Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

Wednesday, 7 December 2022

8:55am

A slight break in the World Cup news, I got news about my upcoming youth intake. Hopefully, hiring Dieter Eilts pays off!

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12:30ish

"Hallo, Christian," FC Heidenham 1846 Manager Christian Flüthmann said.

"Ciao, Christian, this is Enrico Pucci."

"Ja, how are you?"

"I'm good. I'm actually calling about the World Cup."

"Oh? Really ... uh ... what about it? You want to place a bet with me?"

"Ha! I hadn't thought about that," I said. "Maybe. Well, the Italy-Brazil game kicks off minutes after ours ends. I'm offering everyone on your bus a match watching party in the Fritz-Walter cafeteria. We can all watch together."

"Um ... that is a really generous offer," Christian replied. "Ja, we were going to watch it on the bus."

"Ja, been there, done that," I said. "It beats watching on your phone, but ..."

"Um ... ja ... uh ... lets do it," Christian said. "We'll just have to arrange some details."

"We'll turn a corner of the cafeteria into a temporary physio room so if your players need treatment, they can get it without missing any action," I said. "Obviously, we can't offer cryo-tubs or anything but we'll have massage tables and all the assorted equipment you'd need available."

"That sounds great," he said. "Ja, we'll take you up on your offer. Thank you so much."

"I'll text you my Head Physio's info," I said. "You all can make any post-match treatment requests to her. Just let me know if there is anything else."

"Ja, sounds great and we'll see you on Saturday," Christian said. "Thanks again."

"Ciao."

Click.
 
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Friday, 9 December 2022

England and Columbia are through to the semi-finals!

Jack Grealish burst down the left in the 4th minute, beat Chelsea's César Azpilicueta like a rented mule and whipped in a back post cross. Raheem Sterling scored from 2m. England looked really sharp and the Spaniards never really got going.


Colombia dominated the match. They scored from a corner, but had many more chances than Uruguay. Uruguay's best chance came from a free kick. Luis Suarez lobbed a free kick into the box and Daniel De Arrascaeta's header hit the post.


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Saturday, 10 December 2022

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First off, we played Heidenheim. And its a GEORGOUS winter day. 18ºC is rare this late in the year.

We wasted a lot of good opportunities. Muhammed Kiprit didn't have a good game and I'm wondering when Saydou Bangura will ever score again.

But Boris Tomiak was at the right place at the right time to score from a corner after Bangura headed in his direction. It kind of looked like Bangura mishit his header, but it went right to Tomiak. I know how this works, you always claim that you intended that way. Boris was a meter out and the goal was wide open.

As per usual, we did a good enough job defending the lead though Avdo Spahic had to bail out his defense twice in the the last fifteen minutes.

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And then everyone was showered and all that and both squads and staff gathered in the Fritz-Walter cafeteria for the Italy-Brazil match. Everyone hit the buffet as the anthems played.

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It was a great match. Brazil created loads of chances. The Italians cleared virtually all crosses into their box and blocked four shots. Gianluigi Donarumma was outstanding. While Brazil were constantly pressing for a goal, the Italians were dangerous on the counter. Substitute Moise Kean was the hero with a late goal from a brilliant passing play. Brazil could have won 6-1 for all the chances they created.

It was a great match watching party with Heidenheim and they might just make it home in time to catch the late match kickoff.

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Mexico had a stinker more than Switzerland beat them. If past is future, Mexico's attack keeps falling apart in the same, sad way.

I don't know about you, but it sure seems like this is set up for a rematch of the 2020 Euros final.

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Sunday, 11 December 2022

After the post-match video review, I headed home to get a little time with my kids. I've been ignoring Gwen and them because of the World Cup.

So much going on today. The second, third and fourth place teams in the 2.Liga all play today. I'm hoping for stellar performances from their opposition: Holstein Kiel, Hannover and Osnabrück.

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As per usual, I had the Nürnberg match on the television, Bielefeld on my iPad and Schalke on Gwen's.

At least Holstein Kiel showed up to play. We have a six point cushion for automatic promotion.

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Monday, 12 December 2022

8am

"Good morning, everyone," I said as I walked into the cafeteria.

