The Joke Thread
- Thread starter John
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* Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cause it was dead.
* A baby seal walks into a club...
Boom. Boom.
* How do you stop a dog ******** your leg?
Pick it up and suck its ****.
* Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because it was stuck on my ****.
* What's black and white and red all over?
Panda rape.
* What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding.
* What's got 100 balls and ***** rabbits?
A shotgun.
* Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn licking his balls.
So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
* What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
* What's got two legs and bleeds like a *****?
Half a dog.
* What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
* What's got five legs and goes "Woooof!"?
Piper Alpha.
* How do you make a cat go "Woooof!"?
Cover it in petrol and strike a match.
* What's got 4 legs and goes "Miaow"?
A frozen dog on a bench saw.
* What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
* What is green and smells of pork?
Kermit's fingers.
* What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
* What goes 'hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, thump thump'?
The little bunny I just ran over.
* How do you make a dog go meeeooowwww?
Tie it to a motorbike.
or Freeze it, then put it through a bandsaw
* What is worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A diseased ***** on your organ.
* What do you do if an elephant comes through the window?
Swim ! ! !
* What's green and red and goes round and round and round?
Kermit the Frog in a blender.
* What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey abortion!
* What's red and slimy and wrapped in newspaper ?
Abortion Of Chips
* What do Vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney
* Why do you wrap your parakeet in duct tape?
So it doesn't explode when you **** it.
* Whats green and goes red at the touch of a button?
A frog in a blender
* What do you call a Fish with no eyes
FFFFFSSSSSHHHH.
Cause it was dead.
* A baby seal walks into a club...
Boom. Boom.
* How do you stop a dog ******** your leg?
Pick it up and suck its ****.
* Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because it was stuck on my ****.
* What's black and white and red all over?
Panda rape.
* What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding.
* What's got 100 balls and ***** rabbits?
A shotgun.
* Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn licking his balls.
So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
* What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
* What's got two legs and bleeds like a *****?
Half a dog.
* What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
* What's got five legs and goes "Woooof!"?
Piper Alpha.
* How do you make a cat go "Woooof!"?
Cover it in petrol and strike a match.
* What's got 4 legs and goes "Miaow"?
A frozen dog on a bench saw.
* What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
* What is green and smells of pork?
Kermit's fingers.
* What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
* What goes 'hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, thump thump'?
The little bunny I just ran over.
* How do you make a dog go meeeooowwww?
Tie it to a motorbike.
or Freeze it, then put it through a bandsaw
* What is worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A diseased ***** on your organ.
* What do you do if an elephant comes through the window?
Swim ! ! !
* What's green and red and goes round and round and round?
Kermit the Frog in a blender.
* What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey abortion!
* What's red and slimy and wrapped in newspaper ?
Abortion Of Chips
* What do Vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney
* Why do you wrap your parakeet in duct tape?
So it doesn't explode when you **** it.
* Whats green and goes red at the touch of a button?
A frog in a blender
* What do you call a Fish with no eyes
FFFFFSSSSSHHHH.
* How long does it take a chav to take out the trash?
9 months
* How can you tell if a Chavette is having an ******?
She drops her chips
* What's the difference between a chavette and a chav?
A chavette has a higher sperm count
* A chav girl goes to the Doctor complaining of a strange green rash on her inner thighs.
The doctor takes one look and says "Tell your boyfriend his gold earrings are fake".
* What key can open any lock?
A pi-key.
* What's the chav next door getting for Christmas?
Your bike.
* What do you say to a chav in a suit?
How do you plead?
Where's the bride?
Whose funeral are you off to?
* Four chavs drive off a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova. Why is it a shame?
A Vauxhall Nova seats five.
* Why is a chav like a Slinky?
Because they have no real use, but it's fun to watch one fall down the stairs.
* What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet arranged alphabetically?
Well sorted.
* What do you call a chav in a fridge?
Chilled.
* What do you call a chav in an elevator?
Raised
* What do you call a chav in a freezer?
Solid.
* What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
* What do you call a chav in a locked box?
Safe, innit.
* What do you call a chav in a blender?
Mush.
* What do you call a dead chav?
