Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 9 April 2023

1:30pm

All employees, coaches and players were gathered in the cafeteria for the Armenia-Bielefeld - SpVgg Greuther Fürth match. There were three giant TVs appropriately spaced so that everyone could see from any table. Everyone was jovial but nervous. Ja, it was a party but we didn't know if it was going to be a good party or not.

I snagged two sausages and some spätzele.

Bielefeld were in the home kit of white shirts with blue stripes and black shorts. The Cloverleafs were in their third kit of sky blue shirt and black shorts.

Bielefeld took the first shot in anger in the 4th minute. A large minority shouted encouragement to the defense at the televisions.

In the 6th, the home side had a free kick out near the sidelines. They hit the cross towards the back post where eight players were gathered. Someone in a white shirt headed it goalward. Everyone in the cafeteria gasped as it skimmed the crossbar.

Bielefeld were really taking it to the visitors to start the match.

Greuther Fürth finally broke upfield in the 11th minute. Suddenly, they passed the ball out to the right back who was in acres of space. A Bielefeld defender sprinted out to challenge and the fullback took off for the end line.

He whipped in a cross towards the back post.

And a Greuther Fürth player met it with a solid header that bulged the netting!

0-1

A few glasses were spilt and one plate shattered on the floor as everyone leapt to their feet in celebration.

The left winger Kyereh was our hero. We chanted his name for a few minutes.

I sat back down and took a bite of sausage. I was too wound up to sit, though. We coaches had two tables at the back so I got up and began pacing.

"F***, Enrico," Jörg said. "Its not even our match. You're still going to f***ing pace the sidelines?"

The two tables of coaches all laughed. it was true, though. I was too nervous to sit.

Greuther Fürth held out until halftime somehow. I decided that my cold sausages would go better with a cold pasta salad and acquired the pasta salad. I managed to eat some of it before the second half kicked off.

The Bielefeld manager must've said something because they came out storming. Their only problem was their poor finishing.

In the 52nd, minute we were all chanting the Greuther Fürth keeper's name after he blocked the shot when the Bielefeld striker was in alone.

He made a diving save from a header from the resulting corner.

After sustained pressure Greuther Fürth finally broke forward in the 70th minute. Goalscorer nearly became provider except for a brilliant diving same from the Bielefeld keeper.

The Bielefeld keeper was forced to make another great save in the 79th.

Was this going to be our lucky day?

The minutes slowly rolled by and the home side just were not able to threaten.

Everyone was standing and shouting encouragement at the televisions as the clock rolled past 90 minutes. Four minutes of extra time.

C'mon Greuther Fürth! You can do it!

Then the ref blew the final whistle and bedlam broke out in the cafeteria.

Out of nowhere everyone was spraying non-alcoholic champagne.

Suddenly, people behind me were pouring something wet and cold over me. I licked my lips; lemonade. I tried to wipe it out of my eyes but it stung. Someone put a towel in my hand so I could wipe my eyes.

By the time I could see, everybody was soaked and the cafeteria was a f***ing disaster zone.

Everybody was hugging everybody. It turned out to be a heck of a party.

Hopefully, the European Union would send in a clean up team.

 

[MatthewElphinstone]

SIUUUUUUUUUUU

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 10 April 2023

10:03 am

"Ciao, Enrico," I said answering the phone. I was at home. We'd given everyone the day off. The only people at the Fritz-Walter were a few guys from security.

"Hallo Enrico its Sören." Sören Oliver Voigt is the Managing Director.

"Good morning, Sören, what's up?"

"We have a board meeting tonight to set the transfer budget and new wage salary limit. Do you have any requests?"

"Ja, sure. More coaches."

"For the first team?" Sören asked.

"Ja."

"They'll want a reason why.

"Of course. We can reduce the workload. We can specialize more which will translate into better performances. We will need to be better to stay in the Bundesliga and I see this as crucial to avoiding relegation next season."

"Alright," Sören said. I heard a pen scratching in the background. "Workload, specialization, and be better ... to avoid ... relegation. Those are good arguments."

"Ja. What are my odds?"

"Ja, you never know. I'll text tonight with their response."

"Thanks, Sören. Ciao."

"Wiedersehn."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 10 April 2023

8:16pm

My phone binged for a message.

Sören Oliver Voigt

Good news, bad news, Enrico. no to more coaches.

