The Joke Thread

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Why can't we like anymore ? With the new design there was a moment we could but what now ?

EDIT : Sorry for off topic, there are just so many posts I'd like to like ;)
 
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A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud "****** ****!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy smoke", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my ***** around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably
get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her ******* and slowly going down....
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"F*ck knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."​
 
Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.

Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.
 
A young man goes for some career advice.

Career Advisor: "What you really need in life is a goal."

Young Man: "I do?"

Career Advisor: "Yes, otherwise you'll feel like a spare ***** at a wedding - And people won't respect you."

Young Man: "My God you're right ... Thanks for your help."

Career Advisor: "No problem, Mr Torres."
 
here's one:

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "**** no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it"
 
Jasonlfc96 said:
here's one:

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "**** no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it"
Click to expand...

Good one, would love to see someone try that in real life.
 
The jokes about Torres are just getting out of hand now, even Ji-Sung Park is getting in on the act by scoring with his eyes closed - cheeky *******.
 
Some of my favourite anti-jokes:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Your friend is so gay, he has consensual *** with other men. And enjoys it.

Knock knock!
Come in.
 
Coca-Cola drop Wayne Rooney from their advertising campaign. Rooney is now the only scouser not selling coke
 
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you."


When Fernando Torres goes out on the pull he wears a red shirt because he can't score in a blue one.
 
New morning after a night out status.... "I've had an absolute Fernando Torres"... Expensive.. loads of shots.. but didn't score!!!
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for some valuables to steal and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped con, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
The seven dwarves are down a mine and there's a cave in!
Snow White shouts down the pit 'If anyones alive please reply!'
A voice calls out 'Chelsea could still win the league this year...'
'Thank God,' she thinks 'At least Dopey's still alive!'
 
A Blonde was drawing money from ATM, The blonde behind her in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password.
Its 4 asterisks(****).
The first blonde replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258

~~~
~~~

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real *****, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

~~~

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my tights off in the shower!"
 
FOR SALE: Man Utd branded radio, volume is fine, bass is fine but the treble is ******!
 
I tried to form a new club teaching young kids how to play the Violin. Not one child showed up.
With hindsight. calling it kiddie fiddlers probably wasn't a smart move!
 
Prince William's Stag Party is going to be pretty **** weird. I mean, imagine stuffing pictures of your granny into a lapdancer's thong!!
 
The Siamese twins were conjoined at the most inimaginable place know to man, they were known to friends as the skipping rope.
 
A Man is sat at the bar, drinking a pint of beer, when someone comes over to him.

The man kicks him in the face and goes "Thats Karate from Japan"

10 Minutes later, the man returns- He wrestles him off his chair and onto the floor and says "Thats Kung Fu from China"

Once again the man returns and this time kicks him in the face and says "Thats Hapkido from Korea"

The man who has been target of the attack says "**** this" and storms out the bar- He then returns 20 minutes later and walks up to the man who attacked him..

He hits him on the top of the head and shouts "And thats a shovel from B&Q!"

<)
 
fernando torres is like cocaine he might look appealing at first but eventually he'll bleed u dry of 50 mil and leaving gaspin in amazement as you get **** ****** by scousers
 
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