The Joke Thread
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NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little *****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a ********?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes yo u can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a ********, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little *****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a ********?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes yo u can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a ********, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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Boozad
Whiney ***** with Sissy Girl Sperm
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A woman visits her doctor complaining of a sore arsehole. 'Any idea why its sore?' asks the doctor.
'Well yes,' says the woman. 'I took my 2 kids to the safari park last week, and as we were walking round i dropped my purse. As i bent down to pick it up an elephant ragged me from behind.'
'Ouch,' replies the doctor. 'That would do it. Could you drop your knickers and bend over so i can take a look please?' asks the doctor, then goes into his drawer to get the womans medical files. When he looks back up, the woman is bending over showing him her arsehole.
'**** me!!' the doctor exclaims, 'Your arsehole is 24 inches in diameter!!'
'Yes i know' replies the woman, 'thats why i came to see you.'
'You're missing the point.' says the doctor 'An elephants **** is only 8 inches in diameter, so how did you manage that?'
'Well he fingered me first' says the woman.
'Well yes,' says the woman. 'I took my 2 kids to the safari park last week, and as we were walking round i dropped my purse. As i bent down to pick it up an elephant ragged me from behind.'
'Ouch,' replies the doctor. 'That would do it. Could you drop your knickers and bend over so i can take a look please?' asks the doctor, then goes into his drawer to get the womans medical files. When he looks back up, the woman is bending over showing him her arsehole.
'**** me!!' the doctor exclaims, 'Your arsehole is 24 inches in diameter!!'
'Yes i know' replies the woman, 'thats why i came to see you.'
'You're missing the point.' says the doctor 'An elephants **** is only 8 inches in diameter, so how did you manage that?'
'Well he fingered me first' says the woman.
okay this next one is offensive so dont scroll down if you dont wanna see it
Last chance to turn back
They say gary glitter might get 40 years for indecent actions with minors.It's not that bad considering Christopher Reeves got the electric chair for riding a horse
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Last chance to turn back
They say gary glitter might get 40 years for indecent actions with minors.It's not that bad considering Christopher Reeves got the electric chair for riding a horse
__________________
Boozad
Whiney ***** with Sissy Girl Sperm
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A farmer walks into his local for a quiet pint, and notices his mate who he hasnt seen for a while sitting glum-faced at the bar. He sits next to him and orders them both a beer. 'Havent seen you for a while mate' he says.
'Yea, been having a few domestic problems' replies his mate.
'Oh, anything i can help with?' asks the farmer
'Well its a bit personal,' says his mate 'I cant get a ****** stiffy and my wifes going to leave me because its been going on for months.'
'You can get medical help for that you know?' offers the farmer
'Ive tried everything,' says his mate '******, massages, hypnotherapy, accupuncture, you name it, ive tried it and **** all works.'
Bemused, they both carry on drinking. Near the end of the night, the farmer suddenly blurts out 'You know this could be a long shot, but when my bull wont see to my cows, I'll rub my hand round one of the cows snatches, then smear it all over the bulls nose and he'll **** every cow in the field.'
'**** it,' says his mate 'Its gotta be worth a go. They finish the night off with a few double whiskys to celebrate the idea.
The farmers mate stumbles in around 1:00am, pretty ******. He goes upstairs and flops into bed next to his sleeping wife. Gently, he lifts her nighty, puts his hand in her knickers and lightly rubs her ****.
Hoping against hope he rubs it on his nose and waits.
Nothing.
Then out of pure frustration he rips her nighty right up, yanks her knickers off and shoves his hand up her ***** up to his wrist and has a good rummage around. Then he smears it all over his nose and top lip.
Suddenly his **** goes rock hard. He jumps out of bed full of excitement, turns on the light, and wakes his wife up shouting 'Quick! Quick! Look at this!!'
His wife turns over shocked, then turns angry and says, 'Youve woke me up at 1:30 in the morning to tell me youve got a ******* nosebleed?!'
'Yea, been having a few domestic problems' replies his mate.
'Oh, anything i can help with?' asks the farmer
'Well its a bit personal,' says his mate 'I cant get a ****** stiffy and my wifes going to leave me because its been going on for months.'
'You can get medical help for that you know?' offers the farmer
'Ive tried everything,' says his mate '******, massages, hypnotherapy, accupuncture, you name it, ive tried it and **** all works.'
Bemused, they both carry on drinking. Near the end of the night, the farmer suddenly blurts out 'You know this could be a long shot, but when my bull wont see to my cows, I'll rub my hand round one of the cows snatches, then smear it all over the bulls nose and he'll **** every cow in the field.'
'**** it,' says his mate 'Its gotta be worth a go. They finish the night off with a few double whiskys to celebrate the idea.
The farmers mate stumbles in around 1:00am, pretty ******. He goes upstairs and flops into bed next to his sleeping wife. Gently, he lifts her nighty, puts his hand in her knickers and lightly rubs her ****.
Hoping against hope he rubs it on his nose and waits.
Nothing.
Then out of pure frustration he rips her nighty right up, yanks her knickers off and shoves his hand up her ***** up to his wrist and has a good rummage around. Then he smears it all over his nose and top lip.
Suddenly his **** goes rock hard. He jumps out of bed full of excitement, turns on the light, and wakes his wife up shouting 'Quick! Quick! Look at this!!'
His wife turns over shocked, then turns angry and says, 'Youve woke me up at 1:30 in the morning to tell me youve got a ******* nosebleed?!'
R
Roger the bastard
Guest
Funny as **** mate
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9
years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices hat his little brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9
years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices hat his little brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watches her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store....
...and unplugs the horse.
Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watches her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store....
...and unplugs the horse.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,
he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."
Go Jill!!!!!!!!!!!!
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,
he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."
Go Jill!!!!!!!!!!!!