legend, too. I think Billy is going to be great for us. regardless of who you decide to compare him to."

"What role do you see Billy in at the club?" Florian Carre of OneFootball asked.

"That's the thing about Billy," I said. "He can play either wing, he can play in central midfield, and he can even play up top. I intend to deploy him so that he'll have the biggest impact and cause the most havoc."

"Where do you see him fitting in?" Florian asked. "In terms of social groups?"

"I think he'll settle in just fine,' I replied. "No matter how many groups there are, he'll find his group."

"I have a question for Billy," Jakob said. "Why did you choose Kaiserslautern? That's a big move geographically and culturally."

I translated for Billy. Billy answered back but was leaning away from the mic and towards me.

"Um, he said that ... um ... he really appreciated that I visited him in Brighton," I translated. "That showed to him how much he mattered to the club. The other thing is that the coaching staff and the facilities are top level. He said that he really ... um ... is really excited to get Kaiserslautern back into the Bundesliga."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 7 July 2022

8:30am

"Welcome, Julian," I said. We shook. Then Jörg, goalkeeping coaches Wolfgang Wimmer and Ronny Teuber introduced themselves. "How is your hotel?"

"Ja, its good," Julian Krahl said. "Lovely view of the stadium on top of the hill."

"This way," Captain Jean Zimmer said. Jean had picked him up from his hotel. Jean led us all to the elevators.

Julian would provide competition for Avdo Spahic in goal.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The Summer Cup went well. Most importantly, we earned EU 1,768,211 from this tournament. Julian Krahl looks to be a good find. I have no idea why Köln and Leipzig didn't fancy him. Spahic had an outstanding performance even though we lost the second match against Werder Bremen. He played with the backups and trialists, so it wasn't surprising we lost. Boris Tomiak was in fine form. Both Muhammed Kiprit and trialist forward Ulrick Enémé Ella both scored against Hannover.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 11 July 2022

9am

"Does anyone hear that sound?" I said as I set my espresso cup down on an empty spot next to Jörg in the cafeteria. I was greeted with shrugs and grunts. "That is the sound of money in Kaiserslautern's bank account. Gisela texted me that our profit from this weekend's little tournament was 1 million, 768 thousand."

There was much nodding and generally positive humphing and snorting sounds from my assembled coaches.

"Alright, let's get down to business," I said. "Where are we at? What do we need?" I took a sip of my espresso.

"We've got the keepers now," Wolfgang Wimmer said. "Both Spahic and Krahl are top notch."

"Cissé was good," Lorenzo D'Anna said. "He's good signing."

"Gibs worries me," Jörg said. Neal Gibs was our 20 year old left back. He probably wasn't going to cut it at the 2.Liga level. "Sign Hamza." Hamza Çetinkaya was a Stuttgart boy that had washed out of the Stuttgart Academy. He'd spent a season playing in Luxemburg semi-professionally. He was on trial.

"We still need one more center back, don't we?" I said. Grunts and nods.

"We are good at right back," Lorenzo added.

"What about central midfield?" I said. "Thomas told me this morning that Marvin Stefaniak signed for Erzgebirge Aue. Billy, Marlon and Klingey would have been a great foursome with Marvin. But alas ..."

"Sounni will be good as our fourth midfielder," Filip Trojan said. Madyan Sounni was a Moroccan born in Lyon. He'd just washed out of the Lyon Academy and was here on trial. "He's a good passer. He's got a lot to learn, but he'll do fine."

"But we don't have anyone to take free kicks if Ritter isn't available," I said. "Should I keep looking for someone who can take free kicks and corners?"

"Billy can take corners," Filip said.

"Doesn't it depend?" Ulf Kirsten asked. "Depend upon what position they play and what their salary demands are?"

"Yup, exactly," I agreed. "We'll keep looking, maybe we'll find someone. Ulf, forwards?"

"Billy is quick enough to play in the winger role," Ulf said. "He'll be great as our winger. But I'm not sure Kleinsorge is the backup we want. Then again, can we afford a top class winger? Saydou Bangura keeps giving us glimpses of what he might become. That new trialist, uh, Ulrick Enémé Ella, he's the s***, as Jörg might say. We can either loan or buy him, right?" I nodded. "We still need one more. I'm still unsure between Christian Stark and Austin Samuels. Samuels is a better athlete all-around, Stark might be a better player. I don't know, maybe we should keep watching them. They both have a few more weeks on trial so I suggest we wait and not make any decision. It would be ideal if we find the guy that makes the decision for us, if you follow my meaning."

