The Joke Thread

The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is don't let Audley Harrison in, unless it's ladies night.
 
Just put Madeline McCann in Google and pressed 'search'

That's my good deed for the day done.
 
Last edited:
DMF said:
The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is don't let Audley Harrison in, unless it's ladies night.
Click to expand...

SunderlandDanny1973 said:
The first rule of Fight Club is do not talk about Fight Club!

The second rule of Fight Club is do not invite Audley Harrison, unless its ladies night.
Click to expand...

You two are on the same wavelength.. <)
 
How did Stacey Solomon get to Australia so fast after winning the Cheltenham races earlier on today?
 
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
 
Came across this on another forum.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet . Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had ***?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.....'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have *** at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.' 20

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the **** are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have ***, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah... You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the ****.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
 
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
 
Im thinking about a sailing holiday in Somalia,

Someone I know has just got back, they only went for a few weeks but loved it that much they stayed for over a year
 
A man walks into a bar in the deep countryside of Devon. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from?"

"I'm from London" the bloke replies.

"Ah, I see...what do you do for a living?" the barman asks.

"I am a taxidermist" replies the bloke.

"So, what does that involve?" (BT)

"I mount animals" the man tells him.

The barman suddenly breaks a smile, and shouts to the rest of the bar - "It's alright fellas, he's one of us!"


---------- Post added at 01:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:31 AM ----------



A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 
I've been stalking these kids for quite a while now,
With every step my pedometer goes up.
 
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner."

---------- Post added at 01:52 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:45 AM ----------

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That is highly unlikely," says the doctor.

"Please, show me," So she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so on and so forth.

Finally the doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde, right?"

She looks surprised and says, "Yes, Doctor!!" "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


What type of poo?? - ******* hilarious
 
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
 
A blonde walks out to her mailbox - No mail.

She walks back to her mailbox - No mail.

Neighbour asks; "What's wrong love?"

Blonde woman replies; "My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!!"
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
 
What's four inches long and only goes in one direction?


Louis Walsh's ****.
 
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