I set the bottle and plastic cups down. Everyone looked at me utterly baffled.

"No espresso?" Ulf asked.

"What the f***?" Jörg said picking up the bottle.

"I already had two this morning," I replied to Ulf.

"What, this s***?" Jörg asked.

"No, espressos, you silly man," I replied. "That's sparkling apple juice."

"You're high class, Pucci," Agnieszka said picking the bag of plastic cups. "What does one celebrate with apple juice and plastic cups?"

"Winter champions," I replied. "And non-alcoholic for Jörg." Next week was the Nürnberg match. As in 1.FCN. As in the 17th match of the 34 match season They were second and couldn't catch us. "You all follow? Get it?"

There was nodding and murmurs of approval.

"Alright, crack that baby open, Jörg, lets celebrate," I said.

Jörg rolled his eyes, cracked the seal and poured everyone a glass of apple juice. Then we all toasted our accomplishment before we got down to the business of planning our week.
 
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Tuesday, 13 December 2022

Colombia v Italy. This one turned out to be the kind of semi-final of which you dream. Both sides attacking relentlessly. Stalwart defending, Controversial calls by the referee. A no hold's barred slugfest.

Just check out the stats: Italy hit the woodwork three times, Colombia once.

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Italy dominated the first half. The match should have been done and dusted. Shoulda coulda woulda ... Colombia went on a rampage in the second half and deserved their equalizer. But Italy's quality came through as the Colombia goal re-awakened them. They pushed relentlessly for the winner ... and got two in extra time.

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Wednesday, 14 December 2022

England were on fire against Switzerland. Raheem Sterling was unplayable and that's not to take away from the performances by Jack Grealish and Marcus Rashford. The Swiss never really had any idea how to cope with Grealish and Sterling on the wings.

The English could have scored a dozen. The final will be epic.

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Thursday, 15 December 2022

8:45am

"Ciao, Enrico," I said.

"Good morning, Enrico, its Robert Klauß." Klauß was manager of 1.FC Nürnberg, our opponents on Sunday.

"Ja, hey. What's up?"

"I'm not sure you're aware, but we're offering attendees to Sunday's match the opportunity to watch The Final on the big screen afterwards. That extends to your squad and staff as well."

The World Cup Finall kicks off at 3pm, our match at 1pm.

"Ja, thank you for the offer," I replied. "It sounds a lot better than watching on the bus. We'd love to join you."

"Great. I haven't really thought through the details, yet, but we'll have to figure out a post-match meal and seating. I've got people to take care of that stuff, though. We'll be in touch."

"It sounds like you've already talked to the weather gods."

Forecast was for clear and between 55-60ºF / 13-15ºC.

"Ja, for sure," Klauß chuckled. "We sacrificed a physio and a loan signing for some good weather."

"Alright, good luck on Sunday."

"Ja, you too but, you know, not too much."

"Ciao."

Click.
 
Saturday, 17 December 2022

On Friday night, Armenia Bielefeld missed an opportunity to move into the promotion playoff spot and drew with Osnabrück. Erzgebirge Aue beat Dresden with late goals in the other Friday match.

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This afternoon, Schalke drew with Ingolstadt.

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The ref blew three blasts and we'd done it. Seven points clear at the top, eight clear for automatic promotion!

I immediately walked over and shook hands with Robert Klauß and then his assistant. I then walked out onto the Max Morlock stadium pitch.

"Well done Silva," I said as I hugged second half substitute Amilcar Silva. "Well done." Lorenzo Filippini hadn't had the best afternoon and Silva had gone on in the 63rd minute.

"You're a f***ing magician," I said as I hugged Marlon Ritter. He'd set up Muhammed Kiprit twice.

"Muhammed, Muhammed, Muhammed," I said as I hugged my striker. "That was massive, massive."

We all jogged over and saluted the Roten Teufel.

Then it was into the away team room for quick showers before the Final kickoff.

We returned to the pitch to chairs set out on the track that surrounds the field just below the big screen. The 1.FCN staff had laid out a really nice buffet of sausages, spätzle, pasta salad, roast chicken and fruit. So we all loaded up plates and settled in for the World Cup Final from Qatar.