Result.
* What do you call a chav with grass otters in his pockets?
Tony.
* Two chavs race off the edge of a cliff. Who wins?
Society.
* What do you call a fat chav?
Anything, they're all fat anyway...
* A couple want to have a bash at **** ***, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"**** *** is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from **** ***?"
"Certainly," replies the doc, "where did you think chavs came from?"
* What do you call a Chav in a white shell suit?
The Bride.
* What do you call a Chav who helps an old lady across the road?
Nice one.
* What do you call a Chav who pushes an old lady under a bus?
Wicked.
* Two chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
* What do you call a chav with 9 GCSEs?
A liar.
* What do you call a 30-year-old chavette?
Granny.
* What do you call a chav at college?
The cleaner.
* What do you call a chav with a knife wound?
Gutted.
* How does a girl chav turn the light on after ***?
She opens the car door.
* What do chavs get for their 21st?
Grandkids.
* What do you chavettes get when they start high school?
Pregnant.
* How many chavs does it take to tile a bathroom?
Only one, but you have to slice him thinly.
* What do you call a chav on fire?
Blazin'.
* You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
* What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
* What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"
* How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint go-faster stripes on it.
* What do you call a knife in chav-ville?
Exhibit A.
* What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A good start.
* Why did the chav take a shower?
He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash.
* Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
* How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!
* What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.
* What do you call an Alaskan chav?
Innuinnit.
* How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?
She is the most pregnant one.
* What do you call a chav with a gun?
A jew
* What do chavs use as protection during ***?
A bus shelter.
* A Chav walks into the job centre and says "I'd really like a job". So the bloke behind the counter says, "Oh I've got one here that's just right for you... ten hours a week, 400 hundred thousand a year, no qualifications required."
So the chav's little face lights up and he says "You're joking right?", somewhat awed at the prospect of it all.
So the job centre bloke says "Well, you started it."
* Why are chavs like laxatives?
Because they irritate the **** out of you.
* The Government have approached the chavs to ask them if they would like, on joining a single currency with europe, to have the currency of the country renamed. The chavs have replied that they prefer to keep is as the Giro.
* What’s the difference between a battery and a chav?
A battery has a positive side.
* What’s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?
Fathers' Day.
* What's green and gets you ******?
A Giro.
* Where do chavettes go for work?
Street corners.
* What do you call a chav waiting in a bus shelter?
At a party.
* Whats a chav's favourite car?
One without an alarm.
* What do you call a chav in a jar of honey?
Sweet.
* What is a chav's favourite ice cream?
Mint.
* What's the difference between a dying chav and an onion?
Onions make you cry.
* What's the difference between roadkill and a dead chav?
Roadkill has skid marks in front of it.
* What have chav girls got in common with tortoises?
When they're on their backs, they're ******.
* What's the difference between Jews in **** Germany and chavs?
One was given **** accommodation by the state and had to work long hours for no pay...
* What do you call a chav bleeding to death in the street?
Nothing. You just kick him in the head a few times for good measure.
You can't call him anything if you're laughing too hard.
Nothing. You take a photo to text to all your mates.
* What do you call a male chav with two brain cells?
Gifted.
* What do you call a female chav with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
* How do chavs like their orange juice?
Pure.
Stolen from Tescos.
* A chav realises that it's getting harder and harder to support his 13 kids on a dole cheque, so he decides to get a vasectomy to stop the problem getting any worse. The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit firecracker in a tin, and hold it while counting to fifteen. The chav buys some small fireworks and a tin of beans on the way home. When he gets home he empties the tin and puts a banger in it. He holds the tin in his left hand while counting on the other. He runs out of fingers, so transfers the tin to his right hand and resumes counting on his left. Then he runs out of fingers again, so holds the tin between his legs as he starts untying his shoes.
* Chav Physics: On holiday I met two chavs who decided to have a 'cliff-jump' race. Let's call them Olly and Arron. Arron is ~72kg, Olly is ~120kg. Arron, not being very bright, says that Olly will fall faster because he's heavier. They both work their braincells hard and conclude that Olly will reach terminal velocity 8 seconds before Arron (don?t ask me where they get their figures from!) The local guide book says the cliff drop is 340ft. Olly jumps 8 seconds after Arron. Who wins?