Well, f***. You'd think after getting your f***ing club promoted twice, the f***ing golden boy would get his f***ing wish.

Seriously? Oh well. I cant pretend I'm not disappointed. Is that the good news or the bad news?​

Ha, no. You can hire 2 more scouts, 2 more physios.

Okay, thats useful. did they say why?​

The usual bulls***. I'm sorry, I tried.

At least you have a transfer budget! 1.54M. Wages 237k.

​

Thanks, Sören. I'm going to go and hire some new scouts. I'll wait until the end of June to hire new physios. Don't need them now.​

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 13 April 2023

1pm

"Welcome," I said as I shook hands with Radu Baichu and Edwin Boekamp. "This is Jörg Weber, my Assistant Coach. Olaf Marschall, Chief Scout. This is Gisela Wortsmahler, she's probably the most important of the four of us. What's your actual title now anyway?"

"Director of Logistics," she replied.

"She's the best," I continued. "She'll be the one to call if you ever have any problems traveling or whatever. We're so happy you signed up."

"How are your rooms?" Gisela asked.

"Good," they both said.

"As we mentioned on the phone," Olaf said as we stepped into the elevator. "We having a scouting room for when you are in town. We'll give you the basic tour then Gisela will give you the actual tour, get you all your technology and explain how everything works."

"Any questions right off the bat?" I asked.

"Ja," Radu said. "what VPN security do you use?"

"I can answer that," Gisela said. "We use PrivateVPN. IT will help you get it all installed. We'll give you a mobile. We've made it secure, virtually unhackable. We prefer you use our phones for any Kaiserslautern communication or business. I'll run through it all on my tour."

The doors opened.

"This way," I indicated. "This is the corporate offices." I opened the doors.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

While we visit Osnabrück, a few kilometers to the south of us Schalke hosts Karlsruhe. If we win and Schalke lose, the 2.Bundesliga title is ours.

Actually, we all saw the trophy in the tunnel sitting on a table between two stewards. It looks more like a hubcap to a Mercedes than a trophy. But whatever. The trophy is in Bremer Brücke stadium in case fate smiles upon us today.

The only change from last week is teenager Alf Alten replaces the injured Rene Klingenburg.

The stadium is packed full. Only 1,600 tickets were available for the away supporters and Die Roten Teufel are crammed into a corner surrounded by a cordon of police.

We got off to a great start. In the 9th minute, Boris Tomiak flicked a Marlon Ritter corner towards the back post.

Oliver Hüsing adjusted his positioning and directed his header into the net from a tight angle.

0-1

Die Roten Teufel in the far corner erupted in joy, flares and smoke bombs.

In the 17th minute, Jörg shoved his iPad in front of my face just as groans could be heard from the away corner. Schalke had taken the lead against Karlsruhe.

Osnabrück created their first chance in the 32nd minute. They'd held the ball for a while, passing in little, useless triangles on the right side of the pitch mostly in our end. We'd pushed them out when one of the their midfielders hit a 40m crossfield pass behind right back Jean Zimmer.

Their left winger one-timed his shot but hit it right at Avdo Spahic.

We iced the match in the 49th minute. Alf Alten drove towards the end line, spun and fed a pass back upfield for Zimmer. Zimmer hit a back post cross.

Shakur Omar leapt and headed back towards the near post as the keeper was moving in the opposite direction.

0-2

The players ran over to celebrate with the Roten Teufel.

Not much else happened. Osnabrück created two more chances. One was an easy save for Spahic and the other went high and wide.

In the 58th, a roar went up from the away corner. Jörg showed me his iPad. Karlsruhe had leveled.

The away corner groaned in the 84th minute as news spread that Karlsruhe's right back had been sent off for a second yellow card.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 15 April 2023

4:30ish pm

"That was good for a first start," Klingy said as I sat down in my aisle seat. Klingy always sat with Ritter on the bus and Ritter had to have the window seat.

"Ja, solid game," Julian said. "Solid."

I always sat with Julian and he always got the window seat.

"Ja," Marlon said leaning out from behind Klingy.

"Lets all be honest," Captain Zimmer said as he approached to take his seat further back. "Those first starts are tough. You did well."

"Thanks," I said.

They made it easy. They were constantly talking to me. "Man on," "time," or pointing to where I ought to pass as they gave it to me.

The bus shook. That meant Jörg was getting on.