Then we went on to discuss training for the week.

 

[heisenbergkamp]

Sign Andreas Nemeth on loan. He's a Hungarian forward, can also play as AM. I loaned him for a couple of seasons before signing him permanently. He will eventually light up the Bundesliga in a couple of seasons. I signed for FCK when I got promoted to the second division.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sign Andreas Nemeth on loan. He's a Hungarian forward, can also play as AM. I loaned him for a couple of seasons before signing him permanently. He will eventually light up the Bundesliga in a couple of seasons. I signed for FCK when I got promoted to the second division.

Thanks for the tip.

EDIT: I don't have a Andreas Nemeth. Using Google, I found a Andras Nemeth who plays for Gent but he's not in my database weird.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 13 July 2022

I'm s***ing my pants right now. I have problems at the back and up front. I hate being this unprepared for the upcoming season. I'm just not comfortable with either Kais Bendris or Christian Dyo Ngakole as my fourth center back on the roster. First, because I'm not sure that Ibrahima Cissé is the best player to pair with Boris Tomiak. Its Cissé's positioning that worries me. Everything else is good. So I brought in Oliver Hüsing on trial. He's an experienced veteran of the lower divisions who's never gotten his shot at the Bundesliga. At 29, this is his shot. So I've terminated the trials of Bendris and Dyo and I'm hoping Hüsing pans out. BTW, I signed Hamza Çetinkaya. Hamza will be my fourth central defender if Hüsing works out.

Up top, I need more options. Saydou Bangura might be the perfect foil for Muhammed Kiprit, but if he's not I need options. I would prefer someone really fast, but I've just not found someone fast with a decent skillset that I can afford. Andre Samuels fits the bill but Wolves want an exorbitant monthly fee on a loan deal. I'll try one more time to see if they'll budge, but I'm not feeling hopeful. Christian Stark simply will not pay attention to his defensive duties. In my system, the winger and the outside forward (i.e., not Muhammed) mark their respective fullbacks. Whenever I need Stark to keep an eye on that fullback, he's jogging or sprinting upfield leaving us exposed. Even though Samuels has worse defensive skills, he does track back.

So I brought Jacopo Murano in on trial. He's an experienced veteran of the lower leagues of Italian Calcio. He's still quick enough even at 32 to make a difference for us. Additionally, I have my scouts looking over a bunch of potential loan signings. He might be a good backup for Muhammed.

After Ulrick Enémé Ella's promising debut, it quickly became clear that it was a flash in the pan. Ulf was baffled that his initial assessment would turn out to be so off. Jörg and I both reminded him that s*** happens. Our final assessment of him is that he's 3.Liga or lower material.

Another possible option is to find a winger on loan or for free and play Billy Arce up top. So some of the loan signings my scouts are looking over are wingers.

Obviously, stay tuned to see how this pans out.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Well, the July Cup happened. The best thing to take away from it is we won't face opponents this tough in our league. The only positive is the club made EU 1,000,097 profit from this little tournament. That's roughly 3M In our accounts we could really use.

Leipzig won the first match late, Gladbach could have beat us by a dozen with better finishing and we lost on PKs to Stuttgart. I dunno, maybe we aren't doing as poorly as I fear in our preseason training.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 July 2022

8am

"Alright, lay it on me," I said as I sat down with my espresso in the Fritz-Walter stadium cafeteria. "What have we got. Where we at?"

"What is this laying of which you speak?" Ulf asked.

"Its an American expressions which doesn't translate all that well into German, apparently," I said. I took a sip of espresso. "Also, I need more caffeine in my bloodstream."

"Typical preseason soreness and complaining, but no real injuries," Agnieszka said.

Everyone nodded in approval. There were a few grunts.

"We need to consider that we just got 270 minutes experience defending against Bundesliga sides," Jörg said. "Neither us nor our opponents were at our best, but we ... uh ... mostly held our own. We were not embarrassed is the real point. As Enrico said in Die Kabine yesterday, we won't face offenses this good in the second league. I think we're moving in the right direction and pretty much ready for the season to begin."

