Bert, Ernie, Elmo and Cookie Monster's Guide to the Summer Transfer Dealings at Fulham
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Happy Independence Day to one and all..... It might be the 19th May in the real world, but in pretend Disclaimer-world it's the beginning of July and we're all about to the celebrate the day on which we whooped you sorry bunch of limey bastards out of our country....
So take some time to remember everything that's great about the US of A - Pumpkin Pie, Seinfeld, Pamela Anderson, The Muppets and Justin Timberlake.... (well, ok, maybe not the last one).
Anyhoooooo..... Back to the matter of our summer transfers......
It was a fairly quiet summer down here at Craven Street (cough) which has seen thirteen new friends join us, for what should be an historic season here in West London, and ten sorry excuses for human beings were let go to some other clubs.
Departed
As per last season, once you leave us, you're considered dead to us.... Heitinga, Hangeland and Mitrologu that means you..... Vydra, we'll see you again after a year (maybe).... and God knows who Plumain, Richmond, Donnelly, Baba (!!!!), Woodrow & Roberts were, but they've gone now....
Recruited
Many, many, many new faces joined us.... In order of how good we think they'll be, then here's a brief introduction to each of them:-
1. Fred. Brazilian. AMC. 19.0m. Stellar signing who will bring some of that South American flair and style to our modern and exciting way of playing.... Either that or he'll be as useless as Robinho. We also love his name. Who the **** is he named after anyway. Are there any famous Fred's in Brazil? Did his mother fancy Mr. Flintstone or is it a throwback to Fred Savage from the Wonder Years.....
2. Louis Holtby. English (he's not German, shup). AMC. 14.0m. (to the tune of I Just Can't Get Enough) When I'm watching Holtby, I go out of my head. And I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough. All the smiles he has for us and everything he said. And I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough. He runs and tackles, leaves the oppo for dead. And I just can't seem to get enough of etc...... Nuff said, wicked cool
3. Jerome Boateng. German (ok, he is). DC. Free. I'm sorry what.... we got him for free..... Yup that's what happened. We did wonder why Bayern Munich released him on a free, but, not for very long.
4. Saido Berahino. English (ish...). SC. 10.0m. Our assault on Europe needs fine young Englishman... We scouted John Smith, Bob Jones and Steve Harris..... But settled on Saido. Born in Burundi (it's near Swindon apparently) he will lead our attack next season.
5. Gary Medel. Chilean. MC. 14.5m. We required a strong battling midfielder. So we called our good friend Njmclare down in Cardiff and he said we could have Gazza Medel.... We offered 8m, he said 10m, we offered 12m, he said 14.5m.... At that point we removed Grover from the negotiation process. Big things are expected from this signing.
6. Alvaro Morata. Spanish. SC. Loan. Tried bringing him in during the last transfer window, but the FA deemed him "too good" for Fulham.... A few bribes later and hey presto.... We're very excited to have one of Europe's top talents for the season. All going well we'll buy him in 12 months time.
7. Ben Davies. Welsh. DL. 7.5m. Our weakest position last season by far. Need for more British players meant we decided to look over the Severn Bridge towards Wales. Ben has promised to convert to an Englishman within 5 years. Is predicted to be our player of the year next season....Although he was the only one who voted.
8. Dede. Brazilian. DC. 13.0m. Legendary Brazilian centre back who previously played for Fluminense, AC Milan and PSG. We can't believe we managed to sign him, 13m is a fricking bargain...... Sorry what.... That's Thiago Silva.... So who the **** did we buy.... Who?..... F*cking Dede.... That's the last time Grover gets involved in a transfer deal. We're sure he's good. He'd want to be for 13m as well. Will be having words with Njmclare though
9. Danilo D'Ambrosio. Italian. DR. 2.0m. No, we're not sure either, but we needed cover for Sam Byram.
10. Kevin Mendez. Uruguayan. AMC. 3.0m. John Cross, of the Daily Mirror, is a fine journalist and on the 26 Nov 13 he wrote a super article about this young player, ever since we've made it our mission to sign him. Doesn't have an English wikipedia page though, which is worrying.... But he does have pretty cool youtube video about him (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPalnnEmV5M)
11. Gary Hooper. English. SC. Free. Needed English players, Gary is English. Done.
12. Ryan Bennett. English. DC. Free. Needed English players, Ryan is English. Done.
13. Tom Carroll. English. MC. 4.0m. Needed English players, Tom is English. Done.
Good luck to all the new teams and here's hoping for another top 8 finish this season.
The Fulham Collective