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What a match and what a magical afternoon! Early goal from the Azzurri but the English pegged them back before halftime. The second half was frenetic but goalless. So we went to extra time.

Marcus Rashford probably earned himself a knighthood for the toe poke from the Jordan Henderson cross.

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Monday, 19 December 2022

And with that, we're on winter break.

We flew to Cadiz, Spain as we often do for some family time.

As you may recall, I managed Cadiz. It was my first managerial job. I fell in love with the city.

We stay in a little boutique hotel in the old city.

We have dinner plans with my good friend Esteban tonight. I wandered into Esteban's barbershop when I first arrived in the city. He convinced me to go bald. I had bald spot on top anyways.

But first, its off to the beach with Allison and Matthew.
 
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Welcome to the winter break edition of the Rötliche und Teuflisch podcast. I’m your host Werner. I am joined by my friend Jakob. Well, Jakob?

Jakob: Ja, what a first half of the season. And what fun yesterday, ja?

Werner: That was very cool. Nürnberg showed the World Cup Final for everyone who wanted to stay after the match. And a thrilling match in a Final. That doesn’t happen every often. You know what would be really cool? If you liked and subscribed.

Jakob: No. Not so often. Very gracious of them to let everyone watch together.

W: But lets turn to our team and how they performed yesterday. Quite a performance by Kiprit and Ritter, ja?

J: Definitely. And we needed it. Our defense had a tough afternoon.

W: Ja, they did, didn’t they. Our opponents are the top scoring team in the league so if there was a match in which we would struggle defensively, it was always going to be this one. Let’s start with our first goal.

J: Ja, ok. Corner from Ritter was cleared. He got it back. He sent another cross in and somebody redirected it, but it was blocked.

W: Wasn’t it Rene Klingenburg?

J: It was hard to tell from where I was sitting in the other end, but, ja, someone tall …

W: Nonetheless …

J: and it fell to Kiprit who scored from two meters. Right place, right time.

W: I think we were due after all the near misses and posts.

J: Ja, sure. We have been creating many chances this season. Clearly, we’ve been creating enough to be in first by seven points, but we could have scored so much more.

W: Nürnberg hit us back right before the break.

J: Ja, they did and it was deserved. We just couldn’t handle their wingbacks today. Nürnberg set up very narrow and play a four-four-two with a diamond midfield, no wingers. You would think we just need to sit narrow defensively and we shut them down. Except their fullbacks pushed really high up the pitch and caused chaos.

W: Filippini and Murano were unable to stop the cross which led to the goal. Tomiak wasn’t marking his man at the far post and what do you know, a free header goal.

J: In the 70th minute, our two substitutes combined for the second goal. Silva drove down the left, crossed to the back post. Great header by Arce.

W: Greater save by their keeper.

J: But the ball fell to Kiprit.

W: And he poked it in from five meters. And boy did their supporters go silent.

J: Ja, Kiprit is getting a reputation as a big game performer. Yet another star on his lapel, so to speak.

W: And then he struck again. Yet another assist to Ritter.

J: Silva and Ritter were trying to create an overload on our left side and Ritter found himself with loads of time and space. He hit his cross right towards their keeper.

W: I’m not sure why the keeper didn’t come out to claim this one.

J: Ja, maybe not the best goalkeeping. Sometimes you need to charge out and either punch or claim the ball. Regardless, Kiprit leapt and only got the slightest touch to it.

W: Which is all the was required.

J: But then they made it close.

W: Ja, direct from the restart. Its almost like they scored directly from the restart.

J: Very nearly. I counted four passes. The important one being the long ball into the channel.

W: Hüsing failed on that one.

J: Ja, I imagine that Pucci will replace him with Wagué after that blunder. But these things happen in Fußball. Its what happened next that matters. And what happened next is that we held them. They kept the ball in our end and launched in crosses which we repelled, tried to create shooting chances which we blocked.

W: And we wasted a lot of time laying on the ground, cramping, delaying goal kicks, taking forever to do throw-ins. Really sucked any momentum out of the game.

