The Joke Thread

What's 9 and 1/2 inches long and satisfies most *****?


An iPad.
 
Luke Phillips said:
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect ******* God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen calmly walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Click to expand...

that one's briliant!!
 
My Wife's been missing for a week now the police have told me to prepare for the worst.
So I've got her clothes back from the charity shop!
 
I held a Premature *********** Anonymous meeting at 2:00 this afternoon.

Needless to say, everybody came early.
 
I woke up at 8 this morning and had a sense that something was wrong, when I went in the kitchen my wife was laying on the floor not moving or breathing. I started to panic, then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10.30am.
 
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
 
My wifes so fat that when she fell down the stairs the other night I thought eastenders had started early
 
What you call a spanish football player with no legs?
Graci-***
 
Lucas is banned for the next game against West Ham.

West Ham have said they will appeal this decision.
 
Last edited:
French President Nicholas Sarkozy is visiting the UK on an official state visit. He is at tea with Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.

"I love the thought of being a King. King Nicholas sounds terrific!" said Mr Sarkozy.

"You can't be. Unfortunately, to be a King, you must rule a Kingdom." replies Her Maj.

"Hmmm, good point" Nick says "Emperor Sarkozy sounds better anyway."

"Er, I am afraid not My Sarkozy" said the Queen "You must rule an Empire to become an Emperor. Anyway, I think you are doing just great as a country."
 
I phoned up the 'Weak Bladder' helpline today.

The lady said, "Can you hold for a minute?"

I said, "No".
 
My wife is so clumsy sometimes.
She somehow managed to get a black eye just by trying to change channels on the tv.
Weird.
 
Commentator says "Do Chelsea have it in them to make it back into the game after going two goals down?"

And in my head, i say, "Does **** come back after it has been successfully flushed? NO!!!"
 
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