There was a stunned silence as nobody had ever heard Jörg say this much all at once.

"We also learned a lot about some players," Ulf added. "Sadly, Neal Gibs is going to be a liability going forward. Maybe he can get by in the second, but it'll be like being a man down against Bundesliga sides. You should consider getting two new left backs."

"Zimmer, Becker and Silva will be fine as fullbacks," Lorenzo said.

"Where do I play Billy?" I asked.

"What about as forward?" Ulf asked.

"Just like Julian, he can run several marathons a week," Günther Kern our fitness trainer said. "You could use him as a pressing forward."

"If Ritter and Klingenburg are fit, I'd say as a winger," Filip Trojan said. "He'll be great in the center, but Ritter and Klingenberg don't get hurt often. With his creativity, vision, and non-stop running, he will pan out as a winger. I'd say find forwards to pair with Kiprit and play him as a winger."

"Ritter is ... uh ... is only ... who ... uh ... take free kicks," Luigi Zonno said in halting German. "More free kick takers? Should buy more?"

"That's a good point, Luigi," I said. "Olaf, I've seen plenty of scouting reports for players with dead ball skills, but I wasn't looking for free kick takers ..."

"Ja, I'll compile some for you Enrico," Olaf replied. "I'll see what else I can find for you."

"Alright, Florian," what should we expect from Armenia Bielefeld?" I asked. The season kicked off for us next Sunday.

"Bielefeld play a pretty standard four-two-three-one," scout Florian

replied. "Their two midfielders are tireless so there won't be a late advantage against them. Their wingers are fast, but their striker is old and slow. However, don't discount him because he's tall, strong and really skilled. Expect lots of crosses, but we won't have to worry about balls over the top. Their left back isn't so fast nor is he that good of a defender. Hopefully, Billy will have a field day against him. They are usually good at set pieces so we need to be prepared for that. Uh, that's it really."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 20 July 2022

"Hi Olaf, you wanted to talk?" I said as I walked into our Chief Scout's office.

"Ja, I've got several options for you," he said. His big screen on his wall flickered into life. "The man's name is Josh Harrop. He is currently at Preston North End. He can play anywhere in the midfield or out wide as a winger. We could purchase him for 49,000 or loan him. Um ... hold on ... uh ..."

"We've got about 150,000 to spend," I suggested.

"Right, I was just looking that up," he said. "He's got decent enough free kick skills, he'd make a great central midfield backup. I know you've spoken about having four central midfielders. He'd be really good and he is priced very far below his market value. Also, his agent says he would be interested in signing for us."

"Yeah, I remember seeing the reports on him," I said. "So I've got another trip with my father-in-law Vic in my future?"

"Do you know where Preston is?" Olaf Marschall said. "Its north of Liverpool. You'd fly into Liverpool. I'll have Thomas make the offer."

"Great," I said.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 22 July 2022

8ish pm

"Thanks for meeting with me," I said as I shook Josh Harrop's hand.

"Thanks for flying in for a wee chat," he replied as we sat down in the booth in the back corner of a pub. "Lovely place, this. Pretty hush hush. The manager lets us text him for a booth as long as its not a weekend night. The food isn't bad, either."

"Yeah, thanks, I love proper English bar food," I said. "What's good here?"

"The bangers n mash."

"Lovely."

Josh waved and got someone's attention. He held up two fingers. Apparently we were both having bangers and mash.

"So ... Kaiserslautern," he said. "Near Stuttgart, near the French border, kinda ..." He trailed off.

"Well, the facilities are top notch because of the upgrades for the 2006 World Cup," I began. "I've got a Bundesliga coaching staff. Several former German national team players as well as some coaches I worked with at Lazio. My aim is to get the club back where it belongs in the Bundesliga."

"Yeah, I saw that you got promoted," he said.

"Correct. So I've gutted the squad and I'm rebuilding for a run at another promotion. I've got a squad of players who have been denied their chances at top flight football. I've targeted you because I think you've got a good skillset, a bit of guile and cunning and like many of the players I've brought in, I think you have a hunger to prove yourself at the highest level."

He nodded. A young woman set a glass of ale in front of me, a glass of water in front of Josh.

"That's a nice Czech pilsner," she stated. "Czechvar as you've come all the way from Germany. Enjoy."

I didn't follow her logic, but, whatever, I love a good Czech pilsner. I took a swig.

