[INSERT WITTY TITLE HERE] - A Journeyman Save

I need closure!

TheLuckDuck said:
The game has served me with distinction :p
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It has indeed. Some great moments for sure and one of my favourite stories to read. Are you going to retire so that we can get closure and see all you accolades?
 
ManicBadja said:
It has indeed. Some great moments for sure and one of my favourite stories to read. Are you going to retire so that we can get closure and see all you accolades?
Click to expand...
I've not retired yet as I may go back to it at some point :p
 
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HAWKINS SACKED
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Another board meeting has led to another sacking for controversial manager Matthew Hawkins

Shocking news is coming out of Newcastle tonight as the club have announced the termination of the Welshman's contract with immediate effect

This is the second sacking for the 37 year old manager with the Welshman having been relieved of his duties from his last club job with Borussia Mönchengladbach

Hawkins has been quick to comment on his dismissal stating that it was "Anything but ******* amicable" as was suggested by the Magpies' press release

He has also stated his appreciation for his players and the fans, describing them as "football people", which was in direct contrast to the board whom he stated "care less about football than a cat cares about Shakespeare" before going on to describe them as having the "collective brain power of a donkey and Neil from The Inbetweeners"

Naturally, Newcastle were unavailable to comment
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Brilliant and fantastically written little piece! Made my day already!
 
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WHAT NEXT FOR HAWKINS?
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Its been six months since Newcastle United disposed of maverick manager Matthew Hawkins, he's not been seen since, so we sent reporter Anthony Furley to track him down...

My search for Hawkins really has taken me everywhere as I've followed various leads, sources and visited places he has been known to have lived/stayed throughout his time on this planet

As such, my search has taken me everywhere, from an Azerbaijani prison, the headquarters of the Russian mafia, and, most worryingly, Dundee Town Hall

The name "Matthew Hawkins" and it's various translations opens a lot of doors you wouldn't expect it too, in fact it allowed me to spend a lovely night at a Hilton Hotel in Uzbekistan with *ahem* "special" company, but now my search has come to an end here in Finland. ******* Finland.
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I opened the door to the cabin I was told was his, it did say "Matthew Hawkins" on the postbox but I'm not sure the Royal Mail have jurisdiction here, I couldn't see him but could tell he was home, there were two fresh cups of tea on the table

"You took your time" I heard, I jumped and faced the man I'd been looking for for so long, at least, I think it was him "don't **** yourself" he muttered and gestured for me to take a seat

I sat down and grabbed the mug marked "442 Journalist" and looked at the man before me. It was definitely him, or was it? I was used to the clean shaven Hawkins in black and white suits, looking like an extra in a Tarrantino film, now he looked like the secluded character who almost always turns out to be the bad guy in horror films, complete with wild black hair and an even wilder beard, making him look like a discount Hagrid
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"So Mr Hawkins, how are you dealing with your sacking by Newcastle"

"Please, call me Vainamo"

"Why?

"That's my name"

"Ok...."

"I'm dealing with it quite well, you know. Sure it looks bad, I've moved to some remote cabin in Finland where the only Western TV show is The Office, which is fine but its no Peep Show"

"Of course, of course. American or British?"

"American"

"Unlucky"
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"Like I said, it looks bad, but its been really beneficial to take a step back and collect my thoughts, there's more to life than football, I've been doing a lot of reading and I've really broadened my horizons both in football and in general"

"Of course, have you any plans to return to football?" I asked, taking a sip of tea and instantly regretting it

"Not really, I'm quite content where I am, with me, my books, The Office and of course Kevin" he said, gesturing to his right

"Kevin?"

"Yes, Kevin Morgan, the ex-Wales midfielder? He's sat next to you" responded Hawkins, pointing to a bucket with a smile drawn on it

"Matthew, sorry Vainamo, Kevin Morgan's dead"

"Nonsense"

"You read a eulogy at his funeral, it was very moving" I responded, my mind cast back to the service

"Anyway, as Kevin was saying I've been able to read a whole lot more than I thought and sure it gets a bit boring and repetitive and your the only person other than Kevin I've spoken too since leaving but I'm completely fine"
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"Finally, about your time at Newcastle, do you have any regrets?"

"Regrets, of course not! Its given me time to read!" Hawkins yelled, gesturing at a pile of books which were a mixture of Welsh, Finnish, English and the Communist Manifesto, a strange choice for a football manager

"None at all?"

"NO I'M COMPLETELY FINE, KEVIN AND I ARE COMPLETELY FINE, AREN'T WE KEVIN!?!?" shouted Hawkins, his body spasming slightly as he did so

"I'd better go" I said, making my exit quickly, slamming the door on my way out

I slowly trudged back down the mountain, knowing I wouldn't reach the pub where I was sleeping for another hour or two, a mixture of sobs and yodelling from Hawkins' cabin providing the soundtrack for the long trek home
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HAWKINS IN PUNDITRY SHAME
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Another day another controversy for disgraced boss Matthew Hawkins as he continues to drag his once great reputation through the mud

This time the controversial Welshman joined his former colleague and current Wales Under 21 manager Aaron Ramsey in the Sky Sports studio as the duo offered expert analysis on Wales' 1-0 defeat at home to Serbia

The 38 year old manager appeared a little worse for wear as he sat down to analyse the game and proved it by calling the Serbs "kilt-wearing pig *******" and stated Middlesbrogh striker Steven James looked like a "**** Oasis tribute act"

This is just another in a series of public mishaps for the fallen manager as he's lurched from disaster to disaster as he attempts to come to terms with his sacking at Newcastle

His public mishaps have included streaking in the recent Tyne-Wear derby and urinating on the steps to Buckingham Palace

This latest disaster will do nothing to quash the worries of his close friends and family who have previously expressed concern over the 38 year old's mental health
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Love it! I'm hooked, I can't tell if he will make a glorious comeback, or just end up marrying a goat or something!
 