"Who f***ing started his first f***ing match today?" he bellowed from the front.

"ALF! ALF! ..." everyone chanted.

I hid my head and blushed.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 17 April 2023

8:00am

"Well, this is the week," I said as I sat down with my espresso. Everyone nodded. "Well I'm glad we all agree on that. Glad we cleared that up."

"How many have you had already?" Ulf asked.

"Espressos?" I asked.

"Ja," Ulf replied.

"Enough," I said.

"I'll start because I can't handle your comedy routines this morning," Agnieszka said. "Its a race against time to get Klingenburg ready for Schalke. Even then I advise only having him on the bench. You never know with those hamstring strains. Now Madyan Sounni is a very different race against time with his strained knee ligaments. Its a matter of building up the strength. He could also make the bench for Sunday."

"Niehues is tired and sore," she continued. "Same for Zimmer. They're both resting today. They'll do the slow jog then hit the cryo tubs. Everyone else is well within their limits."

ATK was a firm believer in doing a slow jog that was just faster than walking to get some blood flowing followed by a soak in an ice bath. Julian's Monday routine is frequently this. As he has only missed a match this season because of suspension, I'm not going to disagree with ATK. Then again, I'm not brave enough to try.

"Florian?" I said.

"Right," Florian

said. He was our scout who analyzes our upcoming opponents. "I could tell you that they are on a 17 match streak without losing. I could tell you that they are scoring a lot lately. They only have two injuries currently but its their top two keepers. We're going to face their 20 year old third stringer. With that said, he looks like your classic German keeper. He wasn't really tested against Karlsruhe, but he looked competent. They play three at the back, wing backs, two midfielders sit in front of the defense, two strikers with an atttacking midfielder in the hole."

"But all that doesn't matter," he continued. "Its more like a derby. They main thing is to exploit the flanks. We already know that. Sunday is all about mentality. And we already know that."

"Thanks, Florian," I said. "Alright, let's plan out the training for the week."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 22 April 2023

1pm

"Hey guys," I said. "Good to see you."

"This is it, Enrico," Dennis Friedel of Sportbuzzer said. "One point against Schalke and the title is yours. What are your thoughts?"

"Its huge," I said. "Its a sell-out, we're playing the second place team. Up by 10 points with only 12 points left to play for? Its also ideal circumstances. With that said, its just one more step in restoring this club back to where it belongs."

"Schalke are on hot streak," Florian Carre of OneFootball said. "17 matches unbeaten. Scoring freely. How do you see the result going?"

"Ja, Schalke are hot right now. So are we. We're sitting at 25 unbeaten. That's also tied for the longest streak in 2.Liga history. Avdo Spahic has 16 shutouts and will set a Kaiserslautern record for shutouts in a season, hopefully tomorrow. Marlon Ritter has 13 assists. He's tied for the most ever in a 2.Liga season. We are at 71 points, the record points in a season is 76. Muhammed Kiprit has 22 goals. Shakur Omar has 8 goals in the last 8 matches. That scene in the Avengers movies where Hulk and Thor are debating who burns hotter comes to mind. Its going to be an epic clash tomorrow."

"Okay, a Marvel movie reference is a new one," Florian commented. "Are you Hulk even though Kaiserslautern are red? Nevermind. So you only need a draw tomorrow. Will you attack? Will you be cautious?"

"Schalke play a possession style. We're perfectly happy to let our opponents have the ball and hit them on the counter. We'll make them work hard for every pass once they approach the center line. We're both an immovable object and an unstoppable force. Schalke need points to secure automatic promotion. We need a point. This plays right into our hands."

"So you're confident," Niklas Boll of Kicker asked.

"Ja, Niklas. As long as we stick to our game plan."

"Schalke manager Dominik Tedesco thinks Boris Tomiak is your most dangerous player," Jakob Böttcher of Kaiserslautern Express said. "Comment, please?"

"He does, huh? I truly have no idea what to say."

"Really?" Jakob followed up.

"It just seems odd. Who asked that ... um ... nevermind. Muhammed and Shakur score the goals, Ritter sets them up. But sure, Tomiak is dangerous. I mean ... uh ... he's having a great season. No doubt about that. Next question?"

"Do you think Dominik and Schalke have a handle on how you're going to play and it might be a struggle to beat Schalke tomorrow?" Dennis asked.