J: Ja, job well done. Which is really how I would describe the first half of the season. We’ve carried on straight from where we left off last season.

W: Best new signing?

J: Hmmm … well … I guess Billy Arce but with some competition from Molla Wagué. But probably Billy. Three goals and one assist. I give it to Billy because Cissé, Hüsing and Wagué have all played alongside Tomiak, whereas, Billy has started nearly every match.

W: Except for yesterday.

J: Hah! Ja, except for yesterday. I guess Pucci wanted to send a message.

W: Lets talk team statistics.

J: Okay. Let’s start with what we don’t care about. Possession. We’re 8th in the league with 50%. Pucci is fine with letting them have the ball. But otherwise, we’re near the top in xG, Goals … uh … though we’re a long ways behind Nürnberg … they have 35 we are third with 24.

W: They are free scoring.

J: Ja. While we’re near the top in any offensive category, its really our defense that stands out. We have allowed the fewest goals. But its how we accomplished this that I find interesting. We don’t defend by winning tackles. We’re third from the bottom in that category. When we do tackle, we’re the best percentage-wise. Also, we don’t intercept passes all that often.

W: Okay, what’s your theory.

J: We wait for them to make a mistake. Think about it. We defend narrow and pack the top of the box. There is just no way through. So teams try to exploit the flanks. We’re second in heading ... though that includes offensive headers ... and third in headers won percentage. So we rely on our tall defenders to clear their crosses which, generally, they do really well.

W: Ja, that bears out from what I see every week.

J: Right. We sit tightly and let them mess up. Oh, and here’s the the other thing about all of this and really goes to show how well Pucci is doing: we are third bottom on spending. Guess how much Werder Bremen and Schalke are spending on salary this season?

W: I don’t know, twenty million?

J: Werder are spending almost eighteen and Schalke almost sixteen. We are spending just a tiny bit above six million. So eleven wins, five draws and one loss on a 3.Liga pay scale. And that is considering all our existing players got promotion raises and we added better, more expensive players.

W: Well, no questions this week as your Mom is on vacation.

J: As we all should be.

W: Ja, enjoy your winter breaks everyone, we’ll be back when the season resumes.

J: So go away now.
 
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Monday late pm

"Where are children?" Esteban asked incredulously in English as he hugged Gwen. Gwen doesn't speak Spanish but will try.

"We sold them," I replied. Gwen drew a hand back to swat me. I feigned ducking and blocking. Then Esteban and I hugged. In Spanish I said: "We brought a camera. Its connected to an old iPad. I'm paying the staff to keep an eye on Allison and Matthew via the iPad. Matthew knows how to dial zero on the hotel phone. We practiced. The beach wore them both out so I think it'll be fine. Famous last words: it'll be fine." I shrugged.

Then Gwen and I exchanged hugs with his partner Miguel.

"It is late, for Germanians," Esteban said in English. "Bed times." Then switching to Spanish to the host: "Table for four, Esteban."

We soon had wine and were noshing almonds and olives. Miguel speaks English so he and Gwen began chatting.

"I'm glad to see Cadiz are doing well," I said in Spanish. They were leading La Liga2.

"Si, Los Submarino Amarillo had a great start. I hope ..." he crossed himself. "... we will be back in La Liga next season."

"You were just unlucky that second season, last season."

"Fate is often cruel," Esteban said. "Relegated on goal difference. Every goal in La Liga is so massively important for a club like Cadiz. But enough about my club. Your club is magnificient. I saw the match against ... um ... Ozzna brook ... Those German names are so difficult. That young man of Turkish decent is a monster."

Muhammed Kiprit had a hat trick in the win against Osnabrück.

"Si, we are playing good defense and creating enough chances that a few get over the line."

"A few," he said. "You make me laugh. A few. You are running away with a league title yet again. You did it at Wimbledon, at Bologna, last season. You are like a thief in the night. Get far away before anyone knows what is missing."

"How is business?" I asked.

"The players all want the latest haircuts from the basketball in America. Its crazy. I'm just waiting for some player in England to do something crazy and then I'll be doing that for everyone." A few players had gone to Esteban for cuts when I was manager and he'd become the unofficial barber for Los Submarino Amarillo. "How are Matthew and Allison, I can't wait to see them."

