The Joke Thread
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lynchyyyy
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SFA have decided to extend the transfer window for an extra day as they had jury duty yesterday !!
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"Hi, Jim White? Looking for a great story? This is unnamed from an unnamed top european club, we've offered 9 million for Jelavic-honest"
a bit long but quite funny 
Dad buys a lie detecter robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you tosay?”
The son says “At school Dad.”
Robot slaps the son “Ok! I watched a DVD at my friends house!”
“What DVD?”
“”Toy Story .”
Robot slaps the son again. “Ok! It was *****!” cries the son
Dad yells. “What?! When i was your age, I didn’t know what **** was!”
Robot slaps the dad. Mum laughs “Hahaha! He’s certainly YOUR son”
...Robot then slaps the mum.
Dad buys a lie detecter robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you tosay?”
The son says “At school Dad.”
Robot slaps the son “Ok! I watched a DVD at my friends house!”
“What DVD?”
“”Toy Story .”
Robot slaps the son again. “Ok! It was *****!” cries the son
Dad yells. “What?! When i was your age, I didn’t know what **** was!”
Robot slaps the dad. Mum laughs “Hahaha! He’s certainly YOUR son”
...Robot then slaps the mum.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty ****!" said the fairy.
(H)
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty ****!" said the fairy.
(H)
A couple of racist jokes. If your going to be offended dont look.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just fostered a Muslim kid. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, Golly you're tall.
Last week me and this Indian from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton: because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away” but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Just fostered a Muslim kid. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, Golly you're tall.
Last week me and this Indian from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton: because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away” but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
[h=6]When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm ******* sick of getting socks for my birthday!"
"You ungrateful ****!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!"
I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in.
If he had legs
[/h]
"You ungrateful ****!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!"
I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in.
If he had legs
[/h]
L
lynchyyyy
Guest
Edinburgh sheriff court lost and found dept would like the jury members who left behind flutes,drums,sashes and Rangers scarves to get in touch ASAP to reclaim them.
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole. The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and ****. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs
[h=6]A Spurs Fan, a Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The Spurs fan insists that he is the most loyal and he yells, "this is for Tottenham!" and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be out done, the Manchester United fan next professes his love for his team. He screams, "this is for the Manchester United" and pushes the Liverpool fan off the mountain.[/h]
Not to be out done, the Manchester United fan next professes his love for his team. He screams, "this is for the Manchester United" and pushes the Liverpool fan off the mountain.[/h]