"I'm sure they have a good idea about how we play. I think you should have asked Dominik how he thinks he can stop us? We only have been shut out once this season. Ironically, it was Werder Bremen of all teams. If they try to stop our wing play, Marlon Ritter will carve them apart. How do they plan on stopping both Kiprit AND Omar? Its going to be an epic match tomorrow."

"Because of the strength of his squad, do you think Tedesco has an advantage over you?" Niklas asked.

"Welcome to the press conference, Niklas. Do you need a coffee to wake up? An espresso maybe? The cafeteria is just down and hall and they'll make you whatever you need to wake up. Next question?"

"Would you talk about just needing a draw some more?" Florian asked.

"Sure, Florian. We need a draw. Schalke need 12 points from 4 matches. The math says what is says."

"Please comment on your unbeaten streak," Jakob said.

"Hmm ...," I said taking a big inhale and then exhaling to make sure I didn't regurgitate something I'd already said. "The players work really hard in training. We defend as a unit and this run is testimony to how hard they've worked. We train at creating overloads and these guys
have the talent and intelligence on the field to exploit the overloads and score. We work hard at set pieces. We score far more than we concede from dead ball situations."

"Are you concerned that a defeat in this match could see morale plummet?" Niklas asked.

"No."

"What about Klingenburg," Jakob interjected. I think he saw that I was going to unload on poor, sleepy Niklas again. "Will he be fit?"

"Don't know. We'll see. It'll be a game time decision. Those hamstring strains are tricky. Best case scenario is he'll be on the bench."

"Will teenager Alfred Alten start again?" Jakob followed up.

"Ja."

"What about Madyan Sounni?" Florian asked.

"Same, but different. Best case is he'll make the bench. Billy Arce is the first choice winger. His knee is nearly all better."

"That's all the questions for today," Thomas Hengen said. "See you all tomorrow."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The trophy was not in the tunnel like last time, it was right next to the pitch. Just in case someone didn't know what was at stake today. The stadium was a sell-out and the Westkurv was rocking. 10k Schalke supporters were behind the other goal.

Rene Klingenburg was adamant that he was ready. ATK had him all taped up and he looked as ready as he'll ever be. Rene was the only change to the line-up.

We got off to a decent start. In the 7th and 10th minutes we broke down the right flank. First Billy Arce and later Jean Zimmer crossed towards the back post. Unfortunately, Shakur Omar's two headers were harmless.

But then Schalke adapted, the center backs played wider, and we couldn't break down the flanks so easily. So the first half turned into a boring midfield battle. While I'd like to score, we don't need to win.

The second half started with Marlon Ritter hitting a 40m cross field pass to Billy. Billy controlled it and raced for the end line. He got his cross off but, once again, Omar headed right at their keeper.

In the 53rd minute, Billy won a corner. Ritter curled it in and Oliver Hüsing went tumbling to the turf.

The ref consulted the VAR official briefly then awarded the penalty.

Muhammed Kiprit grabbed the ball and placed it on the spot. Ten thousand Schalke fans booed, whistled, and waved flags behind the net.

1-0

He buried it. That young man has ice in his veins.

We completely fell apart defensively in the 57th minute. Lorenzo Filippini cross into their box. They cleared it. One of their forwards corralled the ball and started upfield. He saw his strike partner behind Tomiak and Hüsing yet still in the Schalke half.

He belted it into the space.

Marius Bülter raced goalwards trailed by four defenders.

Avdo Spahic charged out as he approached the box.

At about penalty spot, Bülter tried to dodge right slightly and roll a quick poke past Spahic.

Spahic managed to claw it away for a corner.

The Schalke fans groaned and the rest of the stadium roared their approval of our keeper's great save.

They chanted his name for several minutes as Schalke pressed for an equalizer.

In the 63rd minute, Shakur Omar sat down on the turf for no apparent reason. Schalke played the ball out. ATK ran on and immediately signaled for a change. I decided to go with experience and sent on Jacopo Murano.

In the 68th, their right fullback broke into the box and beat Filippini to the end line. Spahic threw himself in front of the charging forward and somehow managed to deflect the cross. It fell to a Schalke player but his shot hit Tomiak and Filippini cleared.

The entire stadium cheered then resumed chanting Spahic's name.

But there was nothing Spahic could do to prevent the goal when it came.

Pálsson without really any backlift unleashed tomahawk from 35m that nearly ripped through the netting to level the game.

