The Joke Thread

Arsenal are now 10/1 to win the title next season. For those that do not understand betting, that means if you bet £10 you will lose £10.
 
What do you call the infamous Russian nipple crippler? Ivan Rippaniplov.. XD Made that up myself!

A horse walks in to a bar.. Several people stand up and leave as they realise the potential danger in the situation.. XD Anti's FTW!!
 
Blonde - In my dream, rats play football!!

Doctor - Here, take this tablet, you will be ok.

Blonde - Doctor, is it ok if I take it tomorrow? Because today is the final match :) :)
 
I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream.

I'm seriously considering giving them back.

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When I gave my wife a penguin bar as a birthday present she looked up at me and said, "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Yes," I replied, "and on the inside there's a chocolate covered biscuit."

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I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends.

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I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.

"Well, I'm going to book a holiday for one."

"Oh goody" she screamed excitedly, "I can't wait!"

Can't help thinking she's misunderstood what I said.
 
Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment. I guess it's because she's been lying in the Sun all week.
 
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BBC news: Met Police to help in Madeleine Hunt.

Nice to see their response time hasn't been affected by the cuts.
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A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to let Jesus into my home.

"Jesus can come in" I said, "but you can **** off."
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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.
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My son is learning to drive, and has been going on about me buying him a new car.

"I'll need an L-plate too", he said.

What a relief, 1993 cars are ******* cheap.
 
think that Emile Heskey could play better today if he spent more time training and less time endorsing Premier Inn.
 
I just bought the Madeleine McCann book yesterday, i left it in my room but now I can't find it.
 
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:(
 
CJACKO11 said:
I just bought the Madeleine McCann book yesterday, i left it in my room but now I can't find it.
Click to expand...

Kate McCann; "Madeleine was hard not to love."

Although not someone you'd want to take to a restaurant it seems.
 
What have Madeleine Mccann and Osama Bin Laden got in common?

They both had their back doors smashed in before being dumped at the bottom of the ocean.
 
I've just finished reading Kate McCann's new book.

She's left the door open for a sequel.
 
I got kicked out of the bookstore today. Apparently I wasn't allowed to move Kate McCann's book into the murder mystery section.
 
Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment. I guess it's because she's been lying in the Sun all week.
 
Alex Ferguson and Kenny Dalglish walk into a bar.
Bartender turns round to Dalglish and says "Sorry Kenny over 18's only"
 
Whats worse then Liverpool losing to Blackpool in their worst ever season?

Tottenham losing to Blackpool in their best ever season.
 
I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few kilometres of the Great Manchester Run yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.
 
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