The Joke Thread

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Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
 
Why did the blonde have square *****?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
 
Thames River Police reported finding a man's body floating in the river near Fulham.

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excess booze consumption, combined with a drug overdose.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, black bra, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on *****, purple lipstick, a rainbow bead bangle and an "England World Cup Winners 2010" t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his ******.

Police removed the England t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
 
Found a few on some really dodgy website -

Q: What's the difference between West Ham and an albatross?
A: An albatross has got two decent wings.

Q:What is the difference between Coventry and the bermuda triangle?
A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

Q:What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa Park?
A: They score.

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"


Most of them are terrible, but who cares? ;)
 
Good thing Henry's gone to the USA, they're used to playing football with their hands out there



My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.
Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

---------- Post added at 08:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:07 AM ----------

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'
 
Read this one on website comments section http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/16072010/58/premier-league-rooney-set-36m-contract.html

An Everton Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were* all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.* All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested* them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe* offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of* actually being caught consuming the booze, they were* sentenced to death

However, after many months and with the help of very* good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal* their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke* of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their* trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh* decided they could be released after receiving just 20* lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for* their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:* "It's my first wife's birthday today, and* she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before* your whipping."

The Everton fan was first in line* (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for* a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my* back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted* 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Everton fan* had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain* when the punishment was done. The manc scum was next up* and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix* two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even* two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes* before the whip went through again.


The LFC Fan was* the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but* before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him* and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of* the world, your city has some of the best bars,* nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and* football team is known throughout the world. For this,* you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your* Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The LFC Fan* replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my* first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100* lashes."


"Not only are you an honourable,* handsome and powerful man, you are also very* brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on* his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then* so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?"* the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the manc to my* back."
 
raoul moat was the only englishman to get 3 shots on target this summer!!
 
I don't find these facebook tribute groups to murderers raoulmoatley funny.
 
Mixed emotions:
The principal of your school falls on your brand new Ferrari F-50
 
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Biggish
Big Issue ?
No Thanks
 
Not quite a joke but what I thought I would be a **** at work today, perhaps it will get a few laughs...

From: kjackson
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:12
To: 'Adam Calderhead'
Cc: 'Richard Rafferty'
Subject: Lunch



I just need a beverage today, just going to nip to the chip shop for an Irn Bru unless you guys need to venture out?

From: Adam Calderhead
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:13
To: 'kjackson'
Cc: 'Richard Rafferty'
Subject: RE: Lunch



Got some sannies in.

From: Richard Rafferty
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:15
To: 'Adam Calderhead'; 'kjackson'
Subject: RE: Lunch



I was consider pound world but fear that 45 minutes is not long enough to explore a world but maybe a land ???

From: kjackson
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:17
To: 'Richard Rafferty'; 'Adam Calderhead'
Subject: RE: Lunch



Hmm, pass! Don’t feel like Christopher Columbus today, our time could be more effectively spent masturbating in the toilet or inventing a time machine so I can go back to when I didn't know you, and keep it that way.

From: Richard Rafferty
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:19
To: 'kjackson'; 'Adam Calderhead'
Subject: RE: Lunch



That’s right cans of pepsi and 7up are to cheap for you u prefer to spend 80p on a irn bru you are a conesuer of the finer things in life J

From: kjackson
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:37
To: 'Richard Rafferty'; 'Adam Calderhead'
Subject: RE: Lunch



No I am just put off by pound world and there false advertising of ‘everything £1’ when clearly things are often 80p or £2.74.



The last time I was lured by that kind of false advertising was ‘the Lynx effect’ where a friend and I decided to travel to a desert island on the pacific, topless and looking very unattractive, we bravely strolled up to a camp of natives who we referred to as the ‘others’



We interrupted there native rain dance and sprayed Lynx over our bodies, fully expecting the Lynx to take effect and have all there beautiful virgin women to indulge the smell and make us there gods. However this turned out to be a LIE! And we were chased furiously by the tribesman who carries large hand made spears, basic survival instinct kicked in and I pushed my friend towards them, my last images of him were him looking up at me with fear and betrayal, say la vie. I will forever remember him when I see newspaper reports of rape or even when Jack Sparrow is being hunted by natives in Pirates of the Caribbean 3. very funny movie that, especially when the dog is chased at the end.



After hours of running and further finding out that Lynx barely keeps you sweat free (further case of false adverting) I stumbled over a large metal object, curious as to what it may be I dug for hours, revealing a large metal hatch, where I found a rugged Scotsman who told me you had to push a series of buttons on a very old looking computer with Windows 72 to keep the world from ending. For months we shared the task together, having a jolly good time I forgot all about my friend and learned the ways of the force.



It turned out it was all a dream, but the point is there and that is why I decline your invitation.

From: Richard Rafferty
Sent: 22 July 2010 12:44
To: 'kjackson'; 'Adam Calderhead'
Subject: RE: Lunch

your a ****
 
Michael Barrymore has offered to join the Red Knights on the condition that he gets to play for Manchester United. He said, "I'm keen on the idea of having 10 ****** behind me while 70000 arses jiggle all around".
 
Dear Mr Moat

I have some new for you. Whilst you where serving your prison sentence, John Terry has been sleeping with your Missues. Hope you sort things out.

Yours Sincerly

Wayne Bridge
 
He might have scored two last night, but I still have the same amount of Premier League winners medals as Steven Gerrard.

---------- Post added at 11:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:33 AM ----------

so martin o'neill has gone then... the last time there was this much fuss about leaving the villa maddie went missing.
 
CJACKO11 said:
He might have scored two last night, but I still have the same amount of Premier League winners medals as Steven Gerrard.

---------- Post added at 11:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:33 AM ----------

so martin o'neill has gone then... the last time there was this much fuss about leaving the villa maddie went missing.
Click to expand...

The top one was my status last night!
 
ITV football analysis: "Even if the goalkeeper had saved it, it would have gone in the back of the net"

Well not really...
 
One of the taxi drivers involved in the Derek Bird shootings stated that when he was being shot at tha his army training kicked in and he ducked and crawled away from the shooting.

Thank god he had army training if it was me and I was being shot at I probably would have just done a ******* dance for him
 
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