Ritter could have closed down a little quicker but, wow, what a strike.

Zimmer was looking tired and he was on a yellow, so I replaced him with Robin Becker not long after the restart.

In the 80th minute, Billy hit an early cross. It looked like Muhammed Kiprit would get to it first and get a shot away, but at the last instant the Schalke defender lunged and cleared the ball to safety.

In the 85th, I pulled an exhausted Klingenburg and replaced him with Alf Alten.

In the 88th, Schalke worked the ball across the front of our defense. Unfortunately, Murano wasn't marking the right back all the closely and in three quick passes he was free.

He played a pass in behind our defense and Rutter got the go-ahead goal.

1-2

"F***!" I screamed. I should have put on Saydou Bangura instead of Jacopo. S***!

Wait!

The ref had his hand to his ear.

The VAR official was reviewing it! Jörg shoved his iPad in front of my face.

The ref raised his arm and signaled for offsides! We were saved!

1-1

The Schalke players were deflated. They surrounded the ref in protest. The Schalke supporters whistled and booed. The rest of the stadium roared the joy of salvation!

My players pulled themselves together and began to waste time in earnest. Schalke couldn't get the ball and when they did pumped it forward to no avail.

The fourth official raised the board and signaled five minutes of extra time.

It didn't matter. Schalke didn't create another chance.

We. Were. Champions!

We all jogged over and saluted the Westkurv.

Then we jogged back to midfield and Jean Zimmer raised the 2.Liga plate over his head to deafening roars. He passed it to Boris Tomiak.

When it was my turn to hoist the trophy, everyone suddenly had fake champagne bottles and was spraying everyone else. I couldn't see a thing.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 23 April 2023

10:39pm

"Wow," Gwen said as she drove us home from the party.

"Yeah, wow," I agreed.

My soaking wet suit was in a bag in the boot, I was wearing Kaiserslautern training gear, and, despite no alcohol at the party, I was still as high as kite on dopamine, adrenaline and endorphins.

"You've gone and done it, my Italian-American miracle worker of a man. Well, two of the three parts."

"Yeah. The work on part three starts tomorrow. Honestly, its already underway."

"You never stop, do you? Stop to smell the flowers."

"I look at beautiful flowers every day," I said and swiveled to look at her. Leaned in and sniffed. Then I looked into the back where Matthew and Allison slept.

"You're so sweet, you smart *rse. And flattery will get you everywhere."

We drove in silence for a moment.

"You know ...," she said. "You're going to need new suits."

"I am?"

"Yes. You can't be a Bundesliga manager, on television every weekend in old suits."

"I can't?"

"Now ... um ... where did you get those suits?" she asked. "Your old suits."

"My tailor in Bologna," I replied.

"I love the tailoring. Bespoke is best. You'll have to go back and get measured for new ones."

"Only if you'll join me."

"Ooh, I do love the food in Bologna."

"Alright, deal."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Good morning all you beautiful people out there. I'm your joyous host Werner. Joining me on this splendid and historic occasion is Jakob. how are you Jakob?

Jakob: Great, ecstatic, brimming over with happiness.

Werner: As one would expect.

Jakob: Ja, its a great feeling.

Werner: Unusual. We're more used to punishment.

Jakob: But lets not talk about those bad old days.

W: Valid point. We won't. Lets start by talking about yesterday then talk about the season as a whole.

J: Okay. It was close yesterday. Schalke played really well and, lets just be honest, we were lucky.

W: As manager Pucci said in his pre-game interview, we didn't get here by luck, so I think a little luck yesterday was great. Ja, great.

J: We got the crucial first goal. Hüsing was fouled in the box on a corner. I know that Schalke supporters were up in arms on social media, but VAR reviewed it and deemed it a foul.

W: I've watched that several times. Clearly its a foul. I don't know what they have to complain about. Kiprit was as calm and clinical as ever.

J: Ja, wasn't he. What about that golazo from Pálsson?

W: Wow.

J: Wow is right. You can't defend a shot like that. But, honestly, Schalke deserved a goal. They'd been in our end for a while.

W: We got lucky on several occasions, as we've discussed.

J: We got our draw, though. That's all that counts. Doesn't have to be pretty. Lets start from the back. Avdo Spahic had a great game.

W: Ja, for sure.

J: A number of crucial saves which he's done all season.

W: And VAR saved us, too.

