The Joke Thread

Blonde joke


One day 3 people, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were stuck on an island. There was a boat on the island. The redhead rowed 1/4 of the way and came back as she was too tired. The brunette rowed 1/3 of the way and came back as she was too tired.

The Blonde swam 1/2 of the way and came back.
 
England players, protect yourself from Emile Heskey - by disguising yourself as a goal!
 
A redhead, a blonde and a brunette were competing in 200m breaststroke, the brunette came first, then came the redhead but 4 hours later the blonde finshed the swim. Then she shouted:
-They cheated, they used their hands !!!
 
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and football?

Footballs coming home.

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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage

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What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
 
Heres Right Cheesey Ones Hah


" I Walked Into A Shop To Buy some Comoflage (sp) Pants, But i Couldnt Find Any "
"Two Oranges walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, your round"
"what do you call cheese thats not yours, NA-CHO-CHEESE"
 
My Wife was happy that I wasn't drinking Stella During last nights game...She's 49 and gets fed up of 'Accidentally falling asleep on the floor.' Never Explains the Black eye though?...

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I said to my wife that she reminds me of the sun, she said 'Oh so you think I'm hot?'I replied 'No, you're ******* massive'

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I was sexually abused by a pirate when I was younger.

Luckily I'm off the hook now.
 
2 woman came to my door today and asked what bread i ate?
when i said white they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

******* HOVIS WITNESSES! :p
 
Manchester United have signed an 18-year old Nigerian lad today. At his first training session Alex Ferguson stood there, pointed at the ball and said, "Ball!" He then tapped the ball with his foot and said "Kick!" Then Alex kicked the ball into the net and said "GOAL! Ball, kick, GOAL!"

Eventually the young Nigerian lad plucked up the courage, stood up and said "Sir Alex, I can actually speak good English." Alex turned around and said, "Sit down son I was talking to Berbatov"
 
xDannyW said:
Manchester United have signed an 18-year old Nigerian lad today. At his first training session Alex Ferguson stood there, pointed at the ball and said, "Ball!" He then tapped the ball with his foot and said "Kick!" Then Alex kicked the ball into the net and said "GOAL! Ball, kick, GOAL!"

Eventually the young Nigerian lad plucked up the courage, stood up and said "Sir Alex, I can actually speak good English." Alex turned around and said, "Sit down son I was talking to Berbatov"
Click to expand...

Posted this already LOL..
 
ITV Commentator: "The Germans are at it again".

BBC News: France have pulled out of the World Cup just in case.
 
Good news - Rob Green had 4000 shots fired at him in training and didn't concede a single goal. Himself and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad tomorrow.

What's the difference between Robert Green and BP?
Green got a cap for his spillage.

Steven Gerrard said: “The whole team is behind Rob Green.” With hindsight, that’s a good place to stand.
 
Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours he had 4,000 shots fired at him and did not concede a single goal. Tomorrow, him and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad. EDIT - *******, rnixon beat me to it. XD

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What's big, Scottish and depressing?

Scotland.

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These Robert Green jokes are getting out of hand and quite frankly crossing the line.

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I have two extremely stupid daughters, One is morbidly obese and the other is anorexic, they say that when they look in the mirror, they can't stand the sight of themselves, and so now have these eating problems.

What mirror? I got rid of the mirror when I knocked the wall through to make a small open doorway between their rooms for them... Ungrateful cows, I don't know why I bothered, all they ever do is just stare at it in disgust.
 
Why is a pork pie like a pensioners *****? ............cause you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.
 
Good to see the English guys having a laugh about the Rob Green mistake good on them.
 
Best man's speech - "First of all I'd just like to say that I hope my Mate & New Mrs have a great fortnight in North Wales...." few heckles "they're going to Cyprus you idiot etc etc" I check my notes and say "Oh right my mistake, it's just that he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks?" SpeechLAD
 
the courage limit: to climb the Kremlin tower and shout that you want to be american
the limit of the courage limit: to get down of there
 
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