"They're good. I think you'll be amazed by how big they are. Allison will talk circles around you. She's learning Spanish and quickly. She's really quite good. Matthew, too, its just he's not much interested. Lately its Spiderman. Everything Spideman, all the time."

Food arrived. We hadn't ordered. That's Esteban.

"Okay, I must ask you," he said. "How will you keep Kaiserslautern in the Bundesliga next season."

"Oh? So we're going up?"

"Pfahh."

"Alright, that's a fair question," I said setting my fork and knife down. "It deserves an answer. First, you said it yourself, any goal we score in the Bundesliga will be precious. Secondly, we'll be on a wave of confidence. We need to get to a dozen points as early as possible. Before the realization sets in that we're competing against players whose single salary is larger than our entire salary budget. We'll have a rough November or December. Maybe both. But we need to rebound in January or February. Its easier than you think because the conditions will be cold and miserable. We will use them to our advantage. And a little luck. Oh and I'll improve our wingbacks, wingers and get a forward to play alongside Kiprit. I'll just do what I did at Bologna. That worked."

"But now is different than Bologna?" he asked.

"Night and day. So different. How are you and Miguel?"

"We are still like starstruck young lovers except we are old. We are good."

"That's great to hear," I said. "Oh, miss." I said to our waitress and handed her my credit card. "I'm paying. Under no circumstances are you to allow this man here or that man across the table to convince you otherwise, okay?"

"Si Señor," she said and winked at Esteban.
 
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Tuesday, 20 December 2022

9ish AM

"Hallo."

"Hey, Ulf. How are you?"

"Good Enrico, ja. Really good. Where are you taking your winter break? Spain?"

"Ja, we're in Cadiz."

"Oh, nice."

"And you?"

"Tangiers."

"Ooh," I exclaimed. "Exotic. Nice. So how was the World Cup?"

"Hot," Ulf replied. "I went out for a run a couple times. At 5AM. Hot."

"How was the match experience?"

"The stadiums were air conditioned so it wasn't as hot as it could be. My complaint was there just wasn't much else to do. I mainly stayed in my hotel room."

"How was your hotel?"

"Luxurious, opuluent. The opposite of how Die Mannschaft played."

"Ja, they were pretty poor."

"Heads will roll," Ulf said. "Well, I'm off for some breakfast. Have fun in Spain."

"Thanks. See you back home."

Click.
 
Monday, 2 January 2023

Not much going on. I mean aside from going over a bazillion scouting reports. I'm having fun in Cadiz with the family.

Cissé and Möller were recalled as expected. Zwickau offered a loan for actual money for Hendrick Zuck which I accepted in a quick second. He'd turned toxic and was training alone so I'm just happy he's gone. His contract expires this summer so asta la vista.

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Tuesday, 3 January 2023

Okay, I lied. There is stuff going on. I'll need a striker on loan. Preferably one that can score goals. So I asked the board for an increase in the payroll. They granted it! So with not paying Cissé anymore, I've got 17k for a striker on loan.

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Wednesday, 4 January 2023

7:29pm

"Oliver, thanks for meeting with me," I said. We shook hands.

"I'm Pedro," the man who must be his agent said. We shook.

"I have a table for us in the back," Oliver Batista-Meier said.

The host led us back to a secluded booth in the back corner of the restaurant.

"How was your drive to München?" Pedro asked.

"It was good," I replied. "Traffic was light."

"My Dad is really excited about this," Oliver said. Oliver was born and raised in Kaiserlautern. Bayern bought him from Kaiserslautern when he was 16.

"I bet he is," I said. "I bet your Mom said she'd get your room ready for you?"

"How did you know?" Oliver said, laughing. "You are doing amazing with the club. Winter champions by seven! Wow!"

"Ja, thanks," I said. "I've got really good people on board. Ulf Kirsten, Jörg Weber, Lorenzo D'Anna who I worked with at Lazio. Wolfgang Wimmer from my time at Eintracht."

"THE Jörg Weber?" Oliver asked. "I've heard stories."

"Ja, Jörg himself."