"Yeah, didn't get may chance at United," he said. Manchester United, that is.

"And who else is in for you, Shrewsbury?" I said. He made a resigned-to-it sort of shrug. "You'll go nowhere there. You've been typecast. Come to Germany. Break the rules of what is expected. Here's the situation. I want four midfielders with good ball skills and a knack for goal. I've watched your videos, my scouts watched one of the matches you played last season." He only played nine. "I think you deserve to prove you can score goals and create them, too. My central midfielders make late runs and get plenty of chances. They usually have the forwards covered, but nobody covers the late run from deep. My two midfielders from last season can probably handle Germany's second division. Probably. But injuries happen. Form can disappear. I want someone good ready to step and take their job."

"I also play with a single winger. I know it sounds strange, but the winger plays on whatever flank we need him to. Usually against their weakest fullback. Or sometimes because that side is easier to create overloads. So I might have you out on the wing on occasion. The other thing is this; I only have one player who can take free kicks. I need a second."

"Here you are," the woman said setting to plates of banger and mash in front of us.

"Let's talk contract," he said.

"Heavily weighted with bonuses," I said as I cut my sausage. "For both goals and assists." Sausage and mashed potatoes went into my mouth. I chewed a bit. " I've texted a wee bit with Louie ..." His agent. "... and he wanted a release clause. I'm fine with that." More banger, more mash. Chew. "You'll like the bonuses." Food. Chew. "D*mn, you're right. This is good." Food. Chew. "I think the salary is acceptable. I mean, its a raise from your current." Food. Chew. "Bottom line is that if you produce, you can easily double your salary."

Food. Chew. Beer.

I pulled out a envelope and slid it across the table.

"I emailed the same to Louie just before I got out of the cab," I said.

I let him read it over while I demolished the rest of my bangers and mash.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 23 July 2022

Noon

"Ja, let's get started," Thomas Hengen said.

"Do you think Kaiserslautern can get off to a winning start?" Jakob Böttcher of Kaiserslautern Express asked.

"We've been working very hard and, if the players can carry that focus and determination into the match, we should do well," I replied.

"Would you talk about how important Jean Zimmer's performances for this side will be," Jakob said. "Its a key factor in how well your side will fair, ja? Is that a fair assessment?"

"I rely on my captain to lead," I said. "That's a key part in being captain. With that said, we have a really strong squad. Jean can lead us to a new level but so can a number of others."

"Since Osayamane Osawe left, does this give younger players more chances?" Niklas Boll of Kicker asked. "Like Saydou Bangura?"

"For sure. If a player is good enough, it doesn't matter how young or old they are."

"But you are pursuing other forwards, ja?" Niklas followed up.

"I am. I would like four forwards in the squad."

"So that's two more, right?" Niklas asked. "You've removed the vice captain from Hendrick Zuck and he's listed."

"Correct."

"I'd like to ask about all the youth players you've purchased," Florian Carre of OneFootball said. "Is this conscious effort to build for the future?"

"Yes. We're trying to build a bright future for the club. We're thinking five years out."

"Austin Samuels has been on trial for a couple of weeks now," Florian said. "Are you any closer to deciding on his future?"

"You guys will be the first to know when we've decided," I replied.

"What's the hang up?" Florian continued.

"We're negotiating with Wolves," I said.

"How much will you miss Mike Wunderlich's experience?" Jakob asked.

"Mike had a lot of experience and he was great person to have around," I said. "Everyone knows its different every season. We all wish Mike all the best in his future endeavors. We've got plenty of strong personalities in the squad. Others will step forward."

"Armenia Bielefeld are a relatively easy opening match, wouldn't you say?" Niklas asked. "What was your reaction?"

"Listen, regardless of who we open against, we have to play everyone twice, home and away. We need to keep the Fritz-Walter a fortress. We need to put up some points early to establish ourselves in this division. Our opponents tomorrow were a Bundesliga team last season. We were a 3.Liga team last season. That's a huge quality gap. They ended last season on a pretty poor run, we ended strong so that's in our favor. Will our strong team spirit and desire to win overcome their superior class? We'll see. That's why we play the matches."

"But do you think you'll win tomorrow?" Dennis Friedel of Sport Buzzer asked.

"I think we have a good chance."

