The Joke Thread

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Craig Whyte asked Ally McMoist this morning how far he was from a team who can compete in Europe He said "about 6 miles.
 
Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

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what did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up *****.

classy...
 
Heres a few more :)
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[TD]A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return.
She said I could play with her *******.

I thought…That’s Fair….*** for Tat.

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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

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Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a ***, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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You wont be hearing from me for a while mate.
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
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News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car
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Man ******** 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
He Said "No! Its burning my ****!"

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong...

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So when no one's looking, you might have to stick it in a disabled one.
 
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

WATERSLIDES
POOL SLIDES
 
Who named trojan condoms? the trojan horse entered through the city gates broke open and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyones day
 
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
 
Wife gets naked and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
 
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