25th of December 2034"Merry Christmas, Kevin" I muttered at the old picture to my side, finally knowing that it wasn't actually him

It's taken months of psychological therapy to reach this point and where does it get me? Depressed on Christmas Day, lonely and forgotten

My flat is a mess, I'm knee deep in old cans of Fosters, or Budweiser, or Heineken, well anything with alcohol in it really, and that's been joined by the remains of weeks of takeaway meals. I've started being offered loyalty cards, the cheeky buggers

I'm finally over losing my job, I have no regrets and I'm not imagining a now dead ex-football sitting next to me in a cabin in Finland, I'm just bitter. I'm an angry, bitter old man who's only 38. Inside of me there's an angry, bitter old pensioner screaming to get out, or is that the cupboard? Nope, definitely the cupboard.

I'm living like a student, but I'm not a student, I'm a grown man, I've never even been to university, or have I? The details are a bit blurry.

The lightbulbs in the flat don't work, I can't be bothered fixing them and in these winter months it leads to a darkness to sweep over the flat, encompassing me and anything I touch. Sucking the life out of everything like those blokes with the hoods in Harry Potter, you know the ones, the tall grey ones?

Apparently I was mad, but now I'm not. That's what the shrink said. They said I've overworked myself, that what I've been doing for the last however many years is unnatural, that it's not right for a human. All those 20 hour shifts, traipsing up and down the country to see some 16 year old play in the ******* rain, missing birthdays, weddings, funerals, you name it
And for what? Abuse, psychological issues and public humiliation at the hands of the British media. I was fine until I moved back to Britain, experienced he intensity, the scrutiny, the radio phone ins, the messageboards. Its all too much, I cracked. I'm a shadow of the man I was, I took it in my stride in Germany just a few years ago, I led Borussia Mönchengladbach to back-to-back Bundesliga titles and a Champions League win.

And now, now I'm on the outside looking in, a great white shark on the wrong side of the glass at the aquarium, I'm on the outside looking in, watching the fish swim, and fail, and swim again, aching for a return, aching for some more

Despite the wreck football has turned me into, I still want it back, like a spurned ex-lover, I'll return, stronger, wiser, make Holly, I mean Newcastle jealous

Only problem is, nobody in England will touch me, but there is one country mental enough to take me in....

KEVIN! Get my suit
 
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HIBS HIRE HAWKINS
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12 years after being rejected by Hibernian for the top job, Matthew Hawkins has today put pen to paper on a two year deal with the Hibees

The troubled boss was rejected by the Edinburgh club whilst at Royal Mouscron-Peruwelz in 2023 but the troubled boss went on to make his name in Germany with FC Ingolstadt and Borussia Mönchengladbach

Hibs have been through 7 managers since then and the Welshman takes over with Hibs sitting 11th in the Scottish Premiership, having failed to match their previous heights since their return to the Scottish top flight in 2017

Hibs have always been somewhat of a sleeping giant, and with only 6 top half finishes in the last 17 years the Edinburgh side are growing impatient

In a move that will please his new faithful, Hawkins publicly rejected current champions and cross-city rivals Heart of Midlothian upon accepting Hibs' offer
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4th of January 2035A lot has changed since in Scotland I left Cardiff for Northern Ireland looking to craft myself a decent career at the age of 20, and I didn't really pay it much attention

Its never been my intention to manage in Scotland to be honest, football up here is very strange with all its religion and politics and I wanted to stay away from that (says the man who left the Northern Irish champions to manage in Dublin) but the opportunity has arisen and now I'm off to Edinburgh

Sure I wanted to manage Hibs before, it was before I went to Germany, or Belgium, one of them, and by the looks of things, they should have hired me

Anyway, a lot has changed. Celtic aren't top dogs anymore, that's the main change. They haven't won the league for three years and have conceded a lot of ground to Rangers, Hearts and Aberdeen. The top 4 in Scotland is closer than ever. Sure the Bhoys are still the most successful club since I started my career, but that's mainly down to six titles in a row from 2016/17 to 2021/22. Since then they've been on a whole lot more of an even footing with the rest of the top 4

And that leaves the rest of us; the likes of Hibernian, Inverness, Dundee United and so on. We're cannon fodder for the big clubs who occasionally flirt with a League Cup win and a Europa League qualifier. I'm going to change that.

The SPL is now the 8th best league in the world, giving us 4 continental spots and a lot more clout and cash which is good, it'll make my task of turning Scotland into a top 5, and then (eventually) a top 1 a whole lot easier

But for now, staying up will suffice. We've been given a tough start but Scottish scheduling means that I have 15 days to bring in players for my first game against Aberdeen

We've also got some top players; John Mackay and Jon Lavery are top quality attacking midfielders and will be important in my 4-3-2-1 narrow/4-3-1-2 narrow. We've also got a very solid defence, Steven Orr is 17 and is already a few games from a Scotland call-up, he's alongside a solid partner in Ashley Lake, Martin Clark is also a good right-back for this level

David Siddall is a good goalkeeper. BUUUUUUUUUT, the midfield is *****, we've got like, 2 midfielders, that needs to be addressed, I'll get Kevin on it right away
 
looking forward to seeing how this goes! hopefully see you at the top of European football again soon
 
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