"I'd like to return to Osawe," Florian said. "how does his departure fit in with the club's short and long term goals?"

"Osayamane is a fine player," I replied. "But life goes on. We'll reinvest the money. We're not reliant on individuals. We're looking for players with the same speed and athletic ability he has. I'm sure we'll find one. Squads constantly evolve."

"Like Samuels?" Florian asked.

"If we can work a loan deal with Wolves," I said.

"How will Osawe's departure affect Die Kabine?" Florian asked.

"Everyone at the club understands that players get bought and sold," I said. "Right now, we're a selling club. Furthermore, if we get an offer and the player wants to go, I am not going to stand in his way."

"Considering the influence Philipp Hercher held in the locker room, will his departure harm the atmosphere among the squad?" Dennis asked.

"Really?" I said. "Philipp is a great guy. He trained hard, never complained when he didn't feature. The core of this club is intact. It genuinely never crossed my mind."

"Marc Hensel put Philipp Riese on the transfer list," Niklas said. "Do you agree? What are your thoughts?"

"Niklas, seriously, why are you asking me?"

"Last question," Thomas Hengen said.

"Okay, I'd like to ask it," Jakob said. "Talk about Muhammed Kiprit and Armenia Bielefeld and what you think his impact will be?"

"Mmmm ... great last question," I said. "Well, first of all he's our man. We rely on him for the goals. He sure proved himself in 3.Liga last season and I think he's just as hungry to prove himself at this level, too. He's also our foil. They know he's our man so he can open space up for other players to exploit. So ... well ... he's key. Thanks guys, see you tomorrow."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Despite the deluge, the Fritz-Walter seemed pretty full. The Westkurv was full, ready to celebrate Fußball back in the second division.

Billy Arce makes his debut out on the right wing and Amilcar Silva debuts at left back. We offered Oliver Hüsing a contract, but he hasn't responded, yet. So Ibrahima Cissé makes his debut alongside Boris Tomiak. Saydou Bangura partners Muhammed Kiprit up top.

We began the match by poking and prodding at the Bielefeld defense. The first chance came in the 6th minute when they cleared a ball and their forward headed it further upfield. One of their midfielders was first

to the ball but Julian Niehues blocked his shot then cleared the ball.

In the 13th, Bangura gave their right fullback too much space down our left flank and he whipped in a cross for their striker. Avdo Spahic made diving save to deny them.

In the 17th, they had a free kick 45m out. All of their tall players jogged forward. Instead of lobbing it into box, the free kick taker decided to be cute and play a give and go with a fullback.

The result was they were disorganized and we broke on the counter.

Billy played a ball up to Muhammed who played a ball up to Bangura who was in all alone.

Bangura hit the post.

He dove at the rebound but they cleared it.

We brought it back downfield and Bangura set up Muhammed. The shot wasn't his best but their keeper fumbled it and it went in!

1-0

The players ran for the corner flag to celebrate. But the ref put his hand to his ear. Oh f*** no. The assistant ref made no signal. After moment the ref pointed for a Bielefeld free kick. Muhammed was offside.

0-0

The second half began as cagey as the first. Both teams were doing well at clogging the midfield and preventing each other from attacking.

In the 55th minute, Captain Jean Zimmer decided he needed to hassle their winger way upfield. This winger dished to a defender who recognized the void and lobbed a ball down our right flank for their left fullback to chase.

Billy didn't recognize the situation immediately, but sprinted back. Boris came steaming over to cover. Their fullback crossed and Spahic easily saved the resulting header.

In the 67th, Cissé smashed a header directly at their keeper from a Marlon Ritter corner.

I was beginning to wonder if I needed to consider protecting a nil-nil draw.

But a minute later, the magic happened. Zimmer threw the ball in to Billy, Billy crossed towards the penalty spot, Bangura knocked the ball down to Ritter who fed the ball out left to Silva who zipped a pass across the 5m box into the path of Muhammed Kiprit

1-0

A few minutes later I replaced Ritter and Rene Klingenberg with Daniels Ontuzans and Hendrick Zuck. They were gassed and I wanted to clog up the midfield.

We kept them at bay and kept the clean sheet.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 23 July 2022

9ish pm

"Well, thank God that's out of the way," I said as I slumped into my chair at our favorite Chinese restaurant.

"They did the business, didn't they," Gwen said. "Proper defensive display, no?"

