The Joke Thread

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A vicar was walking through the cemetery when he saw a man kneeling by a gravestone wailing, ' Why did you have to die,why did you have to die, ' over and over again.
The vicar, touched by the man sorrow asked, ' Who is it you are grieving for? '
' My wife's first husband, ' replied the man.
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There's no I in Team but there's two in schizophrenia.
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I went shopping for my wife earlier today, and she told me to buy her something that made her look sexy.

I came back with an 8 pack of beers and a litre of Vodka.
 
First was the LG Chocolate

Then the LG Cookie

Is it just me, or is the owner of LG fat?

---------- Post added at 03:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:33 AM ----------

Sismael said:
You got that from BBC Sport's live text :P Yes and he is England's best player
Click to expand...

actually i got it from sickipedia :)
 
I don't understand how people can be bulimic.

Just the thought of it makes me sick.


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If only England had a player called Harry Bomb. Imagine that on the back of his shirt. The japanese would be calling to come off.


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A local Apple store was burglarized for over 10k of merch.


Police remain hopeful they can find and return both computers.


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Just bought the new Sky ADHD box but it keeps changing channels every 2 minutes!
 
found this and thought it was pretty funny

I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tyre he fitted for me today.

He said, "Just give me a score mate".

So I replied, "man utd won 3-0 at the weekend". And drove off
 
westham1995 said:
I don't understand how people can be bulimic.

Just the thought of it makes me sick.


-------

If only England had a player called Harry Bomb. Imagine that on the back of his shirt. The japanese would be calling to come off.


-------


A local Apple store was burglarized for over 10k of merch.


Police remain hopeful they can find and return both computers.


--------


Just bought the new Sky ADHD box but it keeps changing channels every 2 minutes!
Click to expand...

I get the last one and its quite funny but dont get the rest. Kinda get the Japan one
 
I told my girlfriend to shave downstairs.

She blocked the kitchen sink, but at least her moustache is gone.
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As police find yet more remains of dead prostitutes in the river, it is become apparent that the 'Crossbow Cannibal' had one fatal flaw in his evil plan.

He was on a diet.
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I just said to my wife, "Right sexy, upstairs now!"

She looked at me and said, "Oooh, kinky *******."

I said, "No seriously, the match is coming on, now **** off!"
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Why are there signs saying, 'No pets except guide dogs'?

Surely if you have a guide dog, you wont be able to read the ******* sign anyway.
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"Lib-dem resigns over secret gay lover"

So he's finally come out of the cabinet eh.
 
Heard all of these before. Any new ones please?
 
Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house. "Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?"
"We found it," replied one of the boys.
"Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother.
"Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."'
 
man utd will have a new shirt sponsor from 2010/11 season.
Magners Cider. Shirts will carry the logo and slogan " Nothing added but time

---------- Post added at 03:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:43 AM ----------

IF EASTENDERS is so true to life, how come none of the characters are man utd supporters
 
A young autograph hunter was really chuffed when he got Emil Hesky's autograph after a match. The following week he accosted Hesky once more and got his autograph, and after the next game he tried to get it yet again. "Look here," said Hesky, "this is the third time you've asked for my autograph. What's going on?"
"Well," said the young man, "if I can get eight more of yours, I can swap them for one of Michael Owen's."

Well thats not right Owen is 100 times better than Heskey not 11
 
Well done Germany, you beat us in a song contest.

Now just two World Wars and a World Cup final until you're even.
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I won gold in the *** olympics once.

I came last.
 
Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
 
dunno wether this is wrong to post up becuase of enke i dont intend to offend him

its a pretty old joke

Spooky eh?

I signed Robert Enke on Football Manager 2010 on Monday and he goes and tops himself on Tuesday.

Anyways I'm in negotiations with Cristiano ronaldo at the moment.

Wish me luck.
 
Police are called to Old Trafford. A man in full chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.

The police negotiator says to him, "come on mate, it's not that bad, don't do it!"

"You don't get it!" says the chelsea fan, "for four years I've been a chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley... we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs... then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can't take it any more!"

"Ok mate, I do understand your pain," replied the negotiator, "but I don't understand one thing... why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren't you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?"

The chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, "have you seen the ****** QUEUE?"
 
this ones good

I see Wayne Bridge is refusing to play for England whilst john terry remains captain. Let's hope he shags Emile Heskey's missus before the World Cup.
 
---------- Post added at 05:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:09 AM ----------

dunno if its too soon but found it pretty funny

I have to say guys, it's now been 3 days since Gary Coleman died, and most of the jokes just seem to be coming up short

---------- Post added at 05:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:09 PM ----------

My son came home from school and said they had been studying Insects, so my wife suggested I show him a minibeast. We're getting divorced now.
 
I saw a guy who was the spitting image of Gary Coleman today no joke.
 
Thanks for all sharing such nice jokes. Here is one from me:

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
 
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