The Joke Thread

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After a hard day at work, all Emile Heskey wanted to do was relax and kick back... ...but he missed.
 
Some might find last joke offensive

These Heskey jokes are crossing the line, unlike his shots.

What is the difference between a battery and a Scouser fan?
A battery has a positive side.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
 
Lionel Messi once entered the bedroom of a girl with whom he hoped to score.

The girl tells him to get comfortable and she leaves the room to go freshen up.

To her horror, when she returns, she finds him lying on the bed with two guys next to him, and shouts: "WHAT THE **** IS THIS?"...

Smiling, Messi calmly replies: "I am sorry dear, but I can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta!

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7IHMj.jpg
 
‎"Oh **** big brother's back again" Said Ryan Giggs as he climbed in the wardrobe
 
It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy **** sister nice ****!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "
 
so the big brother house has jedward & a swimming pool ?..........were the **** is barrymore when you need him!!!
 
JordanK said:
It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy **** sister nice ****!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "
Click to expand...

Didn't get it
 
Arsene Wenger goes in a shop and say's "Hello,have you got any dog food?",,
The shopkeeper say's "Winalot?",,
Arsene says "Dont take the ****
 
A guy and God are talking...

God says, "Well you've been a good Christian, so I'm giving you one wish."

"Wow, a wish," says the man. "Hmm,well I love going to Hawaii but the airlines are always so expensive. Could you make a bridge from California to Hawaii?"

God says, "What? Do you have any idea how much man power and engineering goes into that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry God," the man says, "I didn't mean to put to put that kind of pressure on you."

A few minutes pass and the man says, "I want to understand women."

"So do you want the highway to be two or four lanes?"
 
Carlos Tevez has just designed his own range of george foreman grills, he so proud of it he put his face on it.

I really admire Carlos Tevez.
He looks like the kind of player who has constantly put his neck on the line for his team-mates.
 
I've just read an article comparing Everton to The Bermuda Triangle. That's just stupid. The Bermuda Triangle has 3 points.
 
Could have had a dig at Arsenal's misfortune there, poor show! But I approve of Everton makingfun of.
 
"Mercedes buy young lad a bionic hand for £35'000."

That's **** all. I've just heard on the radio some Russian has paid Inter Milan £24 million for a toe.
 
Irish Scouse said:
Could have had a dig at Arsenal's misfortune there, poor show! But I approve of Everton makingfun of.
Click to expand...

Well, things are laughibly bad, so though i'd get the first shot in lol. There's going to be a lot more incoming I suspect
 
We're playing Emile Heskey as a trequartista.

I rather think the thread can be ended now.
 
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