"They only had three chances, two of which were from mistakes, so ... yeah ... I guess that's not bad for a season opener," I said.

"You sat on the bench for most of the first half."

"Yeah, I did, didn't I," I said.

"Were you hiding from the rain?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah and the ref had a pretty good game so why complain and get wet."

The waiter walked up so we ordered.

"Your counterpart stood out there the whole match, looked miserable," Gwen said. "Poor little drowned rat of a man. Is it a macho thing or something?"

"Hah, probably," I said. "I mean, you saw me. I was wearing Kaiserslautern's best rain gear. Aside from my toes, I stayed quite dry."

"You looked like you were getting worried during the second half," Gwen said.

"For sure. VAR denied Muhammed a goal and Bangers hit the post. I was contemplating holding out for the point when we scored.

"Oh my God, I've forgotten to tell you," she exclaimed. "My Mum tested positive. Dad said not to worry, though. She has the latest booster and Dad says her symptoms are only she can't smell and she's exhausted. Nothing else."

"When did you find out?"

"This morning."

"D*mn, its still scary."

Our salads arrived.

"Here's what so exahusting," I said after we chewed our ruffage for a moment in silence. "I've never had this much chaos this late in the preseason. I mean, my squad isn't even filled out all the way, yet. Every other season I've either been resigned to working with what I have or I've pretty much had it arranged when the preseason starts."

"You worry too much my Italian-American pork dumpling of a man," Gwen said as the waiter deposited our pork dumplings on the table.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 25 July 2022

9:13am

Technical Director Thomas Hengen had texted me with a cryptic 'Must talk, be right down.'

I was working with Filip Trojan on a drill with the midfielders so I stepped away as I saw Thomas come into view.

You know how a speed walker walks, right? Comical but really fast. Well, Thomas was cruising. Something was up and he could barely contain himself.

"Well, something sure has gotten you excited," I remarked.

"Its a too good to be true scenario," he said a bit breathlessly as he pulled up. "I just about bought him without consulting you, but hopefully ten minutes won't matter. Also, I don't want to be that Technical Director that buys players that the manager doesn't want."

"Okay, what have you got?"

"Molla Wague," Thomas exclaimed. "Central defender."

"Who?"

"Ja, exactly. He's tall, athletic, experienced, fast, quick, reads the game well. Nantes are idiots to let him go, but they did. Maybe he didn't want to extend his stay there. He played for Udinese in Serie A as well."

"Okay, that does sound too good to be true."

"I want to offer him a contract immediately," Thomas said. "I don't think he'll stay on the market long. If I'm right, he'll compete with Hüsing to play alongside Boris. He seems like he's better than Boris or Hüsing. But ..."

"What's the risk?" I asked.

"Ja, exactly. I have a hard time finding a downside to this. I guess there's always a risk. We can afford his wages and we can always loan out Hamza (our current fourth center back). I just think I'll regret not signing him if we miss out."

"Fine, do it."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 26 July 2022

9am

"Hey! Oi! Listen up!" I yelled. Everyone quieted down. "I'd like to introduce Oliver Hüsing." I looked up at him. Big guy. He gave a little, awkward wave. "He's a new central defender. Oliver, this is everyone."

Boris Tomiak and Jean Zimmer brought Ibrahima Cissé and Hamza Çetinkaya over and they all chatted a moment. The fullbacks drifted over, too.

Then Jörg started barking orders for today's first set of drills.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 30 July 2022

1:19pm

"Ciao," I said tapped the button to answer the call. I was driving home.

"Enrico, its Thomas. I've Sören in the room with me."

"Okay, let me guess. We have a problem."

"Ja, correct," said Sören Oliver Voigt, the Managing Director. "We don't have enough money in the transfer account to complete Josh Harrup's transfer."

"Sweet Mother Mary of Jesus," I said in Italian.

"Huh?" Thomas said.

"Sorry," I replied. "That was Italian. Not quite swearing but pretty close. The fee is 49K. This is my only purchase of a senior player for this season. I negotitated a 125K signing bonus to lure him here. So, we can't come up with the money."

"Correct," Sören said. "Weren't you tracking how much you had left?"

I paused. I was about to start swearing up a storm. I might possibly and maybe might not have paid as close attention as I maybe should have. F***.

"You still there?" Thomas asked.

