The Joke Thread
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samleggott
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Daire said:
:yikes: WTF
not funny :irked:
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L
Lloyd
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I dont see the funny side either..
:yuck: :irked: :thud: :scared: oooooo:yikes: this thread needs some good jokes and nice ones 
.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pound?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50 quid. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
.How do you make a blonde girl laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pound?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50 quid. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
*********************************************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
*********************************************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
a woman says to her blonde friend:
'Oh!! look, a dead bird!!'
to which the blonde looks up and says 'where??'
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Little Jenny comes home from school one days and goes 'Mummy, mr jones has a ***** like a peanut'
'What?! How...did he show it to you?!'
'no...it tastes salty'
'Oh!! look, a dead bird!!'
to which the blonde looks up and says 'where??'
------------------------------------
Little Jenny comes home from school one days and goes 'Mummy, mr jones has a ***** like a peanut'
'What?! How...did he show it to you?!'
'no...it tastes salty'
G
Gregor
Guest
G