Society.
* Wha' r u lookin' at?
A Chav.
* How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.
* What do you say to a Chav with a job?
Can I have a big Mac please?
* What do you call 10,000 Chavs at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
9 months
* How can you tell if a Chavette is having an ******?
She drops her chips
* What's the difference between a chavette and a chav?
A chavette has a higher sperm count
* A chav girl goes to the Doctor complaining of a strange green rash on her inner thighs.
The doctor takes one look and says "Tell your boyfriend his gold earrings are fake".
* What key can open any lock?
A pi-key.
* What's the chav next door getting for Christmas?
Your bike.
* What do you say to a chav in a suit?
How do you plead?
Where's the bride?
Whose funeral are you off to?
* Four chavs drive off a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova. Why is it a shame?
A Vauxhall Nova seats five.
* Why is a chav like a Slinky?
Because they have no real use, but it's fun to watch one fall down the stairs.
* What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet arranged alphabetically?
Well sorted.
* What do you call a chav in a fridge?
Chilled.
* What do you call a chav in an elevator?
Raised
* What do you call a chav in a freezer?
Solid.
* What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
* What do you call a chav in a locked box?
Safe, innit.
* What do you call a chav in a blender?
Mush.
* What do you call a dead chav?
Result.
* What do you call a chav with grass otters in his pockets?
Tony.
* Two chavs race off the edge of a cliff. Who wins?
Society.
* What do you call a fat chav?
Anything, they're all fat anyway...
* A couple want to have a bash at **** ***, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"**** *** is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from **** ***?"
"Certainly," replies the doc, "where did you think chavs came from?"
* What do you call a Chav in a white shell suit?
The Bride.
* What do you call a Chav who helps an old lady across the road?
Nice one.
* What do you call a Chav who pushes an old lady under a bus?
Wicked.
* Two chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
* What do you call a chav with 9 GCSEs?
A liar.
* What do you call a 30-year-old chavette?
Granny.
* What do you call a chav at college?
The cleaner.
* What do you call a chav with a knife wound?
Gutted.
* How does a girl chav turn the light on after ***?
She opens the car door.
* What do chavs get for their 21st?
Grandkids.
* What do you chavettes get when they start high school?
Pregnant.
* How many chavs does it take to tile a bathroom?
Only one, but you have to slice him thinly.
* What do you call a chav on fire?
Blazin'.
* You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
* What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
* What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"
* How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint go-faster stripes on it.
* What do you call a knife in chav-ville?
Exhibit A.
* What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A good start.
* Why did the chav take a shower?
He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash.
* Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
* How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!
* What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.
* What do you call an Alaskan chav?
Innuinnit.
* How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?
She is the most pregnant one.
* What do you call a chav with a gun?
A jew
* What do chavs use as protection during ***?
A bus shelter.
* A Chav walks into the job centre and says "I'd really like a job". So the bloke behind the counter says, "Oh I've got one here that's just right for you... ten hours a week, 400 hundred thousand a year, no qualifications required."
So the chav's little face lights up and he says "You're joking right?", somewhat awed at the prospect of it all.
So the job centre bloke says "Well, you started it."
* Why are chavs like laxatives?
Because they irritate the **** out of you.
* The Government have approached the chavs to ask them if they would like, on joining a single currency with europe, to have the currency of the country renamed. The chavs have replied that they prefer to keep is as the Giro.
* What’s the difference between a battery and a chav?
A battery has a positive side.
* What’s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?
Fathers' Day.
* What's green and gets you ******?
A Giro.
* Where do chavettes go for work?
Street corners.
* What do you call a chav waiting in a bus shelter?
At a party.
* Whats a chav's favourite car?
One without an alarm.
* What do you call a chav in a jar of honey?
Sweet.
* What is a chav's favourite ice cream?
Mint.
* What's the difference between a dying chav and an onion?
Onions make you cry.
* What's the difference between roadkill and a dead chav?
Roadkill has skid marks in front of it.
* What have chav girls got in common with tortoises?