J: I haven't seen the relays, but I couldn't see whether he was on or off.

W: I have. He was just on the wrong side of Tomiak.

J: Tomiak was good yesterday. Zimmer and Filippini weren't. Schalke tried to play between the fullback and central defender and were quite successful.

W: Moving forward up the pitch, Ritter and Klingenburg were not major factors.

J: True, Schalke did a good job on them and they did not rise to the occasion. But Billy Arce had a great game.

W: Ja, they couldn't contain him down that right wing. Always looked dangerous, had some good crosses.

J: Shakur Omar was frequently the target for Billy and Jean Zimmer's crosses but just didn't connect on any of them. Just not his match, I guess.

W: Aside from converting the penalty, Kiprit didn't do much else.

J: Ja, Schalke were pretty good defensively although if Billy could have delivered some near post crosses, you never know.

W: Kiprit never got free. Except for once and the defender did the extending leg trick to prevent Muhammed from shooting. Okay, lets talk about the season as a whole.

J: Alright. Schalke have a better defense. They've let in 18, we've let in 20. But we've scored a load more than they have. Nürnberg, who are back up to third, have scored 61 to our 60, but they've let in 39. We're champions because of our goal differential. We've put it all together this season. We have the most crosses completed. 360 to Schalke's 296. Clearly, our attack down the flanks is crucial.

W: Huh. I know its been good. That's shockingly good.

J: Set plays are also crucial. Offensively, we have 7 goals from corners; joint first. 2 direct free kick goals; joint first again. And first in goals from indirect kicks with 6. So 15 goals from set pieces. Defensively, we've conceding once from a corner and zero times from any free kicks. That's astonishing.

W: Pucci talks about working hard on set pieces, there's the proof its worth the effort.

J: Now here's something I didn't know until I looked it up. Marlon Ritter has covered the most distance of anyone in 2.Liga.

W: Ja, wow. I guess it seems like he's everywhere, but he actually is.

J: And Klingenburg and Niehues are 13th and 14th respectively in that category.

W: Those statistics explain a lot.

J: Lets get to the unsurprising statistics. Kiprit leads the league in goals with 23. His conversion rate is 34% which is also tops. Muhammed's xG says he should have scored 13.23 this season so he is outperforming his expectations.

W: He did that last year, too.

J: I sure hope he continues this trend next year. Here's all the categories that Marlon Ritter leads: we already mentioned distance covered, 13 assists, assists per 90 at 0.44, he leads key passes by several light years at 133, clear cut chances created at 23, and ja that's it.

W: I know one. Avdo Spahic leads keeper in shutouts with 16. Shall we move on to questions?

J: Ja, lets. You go first.

W: Okay, your Mom wrote in again. Zednevski111 on Twitter asks which Kaiserslautern players will make 2.Liga team of the year?

J: Ooh! Good one Zedn ... I mean ... Mom. Hmm ... Kiprit, Spahic, Ritter, Tomiak, and maybe even Julian Niehues.

W: Not Shakur Omar?

J: Well, hmm ... he might. He's a second half loan signing. I mean, he's been fantastic. I don't know about him. This leads to a question I got. Let me find it. Its on the Facebook page. Um ... here it is. Oskem Zavem asks if we'll extend Omar's loan.

W: I sure hope so. He and Kiprit play so well together. He could easily score twenty at the rate he's scoring.

J: We'll see right? Depends upon his parent club Atalanta. If he's available for loan next season, I don't see why we wouldn't ask.

W: Okay, I've got one. markusvel39 on Twitter asks if we'll have a transfer budget next season.

J: YES! My source says its 1.5 million. Its not much, but thats the first time we've had a transfer budget in a number of seasons.

W: And that's all we've got. Like and subscribe.

J: And go away now.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The stadium was pretty full. Hannover gave us an honour guard as we marched out onto the pitch to a standing ovation.

I sat on the bench for the entire match. I had the urge to get up on several occasions and yell at my players, but I overcame the urge.

We scored just before halftime on a broken play that ended with a scrum in the goalmouth. Muhammed Kiprit poked it home from 0.5m.

Hannover pressed for an equalizer in the second half. They need points so they can get into promotion playoff spot.

They put the ball in the net in a waning minutes, but the ref consulted with the VAR official and we got off the hook for the second game in a row.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 29 April 2023

10:15pm

"Ahh," I sighed as I sniffed my glass of wine that the waiter had just poured.

