The Joke Thread

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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you

take pin out and throw it back.
 
Susan Boyle reminds me of computers.

Whenever I see her, my **** goes Microsoft.

*** is not the answer. *** is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
 
A man who has just finished work go's to see his bit on the side just befor they have *** he says "go and wipe my shoes on the grass" without asking why she does, he gets back home to his why she says "WHERE THE *** HAVE YOU BEEN?" he replies "love listen yeah im not goin 2 lie but iv'e been seeing someone else" she replies back sayin "you lieing ******* you've been golf"
 
Skrtel has not been playing well for Slovakia. Just be patient imagine how good he'll be when he evolves into Wartortle, then Blastoise.
 
England national team what happpend to youse all calling it

E= ENGLAND
A= ALGERIA
S= SLOVENIA
Y= YANKS

NOT so easy now eh
 
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have *** with one another for the earth to have become populated.

This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
 
You may still be unbeaten, but they they have won a game. They have more points than you.
 
The Fa dislike their new England shirts and are sending fresh ones out immediately.

Instead of having Three Lions on the shirt, there is Three Tampons, because we are going through the worst period ever!
 
It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
 
Final question at a pub quiz night in Glasgow last night..."And the final question for £200 is: Take That's first album consisted of four word, the first two were 'Take That' what were the last two"

After a long pause a small Glaswegian pops up with

"Was it 'Ya ****'"
 
haha, LOL at taida's joke, does this count as a joke: The guy is a ****** but you've gotta laugh, mainly at his outright outragesness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm6BopCtb4A.

If not:
Heaven is full and there are a queue of people at the golden gates who have just died and want to get into Paradise. To solve the overcrowding, Saint Peter stands before the gate, and asks the people in the queue to tell him how they died.
The "worst deaths" he says will be awarded with a place in heaven.
So, the first guy steps up and says;
"Right, well i'm pretty sure my wife has been cheating on me recently, so as i left for work, instead of actually going to the office i sat in the park and watched the front door, sure enough a man was greeted by my wife and let in" I left it 20 minutes before bursting in, really ****** off and determined to find this guy"
"But" he continues. "He's not in the bed with my naked wife, i look around and suddenly i see this *******'s fingertips on my back balcony, so i go out and start stamping down on them, but the ******* won't let go, so i get a hammer and bash his fingers until he falls, BUT he survives as his fall is cushioned by a bush below, so in such a fit i grabbed the fridge and dropped it on him, unfortunately as i realised what i'd done, i had a heart attack and ended up here."
'that's pretty nasty, bad luck, what about you" says the saint:
The next man steps up:
"I just don't know what happened, i was doing pull ups on my terrace when i suddenly fell, but as i did so i luckily managed to grab onto that of the apartment below and i hung there, screaming, but wasn't heard. Untill this psycho came out and started stamping on my fingers as i hung on, i managed to hold on for a while, then he brought out a hammer and i couln't hold anymore as he hit down on my hands. God was clearly looking over me as he provided a bush to cover my fall, until i saw the madman drop a ****** fridge on my head, and i died'
A third man steps up and says, apparently confused by his situation and death:
"Imagine this" he starts
"You're naked, in a fridge"
 
Edgar Davids. Eagerly awaiting 3DTV since 1992.
 
taida said:
Skrtel has not been playing well for Slovakia. Just be patient imagine how good he'll be when he evolves into Wartortle, then Blastoise.
Click to expand...

Thats Epic, i Laughed for at least 5 minutes haha

---------- Post added at 06:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:34 AM ----------

LewisGD said:
Edgar Davids. Eagerly awaiting 3DTV since 1992.
Click to expand...

Hahaha Quality

---------- Post added at 07:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:34 AM ----------

Andy Murray...
 
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