"This might just be the weirdest contract negotiations that I have ever been a part of," Pedro interjected. "I assume we'll talk money once your little lovefest is over?"

"Ja, potentially," I said. "I've had some weird ones. Maybe its me."

"I just want to show Bayern they are wrong about me," Oliver said. "They've never given me a chance."

The waiter approached, we ordered.

"Ja, I like that," I said. "I like that hunger, the determination. I'd like you to show them. I like that you can play anywhere across the midfield. I look for you to fit in where you can do the most damage. We play two central midfielders in front of a defensive, holding midfielder and with a lone winger. I foresee you playing primarily as the lone winger but you'll slot in the middle if Ritter or Klingenburg are hurt or out of form. Plus Ritter is 28 and Klingy is 29. Long term, I see you as my midfield magician."

"Okay," Oliver said.

"That's all well and good," Pedro said. "And everyone here knows he wants to join."

"But you want to see the money, don't you, Pedro?" He nodded. "Ja, both of you will be happy. Fear not."

The waiter delivered our drinks.

"So first, you've got to get Die Roten Teufel promoted," Oliver said.

"Ja, we're looking good," I said. "I'll make a couple of loan signing to push us over the promotion finish line. Maybe you if Bayern is amenable to loaning you to us prior to you signing with us in the summer."

"Oh, really?" Oliver said.

"Ja, I'll try," I said. "We'll see. Its a tricky little dance. So, Pedro, you didn't fly in just for this little meeting, did you?"

"Ha, no," Pedro said. "Just was here visiting my clients in Europe and my German ones this week. Pure coincidence."

Our food arrived so we stopped talking business and stuffed our faces.

"That was lovely," I said pushing my plate away. "Feijoada? That's what you call it?" They both nodded. "Sweet lord its filling."

"Ja, you've got to be careful," Pedro said.

"Is this the only Brazilian restaurant in Germany?" I asked.

"I think there are three," Oliver said.

"Shall we talk money before we all fall asleep?" Pedro joked.

"Ja, quick," I said. "I'm definitely going to need an espresso before I drive home. Alright here's the deal." I slid my offer across the table. "10K per week, heavy on bonuses for goals and assists. I think the signing bonus and agent fee are acceptable, ja?" They both nodded. "Do you want a release clause?"

"We would," Pedro said.

"How much?"

"2.5 million," Pedro said.

"Hmm ... I'd prefer 5 million but only for clubs in higher divisions, do you object? I plan on making you a star, Oliver."

"Would you stop sweet talking him?" Pedro exclaimed then laughed. He looked at Oliver. Oliver shrugged. "Alright 5 is fine."

"Okay, what else? I said. Pedro was frowning at the contract.

"We'd like 13K per week after 15 games and 16K after 20."

"Fine," I said. "Let me make the adjustments." I pulled out my iPad and updated my offer. I slid it over to them. Oliver used a fingertip to sign it. So did Pedro. Then I signed. Then I submitted the offer to the DFB.

We all stood and shook.

"Pleasure doing business, Pedro," I said.

"Ja, well Oliver wants to sign for you so that simplifies things," Pedro said.

The waiter walked over with the bill.

"I insist that I pay," I said and grabbed the bill before they could. They both smiled and shrugged.
 

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We needed to get ready for the resumption of the 2.Liga and we needed to make some money. So Gisela had arranged for a league with the three Dutch giants Ajax, Feyernoord and PSV Eindhoven.

My starting eleven played well. My kids did well, too. In the Sunday match, the starting eleven won 1-0, the backups and kids lost 0-3. So, yeah, we lost, but the starting eleven looked good and my kids got valuable experience.

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Wednesday, 11 January 2023

11:45am

I saw Agnieszka Tobiaj-Kolodziej walking through the cafeteria.

"Oh, s***," I muttered.

"Oh f***," Jörg added following my gaze.

"Ja, bad news my friends," ATK said seeing the looks of fear on our faces. "Julian Niehues. How many times have I said that if you feel something, come see me? Don't keep training if you feel something? Well, he's got a thigh bruise. He's likely going to miss the Bielefeld game on Sunday."

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