"Yes, so nice," Gwen agreed. "So nice."

"Ahh," I said again after my first sip. "Somehow wine is just better in Italy."

"I cannot disagree with that my Italian-American hunk of burning love," she said.

"There is never a wrong reason to slip away for a quick trip to Italy," I said.

"True, but this is absolutely necessary," Gwen said. "Some of the people I know, I work with, follow football. They know who you are. I cannot bear any of them saying gee Gwen did I see your husband on television in an old suit? Cannot abide even thinking about it. Egads."

"I think its funny how we exist in utterly different worlds," I said. "No, seriously. Don't give me that look. Fashion and sport are different planes of existence even."

"How is the wine, Enrico and Gwen?" the waiter Anton asked in Italian.

"Superb!" Gwen answered in Italian.

I swirled mine around in my glass for a second.

"You're right," she said. "We both use the proverbial interdimensional gate into the other dimension occasionally. A week at the Milan fashion show would probably do in your average professional footballer as much as a week's preseason training would ... hmm ... maybe that's a bad analogy considering how strenuously most models work out. Maybe there aren't good comparisons."

"I'd lose my mind on a photo shoot," I said. "Or I'd wander off."

"Oh, there's no chance of that," she said. "There are so many support staff. Do your eyes, hair, nail, wipe your ***. Even on your down time you're never really alone."

"Your primi, my friends," Anton said as he walked up carrying two plates.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 30 April 2023

noonish

We strolled around Bologna all morning. Me in my black jeans, black Adidas windbreaker, and black Adidas ballcap. Gwen in a formless dress and gigantic floppy hat. We got espressos and pastries. Crossed the Piazza Maggiore. Saw all the other couples out for a Sunday morning stroll. Bologna is still so beautiful and usually so empty of tourists. I mean, there were some but not like Florence or Milan.

We eventually made it to the back alley where my tailor's shop was. We were fashionably late, so I opened the door for Gwen to see.

She blinked, furrowed her brow and took another look.

"In you go," I said.

"May I ...," he said turning from his machine and slowly standing up. I took off my ballcap. "Oh, Enrico! Yes, so good to see you come in. I recognize you now, Gwen. You're in all of my wife's magazines. So good to finally meet you."

"Likewise," Gwen said in Italian, still taking in the chaos and clutter of the shop. "I love your suits on Enrico and its a pleasure to finally meet you as well."

"Ha, my heart melts when you speak Italian," he said.

"Well, GIanluca, you look well," I said. "How is business?"

"Good, very good, in fact. I've leased the storefront around the corner that was the bodega. Cleared it out so my two, yes, two assistants can have room to prepare the cloth. And you, my friend, have not gotten fat which is good. I'll bet your measurements are still the same. Let me guess, your supermodel wants you in new suits for the Bundesliga, no?" He winked. "I know these things. I have been following your career, my friend."

"I do not want to take anything away from his old suits, but you know fashion," Gwen said. "He must have new ones now that he'll be on TV all the time."

"What about shirts?" Gianluca asked.

I wandered off to look at ties and handkerchiefs.

"Oh, yes," she said. "Four white, three light blue, two gray, and two black."

"And the suits?" he asked.

"Two black, two charcoal, two dark blue, two a dark brown ... and ... um ... well, I've been thinking about this a lot and maybe because my Grandfather wore tweed, but maybe a really tight, dark tweed weave."

I picked out several what looked like Kaiserslautern red ties and were comparing them.

"I think I have just the weave for you, I will get it."

"Oh, Enrico, my Italian-American fashion plate of a man," Gwen said in English. Then in Italian: "Put that down. Gianluca and I will be selecting your ties and handkerchiefs. Leave this to the professionals."

"Yes, dear," I said. I dropped the ties, turned, and walked into the corner, facing the corner.

They both burst out laughing.

"Come over here you silly man," Gialuca said. "Let me reverify your measurements."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 1 May 2023

8:00am

"Okay, hold on everyone," I said. I set my espresso down. "Are you all ready?" Everyone nodded. "Siri, call Dominico Tedesco." I put it on speaker and cranked up the volume.

The phone rang.

"Hallo, Enrico," the Schalke manager answered.

"This isn't a bad time is it?" I asked.

"No, it isn't."