When they're on their backs, they're ******.
* What's the difference between Jews in **** Germany and chavs?
One was given **** accommodation by the state and had to work long hours for no pay...
* What do you call a chav bleeding to death in the street?
Nothing. You just kick him in the head a few times for good measure.
You can't call him anything if you're laughing too hard.
Nothing. You take a photo to text to all your mates.
* What do you call a male chav with two brain cells?
Gifted.
* What do you call a female chav with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
* How do chavs like their orange juice?
Pure.
Stolen from Tescos.
* A chav realises that it's getting harder and harder to support his 13 kids on a dole cheque, so he decides to get a vasectomy to stop the problem getting any worse. The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit firecracker in a tin, and hold it while counting to fifteen. The chav buys some small fireworks and a tin of beans on the way home. When he gets home he empties the tin and puts a banger in it. He holds the tin in his left hand while counting on the other. He runs out of fingers, so transfers the tin to his right hand and resumes counting on his left. Then he runs out of fingers again, so holds the tin between his legs as he starts untying his shoes.
* Chav Physics: On holiday I met two chavs who decided to have a 'cliff-jump' race. Let's call them Olly and Arron. Arron is ~72kg, Olly is ~120kg. Arron, not being very bright, says that Olly will fall faster because he's heavier. They both work their braincells hard and conclude that Olly will reach terminal velocity 8 seconds before Arron (don?t ask me where they get their figures from!) The local guide book says the cliff drop is 340ft. Olly jumps 8 seconds after Arron. Who wins?
Society.
* Wha' r u lookin' at?
A Chav.
* How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.
* What do you say to a Chav with a job?
Can I have a big Mac please?
* What do you call 10,000 Chavs at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Will probably 'cause offence to some nobs (like Redders 
) so don't read if your zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............
Two Liners.
* Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cause it was dead.
* A baby seal walks into a club...
Boom. Boom.
* How do you stop a dog ******** your leg?
Pick it up and suck its ****.
* Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because it was stuck on my ****.
* What's black and white and red all over?
Panda rape.
* What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding.
* What's got 100 balls and ***** rabbits?
A shotgun.
* Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn licking his balls.
So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
* What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
* What's got two legs and bleeds like a *****?
Half a dog.
* What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
* What's got five legs and goes "Woooof!"?
Piper Alpha.
* How do you make a cat go "Woooof!"?
Cover it in petrol and strike a match.
* What's got 4 legs and goes "Miaow"?
A frozen dog on a bench saw.
* What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
* What is green and smells of pork?
Kermit's fingers.
* What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
* What goes 'hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, thump thump'?
The little bunny I just ran over.
* How do you make a dog go meeeooowwww?
Tie it to a motorbike.
or Freeze it, then put it through a bandsaw
* What is worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A diseased ***** on your organ.
* What do you do if an elephant comes through the window?
Swim ! ! !
* What's green and red and goes round and round and round?
Kermit the Frog in a blender.
* What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey abortion!
* What's red and slimy and wrapped in newspaper ?
Abortion Of Chips
* What do Vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney
* Why do you wrap your parakeet in duct tape?
So it doesn't explode when you **** it.
* Whats green and goes red at the touch of a button?
A frog in a blender
* What do you call a Fish with no eyes
FFFFFSSSSSHHHH.
Long Jokes
* Dr. Doolittle walks through the jungle. Suddenly a laughing elephant walks by. He askes the elephant "Why are you laughing?" The elephant answers: "I justed ****** a monkey." Five minutes later another elephant walks by, laughing like ****. "Why are you laughing all the time?" asks Dr. Doolittle. "I just ****** a monkey." Dr. Doolittle gets curious why it is funny to **** a monkey. So he catches the next monkey from a tree and ***** it. After he finished he walked back to one of the laughing elephants and asks him: "I just ****** a monkey and there was nothing special about it." The elephant answers: "Yeah, but they don't explode when you get off."