"Ja. Um, what can we do? Can we adjust anything?"

"Not really," Sören said. "We're over the payroll ceiling of 151K by 5K and only have 29K in our transfer account."

"Alright, cut me some slack here," I said. "I had the idea of these cash cow tournaments. They've brought 3 million plus in this preseason, we sold off Osawe for 700K. I've paid fees for six boys to stock our academy with some talent. I think I've spent a bit over 300K on that ..."

"360K to be exact," Sören interjected. "I'm looking at the accounts right now ..."

"And we diverted some of our transfer budget into scouting," Thomas added.

"So what I'm pleading for is we're net positive, we're in a good financial position and I want to bring in two more players. Josh and a forward. The forward will either be on loan or for free but any free will include some sort of signing bonus."

"We can ask the board," Thomas said. "We can delay Josh's signing and ask for an increase in the transfer budget."

"Alright," Sören said. "I'll call Keßler and poll the board this afternoon. Hopefully they allow it. We're talking 300K just to be safe?"

"Ja," I replied. "Thank you, Sören."

"Ja, I'm optimistic," Sören added. "The board loves you, Enrico. Love makes one blind."

"Hah," I replied. "Hopefully. Thanks guys."

"Auf wiedersehn," they both said.

"Ciao."

Click.

"Mother f***ing sh*tbiscuits!" I swore. I hate it when I don't get my way. I'm still like a little schoolboy. Except with adult swearing.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The Fritz-Walter was full and the Westkurv was in fine voice. Furthermore, it was a beautiful summer afternoon, couldn't have asked for better playing conditions.

I'm giving my two new defensive signings, Oliver Hüsing and Molla Wagué, their debut along with new keeper Julian Krahl.

Captain Jean Zimmer played a long ball into the right channel for Muhammed Kiprit to chase in the 2nd minute. Two defenders raced over to shut him down as he reached the end line.

He played a pass back to Zimmer how curled in a cross to the second post.

Saydou Bangura leapt highest and headed it home!

1-0

What a fantastic start! The players all leapt onto the advertising boards and celebrated with the Westkurv.

Sadly, it soon all fell apart.

In the 9th minute, Amilcar Silva let their right fullback run down our left flank unimpeded. He pretty much did nothing to either stop or hinder the fullback's ability to cross. And Hüsing jumped but their forward smashed his header past Krahl.

1-1

We promptly gave up another.

They had a corner. Their forward was at the back post and Bangura was marking him. However, he didn't follow him when he ran along the 5m box. Rene Klingenberg jumped but didn't know that their forward was coming and their forward thumped home a second header.

1-2

I looked up at the clock. 15:32 ... F***! It was clearly a set play. They had four guys on the first post with only their tall, dark, strong, and handsome striker at the back post. S***!

Well, I knew what we'll be working on next week. S***.

We created chance after chance for the remainder of the half. But either the shot was tame, wayward, or blocked.

"F*** that s***!" Jörg bellowed once everyone was in Die Kabine.

"What the h*ll was that?" I asked. "We created plenty of chances. We could easily have three or four goals if we just finish our chances. Show me something different in the second half. Silva, Zimmer ... shut down those flanks. Bangura, help Silva out ... okay?" Bangers nodded. I switched to Spanish. "Billy, be sure to get back and help Zimmer out on defense. We need to shut down the flanks." He nodded.

Unfortunately, the poor finishing continued. We could have ... should have had a couple more goals. But, alas ...

In the 53rd minute, Billy ran alongside their fullback as he raced down our right flank. Zimmer didn't come over to shut him down. Wagué leapt but missed the clearing header and their other striker just needed to redirect the ball ... which he did.

1-3

F***. I just stood there, hands in my pockets. Wagué is 6'3", 1.91m. Yet he let a high ball get over his head. He missed it so badly their other striker of moderate height just needed to side-foot it in. S***.

I guess I started the wrong center backs. F*** me.

Their fourth was simply because we were pushing forward to get back into the game.

There were a few boos at that point.

Roten Teufels began leaving the stadium. I can't say I blame them. By the 90th minute, only the Westkurv was anything close to full.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Werner: Welcome to the post mortem of the DFB-Pokal first round defeat. This is the Rötliche and Teuflisch podcast. I’m Werner. Like and subscribe. If you can be bothered. Oof. God I hate everything this morning.