"Good. I'm here with my staff and we're calling to congratulate you on your promotion back to the Bundesliga."

"Thank you all very much," he replied.

"Are you ready everyone?" I asked.

We sang him the Schalke anthem. Badly. But, hey, we're footballers not singers.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 2 May 2023

12:44pm

"Good afternoon," Chief Physio Agnieszka Tobiasz-Kolodziej said from the doorway to my office. "You have some good new for me?"

"Ja, the board will allow me to hire two new physios for the first team," I said. "One more for the youth squad and Werner's contract is up in June."

"Do you have anyone in mind?" she asked.

"No. I figure we find some candidates and interview the ones we like."

"I have a few in mind."

"Oh?" I said. "Great. Do you have time now?"

"Sure. I'll call them later and see if they're interested. But let's look through some CVs."

We reviewed CVs for an hour.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Voith Arena is full and Heidenheim gave us the honor guard as we exited the tunnel. Julian Krahl starts as Avdo Spahic has the new 2.Liga record of 17 shutouts in a single season. Jean Zimmer tweaked his hamstring so Robin Becker deputizes.

Heidenheim started out better than us. They created more chances and we gifted them opportunities by giving the ball away.

When we did create chances, they fizzled.

Becker and Billy Arce forgot their defensive duties in the 26th and home side's left winger dribbling down our right unimpeded. Oliver Hüsing was late covering their striker's run and he scored a relatively easy volleyed goal.

1-0

How would we respond? By taking the ball straight down the pitch and forcing their keeper to make a save. Ritter played in Billy. Billy blasted his shot right at the keeper.

This is clearly spring Fußball in which defending has gone out the window.

It was a miracle Heidenheim didn't score again. Especially since Amilcar Silva gave away a penalty in the 43rd minute. Their right winger was dribbling away from him towards the corner. As he crossed into the box, Silva decided NOW was the PERFECT time to tackle the ball ... and miss.

I covered my face with my hands and put my elbows on my knees.

I could tell Julian Krahl saved the penalty from the groans of the home supporters and the cheers from the away corner. Only then did I look up.

"Did you notice?" I asked Jörg as we trudged up the tunnel. "I didn't get up off the bench once."

"Ja, but grinding your f***ing teeth for f***ing forty five minutes can't be good for your f***ing teeth," he replied.

I let Jörg give the halftime team talk. You can imagine what he said.

The crappy, nothing-to-play-for spring Fußball continued in the second half. We evened it up only to give a second goal away moments later. Shakur Omar scored a headed goal from a Rene Klingenburg cross.

Moments later, substitute Molla Wagué jumped with their striker for a punt from the Heidenheim keeper. Molla won it easily and directed his header back to Krahl. Krahl fumbled the bouncing ball, it hit the post and their striker nipped in for his second of the game.

I resumed my pose with elbows on knees, head in my hands.

We were saved in the 3rd minute of extra time by yet another goal from Omar. This time assisted by Billy.

F***ing spring Fußball.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 8 May 2023

2:03pm

"Ciao," Gian PIero Gasperini said.

"Ciao, its Enrico Pucci calling," I said in Italian.

"Yes, Enrico. How is my Swedish prodigy coming along. I see he scored twice on Saturday."

"He's doing great. He's a hard-working kid and we love having him here on loan."

"Good to hear," Gasperini said. "So why are you calling?"

"We can't afford to buy so don't worry about that," I replied. "I'm calling because we'd like to extend his loan and have him here next season."

"Hmm ... yes ... well I would prefer to have him continue to get playing time. Clearly, he's doing well under you. Yes, fine. You can have him for another season."

"Thank you very much."

"For 80% of his 6,000 per week contract. Um ... one moment ..." I heard clicking in the background. "4,900 per week. How does that sound?"

"That sounds great," I replied. "I'll submit the paperwork today."

"Ciao."

"Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 12 May 2023

There are few things left to play for on this final round of the 2022-2023 season.

First of all, 1.FC Nürnberg need points against us. I fear they'll get something out of this match as our training this week hasn't been great. I mean, its understandable; we've already won the league so I get that the players will have trouble getting motivated.

Armenia Bielefeld must win and get help from us.

At the other end of the table, Werder Bremen must win and get help from Düsseldorf. And that's just to get into the relegation playout against the third place finisher in 3.Liga. If Werder wins and Holstein Kiel draw, Werder make the playout on superior goal difference.