The Joke Thread

I just met a bloke in Tescos who told me he was Harry Potter's Godfather, I remember thinking. He cannot be Sirius.!
 
I now realise the importance of havin someone special in my life, i found that out last month when at the Blackpool Match, there was an old chap sitting next to us in two seats reserved for season ticket holders, but the seat next to him was empty, at halftime i remarked how strange it was that it was empty at such a Chelsea game? oh that was my wifes i bought it for her for over 30 years but shes dead now, aww i offered my condolences and said dont u have any friends that could come with u, oh yes he replied iv plenty friends but they're all busy today away at her funeral!
 
I hate people who make sweeping generalisations.

They're all *****.
 
What's the difference between the PG Tips monkeys and Arsenal?

Some people can vaguely remember the PG Tips monkeys holding a cup.

---------- Post added at 11:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:19 PM ----------

Yahoo News: United win with freak goal.

I thought Tevez was playing for City now?
 
Turner, Bramble, Onuaha, Al Muhammady, Cattermole, Henderson, Malbranque, Welbeck and Bruce
 
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

----------

I've just phoned my senile old Gran and told her to be careful because there have been reports of flesh eating zombies trying to break into people's homes in her area. She told me that she'll load the gun and keep it by the front door just in case.

I ******* love Halloween.

----------

So perhaps trick or treating at the McCann household dressed as Joseph Fritzl wasn't the best of ideas.

----------

Want a bit of fun at halloween? If you've got a halloween party to got to, tell everyone you're going as a rapist and turn up in your normal clothes.

Scared the **** out of my wife.

----------

Have you heard about the obesity problems in Africa?


Me neither.
 
Yahoo News: United win with freak goal.

I thought Tevez was playing for City now?
 
My Nan has found a lump in each of her *******.




Turns out it was just her knees...
 
I don't understand why christians are against gay marriage.

Jesus had two dads and he turned out alright.
 
How do you know ET is a feminist?

Because he looks like one
 
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect ******* God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen calmly walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
 
man goes to the doctor's says " I have a problem " after i **********..i start to sing..." Glory glory Man utd " Doc says " Dont worry lots of wankers sing that
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

FMBase

Beta

Resources

Top