* Three prisoners are standing in jail, and a new prisoner comes in. He goes up to the first prisoner, and says "What are you in for?". The first prisoner answers: "Armed robbery". The new prisoner says "Oh, shame you got caught". He then approaches the second prisoner and proceeds to ask him what he is in for. The second prisoner says "Rape". This newcomer again replies that he hopes he's out soon. The third prisoner then says "Hang on a minute, what are YOU in for?". The new prisoner replies "Oh, erm, I **** dogs". The third prisoner says "Oh, how low can you get?!"; the new prisoner replies: "Ooh, about as low as a Jack Russell..."
* Bloke joins the Foreign Legion and after a couple of weeks asks the Corporal where they go for a ****. "Theres a Camel round the back?" was the reply. Bloke is disgusted and walks off, but as time passes the camel looks more and more attractive. One night bloke goes round the back to the camel, gets it to sit down and ***** it like billy'o. Next morning he goes to the corporal and says, "I'd have never believed that mate, that camel is the best **** I have ever had!". "Yeah, we were surpirsed" said the Corporal, "We normally ride it to the brothel.."
) so don't read if your zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............Two Liners.
* Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cause it was dead.
* A baby seal walks into a club...
Boom. Boom.
* How do you stop a dog ******** your leg?
Pick it up and suck its ****.
* Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because it was stuck on my ****.
* What's black and white and red all over?
Panda rape.
* What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding.
* What's got 100 balls and ***** rabbits?
A shotgun.
* Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn licking his balls.
So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
* What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
* What's got two legs and bleeds like a *****?
Half a dog.
* What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
* What's got five legs and goes "Woooof!"?
Piper Alpha.
* How do you make a cat go "Woooof!"?
Cover it in petrol and strike a match.
* What's got 4 legs and goes "Miaow"?
A frozen dog on a bench saw.
* What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
* What is green and smells of pork?
Kermit's fingers.
* What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
* What goes 'hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, thump thump'?
The little bunny I just ran over.
* How do you make a dog go meeeooowwww?
Tie it to a motorbike.
or Freeze it, then put it through a bandsaw
* What is worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A diseased ***** on your organ.
* What do you do if an elephant comes through the window?
Swim ! ! !
* What's green and red and goes round and round and round?
Kermit the Frog in a blender.
* What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey abortion!
* What's red and slimy and wrapped in newspaper ?
Abortion Of Chips
* What do Vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney
* Why do you wrap your parakeet in duct tape?
So it doesn't explode when you **** it.
* Whats green and goes red at the touch of a button?
A frog in a blender
* What do you call a Fish with no eyes
FFFFFSSSSSHHHH.
Long Jokes
* Dr. Doolittle walks through the jungle. Suddenly a laughing elephant walks by. He askes the elephant "Why are you laughing?" The elephant answers: "I justed ****** a monkey." Five minutes later another elephant walks by, laughing like ****. "Why are you laughing all the time?" asks Dr. Doolittle. "I just ****** a monkey." Dr. Doolittle gets curious why it is funny to **** a monkey. So he catches the next monkey from a tree and ***** it. After he finished he walked back to one of the laughing elephants and asks him: "I just ****** a monkey and there was nothing special about it." The elephant answers: "Yeah, but they don't explode when you get off."
* Three prisoners are standing in jail, and a new prisoner comes in. He goes up to the first prisoner, and says "What are you in for?". The first prisoner answers: "Armed robbery". The new prisoner says "Oh, shame you got caught". He then approaches the second prisoner and proceeds to ask him what he is in for. The second prisoner says "Rape". This newcomer again replies that he hopes he's out soon. The third prisoner then says "Hang on a minute, what are YOU in for?". The new prisoner replies "Oh, erm, I **** dogs". The third prisoner says "Oh, how low can you get?!"; the new prisoner replies: "Ooh, about as low as a Jack Russell..."
* Bloke joins the Foreign Legion and after a couple of weeks asks the Corporal where they go for a ****. "Theres a Camel round the back?" was the reply. Bloke is disgusted and walks off, but as time passes the camel looks more and more attractive. One night bloke goes round the back to the camel, gets it to sit down and ***** it like billy'o. Next morning he goes to the corporal and says, "I'd have never believed that mate, that camel is the best **** I have ever had!". "Yeah, we were surpirsed" said the Corporal, "We normally ride it to the brothel.."