Jakob: Ja, oof. Its a dark morning here in Kaiserslautern despite the fact that its a beautiful day outside my window.

Werner: Its never beautiful when Die Roten Teufel lose. As always, I’m joined by good friend Jakob. But what a loss, ja?


Jakob: Ja. This is really on our manager. Enrico Pucci decided to play three new players in the center of our defense. Julian Krahl in goal with Oliver Hüsing and Molla Wagué in the center of defense. He’s got to be pretty unhappy with their performances. I mean Hüsing and Wagué are veterans who have seen it all by this point, but it was obvious they’d never played together before and it showed.

W: Especially after how well Tomiak and Cissé played in the previous match. Those two might have held a one goal lead for 88 minutes.

J: And he took the blame, Pucci that is.

W: Deservedly so. And we all know how spectacular Spahic has been over the previous twelve months.

J: Ja. Also, I thought Pucci’s body language during the match was interesting. Usually, he’s very animated. He kicks every ball and all that. He just stood there on the sidelines glowering. Furrowed brow and everything.

W: I’d have hated to be in Die Kabine afterwards.

J: Or this morning.

W: Ha!

J: I bet they’re still running even this late.

W: And Jörg. Don’t forget Jörg.

J: Ja, the infamous temper of Jörg Weber, Pucci’s assistant manager.

W: Now I kind of feel bad for the players. Okay, moving on …

J: Ja, moving on … um … we need to talk about the offense …

W: Sadly, we must. This is a post mortem of the dead body. We need to find all the reasons for the death.

J: Our xG was 2. Exactly. We created then squandered so many chances.

W: We could have been up by three before the 10th minute.

J: More or less. Muhammed Kiprit just didn’t bring his shooting boots, so to speak. Everyone had their chances.

W: Saydou Bangura took his chance.

J: That’s true but Amilcar Silva could have used his help defending and Bangura just didn’t track back.

W: Okay, so how much of this was our inability to finish our chances? Could we really have won this six to four?


J: Maybe. That’s really hard to say. I mean, maybe on a better day, Hüsing jumps earlier or nudges Kleindienst off balance on that first goal. Maybe Bangura and Klingenberg mark Kleindienst better on the second. Maybe Wagué doesn’t miss that header on the third?

W: What and we win six to one?

J: I don’t know about that exactly, but we don’t get destroyed.

W: Anything else or is it time for questions.

J: Let’s move on.

W: Okay, I’ve got an email from you mother. [email protected] aka your Mom writes: Guys, why do we only have two strikers on the books. I’m not counting Zuck, he’s a waste of breath.

J: Great question, Mom … errr … I mean Gunther. Well, currently Englishman Andre Samuels is on trial from Wolves. Apparently, the club is negotiating with Wolves. His trial ends soon so I can only speculate that negotiations are not going well. Christian Stark was on trial but just got sent home. Finally, we have lower division Italian journeyman Jacopo Murano. I have to be honest, I just love saying his name. The way it rolls off the tongue. Sorry, regardless, they are considering him. I assume the scouting department is looking over several other loan prospects.

W: Haven’t there been a large number of striker trialists?

J: There have. Honestly, I’ve lost count of how many. Loads. A bus load for sure.

W: Do you have a question?

J: I do. I apologize I am probably going to mispronounce this but sahverdimutluluk on Twitter asks ‘What about the midfield. Do we completely rely on Ritter and Klingenberg? Is Billy Arce backup?

W: Ooh, good question … um … I’m just going to guess that this person’s first name is Sahverdi. Ja, lets go with that.

J: Ja, we are going to rely on Ritter and Klingenberg. Arce can also play in the center but he’s also a winger. Bottom line with Arce is we want him on the pitch. He’s so creative. Madyan Sounni is a winger who can play central midfield. Daniels Ontuzans is a central midfielder. They are both young and I don’t know enough about them, actually. I would imagine that Thomas Hengen and Pucci have another midfielder their hoping to bring in but that’s more of a hunch.

W: So are we going to unload Zuck and Dominik Schad?

J: They are both transfer listed so I would hope so. We’ve got a month to do it.

W: Anything else?

J: No, not really. Fortuna Düsseldorf is this Friday.

W: So look for a podcast on Thursday.

J: And that’s all we’ve got.

W: So go away now.