The Joke Thread

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Dunc said:
Went hiking with my mate the other day, half way to the summit I fell, slipping a disc in my spine. He looked at me and grinned saying "I guess you could call this 'Brokeback' mountain".

"Very funny, but I haven't broken my back."

"I know, but I'm about to **** you."
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Sickipedia FTW!!
 
Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'
 
If Rafa Benitez got the Liverpool squad to shake pineapple, push a tree, what Agger do?
 
This is not meant in offence in any way , I am Scottish , Half my family is English , And I have 2 Irish Uncles that I am close to , I heard this joke a long time ago so here goes

Scottish man , Irish Man , English Man on field in a farm somewhere ,
They walk over to a barbed wire fence and they see a sheep stuck in it , so the scottish man goes **** it drops his pants and shags the sheep , english man says yeah why not drops his pants shags the sheep , The Irish man says yeah **** it drops his pants and gets stuck in the fence .

---------- Post added at 06:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:07 AM ----------

3 guys on a mountain , a wizard appears and says if you cannot throw your watch off the mountain and get down in time to catch it I will turn you into something terrible , first guy throws off his watch gets down a bit hits the bottom , so the wizard turns him into a ***** , 2nd guy does the same misses it by miles so the wizard turns him into a badgers bifgin , 3rd guy throws his watch off and sits for a minute and eats , then he gets up goes down the mountain , as he reaches the bottom the wizard watches as he raises his hand the watch falls into his palm , the wizard asks him how the *** did you do that , the guy replys , "easy my watch is 15 mins slow ".
 
What's the difference between Madline McCann and the Iceland volcano?
Madeline only ruined one holiday


I spent the entire night in jail last night
No matter how much I tried I just couldn't roll a double


No offence to anybody
 
Q.How does Michael Jackson pick his nose ?
A. From a catalogue

Michael Jackson sitting with his wife and he turns to her and says id like to get a movie in , she replies to him what were u thinking of , he says i was thinking about Aladdin , she says no way your in enough trouble as it is .
 
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what do you get if you croos a prozzy with a girlddog

An ***** ***** i make my self lol
 
this jokes pretty funny

The wife says i'm just like west ham United in bed . A **** performance every week , then once a year just manage to stay up
 
I was driving my new sports car home from the depot when, all of a sudden, I lost control and went crashing off the road into a shop front.
I hit a child...
His mother was furious, but I had to punch someone after wrecking my brand new car
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This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her ****, don't stare at her ****."
Then she said, "Don't stare at whose ****?"
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I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.

Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat.
 
an old but funny joe about shevchenko

A ukranian woman bumps into Chelsea football team at a nightclub.
She goes upto john terry and asks him to sign her left breast. She lifts up her top and he signs.
She then asks Drogba to sign the right breast. She lifts up her top and he signs it.
She then goes up and asks Mourinho to sign her front bottom. Jose says, "Okay." and she pulls down her knickers to which he replies, "Actually on second thoughts, I think I'll pass. The last time I signed a **** it cost me £30 million
 
The man on the 25th floor.

One day god decided that only those who died a terrible death could go to heaven. So there were 3 guys who wanted to go to heaven.

The first guy said that he lived on the 25th floor. He suspected that his wife was having an affair with another guy. When he reached home, he saw his wife acting suspiciously, and he saw a man clinging onto the balcony. He knew that it was the adulterer and took a knife and chopped off his fingers. The guy dropped down but did not die. So he threw a fridge down. In the end, he was arrested for murder and given the death penalty. Upon hearing this, god let him go to heaven.

The second guy said that he lived on the 26th floor. He was having exercise one day, but he fell off his balcony. Luckily, he hung onto the balcony of the 25th floor. Even luckier was that a guy saw him. He thanked god for saving him, but soon after the guy returned with a knife and chopped off his fingers. He fell but luckily he did not die. However, the guy then threw a fridge onto him and he died. God then sent him to heaven.

The third guy said that he was living on the 24th floor and was having an affair with the lady on the 25th floor. One day, her husband came back, so he hid in the fridge........
 
football joke.

Christiano Ronaldo meets Didier Drogba in a pub for a few pints and Ronaldo notices that Drogba has brought his dog. So they're sitting there supping away when a man walks up to them and lifts up the dogs tail, then walks off. Ronaldo and Drogba looked puzzled, but carry on drinking.

A couple of minutes pass and another guy approaches. He proceeds to to lift up the tail of the dog, has a look then walks off.

This goes on a few more times, each person lifting up the dogs tail, then on their way.

Ronaldo gets sick and tired of it and when the next person is about to do it, he stops him and asks, "What the **** is going on? Why is everybody lifting up me dogs tail?" The guy replies, " well there's a man in the lounge telling everybody, that there is a dog at the bar with two **** holes".
 
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Heres another vid me and the lads at work made , filmed on my m8 Keirens fone , you only catch a glimpse of me as i only agreed to make a guest appereance lol , the one with the puff jacket on at about 27 secs , DID YOU SEE ME lol its quick , quite a funny day i must admit .
http://www.youtube.com/user/klaing2007#p/u/5/XsVBWGe0FKI
 
An elderly gentleman was invited by an old frnd 4 dinner. He was impressed by the way his buddy talked 2 his wife with lovely words like Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,etc.
The couple had been married for 60 years & clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man asked his frind, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head,"I have to tell you the truth,"he said,"her name slipped my mind about 10 yrs ago and i m scared to death to ask what it is.
 
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