The Joke Thread

I've just been raped by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one it was.
 
ajw said:
good joke John,im afraid i dont get that one Oli...
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the river in Paris is called the seine (pronounced senn) so when you say I'm insane in a French accent it sounds like I'm in-seine. not very funny but that's what he's getting at
 
Stupid to see the number of sickipedia jokes on here.

Also


I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice." She laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.
 
A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a ***. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"
 
It's my son's first school nativity play today, and it's the proudest day of my life.

I've finally won the Champion's League on Football Manager. I can't wait till he gets home from school so I can tell him about it.

---------- Post added at 02:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:09 PM ----------

what goes
........excuse me........excuse me...............excuse me...........excuse me............................................excuse me?

A mole in Fred West's garden!

---------- Post added at 02:26 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:23 PM ----------

Things you wouldnt hear at a dinner party

"If were all here,whos' looking after Maddie?"
 
"Why do you pay our son £2 for emptying the bins, cutting the grass, walking the dog, doing the pots and keeping his room tidy," said my wife, "while you give our daughter £30 for just washing the car?"

"Does he wear a little bikini?" I replied.
 
sass101 said:
"Why do you pay our son £2 for emptying the bins, cutting the grass, walking the dog, doing the pots and keeping his room tidy," said my wife, "while you give our daughter £30 for just washing the car?"

"Does he wear a little bikini?" I replied.
Click to expand...

Already been posted mate ;)
 
I'm joining in the TUC protests in London.

I'd rather have them over Jacobs crackers any day.
 
I only just found out that Jay Z was with Beyonce.

Guess he's got 100 problems now
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Apparently 50 Cent is circumcised.

I guess he doesn't *** from the hood after all.
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My mate wants to have a full *** change, and was castrated yesterday.

But he doesn't have the balls to go through with the rest of the operation.
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If anyone is interested I'm organising a trip next week to see a dwarf riding a 3-year-old with running commentary from a lesbian.

Coach leaves at 9am, going to Ascot.
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There was a survey on why men liked ******** - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
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My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat ******** today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny..
============================================
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my **** tastes funny..."
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The ******* robbing referee at Sheffield Wednesday v D&R, Cost us 2 points !
 
I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to..
 
My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
 
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor...
 
I'll be Burger King you'll be Mcdonalds, I'll be doing it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
 
Two Jewish boys go into the ticket office at Liverpool and ask for a season ticket each. The woman behind the counter asks 'are you circumcised? 'Yes' replied the lads. 'I'm sorry' said the woman 'you have to be a complete **** to support Liverpool'!!
 
There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching ****.
 
Adele is still at the top of the charts because no one can move her.
 
Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real ****
 
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