The Joke Thread
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why did gary glitter enjoy the charlton match so much?
the're goalscorers were young and bent
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if were all gods children what the **** is so important about jesus
the're goalscorers were young and bent
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if were all gods children what the **** is so important about jesus
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK, why don't you go behind this hedge?"
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary... have you changed your ***?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a **** instead."
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist".
That's when the proctologist fainted
need to say what a proctologist is
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has ****** on the outside!
iam sorry they suck
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has ****** on the outside!
iam sorry they suck
*Slaps Redders*
Just in case you're stuck for what to write in your Valentines day card........These are entries to a Washington Post
competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
1. Thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
3. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was ******.
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
****, I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to ****"
12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Just in case you're stuck for what to write in your Valentines day card........These are entries to a Washington Post
competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
1. Thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
3. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was ******.
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
****, I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to ****"
12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.The baker
said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."So the duck left. The
following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, "No,
if you come here again I will nail your feetto the floor." The
following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?" The baker
replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."
----------------------
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up
farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby
chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says,
"Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later
the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!"
the co-op man replies."You
must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either
planting them too deep or too far apart!"
------------------
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to
print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25
you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then
print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
--------------------
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill
her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."So the duck left. The
following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, "No,
if you come here again I will nail your feetto the floor." The
following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?" The baker
replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."
----------------------
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up
farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby
chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says,
"Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later
the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!"
the co-op man replies."You
must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either
planting them too deep or too far apart!"
------------------
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to
print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25
you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then
print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
--------------------
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill
her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
L
Lloyd
Guest
Lmao those valentine jokes are funny, especially the dreaming one.
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, '... are you finished?"
She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "No".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finished?
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No.
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, strains to make a smile and asks again, "Are you finished!?
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,
"No! I’m Norwegian
---------------------------------------------------------------
why did snoop dogg need an umberlla?
fo drizzle!!
She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "No".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finished?
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No.
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, strains to make a smile and asks again, "Are you finished!?
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,
"No! I’m Norwegian
---------------------------------------------------------------
why did snoop dogg need an umberlla?
fo drizzle!!
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he
was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SE><: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: 185,000 a year plus st0ck options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an 0ffer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy se><y blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he
was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SE><: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: 185,000 a year plus st0ck options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an 0ffer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy se><y blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been
having an affair with your best friend, and hes a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now hes up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, Ive got everything I need."
She asks, "Whats that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "Ive got the
airbag!"
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been
having an affair with your best friend, and hes a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now hes up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, Ive got everything I need."
She asks, "Whats that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "Ive got the
airbag!"
Seven kinds of ***
I---- SOCIAL SECURITY ***
Two men were talking. So, how's your *** life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ***."
"Social Security ***?"
"Yeah, you know -
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
II ----- LOUD ***
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III ----- QUIET ***
Tired of a lifeless *** life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an ******?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV ----- CONFOUNDED ***
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
V ------ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY ***
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
VI --- NO ***
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII ---- OLD ***
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr.old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have ***..... he could fly.
I---- SOCIAL SECURITY ***
Two men were talking. So, how's your *** life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ***."
"Social Security ***?"
"Yeah, you know -
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
II ----- LOUD ***
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III ----- QUIET ***
Tired of a lifeless *** life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an ******?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV ----- CONFOUNDED ***
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
V ------ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY ***
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
VI --- NO ***
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII ---- OLD ***
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr.old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have ***..... he could fly.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
G
